My Future Son-In-Law Dilemna

[Mrs. T.]

Now this is truly a need for help on etiquette.

We are a christian traditional family. My daughter is marrying a christian he says...but he stilled has not revealed what religion he is...(besides the point). Anyways, he says he wants to have his sister as his groomsman. I told my daughter that this was not proper etiquette, and unacceptable in our church. There are reasons why men are on one side, and women on the other.

My solution was to keep his sister in the wedding party and have her on the bridesmaid side. Then my son could replace her on the men's side and everyone will be included. My son-in-law said absolutely not. He said that he was a bridesmaid for his sister's wedding. Well, that just about blew me over, and I wondered what kinda odd family is my daughter marrying in to????

I talked to my mother about the situation, since she is the oldest member in our family and she said he was being disrespectful to tradition, and to the church.

[The sister is not gay....which I thought may be why he thought to do this, or that she may be a hermafridite(?)] I am not prejudice against people like this, I am trying to understand his way of thinking.

I keep thinking this is the stupidest thing to even be disagreeing on, and if this is how indifferent he is and this is what he finds cause to argue about, what will it be like when my daughter is married to him?

Anyways, does anyone out there have a way, that I can explain it to this young man, that out of respect for the church and our family we need to come up with another solution.

Thanks, Mrs. T.

[Marge129]

I hate to break it to you, but it's perfectly normal for a woman to stand on the grooms side or vice versa. I don't see the problem with him wanting his own sister to stand on his side at the wedding. And I don't see how it "interferes" with your religion.... it's not like there's anywhere in the Bible that says Men must stand on the groom's side and Women must stand on the bride's side at a wedding.

Where are our religion guru's when you need them???

[fallbride]

I left it up to my FH who he wanted to stand by him. I think that is for them to decide on. That is just my opinion on this.

[Complicated Woman]

Margie, do you mean me?

I'm probably not the one to offer advice. There are so many "traditional" Christian churches that continue to enforce gender iniquities that have nothing to do with the Bible or the way of Jesus.

I will say that I am having a male stand on my side. We have no such rules about separating men and women. In fact, Paul says clearly in Galatians that there is neither slave nor free, Jew nor Greek, male nor female, for we are all one in Christ.

Mrs T, do you mind telling us what denomination you are a part of?

I serve as a youth pastor in a Nazarene church and might be able to offer some advice if I know more about your tradition. If you are terribly conservative, the fact that I am a female pastor will probably not suit you, so you may not want my advice. That's okay, too!

I would naturally suggest that you speak to your pastor and seek his counsel. As a clergyperson, I can tell you that sometimes parishoners think there are rules when there are not. If he too, feels it is disrespectful, I would advise your daughter to be married in a different church that suits the needs of her and her fiancé. Maybe his tradition will be able to be more flexible? After all, it is thier wedding.

[ljeagle]

What religion are you if you don't mind me asking? I come from a church that is very strict on what happens at a wedding. But that is one thing they have never said any thing about. I don't see where it is a wrong to do this in a church. They are just standing up there to witness there love one marriage. What would it matter what religion he is if he says he is a Christian then it should be left alone. I don't want it to sound like I'm being harsh but this is there wedding he stood up for his sister so in return he wants her to stand with him.

[feb-bride]

Nowadays, it is becoming "normal" for grooms to have women on their side and for brides to have men on their side. It doesn't mean any of the attendants are gay or hemaphrodites. It's a matter of brides and grooms wanting the people who are most important to them to stand up on their side of the wedding party, regardless of gender. Typically, "groomsmaids" wear the same dress as the bridesmaids, and "bridesmen" wear the same tuxes as the groomsmen.

It is up to the bride and groom - not their parents - regarding who stands on their side of the wedding party.

If you really think this is a church rule (women with the bride and men with the groom), ask your pastor. If this really is a rule, the bride and groom have the option of getting married somewhere else.

I don't think it's troubling that the groom wants his sister to stand up for him. He should get some say in this wedding and who stands up for him. After all, it's his wedding, too - not just the bride's.

[ljeagle]

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

In fact, Paul says clearly in Galatians that there is neither slave nor free, Jew nor Greek, male nor female, for we are all one in Christ.

I was looking for this and couldn't remember where it was!

[Jennifer]

I'm a Christian, married in a Christian church, and at my wedding we had the attendants stand staggered all over the stage. We didn't line them up, guys and girls. Traditions are changing and weddings aren't like they use to be. Unless your church requires guys on one side and girls on the other, I would let your daughter and son-in-law to be decide how they want their wedding. It's their day, let it be special and unique to them.

[Heather]

I agree with everyone above.

[whiddle]

I don't think it is odd that he wants his sister to stand on his side. I mean afterall, the sister is supporting him in the marriage. I think that if the church does not allow this, your daughter should find a church more reflective of their needs. IMO, if anyone sees this as disrespectful, they need to start using their own logical skills and not following abstract "rules" of others. Best of Luck!

[SuzyBride]

First off, Welcome to Pash!!! We love to get new members!

To be very honest, Mrs T, I am very shocked at how you see the whole situation. Your FSIL wanting his sister to stand up for him on what will be one of the most important days of his life just should not be that troublesome. That says to me that he is close with his family and values them a great deal. And I cannot for the life of me see how him wanting his sibling standing by him has anything to do with him being a Christian or her being gay or a hemaphrodite. I hate to so brutally honest but I have to say that I am concerned about how narrow minded you are being. Maybe I am being a bit harsh and I do apologize but my goodness... I also think that this is THEIR wedding and they should be the ones to make the decisions.

[munchkin]

I agree with what the others have already posted. Being male or female should have nothing to do with what side they stand on. My best friend is a guy, and he is my "man of honour." It was my decision as to who stands up with me, as it is your daughter's and her fiance's. It is not up to you to police who will stand up for their wedding, nor is it your right to pass judgement on whether your future son in law is a good Christian or not.

[clairon13]

i agree w/ all above, am a christian, and married a fellow believer. sometimes we get too bogged down w/ nonessential "traditions" that we neglect true values; as suzy said, the mere fact that he wants his sister involved shows family loyalty, etc, which is a GOOD THING no matter what. i believe the only reason that men and women are separated is simply tradition, but merely that.

[breezy]

Welcome to Pash.

I too agree. Your wedding party is about those that support YOU and YOUR union to your spouse. It really isn't about the sex of those individuales.

Perhaps you can shed some light on this for us and tell us why you feel it is NOT right for her to stand up for him. Where does that tradition come from anyway?

Have you specifically spoken with your pastor or priest? What did they express to you re: the situation?

Good luck with this situation. Many people are Christian without having a domination... hence non-denominational Christian Churchs.

[weddingadvisor]

I agree with the above posters. This has nothing to do with etiquette. It really annoys me when people use 'etiquette' as an excuse to have something done the way they want to.

Now "old fashioned" may be a better phrase to describe what you are doing to your daughter's wedding. If her FI wants to have his sister stand up with him on the groom's side, why not let them do it their way?

Please just let them handle this. As adults, they are the ones who make the decisions regarding the wedding party. It is perfectly acceptable in today's society for mix-gender wedding parties. Even Miss Manners would agree that there is nothing against etiquette for his sister to stand up with him.

[Emily]

My daughter is marrying a christian he says...but he stilled has not revealed what religion he is...(besides the point)
You say besides the point but I get the impression that you are not impressed with the fact that he has not revealed his religion - does it really matter?? Shouldnt the fact be that she is making your daughter happy be all that matters?

There are reasons why men are on one side, and women on the other
I'm interesed to know what you believe these reasons are?

He said that he was a bridesmaid for his sister's wedding. Well, that just about blew me over, and I wondered what kinda odd family is my daughter marrying in to????
How very judgemental of you! Your future Son-in-Lawd family may think you are odd as you have such a narrow minded view!

I talked to my mother about the situation, since she is the oldest member in our family and she said he was being disrespectful to tradition, and to the church.
You are turning something so small into a big issue - I am sure your Daughter and Furture Son-in-Law are furious that you are making such a big deal over something so small!


I keep thinking this is the stupidest thing to even be disagreeing on, and if this is how indifferent he is and this is what he finds cause to argue about, what will it be like when my daughter is married to him?
It is the stupidest thing to be disagreeing on so drop it now and let them make their own decisions about how they want THEIR wedding - remember thst it is THEIR wedding!!!!
If I was your future Son-in-Law I would be more concerned about the family I was marrying into as it sounds like you are very controlling!

[AshyBekka]

I have to agree with what the other ladies are saying. Your daughter and FSIL's wedding is the most important day of their lives, and they should be able to have those close friends and family that are important to them stand up for them at the wedding, regardless of gender. I'm trying to figure out honestly what sort of religious debacle the groom having his sister stand up for him will cause. I have to believe that God favors family loyalty, particularly in the circumstances of a wedding, rather than getting all embroiled over who wears pants and who wears skirts.

Talk to your pastor if this is truly troubling you. But remember that ultimately this wedding is for your daughter and her husband, and their wishes should be honored to make it an amazing and special day.

[555Ann555]

I have to agree with AshyBekka, I can't imagine for one second that God would have a problem with the sister of the groom standing up with him on his wedding day. Though I can imagine the old ladies of your parish having a problem with it...

I can understand your perspective... If I'm correct you just want this wedding to be traditional. Maybe you are uncomfortable with change, or maybe you don't want your mum to be upset by it being different from all the other weddings you've been to...

But the point that everyone agrees on is that your daughter is quite happy with this arrangment & so is the groom. It is there place to make the decision and there is nothing to be gained by falling out with them over it.

I think you're right when you said this is a stupid thing to be disagreeing on. But you can't infer that your daughter & FSIL will therefore have lots of petty arguments. For the simple fact that it is you & your mum who have a problem with this, not your daughter.


I think it is sad that you are having such a problem with this and I hope you manage to work something out...


*****
I don't know if it'll help at all, but I'll tell you the problem with tradition that I had...

I converted to become a Catholic shortly before my marriage. My family is not Catholic but I still wanted them to be involved in my wedding. I had asked my little brother, who is a very mature 14 year old, if he would read the Old Testament reading. I had spoken to some of the elders of our parish about this & they said they thought it was inappropriate to have him stand up in the wedding when he wasn't Catholic. They said they would look into it for me.

They didn't get back to me for a couple of weeks and as the wedding was approaching quickly I spoke to Monsignor about it instead. He was very enthusiastic about having my family involved in as many aspects as possible and didn't mind in the slightest that they weren't Catholic. He felt that as we are all God's children He would not be judging them. He would be glad to see us trying to unite the families.

Well, two days before the wedding I had a message on my voice mail saying that the elders had agreed that it wouldn't be right to have my brother involved.

I decided to ignore that decision.

I taught my brother how a 'good Catholic' would approach the Alter, when to bow, when to pause, where people would voice the reply. He learned the passage very well, he paused in all the right places & delivered it better than a lot of adult readers would have. He did us all proud.


My point is that tradition is not always right. You have to let the bride & groom make their own decisions. Family unity is worth more than keeping the elders of your parish comfortable, they'll get over it.

I hope you find a way to resolve this, it really isn't a very big issue, and not worth fighting about.

[birdie]

I completely agree with everyone above. I really couldn't have said it better!

[Robyn Lynn]

Just a couple of thoughts....

My cousin got married in a Catholic Church and one of the readers was Jewish and he even wore his Yamaka (spelling please?). I don't think anyone had a problem with it(the priest was just awesome anyway -- he shared a great story about the groom as an alter boy having his bells hidden and making the noise himself!!).

In a traditional Mormon Temple wedding(not what i'm having) there are 2 male witnesses. The bride does have a female escort (usually her mother) who helps her get ready and stays with her until the ceremony. She also has bridesmaids and a maid of honor but they play no role in the ceremony. Same with groom's side. But the 2 witnesses are men.

My Matron of honor will sit on the groom's side (her brother) with her husband(best man) and son (ring bearer).

I am curious as to what Mrs T's religion is. Could it be, too, that she is worried the sister will not be wearing a dress?

[DragonYoga]

Ya girls wanna know what I find REALLY interesting about all this? It's been a while and we haven't seen Mrs. T since. She's still made the only one post exactly 10 days ago. We're all asking questions to better our understanding (and being vocal, as usual) and... Is it any use to keep this thread open, considering that everyone that's answered agrees on the situation?

[weddingadvisor]

It's funny, I sent this post by my 'etiquette expert' who knows Miss Manners by heart. Even she didn't understand what this had to do with etiquette.

[555Ann555]

DY: I think she probably didn't like the response she got Which is a bit of a shame, she might have found the iste useful in other areas, even if we didn't agree about the Best-Maid...

[Heather]

I agree Ann. That's usually what happens...

[Kim&Bob2004]

I had a good male friend in the bridal party. I am a Christian. Maybe he wants to honor his sister? What does your daughter have to say about it? Does she have the same concerns? A lot of people are Christian but becuase of "religion" refuse to go to Church.
Accept you FSIL.