Getting grief

[Marge129]

I'm not sure where to put this... but since I'll be a 2nd time bride, I'll put it here.

I'm getting so much grief from almost everyone I know for putting off marrying Jerry. The only people who support me are the people here, my Mom, my Sister, and my 2 neighbor's. Everyone else... his family, the rest of our friends, my Dad and Step-Mom... say that we're having a kid and that we should be married.

I keep telling myself that what I'm doing is the right thing. I KNOW I want to marry Jerry... there's no doubt in my mind that someday I want to be his wife. And when that day comes, we'll be together forever. But, now just isn't the right time for me. There are too many other issues surrounding us and I think adding a marriage on top of it would just cause more problems and we wouldn't enjoy it like we should. Does that make sense?

Please help me out here. I'm starting to feel guilty about the whole thing. No matter what I say, everyone who doesn't support my decision thinks that I'm just using Jerry for now and when I have the baby and get a job I'm going to leave him. They think I have no intentions of ever marrying him. How do I prove them wrong and still do what I feel is right for me? They're making me miserable.

[allison]

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. That sucks that they aren't supporting you. But you don't have to "prove" anything to anyone. You are doing the right thing! Getting married just because the two of you are having a child is not the right reason to get married. I know that's not why you would be marrying Jerry. I'm just taking that from what you said: they they're saying "that we're having a kid and that we should be married."

You've thought long and hard about this already, talked to Jerry about it, and he understands. You both have issues you need to work out together, and getting married isn't miraculously going to solve them. Of course it would be ideal to be married before Natalie arrives, but how much of this world is ideal anymore? You have to do what's right for you, Jerry, and your family. Please don't feel guilty about your decision. And I know it's tough when those closest to you aren't being supportive, but try not to let it get to you. You and Natalie don't need the added stress right now. We love you and support you, Margie. You're doing the right thing.

[maroki13]

First of all, *BIG HUG*

It totally sucks that people in your life, both family and friends, aren't supporting your decision to put off your marriage to Jerry. However, although they all want to support you and think they know what is best for you, you are the only person who can decide when it is right to marry Jerry.

You shouldn't feel guilty at all just because you aren't living up to their expectations about you and Jerry getting married. They can't create a plan in their mind of how your life should go and then be disappointed that you don't follow that plan.

Even though I don't post as much as the other girls, I have been around for a while and have seen you go through this whole thing with Jerry. I think you deciding to put off marrying Jerry was a very smart decision. Like you said, you know you are going to be with Jerry. But there is no rush to get married if you feel you aren't ready, especially if you are getting married for the wrong reason. Having Natalie is not a good reason on its own to get married before you are both ready.

Stick to your guns girl....you are doing the right thing. No reason to start this marriage off on the wrong foot, either because your friends/his family guilted you into marriage or you got married simply because of Natalie. We are here to support you and listen to you vent. Stay strong! You made a really hard decision, but I'm proud of you for sticking to it under guilt trips from other people!

[SuzyBride]

Timing is so important!! You know you are doing the right thing and you are right, right now you and Jerry have things you need to work out first. Do not let them guilt you into making a decision that you know shouldn't be made at this time. You do not need everyone or anyones support or even approval!!! You are a grown woman and can make your decisions all by yourself whether or not they agree or approve is their problem. You don't have to prove anything to them, let time run its course and when you are ready you and Jerry will get married. The important thing is that little Natalie arrive healthy and she has two parents who love her, it doesn't matter if they are married or not! And shame on them for causing you more stress than necessary! Things are going to work out, just hang in there and continue doing what you know is best!

[cru5h]

I thought you got the memo - people suck!

If you get down and think about *why* they're saying what they're saying it's very old fashioned and unnecessary. You don't get married because you have a child w/the person. Ideally you've had the child after marriage, but you were already as sure of Jerry as any wife is of her husband when you conceived. People act like God is going to strike you down when, if you believe in God, you probably believe he is all-knowing, therefore God already knows that you're pregnant and making a beeline for the chapel isn't going to make a difference. I don't think having children out of wedlock when you're in a committed relationship is so horrible - probably because I did the same thing. I also don't think you need paperwork to be "married". You seem very confident about your relationship. Do these people even see you on a regular basis to see your interaction with Jerry? It doesn't sound like they do, otherwise they'd see that you two are in love and have a strong relationship.

I think your decision is very responsible. I wish I could get you to see that you don't need to prove anything to anyone. But sometimes we can't help the way we feel. I can tell you this: if it isn't the date and the baby it's something else. It's easier to focus on someone else's faults than to take a look at your own. I bet they'd be pissed if you WEREN'T pregnant and decided to rush into marriage instead. Either way, there's no winning. Take your attention away from the negativity. It's just going to fck your head up in the long run. This is just a taste of what's to come with Natalie. If you're not confident about yourself, you will spend your time second-guessing and doubting when you're already doing just fine in the first place. (This advice also applies to the marriage situation.)

[whiddle]

I think people should mind their own business. I hate when people try to tell you what is right for you. Only you know. And if you make a mistake, you will learn from it and move on. I say: Stand your ground. If the timing is not right-don't let people push you into a marriage that you are not ready for. It takes a while to feel ready after a divorce (even if it was one you wanted). It makes no sense to turn around and rush into a marriage that you feel already has issues that need resolved.

[Marge129]

Thanks girls... I needed to hear all of that. Here's my comments (sorry, I don't remember exactly who I'm responding to):

#1- Jerry doesn't understand why we're not getting married. He's one of the people that keep bothering me about it and telling me that I'm never going to marry him. He just doesn't get it. He didn't marry his ex until Bub was 2, so what's the rush with me?

#2- The people who are saying these things are mostly his Mom and Step-Dad (born-again Christains... think WE need to be married before hte baby's born even though his sister has 3 kids from 3 different Dad's... all out of wedlock) and Jerry's best friend. His best friend's comments last night are the ones that prompted me to post about this. All of these people see us together on a regular basis and know how great we are together. I don't see why they just can't be happy for us.

Jerry asked me last night if I had doubts about us. I tried telling him that it's not that I have doubts, but I just don't feel like I have a say in my own home. He told me that I do have a say and I tell him and Bub what to do all the time. I may tell them what to do, but they roll their eyes at me and don't listen.... that's a problem to me. Well... not so much Jerry not listening (after all, he's an adult, too), but his son NEEDS to listen to me when he's in MY house. Jerry then told me that he doesn't see how things will change. I didn't have anything to say to that. If things don't change (like I'm thinking they will after Natalie's born... cause I BETTER have a say when it comes to her) then I'm outta here. I'm not going live my life with someone else controlling it. I WILL have a say in what goes on in my house with my children... and even my step-child (though I don't expect much there and that's fine).

[cru5h]

Stepchild/Jerry: As long as Bub respects you. But like you said, the eye-rolling...that's disrespectful and Jerry has to learn that even if he disagrees with what you're saying at the moment he should stand by you and at least bite his tongue until he can get you in another room to say his piece. It sounds like he's using the "All I hear is blah blah blah" attitude to bond with Bub. We've all gone over this with you 50 times, I know. But I do see what you mean. I have no clue how you're going to get him to see that. BUT I do wanna say that you friggin rock \m/ Your self-respect is what's most important and knowing what you won't put up with is awesome.

[syringa]

Have you considered asking Jerry to go to pre-marital counseling with you? The eye-rolling is an indication that he doesn't take you or your needs seriously. If Bub learns from Dad that it is okay to treat you that way, then you are going to have a real problem twice over. Having counseling with a neutral third party can open everyone's eyes to the real problem behind the behavior.

[Complicated Woman]

Margie, it's so clear that you're doing the right thing. (LOL, tell the born again FMIL + Stepdad that a pastor thinks you're totally right!! ) Anyone trying to push you into marriage should be ashamed of themselves. I think couple's counseling could be a good idea, just to help with the communication skills and to make Jerry more aware of his non-verbal cues. Women tend to be a lot more in tune with non-verbals than men.

I know Tom and I had a hard time because he's often very unaware of his tone of voice, and even though the words he's saying are totally fine, the way he says them upsets me sometimes, esp. when we're in public. I used to wait until we were in private to tell him if he had upset me, and he could never even remember how he had said whatever it was that bothered me, plus, by that time, I had usually already been a passive aggressive jerk because I was feeling hurt and he was annoyed with me. Finally, he asked me to just tell him gently right away when he did it so that he could figure out what I meant, and that worked shockingly well. He would make a comment and I would smile and say, "Hey hun, let's be sweet" and it helped a ton. He hadn't really thought about how he sounded, and it ended up being something that was easy for him to catch and apologize for right away, and then I didn't start getting frustrated and short with him. I had been convinced he was callous, it turned out he was just clueless. Maybe things are sort of the same for Jerry? IDK.

[wynelle]

Margie....honey, I feel for you. But if you don't get into marital therapy with Jerry, he will *never* see the light. As long as he does the *wink, wink, nod, nod, eye-rolling" thing with Bub, he's not listening to a word you say and he has no intention of threatening his relationship with Bub just because you don't like the status quo.

I really, really wish you weren't living with him, because as long as you are, he doesn't have to change or go to therapy. What are you going to do, move out? No, he doesn't think that is going to happen!

Somehow, I thought he had gotten Bub's Mom pregnant within the first month of dating and *had* to marry her, and it just didn't work out. But if it took him three years to marry her, they had time to get counselling, to get to know each other better prior to marriage, etc.

I wish you would move back to your mother's, and get a part-time job there. Medicaid would still cover your medical bills. It doesn't seem like Jerry is really supporting you financially or emotionally, and is pushing you to do something you aren't comfortable doing.

[Marge129]

Jerry did get Bub's Mom pregnant a month into the relationship. He proposed to her immediately, but they waited until April 1998 to be married (Bub was born in November 1996). I think they just "got along" because they thought they were supposed to.

I can't go stay with my Mom. She can't afford me and she wouldn't let me anyway. She thinks I should do whatever it takes to make it work with Jerry... and leaving is NOT an option.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

I agree completely with all the girls. Margie, you know what's right for you and what's not. You know there are enough issues in your relationship that need to be worked out before rushing into another marriage. If Jerry doesn't understand this and he doesn't see what the issues are, then that makes your decision to hold off on marriage all the more valid. You ARE a partner in this relationship and should be respected as such. I agree that counseling would be a positive step. If Jerry wants to marry you, then you can ask for what you need from him. It's ok for you to tell him you won't marry him until you go to counseling and work through your issues together.

[roseprincess]

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

I agree completely with all the girls. Margie, you know what's right for you and what's not. You know there are enough issues in your relationship that need to be worked out before rushing into another marriage. If Jerry doesn't understand this and he doesn't see what the issues are, then that makes your decision to hold off on marriage all the more valid. You ARE a partner in this relationship and should be respected as such. I agree that counseling would be a positive step. If Jerry wants to marry you, then you can ask for what you need from him. It's ok for you to tell him you won't marry him until you go to counseling and work through your issues together.

Amen!

I'm a born-again Christian and *I* don't think you should marry Jerry until he is ready to work with you on the issues that need to be worked on. The commitment to making the marriage work has to begin *before* the marriage takes place.

[munchkin]

Originally Posted by Marge129

I can't go stay with my Mom. She can't afford me and she wouldn't let me anyway. She thinks I should do whatever it takes to make it work with Jerry... and leaving is NOT an option.

What if moving out is what it will take to make it work?
I'm glad that you've admitted that you will leave if you are controlled. I think it's better to wait and see than have to go through the whole divorce thing again.

[Marge129]

I think we'll have plenty of time apart when he starts his new job. He'll be gone all week and only here on the weekends. The time we spent apart last week whie he was hunting did us some real good. I missed him like crazy and we haven't argued at all since he's been back. It's nice to have a weekend when we're not mad at each other.

[maroki13]

I think we'll have plenty of time apart when he starts his new job. He'll be gone all week and only here on the weekends. The time we spent apart last week whie he was hunting did us some real good. I missed him like crazy and we haven't argued at all since he's been back. It's nice to have a weekend when we're not mad at each other.

It sounds like that is a good solution then. He is gone and you guys get to spend some time apart, which makes your time together better.

However, my one question is: Will the time apart make you less annoyed or him less likely to roll his eyes and completely undermine your authority when you ask/tell Bub to do something?

Because it seems like that is one of the MAJOR issues, asides from you perhaps spending too much time together. Maybe the combination of spending time apart and couple's counseling would work out those issues.

[Marge129]

Originally Posted by maroki13

However, my one question is: Will the time apart make you less annoyed or him less likely to roll his eyes and completely undermine your authority when you ask/tell Bub to do something?

Oh, of course the time apart won't make that less annoying. That's the thing I'm hoping will change after the baby's born. I'm hoping either he'll see that I'm not a bitch and that I'll treat my own kid the same way, or that I'll ease up on Bub like he expects me to.

He has been better about backing me up lately. I think when I told him I didn't want to get married it was a reality check for him. He's not always agreeable, but he is more than he used to be! lol

[wynelle]

Or, honey, since he is gone all week, is he going to be more inclined to let Bub do what he wants to "keep the peace" with his son.

By the time Natalie is old enough to try and act like Bub, he will be a teenager and out of there...

Jerry is not going to see the light without professional help.

[SuzyBride]

I agree with Wynelle.

I also don't think things are going to change once Natalie is born. I just don't think that people change because someone new enters the picture. Your parenting style might not change between Natalie and Bub, but its going to be so long until you face the same things with Nataile that you are facing with Bub. How much time playing video games, etc, is not going to be an issue with Natalie as it is with Bub and that kind of thing seems to be what Jerry is not backing you on. I really think that counseling would be very beneficial.

Of course I don't know the whole situation and all the circumstances around it. But I have to be completely honest, and please feel free to tell me its none of my business and to butt out!! But what are going to do if Jerry doesn't change and the situation doesn't get better? You have said that if things don't change once Natalie is born then you're outta there, but where will you go, what will you do? You will have little Natalie to take care of, and you already said you can't go to your moms. I really hope you know I am not trying to pry or anything by asking. Its just that these are the questions I would be asking my best friend if she was sitting next to me and was telling me the same things you are saying. I hope things work out and none of those kinds of questions become relevant, but I just feel like I have to ask.

[Marge129]

Originally Posted by wynelle

Or, honey, since he is gone all week, is he going to be more inclined to let Bub do what he wants to "keep the peace" with his son.

I don't think things will change with his relationship with Bub since we only have him on weekends anyway. Bub won't know the difference.

I don't know what to do at this point. I know I'm in over my head by being pregnant. I have to admit there are times when if I wasn't pregnant I would've left him. Jerry has agreed to go to counseling, but we simply can't afford it! I know it's a priority... but so it keeping food on the table and a roof over our heads. When he gets insurace, that will be the first thing I want to do.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

Originally Posted by Marge129

I don't know what to do at this point. I know I'm in over my head by being pregnant. I have to admit there are times when if I wasn't pregnant I would've left him.

It must be very difficult for you, Margie. Personally, I know it was difficult for me to leave my ex-husband because of our kids. How scary it must be for you. I know daycare costs a fortune, so it might be difficult for you to afford to work and support you and Natalie on your own. I hate to think of the idea of any woman being "stuck" in a bad relationship solely for financial security. So, I think it's imperative women can take care of themselves. Have you given any thought as to what you can do to support yourself and Natalie? Even if you think you want to stay with Jerry right now, I think it would help with your feelings of security and independence just knowing that you DO have options.

[Complicated Woman]

Jerry has agreed to go to counseling, but we simply can't afford it! I know it's a priority... but so it keeping food on the table and a roof over our heads. When he gets insurace, that will be the first thing I want to do.

Margie, I know you're out in Ohio, and the churches are more conservative out there, but I know that around here (and I'm on the East coast, so it's different, I know) there are lots of churches that have family counselors who will give you help for free regardless of what you believe. If you poke around, you might be able to find someone who can help you.

If you were to take this route, just make sure that you find someone with a degree in counselling and not just someone who's going to throw their interpretation of the Bible at you. Churches that are listed in the book with a family pastor *usually* employ someone in that position who is certified in therapy and providing it to people is their ministry.

[bebe]

Margie, I don't really have much to add, I think the girls have said it all. I just wanted to add that I am glad that you are aware of the reality of the situation and actively trying to come up with some sort of a solution. I see so many people in situations similar to yours and they just try to pretend that everything is fine or are too proud to admit to anyone that they have doubts or that everything isn't absolutely perfect. They will just sit back and 'let' things happen to them and never speak up for themselves, and it only gets worse from there. Forget what the outsiders are saying, try to keep the communication open with Jerry and don't cave in and just get married to shut them all up - you will only end up resentful in the end. Doesn't sound like there is any danger of you caving though... lol, you aren't a 'caver!' As crazy as things feel right now, it sounds like you know what needs to be done. Counseling would be beneficial to all of you, they may even want to get Bub in on a session or two to help him learn how to deal with another parent and to understand his role as a big brother. Finding the means to do those things, I know, is another thing entirely! I think CW has a good idea about finding a program through a local church and getting started that way. Keep us posted! You know we are here for you. We may not be able to give you professional advice, but we excel in moral support! Hang in there girl.

[Marge129]

Thanks for the advice everyone. CW... I'll look into the church idea. I never even thought of that! lol We're still looking for a good church in our area anyway!