My Ex Husband wants to come to my wedding - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

AngelRoseFyre · #1 07-05-2006, 01:32 AM

I have been divorced for four years, but I have a son from my first husband. For some reason, my ex thinks this gives him access to every part of my life because he has a "vested intrest in it", meaning our son. He has also lost a good majority of his friends due to some of his behaviors, and now thinks we need to be best friends or something, however he continuosly insults me infornt of people, claiming he is only joking. I tend to just avoid conversations with him that are not relevant to our son. However if I don't talk to him he gets mad at me for not being a good enough friend to him or gets very depressed and threatens that if nowbody cares about him, he should just end it all. I am one of those people that really don't like upsetting people, so I ususlly end up listening to him, which only makes the situation worse. I am trying to give him the clue I don't want to be friends with him without being down right rude, but he isn't getting the clue. Now he is expecting an invitation to our wedding, and I'm almost sure if he doesn't get one, he will just show up. I really DON'T want him there. Most of my friends don't like him, and my family can not stand him. I am terrified that if he shows up he will start to crack insulting jokes about me in front of my family and friends, or do somthing else equally embarresing. If he insults me to the wrong people, I'm afraid it would end up in a fight. I don't want him to ruin my day, but I am afraid if I let him know he isn't invited he will go off on me again, or just refuse to have anything to do with his son (to get back at me). I know this is making me sound like a weak person, but I'm really not, but I do need some advice here. if anyone can help I am all ears!!!! Thank you!

ljeagle · #2 07-05-2006, 02:08 AM

I would avoid the subject of your wedding with him. Don't invite him to the wedding and hire some one to be at the door to make sure he don't get to in. What does your FH have to say about this? I know Kenny would flip if I wanted to invite a x and I would of flipped out if he wanted to invite his x-wife.

syringa · #3 07-05-2006, 02:36 AM

I wouldn't tell him where the wedding will be held or at what time. Just in case he does find out and show up, ask your brothers/cousins/father or someone else to let him know that it is a private event and he is not welcome. Hopefully, it won't be the groom who has to escort him from the premises.

Kim&Bob2004 · #4 07-05-2006, 02:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by syringa

I wouldn't tell him where the wedding will be held or at what time. Just in case he does find out and show up, ask your brothers/cousins/father or someone else to let him know that it is a private event and he is not welcome. Hopefully, it won't be the groom who has to escort him from the premises.

whiddle · #5 07-05-2006, 03:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by syringa

I wouldn't tell him where the wedding will be held or at what time. Just in case he does find out and show up, ask your brothers/cousins/father or someone else to let him know that it is a private event and he is not welcome. Hopefully, it won't be the groom who has to escort him from the premises.

Ditto. Or send him an invitation to your wedding dated for the following week.

breezy · #6 07-05-2006, 03:05 AM

I know small town (UGGGG)

I'm all for trying to not disclose where the wedding will be. I would then have someone at the doors as others posted to express that it is a "private event".

I would freak if DF wanted to invite his ex (but she is phyco---and I'm not exaggerating!!!)

We haven't disclosed to the kids WHERE our wedding is exactly. They know the beach, but not WHICH beach. We didn't give them our wedding date until after the 1st court date and the judge ordered that we would get them for that weekend. We had to make sure it was ordered or their Mom would have tried to exclude them from the event.

I hate not being able to talk freely about everything when the kids are here (50/50) but it saves them emotional trauma and has been a lesson learned by us over the last 5 years.

Complicated Woman · #7 07-05-2006, 04:21 AM

I agree with what syringa said completely.

Also, I don't at all think you're a weak person. It does sound like you need to stop letting him manipulate you. If he's as off as you make him sound, his presence in your sons life may be more harmful than helpful anyway. Do what you need to and don't feel guilty.

We're here for you!

Clarity · #8 07-05-2006, 05:08 AM

I agree with everyone here. I wouldn't let him know where it is or when and have someone as "look out". Also if he does bring it up as hard as it is point blank tell him it would be better if he wasn't there. It's hard and the aftermath can be distressing but I've learned with my ex that subtlity only prolongs my torture. And as far as your son is concerned, you may want to talk to him about the situation in terms he can understand so that he knows if daddy's behavior changes it is not because of him just that grown ups sometimes can act like children.

AngelRoseFyre · #9 07-05-2006, 05:43 AM

Thanks for the help. As far as my DF is concerned he tolorates him, for my son's sake. He doesn't like him, and thinks he is a poor dad, and is pretty much sick of his attitude twards me. We have a few "big" friends we can probobly post at the doors to not let him in, that is actually a good very idea. The "private event" thing won't work unless we mark it "Private even, Mike D**** is not allowed in", other wise he will think that means he is still welcome (vested intrest thing again).

I don't really talk about the wedding with him at all, like I said, the only thing I am really trying to talk to him aboout is Azriel (our son). It is hard to talk to Ace about it, because I don't want to talk badly about his father in front of him or to him, I want to at least give him the option to formulate is oun opinion of him in the future (thank god he can't read yet).

I havn't told him any dates or times yet, he knows it is next spring, but I think thats all he really knows, and I hope he won't find anymore out, but it's a small town and he knows alot of people we know, so one of them may accidentilly let it slip.

Thanks again for the help, and please keep it coming

555Ann555 · #10 07-05-2006, 02:10 PM

I think it's outrageous that your x thinks he can come to your wedding!

I think the others have some great advice about guarding the door just in case, but to be honest I'd have to have it out with him.

I can understand your not wanting him to walk away from your son. But it really sounds like that is just one more aspect of his emotional blackmail. You have to allow him to do whatever he wants, because otherwise he'll do the one thing you don't want & hurt the person you love most.

Then again it's easy for me to say that I wouldn't stand for it, I haven't got any kids!

I have been on the receiving end though, and as the child of an emotional vampire of a father I'd vote for having it out with him & letting him walk away.

There is no way that you should ever have to feel frightened of him showing up on your wedding day & humiliating you in front of the people that love you. He has an "vested interest" in your son's upbringing, not in your happiness or your new marriage.

Sorry for ranting, I'm just furious for you!

Lizbet · #11 07-05-2006, 03:23 PM

I would definitely go with the bouncer. And, I would try to talk to those people who may have contact with the ex, and let them know your feelings regarding keeping the date and place info from him. I'm sure that most (if not all) of them will understand.

feb-bride · #12 07-05-2006, 05:13 PM

He does not belong at your wedding. My oldest son's dad and I are friendly with each other, and even with that being the case, we didn't invite each other to our respective weddings.

michaelsbride · #13 07-05-2006, 05:40 PM

This sounds like drama waiting to happen. I think the suggestion of actually hiring someone would be the best... ask the police even to have someone there because then you have someone with authority. having other guests do it (brothers/uncles/whoever) dont have legal authority to remove a person from the building. i can just see your ex showing up and a fight breaking out and suddenly several people are going to jail... at least with a police officer, you have legal resources. can you maybe get a court order banning him from the ceremony/reception?

Marge129 · #14 07-05-2006, 06:41 PM

I'm so glad we went to the court house! I don't know what I would've done if Mic wanted to be at our wedding!

Ditto to what everyone else said... he has no business being there.

mommy03bride · #15 07-05-2006, 06:49 PM

well i was in the same boat with u a while back. i know u dont want to sound rude but sometimes thats the only way they understand. u dont want to chance it that he does show up and if people dont let him in then he makes a seen. this is your day and your future husbands day so i would just tell him stright out that he is not invited. if your scared that he wont be there for your son then screw him your son dont need a person like that in his life, especially when he has his soon to be step-dad.

DragonYoga · #16 07-05-2006, 06:50 PM

Ditto to everyone else's posts. He doesn't "need" to be there for any reason. Despite the "vested interest" in your son, he still doesn't need to be there.

Having a police officer there would be a HUGE help...! Or maybe ask for 2 to guard each side of the door?

555Ann555 · #17 07-05-2006, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marge129

I'm so glad we went to the court house! I don't know what I would've done if Mic wanted to be at our wedding!

Yeah! She'd have wanted to be there so she could hold Natalie during it!

Kim&Bob2004 · #18 07-05-2006, 11:20 PM

I also think he is on some sort of power trip............ in some places a cold 12 pack would take care of it..... I'm not saying.... I'm just saying....

DragonYoga · #19 07-06-2006, 03:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

I also think he is on some sort of power trip............ in some places a cold 12 pack would take care of it..... I'm not saying.... I'm just saying....

AngelRoseFyre · #20 07-06-2006, 04:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

I also think he is on some sort of power trip............ in some places a cold 12 pack would take care of it..... I'm not saying.... I'm just saying....

Ironiclly that might work, but I really don't want to waste my money on him.

Thanks for the rant Ann, it makes actually makes me feel better, sometimes I just really need to rant about him myself. Fortunatly I have a GREAT FH who lets me rant to him, and doesn't ever get upset with me.

555Ann555 · #21 07-06-2006, 03:21 PM

Have you come to any conclusion about it? Any more thoughts on what to do?

AngelRoseFyre · #22 07-06-2006, 03:41 PM

I'm still working on it. We think we may just not mention the wedding at all around him, and if he asks we are just going to tell him that we don't think it is appropriate he comes. I talked to my mom about it and she said if that doesn't work, just tell him she said he's not invited, he's afaid of her. I think we have a few big guys as friends who will gaurd the doors, I don't think he will try to physically fight them since he's not any to big himself.

He has been trying to get me to comfort him latley because of his new relationship problems, when I "blew him off" and only talked about our son he mentioned yesterday he wants to move to Virginia to try to get his (newest) ex-fiance to take him back, so hopefully he goes, and then I won't have to worry about it or deal with him. YAY!!! Man I am soooo SICK OF HIS DRAMA (sorry had to vent a little there)

DragonYoga · #23 07-06-2006, 04:02 PM

I don't blame you, sweetheart! O.o Vent and rant away! If I can ask, how long were you with him, and what did you see in a guy that likes his drama? *sowwie if that came across wrong*

AngelRoseFyre · #24 07-06-2006, 05:56 PM

No it didn't come across wrong at all. This may take a little while, it's one of those long stories.

I met him when i was barley 18, right after my high school sweatheart broke up with me. I was in a severe rebellious stage against my parents and the world pretty much. I fell into the wrong crown, and wrong habbits, and he was the "Bad boy" who offered me the world and I was young and neive enough to beleive him. It was pretty ,much a roller coster ride of a marriage from beginning to end. When I found out I was pregnant, I completely cleaned up my act and pretty much did a 180 (people say there can barley tell that the old e and the new me are the same person) Once my son was born I stuck around a while longer to try to make it work between his dad and me for Azriel's his sake, but eventually I saw we would both (my son and I) be better off if I left him. We were together for 4 years.

DragonYoga · #25 07-06-2006, 09:19 PM

damn, girl. Helluva story. and now Ace's what, 6? I'm too lazy to look thru the posts for his age, I remember you mentioned it once lol. I'm glad to hear you did a 180 for Ace's sake. You're quite the mom!