Inviting without guests - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Soon to b mrs B · #1 06-27-2006, 06:13 AM

Hello all

...A new bride to be here...just joining the forum.
I have been agonizing over this decision for about a week now and am unclear how to resolve this...
I have a decent sized family and my FH has a large one...we also have many friends that we wish to celebrate our day with.
The wedding will be in my home town which is 6 hours away from where I, my FH, most of his family, and our friends live. We want to get married on the beach and that can get kind of pricey...
We would love to invite everyone especially with guests but I don't know how i'm going to pull it off...
We want to keep it small and intimate (maybe around 50 people) and to people that we're actually close to. My FH has many aunts and uncles and a ton of cousins that he hasn't seen in years and I haven't even met some of them. I don't know if it is appropriate to not invite them and how we can break it to his parents...
To top it off even without inviting some of his relatives we're still over because of the assumption everyone will have a guest...
If we do not allow guests unless they are SO we'll be barely over our guest limit and that is even cutting some of our friends...
I'm so confused on what to do...
Would it be appropriate to ask people if they mind us not including guests?
HELP!!!!!!!!!

Sh@ks18 · #2 06-27-2006, 07:00 AM

First i wanted to say welcome to pash

One idea you can do is just have the small wedding by the beach like you wanted, then if youre up for it, do an informal cake and punch reception for the rest of the guests/family members that werent invited

munchkin · #3 06-27-2006, 07:29 AM

You only need to invite guests if they are married, engaged, living together or in a long-term relationship (you decide how long that is, but I'm using at least 1.5 years).

Welcome to Pash!

555Ann555 · #4 06-27-2006, 11:10 AM

Would it be possible for you to have a small wedding then a larger reception?

I think it is perfectly reasonable to only invite people who you are close to. I know that it will probably upset some people, but anyone who is married will understand the costs involved, and hopfully be resonable enought to accept your decision.

Of course we have seen all sorts of crazy senarios on here, so you never know how reasonale they would actually be!

Clarity · #5 06-27-2006, 02:34 PM

Welcome to Pash! All the ladies here are SOOOOOOO helpful!

I'm in with the others, I would say a small intimate ceremony and a reception for the others would be a nice compromise.

Just remember it's your day not theirs!

fallbride · #6 06-27-2006, 02:59 PM

Welcome to Pash!

I agree with the other ladies on this one.

wembley · #7 06-27-2006, 03:21 PM

Whatever you end up going with, just make sure that you and your FH are able to back up your choice. You'll probably get plenty of questions and comments no matter what you end up doing.

Just remember to be proud of what you do and enjoy that it's all for your wedding day to the man you love.

sparklesweetie · #8 06-27-2006, 03:22 PM

I had a small ceremony (due to the venue limits on # of ppl) and then had a larger reception. It went fine, I didn't hear too many complain about it. And it was mostly our families that saw us get married, which is what we wanted. Then our acquaintences and such came to the reception. So if you can do that, that would be my suggestion.

FYI though-having two guests lists can be a pain sometimes. Especially when people start replying no and you start inviting others off the 2nd list. But if you're organized, it can be done.

maroki13 · #9 06-27-2006, 03:45 PM

Hello, and welcome to Pash!!

We were kind of in the same situation as you. We only invited guests if they were significant others- living together or had been together more than a year. A lot of our relatives/friends are young and single, and we don't have the space or money to invite guests with all of them. They all know each other as well, so there will be people there for them to socialize with.

breezy · #10 06-27-2006, 04:27 PM

We are having a smaller wedding ceremony and then a larger reception immediately following our ceremony (on the beach

)

It is a bit of a struggle having 2 guest list, but it is doable.

We also didn't invite the aunts and uncles we haven't talked to in years. Leave that to your parents to discuss with family. My parents have let everyone know its SMALL, and immediate family only.

We will be sending announcements to the aunts and uncles that aren't invited. Honestly in our case, that was a no-brainer. The ones not invited wouldn't have attended anyway... no matter how close our family is.

kenzies_mama · #11 06-27-2006, 07:29 PM

We are inviting all our aunts uncles and cousin but not any of our second aunts uncle or cousins. His mom is really pulling for one of her uncle but I think it's rude to only invite one.
We are also not having any guest with our single friends, because this would add like 15-20 people, I explained to the boys if they didn't have a signifigant other with whom we'd met by the time invites went out they wouldn't have a guest. Also when I send otu the invites I plan on putting their signifigant other name so there's no confusion as to whom to bring with them. I just rather not have a bunch of girls I don't even know at our reception. All my friends are engaged or going to be married by that point so they will all have a guest.

So I'd have to say not including guest shouldn't be that big of a deal, as long as your not excluding a wife, husband or fiance.

labeadel · #12 06-27-2006, 07:44 PM

There are a couple things to think about... Remember that not everyone will come that you invite. For the most part, I think you can expect (or hope) that about 20% of your guests that are invited will not come. IMO, it's okay to invite a little more than what you can seat. Especially since many of your guests will have to drive a little way to get there. There's also a B list, which in your case may be something to think about. Not many people on here will agree with a B list, but I think in some situations it might be a little necessary.

Regarding inviting guests plus one, we allowed a guest for anyone who was dating someone, living with someone, or married (of course). We didn't keep it to a certain time frame, as there are people who have only been dating for 3-6 months that are closer than people who have been dating for a year. That wasn't for me to decide, IMO. If I had been dating DH for 6 months and he wasn't invited to a wedding that I was invited to, I would've been a little

. Our guests didn't get a "plus one" if they weren't dating anyone at all, at the time the invites went out.

Heather · #13 06-27-2006, 07:55 PM

I'm against the grain on this subject. We invited all of our single guests to bring a date and planned accordingly to do so. When I was a single woman, I would not have gone to a wedding without a date, and I didn't want to put any other women in that position. I guess I'm old fashion when it comes to being "escorted" to something like that. Most of the single men we invited (with a guest) came alone anyway in hopes to meet single women, lol. Like Amy, I'm also not comfortable determining who deserves to come based on how long they've been dating a friend of mine. That's not for me to decide.

I say do whatever you're comfortable with because as you can see, there isn't a standard etiquette (except for married, living together) and people having varying views.

labeadel · #14 06-27-2006, 07:58 PM

Oh and I forgot to add, our single friends only didn't get a guest if they knew other people that were going to be there. If we invited someone that wouldn't really have known anyone else and we didn't think they had a GF/BF, they got a guest regardless.

As you can see, we did it guest by guest.

wedbyjean · #15 06-27-2006, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Would it be appropriate to ask people if they mind us not including guests?

Of course, you want your guest to be comfortable, but in the end, it doesn't matter what they think -- it's not their wedding. If you want a small event -- regardless if it's because of personal preference, size of the venue, or budgetary reasons -- then have a small event. Unless engaged, married, living together or in a long term relationship you do not have to include "and guest."

Having an intimate ceremony and a larger reception is a nice idea, but if there are budget restraints, keep in mind that receptions typically cost a whole lot more than ceremonies. And inviting someone to the ceremony, but not the reception is a big no-no.

michaelsbride · #16 06-27-2006, 08:43 PM

Maybe you could send an invite to the singles... wait to see if you start hearing back from people either saying no or the singles calling and asking if they can bring a guest... if youve had a few people say no, then you can say "oh of course... i thought that was just a given"

Soon to b mrs B · #17 06-27-2006, 10:37 PM

Well since most of the people we are inviting are coming from out of town it really wouldn't be feasible to invite them only to the reception. If they are going to drive 6 hours i'm sure they would want to be at the ceremony.
How would I go about doing guests for some but not others? Don't you have to specify on the invitation? Would I even allow a space for number attending (If it is addressed to two people and only one will go how do they notate that if the number attending is not on the reply or even showing that both will attend?/ We also have families with children that would also need to notate if the whole family will attend...)? Most of our friends are male so them being escorted is not a huge deal IMO. Also most of our friends already know eachother. A few are dating/engaged/married so their SO would already deff be included in the invite with their own names. The ones who are not currently dating I do not see them having a SO between now and then anyways. I just don't want them inviting random people (I doubt they would but I dont want to leave any room for that). The only thing that I would be conserned with is my two brothers...I would want to make sure that they were allowed guests.
So basically I guess i'm asking how would I handle the invites and the wording/responses...

Soon to b mrs B · #18 06-27-2006, 10:42 PM

Also adding on...should I discuss this upfront with my friends about not allowing guests and add on that if there is enough room maybe we'll allow them later??

labeadel · #19 06-28-2006, 02:14 AM

This is generally what people do. On the inside envelope of the invitations, you put the names of the people invited. If you are inviting a guest with a guest, then you would put Sally & Guest on the inner envelope. If they are not getting a guest, then you would just write Sally. Most people know that if they are invited with a guest that it will be noted there. If someone then RSVP's with a guest and they weren't invited with one, then you would just give them a call and let them know that unfortanately due to space limitations they were invited alone. Be aware though that you will have a guest or two show up with a guest that didn't RSVP with it. Thankfully it worked out at my reception. But yes, it did happen.

I don't think that you need to be ready to defend your "guest" decisions. Nobody asked me once about why they didn't get to bring a date. I think you may be putting a little too much worry in this area. It's okay though, it happens.

Soon to b mrs B · #20 06-28-2006, 06:07 AM

Thank you all for your responses I really appreciate it. I didn't expect so many so fast

I was always under the impression that everything was printed out but that makes sense that you write peoples names inside...I think I knew that on a subconsious level since you wouldn't have invites mass produced with different names lol
I think to eliminate confusion (for me) that it would be a good idea to put number of attending spot on the rspv. If you have another opinion or idea please let me know.
I know that I shouldn't sweat this and that things will work out but I just want to do it as gracefully as possible. I'm not that up on wedding ettiquet but im learning

Again thanks to you all for helping me out here...

maroki13 · #21 06-28-2006, 06:20 AM

Quote:

I think to eliminate confusion (for me) that it would be a good idea to put number of attending spot on the rspv.

We have that on our RSVPs. It says "______ number accepting with pleasure"

That way, we know if they are attending and how many people are coming. Its worked out great for us so far.

555Ann555 · #22 06-28-2006, 10:18 AM

I've seen it done where the reply also has mention of how many places were reserved for them, but if you are using an inner envelope with the guest's name then it might not be necessary.

Kim&Bob2004 · #23 06-28-2006, 02:33 PM

welcome!

MarthaA562 · #24 10-01-2006, 04:43 AM

If his parents are so adament about inviting the extended family, have him ask if they will chip in extra to cover the extra costs!!!

DavidsWife · #25 10-01-2006, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shaks18

First i wanted to say welcome to pash

One idea you can do is just have the small wedding by the beach like you wanted, then if youre up for it, do an informal cake and punch reception for the rest of the guests/family members that werent invited

Good Idea Girl!