"B" List guests - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Steven Galvez · #1 12-04-2005, 04:52 AM

This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums on 4/18/05. Feel free to add your comments by pressing Post Reply.

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posted by labeadel

Not sure how many people do this, but we are going to have a "B" list that will get invited as we get RSVP's from those invitees that won't be able to attend. I need to make sure they are getting invited as the "no" replies are coming in b/c we are inviting sooooo many out of towners that we think aren't coming, but we're not SURE. Am I making sense? Anyway, my question is, how do we go about asking certain people for their address if they are on the "B" list, when they may not get an invite after all? I know the reasonable response is to just say, "wait until you need to send it", but I'm a planner freak and would like to have it all ready. Anybody have any thoughts?

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posted by bebe0315

I know that some people consider a 'B' list rude - but we've got one too. The fact is, it's almost impossible to include everyone you would like to include unless your budget and space is unlimited. We are really lucky and only have about 10 people on our 'B' list, and since it is said that on average 20% RSVP 'no' we may actually get to invite them all! We have been getting addresses from parents and mutual friends. If there is a mutual friend that you are inviting to the wedding, you can call them to verify their own address, and say "By the way, do you happen to have an adress for so-and-so?" You can probably get a lot of addresses that way, and the few you don't get, you can call when you need to send it.

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posted by gymrat

personally think it is VERY TACKY!!

My brother did this (my parents and I did not approve) for his wedding. He know most our family and friends would more than likely not attend since his wedding was 12 hours away from people (NJ wedding and people lived in IL). Some people found out that he did this and wished they had marked that they were coming and not show up or call last minute and say they were unable to attend now.

I would say NOT to do this!!!

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posted by wynelle

The biggest problem you will find is that many of the those who can't attend won't send back the response cards until close to the response date. Then the invitations go out to the "B" list--- example, they go out on the 5th with a RSVP date of the 7th or the 10th or even the 15th....do you think they won't realize they are the "B" list? Which is more offensive to not be invited or to be "B" listed?

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posted by syringa

I'm also not a fan of B lists. Either people are important enough to be invited or they aren't, but taking the chance of offending people isn't worth ruining friendships over.

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posted by feb-bride

We did not have a "B" list. Most people who only get an invitation a few weeks before the wedding know that they're "B" list guests.

I will say that my husband still had me sending out invitations two weeks before the wedding. The guests weren't "B" list; they were merely people he didn't even think to include in the first place until he ran into them close to our wedding date. I was embarrassed sending them out, but they're his friends; they know how forgetful he can be!

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posted by krstna1972

Welp, labeadel ..... good luck with this one. I absolutely think you can have a B list and do it on the DOWN LOW ... But it's just my opinion. Just send out invites a little earlier than you may have planned to. Inevitably, you'll get back some NO's(maybe even one or two) right away. Sure you'll get the people who will say no at the last minute ... but ya never know. We only have a couple people on the B list ... but there's still a B list. And you absolutely cannot control what people THINK (what they'll think if they get the invite later than they expected)! Maybe they'll think that it got misplaced in the shuffle ... maybe they'll think "I FEEL SO LUCKY TO BE INVITED" ... you just never know. But just my opinion ... I say go for it. You're not doing a B list bc you're out to hurt anyone. It's just a fact of life ... we have higher priority friends and family members ... people who we're closer to ... just the way life is! FOR EVERYONE. Good luck!

fallbride

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posted by labeadel

Thanks bebe & krstna! Like lots of other people, we have people we would love to invite, but due to money restrictions, we just can't until we know others can't come. I'm hoping to do what you suggested Krstna and get a few "no" responses back right away. We think we'll be able to invite everyone but just want to make sure we don't overbook ourselves.

I find it interesting that so many people find it tacky. I didn't really realize it was a bad thing in some people's eyes. I wouldn't have ever thought twice if I'd received an invite with only a couple weeks to go. Prior to planning my own wedding and learning about the "B" list at all I would've just thought it took the invite awhile to arrive. I guess I just wouldn't have thought that hard about it and would've been thrilled to be invited. thanks for all of your thoughts on the subject!

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posted by krstna1972

Labadel ... welp, some may say it's tacky ... but IT's REAL ... wat cha gonna do?!!! Sometimes things in life aren't elequent ... and if we all keep it on the DOWN LOW ... no one will know the diff! At some point in the weddign planning, I think we need to "go with it" ... and not worry about TACKY. Anyway -- you're not the first & you SO won't be the last to have a B list. Honey, "in life ... there ARE 'B' lists ... even for my informal parties at my home ... there are B lists!" .... hey -- when I got hired for my teaching position ... I was the "B" choice ... and happy to be so! I was hired bc the A choice said no!!!! And believe me, I was thrilled that s/he did so!
Good luck!

fallbride

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posted by feb-bride

My RSVP deadline was three weeks before the wedding. If I'd sent out invitations two weeks before, those guests would have KNOWN that they were "B" listers. I think that's rude, as if you're only inviting them to fill up seats and bring presents.

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posted by HeatherR

I'm with Feb. We didn't have a B list. If we invited people and they couldn't come, so be it.

Heather

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posted by roseprincess

I'm w/ feb, Heather and gym... the only reason I had an "A" & "B" list was to help me prepare the final guest list. It wouldn't have occurred to me to invite additional people as others RSVP'd they weren't coming.

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posted by krstna1972

Welp, good luck labeadel .... differing positions on this issue! I'm sure it'll be fine ... whatever you decide. Hopefully, my "b-listers" will come to my wedding!

fallbride

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posted by NovemberGal

I think maybe it depends on how tight you have to make your guest list. If you're doing a really small reception, like 50 people, you are almost certainly going to have good friends who don't make the first cut. As long as you leave plenty of time, I think it would be okay to invite people to fill in for "no" responses for such a small group. But if you're having a larger reception (I'd arbitrarily say 120-150 or more), you should just try to invite everyone who is important to you to begin with, and not worry about building in a B-list with enough time between RSVP-due-date and wedding to fill in for "no" responses.

My FH and I originally wanted a smaller reception, and we'd made a "must have" list, a "would love" list, and a "would like list." We hadn't gotten far enough into it to finalize it when our plans changed (moms would have been really upset without x, y, and z relatives, so we opened it up--OMG, it's 185 invitees now!), but we probably would have had a B-list. But we'd only have started on it for those no response we got far enough in advance that it wasn't obvious the people were fill ins.

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posted by munchkin

My FH and I were discussing this over dinner a couple nights ago. We decided that if people reply that they cannot attend then whatever, we won't have to pay for as many people. Which I'm sure sounds kind of funny, but that was his exact terminology actually.

labeadel · #2 12-05-2005, 07:43 PM

I started this thread what seems like ages ago! I was going to have a "B" list, but then the way everything worked out, just had one list and that was it. So, I can't vote, b/c I was going to do it one way and then things changed and never ended up having one. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing as long as it's time properly. You don't want your "B" list guests getting their invites 1-2 weeks before the event.

TheaterDiva1 · #3 12-05-2005, 10:22 PM

We didn't have a B list either. We already didn't have a huge guest list, so budgeting (and finding space) for our 60-75 people wasn't difficult. Basically, we know right off who we did/didn't want to invite, and that was that.

555Ann555 · #4 12-06-2005, 02:57 AM

I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have voted... I did though & I voted yes, but we do things differently over here...

Our receptions is split into two parts, the first guests (A list!) are invited to the wedding ceremony followed by the meal and then the evening reception with entertainment and a buffet. The other guests (B list!) are only invited to the evening reception part. Most people know which category they are going to fall into so in general it isn't a problem, but one girl I've known for years was hinting recently for an invitation to the whole day! I let her down gently and told her the first list is just for family... (which isn't strickly true).

ETA: We do actually have a 'b' list for the evening, but we both have family overseas that may not be able to come. Their invites will go out before the UK ones and they will have an earlier RSVP date so their replies *should* be back in time for the 'b' list invitations to go out at the same time as the 'a' list ones! We also have a venue with a limit of 100, we're only inviting 40ish for the full day though, just family and very close friends.

munchkin · #5 12-06-2005, 05:30 AM

Our B list will be for guests of those already invited, provided we have enough room. We don't want to invite everyone with a guest, so if people rsvp no, we can invite guests for some people.

Complicated Woman · #6 12-06-2005, 01:56 PM

Munchkin and Ann, I think that makes a lot of sense. Tom and I have no B list because it's just family, the bridal party, and a couple of very close friends. Sadly, our families are huge and close knit (my family is absolutely the stereotypical huge Italian family that's always eating and talking over each other, there are about 65 of us all) so we're up over 100 even when we keep it tight.

We're planning it on a Friday afternoon and we're hoping (this is terrible) that some people decide not to come because of that. I wish we could be even more selective, but we can't invite some of our families and not others because word will spread like wildfire and people will be hurt.

Ugh, I really can ramble on.

CupieJen · #7 12-06-2005, 04:08 PM

In planning we had a B list but had no intentions on inviting the B list if A listers were unable to come. It was more like "It would be NICE if we could invite these people, but since we're already planning a small wedding, do we really have to invite them" sort of thing. I voted no becuase we didn't actually follow through with any of it, it was just wishful thinking. If that makes sense AT ALL!

555Ann555 · #8 12-12-2005, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

Munchkin and Ann, I think that makes a lot of sense. Tom and I have no B list because it's just family, the bridal party, and a couple of very close friends. Sadly, our families are huge and close knit (my family is absolutely the stereotypical huge Italian family that's always eating and talking over each other, there are about 65 of us all) so we're up over 100 even when we keep it tight.

We're planning it on a Friday afternoon and we're hoping (this is terrible) that some people decide not to come because of that. I wish we could be even more selective, but we can't invite some of our families and not others because word will spread like wildfire and people will be hurt.

Ugh, I really can ramble on.

I know it sounds awful but that's part of why we're having a friday wedding too! Most people will be working and only close friends or family would take the day off to come to our wedding so we don't feel too bad about not inviting everyone else!

555Ann555 · #9 12-12-2005, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by munchkin

Our B list will be for guests of those already invited, provided we have enough room. We don't want to invite everyone with a guest, so if people rsvp no, we can invite guests for some people.

I can't picture how you'd do that? Would you hold back their full invite until you'd received some 'nos' or would you send it out as a single invite & then if there's space for a guest send them a note saying you'd made a mistake?

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #10 12-12-2005, 02:53 PM

My first wedding happened to be in the middle of the biggest blizzard in 50 years! (January 1996) I should also mention it was "shotgun" and a major rush and lack of savings so the guest list was severely limited. About 20 people couldn't make it because of the snow--that was 25% of the guest list! So, the night before, my mom called up some friends of hers and her cousins and my ex-husband called up some of his friends who ended up coming. They didn't mind the "last minute" invite because they understood why it was only limited to "close" family at first. We still had a lot of empty seats--that we paid for--though. Under NORMAL circumstances, I wouldn't have had a B-list.

Heather · #11 12-12-2005, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

My first wedding happened to be in the middle of the biggest blizzard in 50 years! (January 1996)

I remember that! That was my first year living here in Albany. I don't believe we got it as bad as you, but the city was shut down for two days. The fun part was that I lived in a place without off-street parking & lived with a jerk who wouldn't move my car or help me shovel it.!

munchkin · #12 12-12-2005, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 555Ann555

I can't picture how you'd do that? Would you hold back their full invite until you'd received some 'nos' or would you send it out as a single invite & then if there's space for a guest send them a note saying you'd made a mistake?

Send out a single invite, and then later on let them know that due to family saying no, they were welcome to bring a guest via a conversation, no note. This applies to DJ's friends as my friends are all single and likely to be for the time being, except for those who have long term partners that are already good friends with me. DJ's friends are all local so word of mouth is the best way to do anything with them.

sparklesweetie · #13 12-13-2005, 04:11 AM

I am having a "B" list, but....the way our day is planned we have to. We can only have 60 for the ceremony (so they're A's) and then we can have as many as we want to the reception (so they're B's). As far as inviting someone off the B list to the ceremony if someone replies no....I doubt I'd do that. The ceremony is all family with the exception of one friend of mine that lives out of state. So....I don't think anyone will be offended. Or even if they are, they can kiss my patootee. You'll never make everyone happy.

PlanetClaire · #14 12-13-2005, 06:23 AM

I've never heard of this before! But I guess since mine is going to be very small it never even crossed my mind.

Oh man, would I hate to be on the B list! How do you handle that if someone finds out? Yikes.