Are my FMIL priorities wrong?

[goingtothechapel]

I gotta make this quick, but this my dillemma: FH and I live here in LA as do his dad and his stepmom. Lovely people, love them. His mom, not so lovely, lives in Wyoming-she dislikes me primarily because I am marrying the baby and only boy of the family-how dumb is that?

Onto the story. I graduated film school not too long ago. Invited FFIL and his wife and my family. No invite to MIL because she can't dislikes me and frankly, I didn't think she'd want to come and it was my graduation and wanted to celebrate with those who love and support me. She got upset and said it wasn't "fair" she wasn't invited, that it was rude.

Fast forward to last week. FMIL had been scheduled to visit all last week. It had been planned for 2 months. I get a call 2 days before FMIL is to come out saying that my mom, who lives in Vermont, who I only see once a year at Xmas and my sister and her new baby, who I have never see-they both live in Berlin with her husband-are coming to visit. My mom arranged this trip as a consolation prize because she couldn't make my graduation. My other sister just had her baby and my mom stayed with her. I drop everything and rearrange my schedule so I can see my family. This means that I don't spend as much time with FMIL as planned-no big deal because she dislikes me and I figure seeing her son is more important.

FMIL tells FH I was rude, that I care more about my family than her and that if it's this way now, it will always be this way and that I will always put my family before his.

Can anyone make rhyme or reason of this? I think FMIL is way too sensitive personally. After all, I don't have money to see my sister in Germany and she doesn't have money to come see me all the time and neither does my mom. What does FMIL expect?

[Heather]

Hi and welcome!

I think that if the only reason she "dislikes" you is because you're marrying her only son, then you shouldn't blow it out of proportion. By not inviting her to a family event to which his Dad and StepMom were invited, it was kind of rude. I totally understand wanting to spend time with your family, but if FMIL's trip had been planned for two months, you should have made some concessions to spend time with her too.

I think a lot of Moms go through a phase where they dislike the FDIL b/c they feel they're losing a son, and in cases like this, it's always better if the FDIL makes more of an effort to reach out to her. Make her feel she's gaining a daughter instead of losing a son. If you continue to shut her out and not include her family events, you're adding fuel to the fire and what may have been normal mother/son unbonding - can turn into a hell of a lot more. My advice is to step up and be the hero. Kill her with kindness and don't give her anymore fuel for disliking you. Call her. Make an effort to include her your wedding planning by sending e-mails with updates, etc. Also, bite your tongue with telling your fiance how horrid is mother is. Be an adult and try to work it out on your own first. If that doesn't work, then ask your fiance to talk to his Mom to see if something can't be worked out.

Good luck!

[michaelsbride]

I dont think i could have said it better than heather already did....

I agree that it was rude of you to not invite her but at the same time, i understand. Sometimes though when joining a new family, you have to be respectful even when you know its not appreciated and probably wont make a difference anyway. The last thing you want is to give her "ammo" to use against you.

[goingtothechapel]

LOL, that was quick! I don't talk to FH about how I dislike his mom, although she talks to him about how she dislikes me!

[ljeagle]

Welcome to PASH!

I have to agree with Heather on this one and I'm one that can't stand my MIL. Try to include her in on some things! Maybe go visit her for a weekend just you two so u can get to know each other. I know it had to be hard with your family in but I'm sure she felt left out cause she had planed this for 2 months. I've tried every thing to get my MIL to like me and it don't work. Some times people are just closed to new people. All you can do is try!

[goingtothechapel]

Thank you so much for the advice-this time not spending time w/FMIL was an anomaly. Normally, whenever she visits, which isn't often, thank the Good Lord, I spend tons of time with her and FH. But I don't have to spend time with her alone do I, without FH as a buffer? I couldn't hack it.

[ljeagle]

I think it would just be a way to show her hey I'm not really rude. You never know you might find that you two could of a good relationship! I would do any thing for my MIL to stop acting like she is.

[AshyBekka]

Hi and welcome to Pash! As far as spending time alone, maybe you could try small doses? You know, a light lunch or something where your fiance shows up at a pre-arranged time at the end to join the two of you after for something? I have to admit, my FMIL is a bit of a mystery to me, and I'm in a similar position as far as knowing my FFIL and his wife better. Since we're in different towns, I try to keep my fiance's mom up to date on wedding stuff from time to time with emails and quick phone calls (she never answers, so I leave messages). It doesn't seem like a lot to me, but she her responses always seem genuinely excited-since your fiance's mom is out of town/state as well, you might try starting with notes like that-it may lead to the two of you finding out things in common (like the wedding!) that you can talk about whenever you do see each other...

Good luck! Keep us posted on planning!

[Emily]

I agree with all the other girls have said - kill her with kindness and try and include her in everything... maybe she is acting the way she is because she has felt left out by you!?!

I think it was wrong of you to not invite her to your graduation when everyone else was - turn the tables and put yourself in her spot in that situation, its not a nice feeling!

Good luck anyway!

P.S Welcome to Pash!

[555Ann555]

I think the others are right.

If you want the situation to improve you have to put in the ground work. If it means playing nicely then that's what you need to do

I can totally understand why first instincts say "no way." But sometimes you have to put yourself out of your comfort zone for the good of the relationship.

I had a difficult time with my MIL at first. I am 8 years younger than my husband, and he was the baby of his family. And I'm quite out-going, (maybe even a little forward?!) and his family are all quite shy & reserved.

It was difficult to make friends with his mum & his family, but it was definately worth the effort. Now I love his mum to bits and have discovered that in many ways she is just like my husband! I respect her a great deal, and that would never have come about if I had just sat back or not put in the effort.

I know it'll feel like a struggle, and you may feel rejected and disheartened by the process but just keep working away at it

And we're always here for support if you can't get along!

[Kim&Bob2004]

WELCOME TO PASH!

I agree with the others. Even if my FMIL had pistol whipped me (ok harsh but trying to use extreme ) I would have invited her to my graduation. I can really see her point on that.

I can understand why you would want to spend time with your family if you can't see them often, but your FMIL had planned it for 2 months at least and you all had agreed that the time was alright before she made her plans so I would have made a point, personally, to spend some quality time with her. However I don't think it had to be alone time. I wouldn't feel comfortable myself doing that with someone I didn't know that well... Even with Bob's Aunt Velma, whom I love, I would feel shy spending a lot of alone time with her, because I don't know her. An hour or so is one thing, a whole day or two is something else, but that is just me...... So I guess I am saying I see no big issue if you see her with your FH until you two are comfortable and know each other better.

FH is her baby, she maybe be upset and going through the pain of having those apron strings tugged and broken right now..... Try to put yourself in her shoes. She did give birth to the man you love and part of her is in him... I liked how Ann said it.

Again Welcome to Pash!

[weddingadvisor]

Well, it sounds like she doesn't care for you, but you don't need to stoop to her level. She may just like to be included in things, even if she doesn't actually attend.

In the future when an event comes around, extend the invite, don't worry if she doesn't come. She probably won't. But she won't have any leverage to talk bad about you to her son.

[goingtothechapel]

Well, we didn't agree on her coming 2 months ago. She just sort of foisted herself on us and said, "This is when I am coming". Another part of why I kind of shied away from FMIL when my family was here is because my mom heartily dislikes FMIL because FMIL heartily dislikes me. It's better to keep the two women seperate.

[Heather]

Who is "we" - you and your fiance didn't agree or you didn't agree? Also, if your Mom cant' stand your FMIL because of you, then you need to make that right. If your Mom can't behave to the point where you need to keep them separated, that's your own fault.

I'm sorry, but I find it aggravating when DILs don't make an effort to understand their FMIL, shut them out of everything and then get the rest of her family invovled. Then, blame the MIL for being upset and pissed off.

You already have your mind made up that you're not going to have a good relationship with her. After all of the suggestions, advice and sharing of stories from other posters on here, you focus on the fact that she forced herself on you.

I wish you luck at your wedding because you're already setting yourself up for a lot of awkward moments and future conflict with not only your FMIL but with your future husband too.

[breezy]

As some wise person on Pash once posted:

"you are planning a marriage, not just a wedding"

a marriage is a merging of 2 families. We don't get to choose our inlaws. However we DO get to choose how we treat them. (reguardless of how they treat us)

[justnmary]

I'm getting the same impression that your FMIL has, that you want nothing to do with his family and that yours is more important. The harder you push your in-laws away, the bigger the chance you'll push future hubby away also. Remember, he was born and raised by this woman and he probably thinks a lot like her and the more you distance yourself and try to distance him, he's going to think about whether or not you're really what he wants. Be careful this could get ugly.

[goingtothechapel]

FMIL just called one day, said I'm coming, these are the dates and that's it. FH and I had no idea she was going to visit. As far as my mom and FMIL, of course I am going to talk to her about what is going on with me and of course I am going to tell her about my issues with FMIL. Who better to vent to? And being my mom, of course she is going to be protective of me re FMIL. I do like FH's family-his dad, stepmom are great and I adore both sets of grandparents. I don't feel my family is more important, but I hadn't seen them in forever and I have no idea when I will see my sister who lives in Germany again. It might not be for another 2 years and she won't be able to come to the wedding, so of course I am going to prioritize her visit and put her first and make the most of her trip.

[Kim&Bob2004]

I have just one question: Your Sister came from Germany but didn't give notice? I can't believe she didn't have an idea long before they called you that they were coming. Is your BIL in the military? I would think there would be some notice for a leave too if he is.

Don't be bitter to your FMIL. From what you just said I think she may be feeling she has to even be in competition with your FH stepmother. If you love your FH, you will need to notice that like it or not, he has some of her in him. This is his mother and even when he is upset and talking bad about her, don't join him in the insults, it will kill a part of him each time, just like it would you if he insulted your mother when you were upset with her about something.

But I wonder if our advice is falling on "deaf ears"?

[clairon13]

chapel, i for one can certainly understand that not seeing close family members whom you haven't seen in a while is a really big deal.... my sister moved to texas just a couple of months ago, and i miss her so much that if she came into town as a surprise, i would do all i could to be w/ her. that being said, could you have done something as soon as you knew your family was coming in as well to let your FMIL know that while you are sensitive to the fact that she'd been planning this trip for a while, you aren't going to be able to spend as much time w/ her as you'd like b/cs of your visit from your own family.... that way she would have known that you were aware of her intentions to spend time w/ you... perhaps she, too, feels the rift and hoped to correct y'all's relationship by making such an intentional effort to see you and your FH. i don't particularly get along w/ my MIL, but it's less negative and more just don't know her, but i know if she made a strong effort to be w/ me or spend time w/ me, i'd be so excited about the prospect of perhaps getting ot know her better and have her know me better so that i don't feel i'm always channeling that relationship thru DH.
again, i can almost completely understand putting my family first that same weekend, but did you not spend any time w/ FMIL, or did you make it clear that you'd rather be w/ yours when you were w/ his? if so, then, yeah, that might be misconstrued and yes, your priorities are a little off.... it is you, FH, and both sides coming together.... it doesn't mean you have to have a perfect relationship w/ any of the ILs, some like ljeagle has tried, but to no avail, but the effort is always worth it. it is the rest of both your lives after all.

[peckmiranda]

Okay...I kinda disagree on this one...yes, you should have invited her to the party, but on her visit, I completely support you spending the majority of your time with your mother, sister, and niece whom you'd never seen before. As long as you explained the situation to her, I think she should have understood that it was one of those things where this was your only chance to see them. It's not like you intentionally planned it for their visits to be at the same time. I think sitting down and writing a note to her saying "I think I may not have explained the situation fully..." or something like that would help. Don't accept all the blame, and don't blame her for anything, but just try to clarify everything. Hopefully she'll step up and meet you halfway.

[goingtothechapel]

Never, ever would I badmouth FMIL or his family to FH. My parents are divorced and my dad would badmouth my mom to me and my sisters all day long. My sister's visit was a surprise-really had no idea she was coming. Her husband isn't in the military, but he has a very high up job in the government in Germany-it's a long story and I'm not sure I can get into it on the board. Anyway, FH and I are going to talk about the FMIL issue tonight when we get home from our respective jobs. But I just-it is my family-isn't it basic instinct to put them before inlaws?

[breezy]

Originally Posted by goingtothechapel

But I just-it is my family-isn't it basic instinct to put them before inlaws?

I suppose that depends on the view from your point... it also depends on your "family values".

To me "inlaws" aren't "outlaws". They ARE family, so it becomes a balancing act, just like it does with my blood reletives.

[Kim&Bob2004]

Originally Posted by breezy

I suppose that depends on the view from your point... it also depends on your "family values".

To me "inlaws" aren't "outlaws". They ARE family, so it becomes a balancing act, just like it does with my blood reletives.

I agree.

But we only know what you are telling us.... so we are only making educated guesses and telling you what we would or are doing.

Personally I wouldn't be telling my family about personality issues with inlaws, friends yes maybe, my family who has some potential contact with his family, no. I think we had someone here in the recent past with a situation very much like yours. Hope everything works out.

[fallbride]

Welcome to Pash! I agree with the other ladies on this. I reallyhave nothing to add at this point.

[Heather]

Originally Posted by breezy

To me "inlaws" aren't "outlaws". They ARE family, so it becomes a balancing act, just like it does with my blood reletives.

Same here. I treat Mike's family like I treat my own - Mom, Dad, Brothers, Sisters and Aunts & Uncles. I'm not as close to them as I am to my own family of course but they also live 4 hours away. My Mom and MIL will be here Saturday for our housewarming and I'm just as excited to see my MIL as I am my Mom. I really am. She gave me the best gift in the world and for that I will always be grateful.

We (I) don't mean to come down hard on you. It's just that we've seen so much on this board and it really is in your best interest (and your FH's) that we suggest taking the high-road and really giving her a chance. It may not work (it doesn't always), but it just might and you'll never know if you don't try. I know that I'm very lucky to feel like I'm loved by two Moms and I just want to see other women have that same feeling.