Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages

[DragonYoga]

This book was recommended to me by my Dad who had heard of the book. I went to the bookstore and bought it. It's GREAT! I defintely recommend this book for anyone. It's by Dr. Robin L. Smith, and she is a professional marriage counselor. She explores the "lies" that people believe when they get married, and how those lies destroy/undermine the relationship. Best of all, she blames no one. She's very proactive and has wonderful teaching skills. If you girls want, I'll post her top ten lies and top ten truths on this thread. BTW, this book is on Oprah's book list, as well. I think what I like the most about this book is, as I've said before, she blames no one. She doesn't bash either gender or place fault on one or the other. She places the fault directly on the "lie" that is being used in whatever is destroying the relationship. OK i'll shut up now! Like I said, I'll post the top 10 if anyone wants them.

[PlanetClaire]

Yep, she's the new "Dr. Phil" in the sense that she is the regular therapist on Oprah right now.

They even did a show not too long ago with Dr. Robin and Lance Armstrong's ex- there's a thread on here in the tv section!! It was really good!

[DragonYoga]

I don't watch tv, much less Oprah so I have no clue lol! The book... totally good!

[PlanetClaire]

Please do post those Top 10s!! I'm too cheap to buy the book but I'd love to hear what she says!!

[DragonYoga]

LOL!!! Well, here's the top 10 for each...! It's amazingly common sense. (You're lucky Claire, I was about to hit the sack for work tonight! lol)

LIE - Marriage is an automatic ticket to self-esteem.
TRUTH - You have to be whole before you can be joined.

LIE - You have to go along to get along.
TRUTH - In a great marriage, you can ask for what you need without
fear of reprisals.

LIE - If the package is beautifully wrapped, its contents will be fabulous.
TRUTH - The packaging doesn't tell you anything about what's inside.

LIE - The past is over.
TRUTH - The past is driving you to the chapel.

LIE - Anything is better than being alone.
TRUTH - Being alone and free is better than being together and controlled.

LIE - It's important to be right.
TRUTH - It's more important to relate.

LIE - You can learn to live with compromises that trouble your soul and make you suffer.
TRUTH - Suffering is not love.

LIE - "It's you and me against the world."
TRUTH - You can't have a great marriage if you live in a bunker.

LIE - If you believe in the same God, you'll share the same values.
TRUTH - Values are what you live, not what you believe.

LIE - Marriage magically changes people for the better.
TRUTH - The person at the altar will be the person at the breakfast table.

[cwpri]

I have to agree with those. I've been through a marriage once before. I've heard all of those and once my ex and I got a divorce the truth came out.

Take the life that was given to you and make it better for yourself. Those who claim they love you, can only love you if they see who you truly are. Don't compromise on anything anyone says compromise with what your heart tells you.

[Lizbet]

Thanks for posting those.

[ljeagle]

I've got this book a friend bought it for me its a really good book!

[PlanetClaire]

Thanks DY for posting those! Hope you slept well!!

Sounds very sensible!

[whiddle]

Thanks for posting. It sounds like a good book!

[DragonYoga]

You're welcome, girls, and yes it is a good book! I started reading it yesterday and already am a little more than halfway through it. Probably will be finished tomorrow!

and yes Claire, I had a good sleep!

[Heather]

I saw the Oprah show where Dr. Robyn talked about this. I was never a huge fan of hers until that show, where she shared her own story.

This one bugs me though:

LIE - "It's you and me against the world."
TRUTH - You can't have a great marriage if you live in a bunker.

I don't necessarily think that "lie" goes with that "truth". I know for me, I love the feeling of "It's Mike and I against the world." That is of course, not to the detriment of our relationship with friends and family. I think a husband and wife need to feel like they are true partners in whatever they face.

I don't think anyone would disagree with what I said, which is why I don't think that Lie/Truth statement makes much sense. You can be partners without isolating yourself.

Am I making sense? lol... I've had a rough day and just had to take some meds.

[DragonYoga]

Heather, she explains that lie/truth a little more. She doesn't like the phrasing of the "you and me against the world" because she views that phrase as warlike.

She has an entire chapter devoted to the idea that marriage is actually more of a community thing. When two people marry, they are bringing their own "communities" together - the families, friends, coworkers, etc. and that impacts the couple's dynamic in obvious/not so obvious ways.

Here's an excerpt, word for word (pages 18 and 19) for the lie/truth you mentioned, Heather:

I was in a department store one day when I ran into an old friend of my mother's whom I hadn't seen in years. Mary looked wonderful. She stood straighter, somehow, and her eyes were shining. She weas wearing a fashionable red suit. Mary greeted me with a big smile and a hug, then told me, to my shock, that her husband, George, had died three months earlier.
"Oh, Mary," I said, "I'm so sorry. I hadn't heard."
"It's all right, Robin," she said. "I'm not grieving. In fact, I'm back in school getting my master's degree in women's history. I plan to teach. I'm doing fine. In fact, I'm doing more than fine."
She hesistated before saying boldy, "I'm liberated. For fifty-five years, I was George's servant, his slave. I gave him my whole life. And now whatever years I have left are going to be about me. I feel no grief. I am relieved. I'm glad I had a little time left on the planet to focus on myself."
I appreciated Mary's brutal honesty, but her words made me sad. To think that such a vibrant woman had surrendered decades of her precious life this way, and I'd never noticed it. She'd been good at keeping her secret. she'd been locked in her bunker with a cruel taskmaster, and even her closest friends hadn't known.
If your partner demands that you cut your ties, if your world becomes smaller because you are in love, if shame and fear drive you inside, you cannot have a great marriage. That isolation keeps you well defended. In secret, in the darkness, you don't have to show your pain. Once you speak of it and bring it into the light, you are required to face it.

See what she means a little more, H? BTW, IMO it's great you two are presenting an united front to the world at large

[Heather]

Thanks for typing that out, that was sweet of you.

...And it makes more sense, but that's what I meant when I said - not to the determint of our friends and family. What I mean when I say "It's Mike and Heather against the world" is when we filed suit against our landlord, when we bought a new home together... things that we do or face that really pulls us together as a couple, as a team.

[maroki13]

things that we do or face that really pulls us together as a couple, as a team.

I get what you mean Heather. FH and I call ourselves a team all the time, and I don't believe it is in any way detrimental to our relationships with our friends or family. We are still able to spend our time out in the world with friends and family while maintaining our 'team'. I'm having trouble explaining it.

[555Ann555]

I think it is covered by the term "partners"

[feb-bride]

I look at "you and me against the world" as cutting everyone else out. Maybe I just read into this phrase differently.

[PlanetClaire]

Originally Posted by feb-bride

I look at "you and me against the world" as cutting everyone else out. Maybe I just read into this phrase differently.

That was my interpretation of that too. My parents did that and I swore that I would never do that- it was just the two of them, they had no friends, etc...and I always thought it was a little scary!

[Heather]

Yeah, I'm definitely looking at it differently. I always think of Mike and I as partners, so I'm referring more to things you go through as a couple that really make you feel like a team. I'm having a hard time describing it too. It's kind of like when you go through something above and beyond your "normal" relationship, like the lawsuit I mentioned. When you have to band together to get to what you want or need, it's like an extra umpf in solidifying your relationship.

[555Ann555]

Or if you go through serious illness or grief...

[Kim&Bob2004]

Originally Posted by Heather

I saw the Oprah show where Dr. Robyn talked about this. I was never a huge fan of hers until that show, where she shared her own story.

This one bugs me though:



I don't necessarily think that "lie" goes with that "truth". I know for me, I love the feeling of "It's Mike and I against the world." That is of course, not to the detriment of our relationship with friends and family. I think a husband and wife need to feel like they are true partners in whatever they face.

I don't think anyone would disagree with what I said, which is why I don't think that Lie/Truth statement makes much sense. You can be partners without isolating yourself.
Am I making sense? lol... I've had a rough day and just had to take some meds.

I agree with you Heather.

Also another thing I am hearing people say is that you marry the person not the family. Guess what, your family is sleeping at the foot of your marriage bed.

[Robyn Lynn]

Now that is the part I don't like about marriage!!! LOL

Actually, it's not so bad, my Future in-laws just annoy me sometimes. thank God for the army and no bases in Florida!!!!(well, there is Macdill which is technically Air Force, but they have all branches there)

[DragonYoga]

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

I agree with you Heather.

Also another thing I am hearing people say is that you marry the person not the family. [b]Guess what, your family is sleeping at the foot of your marriage bed.

Now THAT part is a little too...graphic...for my taste!

Heather, I understand how you mean now. As *partners* I can see that; working *together* for the betterment of your relationship and your living situation, etc.

But the other definition, which Feb pointed out [I look at "you and me against the world" as cutting everyone else out. Maybe I just read into this phrase differently.] I do see it that way.

Of course, I'm the child of divorce and for that reason, really put up walls around me so I never really went beyond "like" with someone. I am by nature (or by circumstances) really cynical of relationships - I tend to eliminate the emotional aspects and LOOK at what's there. That may be an asset in my own relationship with Marv. BTW, Marv is honestly the first person that I've fallen in love with. How he knocked the walls down is beyond me. I trust him, and I never trusted anyone else the way I do him. With him, I can see being life partners, and I want to be there for him for whatever he and I will go through.

Sorry if I'm HJ my own thread! lol.

[peachie]

Originally Posted by DragonYoga

LIE - If you believe in the same God, you'll share the same values.
TRUTH - Values are what you live, not what you believe.

I really like this one - I think that stuff like religion and spirituality is important - but more for what it means for how you treat people/live in the world than whether or not you go to church or not. It's definitely something that doesn't have to be a deal breaker - having different opinions and/or backgrounds on stuff like religion (or politics, which is my personal difference with my boyfriend).

[weddingadvisor]

Those are fabulous!

Peachie, one thing my FFIL always said was (and I love this) is that it's never polite to discuss religion or politics. Those are never discussed.

Politics are not my life. I don't care who he votes for. It just doesn't matter when you look at the bigger picture.