Very concerned about future relationship w/FDIL and son

[tryingtobegoodfmil]

This is going to be a long post, so forgive me. I am also trying not to be a monstrous FMIL, but I strongly believe that I have some valid concerns. My son has been dating my FDIL for 4 years and they just got engaged last August. The wedding is in October. The first year, my son spent holidays with with me and FDIL was w/her family. But for the 2 years after that, they spent all holidays including this Thanksgiving with her family. My son is my only child and I became frustrated by this. I was especially concerned because from the little I knew of her family, they are EXTREMELY close knit and in-laws tend to be swallowed up and spend all holidays with FDIL's family and not with their own. I don't want that to happen w/my son, so I asked my son calmly if there was anything my husband and I had done to make him and his fiancee rule out holidays with us. He said no, that FDIL just preferred spending holidays with her family. I told him that my husband and I felt left out and hurt. He then said that he would talk to FDIL. They spent Xmas here and it didn't go well. Even though I made a room up specially for her, FDIL stayed in a motel. Then when she was here, she was miserable. It was very clear that the only reason she came was because of my son, which is fine, but she made no attempt to extend herself or join in the festivities. She was not rude, she was very polite, but you could tell that she would rather have been w/her family. My whole family came to visit this year and as my son is the only male nephew/grandchild/cousin in a family of women, everyone was excited to meet her. FDIL wasn't so excited. To each personal question she was asked-and they were not intrusive questions-she politely answered, but her tone of voice was like, "None of your business, thank you very much". She seemed offended by being asked questions at all and it was clear that she could have cared less about the family's opinion of her and she felt she had nothing to prove. She also did not ask anyone a question in return and showed no interest in our family. I know my familly can be a bit much, but they were genuinely curious and wanted to see what FDIL was all about and I think FDIL took it the wrong way and many of my family, who are very old school traditional Southern manners, were offended. I sat down at one point with FDIL at one point and told her that since my son was an only child, there were so many traditions in our family that I would like to pass onto her, since I understood that women, not men, keep family traditions and memories alive. FDIL was polite, but said she would planning on employing her family traditions and doing things the way her mother and grandmother had always done them. During the talk I also told her that I would was concerned that after they were married, I would not see enough of her and my son, especially at holiday time. FDIL looked at me like I was nuts. She clearly had no idea what the fuss was about. After Xmas, I talked to my son and he said that yes, FDIL was uncomfortable during the visit, she felt cornered and didn't like being asked "so many" questions by "strangers". She also felt I was going to dictate how they spent their free time. That is not the case and I said that, but I don't know if FDIL believes it. I live in California, my son and FDIL live in Atlanta and FDIL's family is in Rhode Island, so everything is spread out. I am kvetching about this now, because FDIL is planning the wedding and I am shut out and it seems that I will continue to be if I don't find a way to connect, so that is why I am here, ladies. Please help.

[Robyn Lynn]

That sounds really tough. I know that I would rather spend holidays with my family than in-laws, but I try to do both(or alternate) and I enjoy myself at both. It sounds as if your FDIL was upset at not being with her family, possibly for the first time(this happened to me this year as I went to Kansas to be with my FH who is stationed there and we had no family around) and probably just put walls up around herself and took everything the wrong way. You could try suggesting they alternate where they celebrate holidays and just have a standing invitation to come to your home. Maybe one year you could go to her family's festivities or maybe they can host something at their own home after they are married.

Regarding traditions..... how did you present this idea to your FDIL? Did you insist that she carry them on or did you ask? I know, personally, I don't like being told what I SHOULD do. I have already been told that when I have a baby that on its first birthday it will have spaghetti for dinner (a tradition) and it sounds cool, but I don't like being told that this is what is going to happen rather than asking me to incorporate this tradition.

I think the best thing to do for now is keep the lines of communication open.

[Heather]

Hi, and welcome to Pash. Next, you get a big from me. I can say without doubt that if my MIL came to me and wanted to pass down traditions, I would be incredibly honored.

I wish I had some advice for you, but it sounds like you're doing all you can. My husband and I live in one city and his family is 4 hours South, mine is 4 hours North. The way we work it is we usually have Easter and Thanksgiving here at our home and our families are invited here. For Xmas, my husband's family celebrates Xmas Eve, and my family celebrates Xmas morning. We tried doing both one year, but it was so awful for us with all of the driving that we didn't enjoy anything. So now we go our separate ways and meet back at our own home the day after Xmas. He and I are both very okay with doing that not just for Xmas, but for whatever holiday or event for which it works for us.

I get along with and love my in-laws a ton, but I always prefer to stay at a hotel rather than their home. I'm someone who really needs her privacy and comfort, but then again, I have a terrible back (2 surgeries in the last 7 months) so for me, I like to have my own space. I wouldn't hold this part against her.

I can also imagine her being a little overwhelmed with all of the new relatives, but it sounds like she's just not interested in making any other impression but a bad one. That's just awful. It was (and still is) very important to me that I know and get along with my husband's family. I don't know how to change this... If your son knows how you feel and he's expressed that to her, then I hate to say it, but it may be out of your hands. It's going to be up to your son (and your son alone) to work out with her how holidays are spent.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Please come back and let us know how everything works out.

[wembley]

One suggestion would be to hold holidays on an off day. My parents worked out a deal long ago that my dad's side of the family feels strongly about getting together on the actual day. They pretty much only see each other at holidays and so everyone is expected to show up. My mom's side of the family is very close and decided that it was more important to spend time together than meet on the actual holiday. We always do our gatherings a week or two off. Sometimes it's even up to a month off depending on what else is going on. We have a great time together though and that's what counts.

Maybe you could try having some family time other than on a major holiday so that way she doesn't have to miss out on her family time and you can see your son.

[wynelle]

You have my complete sympathies and understanding. DH has two daughters. Since his divorce in 1975, his daughters have spent Christmas with him. Ex-wife went skiing.

In 1998, younger daughter (who lives in our town) met a new boyfriend, started dating. Since then *every* holiday, including birthdays, has been spent with his parents (even before they were married). The only time they aren't with his parents (who live about an hour away) is if his parents are visiting the other children- who were smart enough to move 5-6 hours away in different directions.

We have asked if we could rotate holidays- like Christmas with us one year, with in-laws one year, at DD's house the third year---nope, Mother P insists on them being there. DD even admitted they went just to keep her from twisting her nose out of joint.

Second DD now has a MIL the exact same way, except she expects to spend the holiday with them at their house.

Since your DS lives in Atlanta, which is almost equidistant from both sets of in-laws, perhaps you could work out a rotation. Christmas is the only holiday worth travelling that far for (and taking enough time off for)- so perhaps one year they come to see you, the next year they stay home and you and her parents come to them, the third year, they go to inlaws. That way, both sets of inlaws gets to see the kids two years out of three. But you need to come to an agreement with DS and FDIL, one that is mutually agreeable.

When it is *your* turn to host, you can have all the traditional family stuff--perhaps make up a scrapbook for the bride with pictures and descriptions of the traditions as one of her wedding shower gifts.

Then also plan a week-long vacation in the summer to go see them.

[ljeagle]

I totally understand where your fdil is coming from. I have always spend every Holiday with my family. I have a large family and it wouldn't be a Holiday with out them. The same thing goes for dh. He has a small family and they are all close and love doing things on the Holiday's. So Holiday's are always a mess with us. This past Christmas we spent the eve with my grandparents and family but for Christmas he spent it with his mother and I spent it with my family. I could tell u if my dh would tell me I had to spend Christmas with his family I would be so upset and it would show.

What kind of tradition did you ask her to pass on?

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this. Maybe for the main Holiday's you could pick a day around the time to celebrate it with them so not only will she miss being with her family but he wont miss out on his.

[SuzyBride]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this. Luckily all my family, in laws included, get along relatively well and we always try to spend our time pretty evenly when it comes to holidays. Our family holidays are always staggered. We do Christmas with Josh's (DH) dads side of the family usually on the 23rd, Joshs moms side of the family on the 24th day, 24th evening is with my parents, 25th morning is at his house with immediate family, 25th day is with my moms parents, and 26th or 27th is with my dads parents... yeah so it takes a major effort for us, but it is worth it to get to spend time with everyone. Now, when we have kids things will change and we will start our own traditions and will probably start hosting things at our home. My point is that it takes someone making an effort. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if your FDIL isn't willing to make that effort there really isn't much you can do about it. As a DIL I can tell you it is hard. Josh and I are from the same hometown and it is still hard. You have to comprimise the traditions that you grew up with and love to do something else that makes you a bit uncomfortable in the beginning. I can't imagine how hard it probably was for you FDIL to travel so far away from where she wanted to be. I know it may not seem like she made that much of an effort, but just the trip was alot for her probably. I think the best suggestion I could make is what has already been mentioned, try having your family gathering a few weeks off. I know it might sound crazy, but a Christmas in July might actually be a good option. We did that one year with my dads parents and it was a ton of fun. I think that it is great that you were able to express your concerns with your FDIL and I think that open and honest communication will be beneficial to your relationship with her. I hope she reciprocates that. I hope you can work things out! Let us know. Good luck!

[tryingtobegoodfmil]

Things are doubly hard because of FDIL's family history. You see, her whole family is based in Rhode Island. Her mother and dad's side live a few towns apart, so the idea of splitting holidays and traveling for them is foreign to her. Also, she is not close to her dad's side at all. Everything was centered around her mother's family-things in her family are matriarchal-the mother's side takes priority, so you see why I am worried. Re traditions, I told her that there are some family recipes I would love to share, some ornaments I would like her to have, the fact that we always bake Xmas cookies on Xmas eve and sing carols. I just informed her of them and told them how much they meant to us.

[wynelle]

Okay- first thing- prior to the girlfriend, how often did he fly out to California for Christmas?

Next- all I can still suggest is that you speak with your son and tell him how much you miss seeing him; and ask him if you can work out some reasonable accomodation. Based on what you have said, DFIL's mother has the same style as daughter---ignore husband's family, only our family is important. Perhaps you could politely point this out to your son, and say that you don't want to be in the same situation as DFIL's father's family.

Regarding the wedding: are you and DH sponsoring the rehersal dinner? Will you be flying to RI at any point prior to the wedding to meet the family, etc? Perhaps then, you could politely talk to DFIL's mother and say how happy it will make you to be sharing her daughter, and hope that the three family units can work out a visitation schedule...

Birthday presents can be tickets home for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

It's truly a b*tch to change everything you have done for years because a new in-law positively refuses to change anything, but unfortunately it happens.

[whiddle]

I am so sorry. Holidays are always a tough issue for newlyweds. Last Christmas was my and DH's first Christmas as a married couple. DH is also an only child. Although, I know this won't work for you, we had MIL come to my families Christmas as her family is not close with her.

Maybe if both families agree, your and FDIL's family could go to Atlanta for Christmas. OR, they could spend Christmas at her families and New Years at yours, and alternate each year. Of course, this may cause some financial strain.

As far as the traditions, I don't see why she didn't just take the recipes. It doesn't seem like a ridiculous request to me.

It is hard to not see your Mom on Christmas. I believe the Mother-Daughter relationship is ALOT different then the Mother-Son and women bond in a different way. I know, I would be devastated if I didn't spend Christmas with my Mom.

It seems like your FDIL is just not interested in getting to know/becoming involved in your family (from what you posted). I hope your Son can let her know that his family is important as well.

Best of Luck!

[tryingtobegoodfmil]

Don't know about rehearsal dinner since the wedding will be traditional-her family will host and pay and FDIL and her mom will plan it. It is very painful that FDIL is not interested in becoming an active member of my family, especially as I can see she is very active in her family. Because of that, it seems she doesn't have any energy left to give us. Not sure about meeting the family before the wedding.

Yes, prior to FDIL, my son spent all holidays with us and sometimes his girlfriends came with.

[Robyn Lynn]

Regarding the traditions again..... I would be honored of my FMIL wanted to give me ornaments and recipes!!! Those are useful.

Does she cook? If she doesn't then she may be adverse to the recipes and baking cookies. But I don't see why she couldn't combine the traditions of both families. That's what I'll probably do (although FMIL hasn't mentioned anything holiday specific other than the 1st birthday).

Let your son and FDIL know that it is important that you get together at least once a year if it is feasible. Something else I hope your FDIL realizes is that he is an only child (so am I!!) and you will want to have him around for some holidays!!

[tryingtobegoodfmil]

FDIL doesn't cook and I have a strong feeling that her family comes first for her. She said as much at Xmas. She said that her family and friends come 1st. I wouldn't have an issue with that if I thought she considered us family, but she clearly does not. One thing I found odd was that she never talked about her family. She doesn't like to share any type of personal information about herself or her family. She seems to consider personal questions rude. She will answer exactly what you ask, but doesn't offer details.

[Robyn Lynn]

Hmmmmm. Well, since family is so important to her, hopefully she will come to realize that you are important to your son and he is important to you, especially as he is an only child!!!

Also, I noticed in your first post you said you didn't want to be a monstrous MIL --- you are not!!!!

[tryingtobegoodfmil]

It's nice to hear that I am not a monster-in-law, but I am sure FDIL thinks I am one. I don't know how to change it and I don't know how to make her see how important it is to me that I not be shut out of my son's life. It has all fallen on deaf ears.

[whiddle]

Has your son voiced any concerns?

I mean when you talk to him, he may be presenting it to her with a my mom's freaking out because of x,y,z. Is that possible?? Has he said that it bothers him?

[maroki13]

I believe all the ladies have given you some great advice. Your FDIL may not be willing to compromise much (if at all), but perhaps you could lay a lot of options before her and/or your son, and ask which they would prefer as far as spending holidays with family. The options could be

(a) They alternate Christmases; one year at your house, one year at her parents.
(b) One year is at your house, one year is at their house (both sets of parents will attend) and one year at her parents house.
(c) They spend holidays with both sets of families: her family on the actual holiday, and your family several days before/after the holiday itself.
(d) There are many other ways to compromise, if FDIL was willing.

Would you be willing to spend Christmas/other holidays with her family? I know it isn't the ideal situation, but maybe if she understands how serious you are about spending some holidays with them, she will be more willing to compromise. I'm sure she wouldn't want you spending every holiday with her and her family. (Not saying anything about you, simply that it seems she wouldn't want to 'share' her family.)

I understand her need to spend a lot of time with her family; my parents/family all live at least 1,000 miles away, and I see my family maybe twice a year. I've never spent Christmas with FH's family yet, but this will be our first christmas as a married couple and we'll spend it with his family. However, I also understand how important it is for FH to spend holidays with his family; we'll compromise on holidays. Maybe your son needs to stress to his FW how very important it is to him to spend some holidays with his family; as important to him as spending time with her family is to her. Is your son willing to tell her this and push for them to spend holidays equally with both families??

I wish you the best of luck with this situation. It sounds like you are being perfectly reasonable and willing to compromise; I hope FDIL realizes what a gem you are and decides to compromise as well.

ETA: About the traditions; my FMIL has 3 sons and no daughters, and FH is the first son to get married. She hasn't offered to share any traditions so far, but I would definitely like it if she did. I wouldn't like feeling they were pushed on me, but if she simply was telling me about them and let me adopt the ones I wanted, I would feel very honored.

[DragonYoga]

Hello and welcome to Pash!

I agree with the other ladies on here; I really have nothing to add except I hope she comes around and to give you a .

[Marge129]

First, HI! Welcome to Pash. Sorry I'm chiming in late here.

Second... you're not my MIL are you?! Since DH and I have been together we've spent EVERY holiday with my family. But, our reasoning for this is that his entire family is within 30 minutes of us, while my closest family is 3 hours away. It just makes sense to me to go visit my family on the holidays. But, this past Christmas was the first one DH had spent away from his family... and he was visibly upset by it.

As for your situation, I like the idea that they alternate holidays.... or maybe they can host one big holiday at their house for everyone to come to. We're going to start hosting all holidays at our house and inviting both sets of parents.

Good luck!

[tryingtobegoodfmil]

I think someone mentioned presenting FDIL w/a list of holiday options. I don't feel like I can do that because there is so much strain there and I don't want to seem like a dictator to her. I just feel that FDIL has made herself unapproachable where I am concerned.

[feb-bride]

I am sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem like there's much that you can do at this point without straining the relationship you have with your son.

It is up to him to change things if he wishes to have more time with his side of the family.

[Complicated Woman]

I know I am late in posting here. Welcome to Pash!

I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through. Are you able to spend other time with your son and FDIL besides holidays? Maybe family birthdays or occasional weekends? I hope that you are. I know my FMIL would be heartbroken if my FH didn't spend any time with her, he is an only child also.

As long as you do get to see him and the situation isn't that FDIL is controlling him, then I agree with Feb in that your son will have to decide that the issue is important enough to take up with his FW. I hope everything turns out for the best for you!

[tmo]

Welcome to Pash!

I agree that spliting holidays are hard. We all take comfort in our own traditions and we want to pass it down. it's a little sad that it seems like she's shutting out your side of the family's traditions.

I see that you are trying to reach out. Maybe in some off holiday gathering you could talk to her in a friendly conversation perhaps with your son as a "witness": "We didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Is there something we can do to make you feel welcome?" It may seem like you're bending backwards, well, you are. if she rebuffs your offer, you have your answer. As hard it's going to be, you'll probably have to let it go and let them sort it out for themselves. You've voiced your concerns and it's up to them. All you could probably do is keep sending them invites for gatherings. Your son might realize, "Hey, you know, we haven't seen my family."

Your FDIL probably also felt like you were pushing things on her. I understand that you were trying to work with her directly, but that probably the feeling she got.

As a side note: I think it's ironic that she felt like she was being interrogated by "strangers" who she about to become part of that family. I do have to say, it is overwhelming to meet the *whole* family at once. Then again, if only she'd converse a little more then they wouldn't be Am I right?

I don't know if this makes any sense now. I keep changing the contents. I apologize it it doesn't. Anyway, I hope things work out.

[tryingtobegoodfmil]

I broached the whole holiday thing with my son again, just because I had time to read more responses. My son said he didn't realize that we felt left out, but that it was really hard for his fiancee to be away from her family and she didn't feel comfortable with our family because it is too different from hers.

[maroki13]

My son said he didn't realize that we felt left out, but that it was really hard for his fiancee to be away from her family and she didn't feel comfortable with our family because it is too different from hers.

So....is your son willing to accept this for as long as they are married? Does he realize thatthis means that they won't be visiting you for holidays and such?

I'm trying to put myself in her position, and how I would feel if FH forced me to spend holidays with his family. However, I just can't picture being completely uncompromising and unwilling to spend some holidays with my FH's family.