How to univite children - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

tina_mae · #1 07-01-2006, 12:20 AM

My fiance and I are getting married next July (of 07) and would like the wedding just to be adults and children over the age of sixteen. We are doing this because we want a nice evening (it is a night wedding) just for ourselves, and don't want people to leave because of crabby children, or having tantrums during the ceremony. Our son and neice are ring-bearer and flower girl (then age 5 and 6), but they will be leaving right after ceremony pictures. MANY of my family members have small children, and I, being a preschool teacher and mother of a four-year-old LOVE children. I just want this night to be a celebration, not a nightmare for those parents with small children (or us, for that matter). How do I state this on the invitations without offending anyone. Any ideas????

michaelsbride · #2 07-01-2006, 12:24 AM

first of all when i read the title, my mind read it as "how to uninvite a chicken".....

second, we've got this discussion somewhere but my suggestion is to put "due to the evening hour, we kindly request that children under the age of 16 not attend"

AlwaysABride · #3 07-01-2006, 12:45 AM

I am child-free myself, but being a military wife, I see how hard it is for some families with children to find good childcare in order to spend some *adult time* enjoying themselves.

What we are going to do is host a "kid's reception" -- the children will be in a room to themselves adjoined to (but not IN) the reception area -- there they will have three child care providers watching them, a TV, DVDs, toys, and will be served their own menu -- they will even get their own special little cake.

If parents bring their children, the children MUST go to this "reception"; they will not be allowed in the adult reception. Parents are free to go into the children's area as often as they like to check on their kids, but they cannot bring the child back into the adult reception with them. If the child doesn't want to stay in the kid's reception, then the parent has the option to take the child home.

I am serving alcohol at this affair, and while I do want the parents to come and enjoy themselves, I will not have small children (or any children) at a party where alcohol is being served and that is more orinted towards adults.

I think this is the best of both worlds; parents can come and enjoy themselves without worrying about childcare; kids can come and have fun with friends their own age instad of being stuck all night at a boring adult party with nothing really to do (but get into mischief); and I don't have to worry about children accidentally drinking someone's Jack and coke or whatever.

If you have it in the budget, it would be well worth it to get child care providers, because even when you specify adults only, inevitably children will show up

gymrat · #4 07-01-2006, 01:03 AM

I know we have discussed this several times. Basically, whoever is listed on the inside envelope unless you are only doing an outside one then that is who is invited. If someone replies including their child(ren) you, FH, or someone (say it is your mother's friend then she could) contact them letting them know that kids under 16 are not invited.

Lizbet · #5 07-01-2006, 01:16 AM

I did something similar to Serenity. The children had a separate area with games, special foods, and goody bags. Although, we did allow the kids in with the adults, most of them chose to spend their time either on the dance floor or in the "game room".

I thought it was a great way to both have the kids there, and keep them from "bothering" the adults.

Heather · #6 07-01-2006, 01:54 AM

You can also add "Adult Reception" to the bottom corner of your invitation and be sure you list only the adult names on the inside envelope.

AshyBekka · #7 07-01-2006, 02:39 AM

I think having a separate children's room is a great idea, and I think that may be what we're doing. Keep in mind that even if the children are not invited, people still may have to go home early for the sitter or to tuck them in or whatnot-having a separate children's room could mean that your guests could still stay a bit later knowing that their kids are right where they can check on them from time to time....Also, I know a friend of mine requested the same thing last year...and several children were still at her wedding. Everything was fine, but don't be surprised if some still show up....Enjoy the planning!

tina_mae · #8 07-01-2006, 03:59 AM

I appriciate all of the suggestions, but there's a slight problem. The wedding is an outside affair. The reception will be held at a building out of town (also mostly outside). It would be difficult to arrange for child care near the reception. Would a pool party be a good idea? In the same hotel with guest accomodations, perhaps? The only thing I worry about there is safety (with the pool and many small children). And the reliability of the child care providers. The family that is watching my son and neice are friends who are not able to attend the reception, but I don't think they would be willing to care for several other children at the same time. What to do, What to do???

Heather · #9 07-01-2006, 04:25 AM

I didn't want children at my reception and I certainly didn't want to pay for them to have a separate party. (I had an indoor, evening ceremony and reception, more formal than not.) With an outdoor wedding, I don't think you have to try to find accomodations for kids at all. Some parents may be pissed, but frankly that's tough. They'll either appreciate the night out by themselves after they've made their own arrangements, or they simply won't come at all. If you can afford to do something separate and you want to do it, by all means go for it.

If someone does RSVP with their children included after you've made it clear they are not invited, then you would do as gymrat suggested and contact them yourself or enlist the help of your Mom/Dad, MOH or BMs, depending on who the offending person is. (And it is an offense, people should know better.)

Jacqueline · #10 07-01-2006, 06:55 AM

in my opion wedding are family things there for children should be inclued

have 3 under 5 my self along 3 nices and a nephew all inclued in the wedding i do not aggree with child not being invited but this is just my opion

we are have alhcol served and you tend to find most mum and dad will watch there child (well i know i do) but we have a kids section in our hall where the kids can do what they like (with in reasion) they also have there own table where they can go to the buffet

as a family we tend not to go accpet invites where our children are not included if it is a family thing cos our family are a child care so it means some will miss out friends things we try to ask a member of the family but again if they cant we DONT go

in my eyes i find it big insault if the host/hostess of the party have kids and say no kids (again this is just the way i feel)

if i was you i would make sure it is clear on the invite that childern are not welcome people will make there own mind up weather or not they want to get a sitter and be there and again if someone dose RSVP with childs name simple br polit and call and say sorry i must noit have made it clear but as your child is under 16 they are not in vited (would use moer take than that)

555Ann555 · #11 07-01-2006, 01:53 PM

I didn't invite any children to my reception either, however I did end up with 3 kids there!

2 of them were the FGs (who are our neices) and I knew they'd be there, but they are very well behaved children. The third was my cousin's child, I was OK with that only because she came 8 hours on a bus to attend our wedding!

I felt a bit bad when I found out that there would be one child who was not part of the BP at the reception, because I hadn't invited any of my friend's children... But I opnly heard about one couple complaining

And they complained to my MOH not me!

But in the end it was fine, the girls entertained each other as they were all the same age group (8-9). And I'm still really glad that we didn't have any smaller children there.

My MOH & BMan had their son brought the the chapel by my MOH's family, which would have been fine, but he screamed his way throughout most of the ceremony

this is because he wasn't allowed down to where his parents were.

It bothered me more that the grandma didn't take him through the glass doors where we wouldn't all have had to listen to him than the fact that they brought him.

We had plenty of people come to our wedding Mass that weren't officially invited, but that happens quite a lot over here! They just want to show their support, even though you can't afford to invite them all to the wedding!

ljeagle · #12 07-01-2006, 02:02 PM

We didn't want babies at the reception so we had 2 day care worker come in to the nursery. But then again my sister has a day care business so that was a help. But you could call around to different day cares in the area to see if they would offer that to you.

If you still don't want children there then I would just put what Heather said. "Adult Reception" to the bottom corner of your invitation.

ljeagle · #13 07-01-2006, 02:03 PM

Welcome to PASH!

mommy03bride · #14 07-01-2006, 05:31 PM

welcome to pash first off

second i do have 3 daughters myself and i have to say i dont think there is anything wrong with not having kids at the wedding/reception. it is your day and if thats what u want then thats what u deserve. some people might get upset with us cause we are only allowing the wedding party kids to ours and they will leave at a reasonable time. the kids in the wedding party are my brothers 3 kids and mine of course. i know there will be some people that will most likely be saying "why do they get to come" but i dont care, i personally dont want to deal or hear anyone elses kids but mine own. i want my kids to be there for most of it cause there a hugh part of my life well there everything to me. not to mention i have been inviting to alot of wedding like that and its not hard to get a babysitter for one day. so i think u should put on the invites alduts only

michaelsbride · #15 07-01-2006, 08:11 PM

Well since we're having an outside affair, and its mostly family and michaels close friends, we are welcoming children. The more the merrier! we want to start our own family in a year or so and i trust that the adults will see to it the kids are well behaved.

Plus we have a ring bearer who is two and i didnt want him to be alone so all the kids will be able to play together. Im setting up a table with coloring books, crayons, probably some card games, and the "find it jars" to keep them occupied... plus they'll probably be boogieing on the dance floor which is always great for pictures!

BUT i understand you not wanting them in the same room... you just have to decide if you want to take the responsibility of finding a babysitter for everyone or letting them take care of it themselves. best of luck!

feb-bride · #16 07-05-2006, 05:43 PM

The way to exclude children is to leave their names off the inner envelopes. Also, on the outer envelopes, don't put "and family" on the envelopes. Send guests age 16+ their own invitations. This way, it's very clear that children under 16 are not invited.

I have three kids, and I don't see anything wrong with not inviting kids to a wedding and reception. As parents, we can make the decision to either a) hire a sitter or b) decline the invitation.

I did have a sitter at my reception to man the "kids' table," but that's because I knew that if I didn't include kids, almost half of my guests would not attend because they only allow other family members to watch their kids.

If you want a 16+ guest list, go for it. You are not "obligated" to host a kids' reception if you don't want to or if it's not in your budget. If the guests are offended that you didn't invite their kids, that's their problem - NOT YOURS.

sparklesweetie · #17 07-05-2006, 07:36 PM

Tina, I was in the same boat. I am an assistant preschool teacher myself, but didn't want to worry about children at the ceremony and reception. What I did was put "adult only reception" at the bottom of my invitations. I also made sure my family members knew it as well, so if they were asked they were able to say no children. It worked out fine, I had no little little kids there. The youngest I think was 10 (he's a nephew), and he left shortly after the reception started.
Like Heather said, most people shouldn't be offended. And if they do, so be it. They'll either get over it and come or not come and it'll save you some money. (Sorry, I'm a bit hard nosed right now, especially since the wedding was last month.) HTH!

TheaterDiva1 · #18 07-05-2006, 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michaelsbride

second, we've got this discussion somewhere but my suggestion is to put "due to the evening hour, we kindly request that children under the age of 16 not attend"

I wouldn't say that on an invitation - an invite should be about including people, not excluding them. Theoretically, the inner envelope should list names of people specifically invited, and if someone's name isn't there, it should be understood that person's not invited - simple as that. Then if anyone says anything, reinforce what you told us (nicely, of course).

feb-bride · #19 07-05-2006, 10:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheaterDiva1

I wouldn't say that on an invitation - an invite should be about including people, not excluding them.

I could not agree more with this statement.

ladedah · #20 07-06-2006, 06:58 PM

We are not children people...as in we don't really care to be around children...we had listed adult reception on our reception card, and well as only listing adults on the inner envelope...it worked well until my MIL demanded that her new grandson (my DH nephew)who was four days old could come because he was family and therefore did not count, when my DH explained to her that it would be unfair to have him there when others obviously realized that children were not invited she told him that she would stay home with the baby then...needless to say he cried during the ceremony, and during the speeches at the reception...no one took him out of the room (exactly what we were trying to avoid)...i suppose the point of my little off topic is that there will probably still be someone who brings a child or asks to....all you can do is the proper etiquette and expect that someone else won't know what that is.

feb-bride · #21 07-06-2006, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladedah

...needless to say he cried during the ceremony, and during the speeches at the reception...no one took him out of the room (exactly what we were trying to avoid)...

How passive-aggressive of your MIL.

I guess we lucked out. We had a couple of babies at our wedding, and if I hadn't seen them personally, I wouldn't have known they were there because neither one of them made a peep.

tina_mae · #22 07-08-2006, 04:54 PM

Thank you all for your support and suggestions. Needless to say, this has been one of the most stressful parts of planning our wedding. Everything has come together except this. All of you have reinerated what my fiance has been telling me and that is That it is our wedding day and we don't want children. Let people come or don't come. That's up to them.

Like many of you also said, I want to share this day with my son, so he should be there. I also don't want to deal with anyone else's children on our special day except our own. Again, I am a preschool teacher and love children, but I also love it when they all go home. The no children rule will work for my fiance's family, but I am more worried about my grandmother (very strict and very proper and very mean sometimes). But my fiance and I have talked, and I guess if she doesn't come, then it's not really that big of loss for the fabulous day that we are going to have.

Thank you again everyone!!!

Kim&Bob2004 · #23 07-08-2006, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladedah

We are not children people...as in we don't really care to be around children...we had listed adult reception on our reception card, and well as only listing adults on the inner envelope...it worked well until my MIL demanded that her new grandson (my DH nephew)who was four days old could come because he was family and therefore did not count, when my DH explained to her that it would be unfair to have him there when others obviously realized that children were not invited she told him that she would stay home with the baby then...needless to say he cried during the ceremony, and during the speeches at the reception...no one took him out of the room (exactly what we were trying to avoid)...i suppose the point of my little off topic is that there will probably still be someone who brings a child or asks to....all you can do is the proper etiquette and expect that someone else won't know what that is.

What kind of person would bring a 4 day old baby to a wedding to begin with!

Lizbet · #24 07-08-2006, 06:58 PM

I'm glad you've made your decision and that your FH is with you on it. It will be much easier since you both agree.

feb-bride · #25 07-10-2006, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

What kind of person would bring a 4 day old baby to a wedding to begin with!

What kind of woman who JUST GAVE BIRTH would even want to ATTEND a wedding? At four days post-partum, I was barely able to go up the stairs at my house; there's no way I would have even considered attending a wedding!