Second time etique - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Clarity · #1 06-16-2006, 08:56 PM

What are some of the second time etiques? this is my first wedding but I have children and it's his second wedding. His first was outside so he and I would like a church wedding. What are some do's and don'ts? Also we planned to pay for this ourselves but it was mentioned by family members that my parents should still be financial "helpful"

maroki13 · #2 06-16-2006, 09:49 PM

I don't know anything about second time etiquette. It is your first wedding, so you could very well follow first-time etiquette. It is your wedding....do whatever you want!

As far as who is 'financially responsible' for the wedding...no one is 'obligated' to pay for a wedding these days except for the bride and groom. Traditionally, the bride's parents used to pay for the wedding and the groom's parents for the honeymoon (among other things). These days, however, people pay for weddings in a variety of ways. Some couples pay for their entire wedding themselves, and some finance it through help of both sets of parents.

In your situation, since you are financially independent of your parents, I would expect to pay for the wedding yourself. If your parents offer money towards the wedding, then you can accept it. But since you have been on your own for a while and have children, I don't believe the normal 'obligation' that the bride's parents have to pay for the wedding still exists.

Heather · #3 06-16-2006, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maroki13

In your situation, since you are financially independent of your parents, I would expect to pay for the wedding yourself. If your parents offer money towards the wedding, then you can accept it. But since you have been on your own for a while and have children, I don't believe the normal 'obligation' that the bride's parents have to pay for the wedding still exists.

BINGO. No one *should* pay for anything except you and your fiance. Your family members are absolutely wrong. ETA: This isn't to say that if it's offered, you shouldn't accept by any means.

Since it's your first wedding, you can still do "normal" traditions. Your friends and family can host a bridal shower, bachelorette party, you can wear the white dress, veil, be walked down the aisle and do the whole cake thing if you wish. Because it's his second wedding, some of his friends and family may not want to go through everything again - they've done the bachelor party, given gifts, etc. but I've rarely seen this happen.

If you want a church wedding, you need to be certain that the pastor (or whomever) will marry you. I don't know your religion, but Catholics are very strict in this regard and divorces are not allowed. He will have to go through the process of getting his first marriage annulled if it isn't already. However as I mention, this is if you're getting married in a Catholic church. I'm sure some of the other girls on here can explain more fully than I.

Kim&Bob2004 · #4 06-16-2006, 11:09 PM

I agree with Maroli and Heather.

breezy · #5 06-17-2006, 12:58 AM

Heather said exactly what I would have posted!

ljeagle · #6 06-17-2006, 01:27 AM

In my eyes if your parents want to help out then I don't see any problem. I wouldn't expect them to pay for any thing. My parents helped us out some! This is my first marriage but he has been married b-4. I didn't expected any thing from his family hell they didn't even help or ask to help out with any thing. It hurt me a little that they didn't even offer to help with decorating or cleaning up they left it up to my family. It made me feel like they didn't support us getting married. But it's your wedding and you will only have one chance to make it your dream so go for it do any thing u want to.

wynelle · #7 06-17-2006, 01:31 AM

It's your first wedding, so you can do any of the "first wedding" things; in your case (forgive me for saying this) but there are other considerations.

Since you are a little older than most first time brides, you may want to *not* consider a dress that is too big, fluffy, rows of bows and frills, etc. Something a little less frilly. Also, since you have three children, you probably would not want to have the "blusher" part of the veil.

Since you are financially independent of your parents, you might want the pastor to revise the vows, so your parents aren't "giving you away" but are "supporting you in this marriage."

I personally wouldn't have a wild bachelorette party, but a bridesmaids' tea, or a pamper yourself party kind of thing would be great.

But there is absolutely no reason to not have a lovely white dress and veil, to have bridesmaids, to have a gorgeous cake, to have a first dance and even a father/daughter dance and all the other special wedding things.

deputysgurl · #8 06-17-2006, 03:45 AM

i agree with the other girls. This is your first wedding, that is they etiquitte I would use.

Clarity · #9 06-17-2006, 04:42 AM

We are baptist and there are some restrictions with our marriage. However, my best friend's husband is a pastor and he is marrying us. He has known us and we are going through counsel with him. It is difficult to remarry in any church.

Since I am much more "mature" than most first time brides I am opting out of the frilly froofroo...plus I'm a down to earth plain jane type. Simple dress for me.

I plan on paying for this ourselves...mainly me...he's covering the additional 4 bedrooms to be built on to his house for the "Brady Bunch" growd. I have been independent from my parents financially for many years and do not expect money from them. I had had some members critize that my parents weren't flipping the bill but they are not responsible for me in that fashion. Plus, they are rather controlling and I would much rather have my money and not theirs...it makes it easier to say No I don't want it that way. lol

I've about settled on a simple daisy covered church wedding. I love daisies...they are so simple yet beautiful! Thanks for the imput. It's great to have a forumn like this to vent especially having everyone in the same "wedding" frame of mind.

Heather · #10 06-17-2006, 05:26 AM

Gertielou it sounds great!

I know what you mean about the controlling part. We've seen a lot of brides come on here and be very upset that their Mom or parents are demanding this and demanding that. My advice to them is to pay for the wedding themselves if they don't want input from anyone else.

I was older than the traditional bride too. Engaged at 30 and married when I was 32. My motto was simple, but elegant and I followed that through with everything - and loved it.

Definitely feel free to vent, bitch, cry or laugh about anything during your planning process (or anything else for that matter, lol). Most of us have seen it all and if you stick around, you will too!

sansmom · #11 06-19-2006, 03:08 PM

You have already received lots of advice, so I won't say anything except one thing that plan your wedding so that all the kids have some roles in the wedding. A small and elegant wedding with all your family will be liked by everyone.

feb-bride · #12 06-19-2006, 03:55 PM

I didn't catch your age, but I will say that when I got married (first wedding for both of us), we already had our kids and I still had a blusher veil. I liked the idea of my dad lifting the blusher to give me a kiss on the cheek before the ceremony started. I was 28 years old when I got married.

Since this is your first wedding, you can really do any of the the "first-timer" things that you want. Since it's your fiance's second wedding, the only thing I can think of from an "etiquette" standpoint is that anyone who gave him a gift the first time he was married is not obligated to give a gift the second time around.

You parents are not "required" to give any money towards your wedding, but that would be the case even if you didn't have kids. I don't believe that parents are ever "required/obligated" to finance their children's weddings. My dad/step-mom gave a nice sum of money for me to spend as I saw fit. I can tell you that if the money had a bunch of strings attached, I probably would have not accepted it.

Congrats on your engagement and welcome to Pash!

Clarity · #13 06-19-2006, 06:51 PM

I'm over my "ready to blow by everyones opinion" mood.

I will never please two completely different families.

Sansmom- I really wanted all 5 kids involved in a "family" unity candle ceremony. Well with 4 boys and two painfully shy boys, it looks like this won't happen. DF says we will make them but I am not starting out that way. We have a year to go so I'll work on them but I can see this not evolving. His son and my middle son just want to, as they put it, "bomb the car"! they are both 12!

Feb-bride- I'm not ashamed of my age, I'm proud I make each year

I'm 34 and will be 35 when I get hitched. I am not having a vail because 1) i'm not cooridinated enough to walk with one on my head and not fall down

2) I'm letting my hair grow long again like when we first me

and wearing it down as requested by DF and 3) I think it makes my head look like a Q-tip caught in a food processor. This is just my personal opinion about my huge head of hair.

As for the rest, thank you for you words of wisedom.

AngelRoseFyre · #14 07-06-2006, 04:54 AM

I would say that if you family (or his) "offers" to help out with the cost of teh wedding, if you feel comfortable with it, allow them to help out with what they can, but I wouldn't expect them to help you, especially if you have already established with them that you are willing (or would like to) pay the expenses yourself.

In terms of the fun bridal wedding stuff (showers, batcholorette party, etc.), I would say definatly go for it. I am planning my second wedding (if you can even count the first one), and I am planning on doing all of it, mostly because I never got a chance to have ANY of it my first wedding. But the point is that you have never had any of that either, and you have very right to have the whole wedding experiance, if that is what you really want!!!