feel rejected cause friend said no to being one of my bm - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

mommy03bride · #1 06-28-2006, 06:46 PM

hey everyone

i decided that we were going to have 3 bm and of course mo. well anyhow i already asked my mo and she was honored

. which made me so happy. i have been waiting to see my other friends so i can ask them in person. well i saw one of my good friends on sat. and i asked her and she told me she would love to but

(when she said but my heart dropped, i even told her "are u going to tell me no" not what i was expecting at all) what if im to sick. we were at her daughters party so didnt want to start crying so we talked about it again yesterday. my friend has a really bad eating disorder where her hair is falling out, she so skinny, her bones are very weak. so anyhow i understand but i cant help but feel rejected. i love her to death but i really wish she just would had told me well if i feel better i will but dont count on it. now im scared to ask my other friends. this sucks! i really need advice. i didnt want to ask them over the phone but i really need to find out if they want to do it and if for some reason they say no i dont want them to see my face and not to mention all of our schedules are crazy so its hard to get together. what should i do?

Sh@ks18 · #2 06-28-2006, 06:51 PM

I say dont worry about it, just ask your other friends. I'm sure they would be happy to do it, if their circumstances allow.

The friend that said no, im sure she feels inadequate as it is with her illness and wouldnt want to be in the spotlight of being a bridesmaid. I'm sure if the circumstances were different, she would love to.

Maybe you can give her some low key responsibilities the day of the wedding, like arranging the party favors or being your assistant for the day so she can do some of the running around that the bridesmaids wont be able to do.

mommy03bride · #3 06-28-2006, 06:59 PM

yeah your right. i still feel like crap but i guess i will get over it.

Lizbet · #4 06-28-2006, 07:05 PM

I also say that it is probably your friend's insecurities about her looks and health that caused her to say no. It's not that she doesn't support you, but she doesn't want to let you down in the future. And, right now she doesn't quite know where the future is taking her.

Ask your other friends when and how you want.

Robyn Lynn · #5 06-28-2006, 07:14 PM

Where did my reply go????

Okay, here it is again.....

I would feel bad, too, if someone had said no to being in my wedding, but just know that it is not you they are rejecting. Sometimes people will decline for financial reasons.

With this friend, it sounds like she doesn't want to spoil your day by being sick and not being able to fullfill her duties. Try to look at it that way and maybe you will start feeling better.

Just remember that the day is about you and FH and as long as you both are there then everything will be fine!!

mommy03bride · #6 06-28-2006, 07:19 PM

u are all right. its just hard not to feel sad about this. thanxs everyone for your support!

michaelsbride · #7 06-28-2006, 07:45 PM

I agree with the other girls... as hard as it is to hear no (when i told my best friend i was getting married i got "oh" and the response then she "had to go"), she probably feels just as bad to have to tell you no. Being a bm can come with a lot of responsibility and if she felt she would let you down in anyway, she would feel worse than she already does....

my suggestion... make her an "honorary bm"... you can have her walk if she feels up to it, in a dress thats maybe special for her (like she can try to match as best as possible or in something thats one of your other wedding colors)... that way she can join in if she feels ok and if not, she can sit with the guests knowing you wanted her standing next to you... you can put her in the programs or whatever as an "honorary bm" where it wouldnt look out of place if she was or wasnt there.. .KMIM?? you still get to honor your friendship and she still has the ability to do whats healthiest for her?

Marge129 · #8 06-28-2006, 08:28 PM

I don't have anything else to add beyond what the others have said. I just wanted to pop in and give you a virtual

Jennifer · #9 06-28-2006, 09:54 PM

Don't take it personally. It probably has nothing to do with you but more with her own personal insecurity. Some people can't commit to the time constraint or the financial pressure brought on by being in a wedding. You have to understand that she may have had your best interest in mind when she said no. It may not have been easy for her but she probably knows you deserve the best BMs you can find and for one reason or another she knows she can't be that person.

AshyBekka · #10 06-28-2006, 10:15 PM

I agree with what the other girls are saying. It sounds to me like she's in a really tough position in life, and rather than let you down later on she'd rather be up front about it now. Her situation is unique, and if you choose another friend, there's no reason to think that she would say no. Try to look at the situation from your friend's point of view: I still struggle with an eating disorder, but right now it's managed. Your friend doesn't sound like she's in that situation. Put into an environment where I knew I would have to dress up, that people would be looking at me, that was high stress all around-well, I would be worried about going into a severe downward spiral if my disorder were in high gear right now. Being in your wedding could literally be a serious danger to her health. Be proud of her for recognizing her limitations, and being strong enough to say no to something that she no doubt would love to be a part of. That's a huge step in her recovery...

munchkin · #11 06-29-2006, 03:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AshyBekka

Put into an environment where I knew I would have to dress up, that people would be looking at me, that was high stress all around-well, I would be worried about going into a severe downward spiral if my disorder were in high gear right now. Being in your wedding could literally be a serious danger to her health. Be proud of her for recognizing her limitations, and being strong enough to say no to something that she no doubt would love to be a part of. That's a huge step in her recovery...

You took the words right out of my mouth....er, fingers

.

Heather · #12 06-29-2006, 04:24 AM

Agree with all of the above. This isn't about you at all, it's about her. Be grateful that she was honest enough (and caring) to tell you the truth even when it may have been a bit embarassing to do so. A lot of women wouldn't do that, and instead would have sucked it up and been miserable through the whole process. I know I wouldn't want my friends in that position regardless of whether or not it was my wedding. She is a very good friend.

555Ann555 · #13 06-29-2006, 02:26 PM

I have to agree with everyone too. I know it must feel awful to have her say no, but she may not have been able to bear the pressure of being involved, not just the duties, but knowing that she would be involved in a lot of the photographs too...

I think having her as an honorary BM is a lovely idea, do you think she'd be up to helping with anything that wouldn't put her in the spotlight too much?

But you should be prepared for her to say no to that too, because her ED may consume her too much to allow her to focus on much else...

Kim&Bob2004 · #14 06-29-2006, 02:47 PM

I think she actually may be showing you a ton fo love for saying the word no. She has a lot of issues going on, and she doesn't want your wedding hurt becuase of her and her issues. I think that shows some unselfish love.

Welcome to Pash,,,,,, I can't recall if I have welcomed you yet! Sorry if I have!

mommy03bride · #15 06-29-2006, 04:23 PM

thanks kim

all of u are right about my friend. i talk to her last night and i didnt tell her i was hurt cause i dont want her to feel bad. she told me though she really wants to be in my wedding but what shes going threw its hard to say if she could. i just told her i totally understood and if she feels better then we will discuss it again, another then that i would love it if she could help me look for stuff. she was happy that i was still including her in it.

Lizbet · #16 06-29-2006, 04:25 PM

That's great! I'm glad it hasn't affected your friendship.

In her situation she needs a good friend like you.

labeadel · #17 06-29-2006, 06:11 PM

I know you've already gotten the advice you need, but I'm so proud of her for being able to say no and of you for accepting it so gracefully. I know you were hurt, but you didn't let her know, and that's a huge deal, at least in my book.

SuzyBride · #18 06-30-2006, 01:48 AM

I'm glad you talked to her about it a bit. And I am so glad that you have chosen to involve her in the planning process. She probably really needs you right now and more than likely needs something else to concentrate on some.