Missing FMIL

[AshyBekka]

Hello Sharon-
I have a question that's been driving me insane. My fiance is currently serving in Iraq, and will return just a few months before the wedding. In the meantime, I have been working with my family and his father and stepmother on organizing the wedding, the rehearsal dinner, and getting names and addresses for both the invitations and save the dates (the wedding is in November). I have started sending the save the dates (I am in Arkansas, most of his family is in Tennessee, and we have an incredible amount of family from England to Hawaii, so we felt the early notice was necessary) and started asking as far back as January for everyone-including his mother-to start thinking of who they wished to invite and start gathering addresses.

Long story short-I have yet to have a list from his mother. I have emailed and called her on numerous occasions and have not heard anything. I'm not sure that this is just an issue with me, as this woman neglected to even call her son back on the day he deployed to Iraq! I get the feeling that her "ways" are typically to my fiance, but I'm just starting to deal with her, and I don't want to start out on the wrong foot. We've met on a few occasions since my fiance and I started dating, and she's always been polite and very sweet to me during these meetings. But I have received no feedback from her on the wedding itself, and I don't want to purposely exclude anyone from her side of the family. His father and she don't get along very well, so I really don't want to involve him, and I certainly don't want my fiance to be stressing about this situation since he's obviously got more important things to deal with right now.

Any ideas??
Thank you!!!
Ashley

[Sharon Naylor]

Hello Ashley:

It sounds to me like your FMIL isn't aware that you're starting to get stressed about her lack of response on the guest list. So it's perfectly fine for you to call her and let her know that you're getting underway with the wedding plans, and since the guest list is crucial to your finding a location and planning the celebration, you'll need her guest list by (insert date). Let her know that you've given *all* the parents this 'request' and you're both looking forward to seeing who she has on her list. Stay positive and respectful, and make it easy for her to deliver. Tell her that e-mail is fine, or she can call you with the list. But you really do need her list by (inserted date).

And here's the important thing: ask her if she has any questions. It might be that she's holding back on giving you her list because she's not sure of your allowable guest headcount. If she has too many names, will you think she's greedy? If she has too few, what will you think? She might just be nervous to ask you how many names she's allowed, so open the door to communication. It could be something simple and silly like this that's holding back her list.

I know it's a difficult situation, and you rightly don't want to start on the wrong foot with her. But I can tell by your note that you're not making the biggest mistake other brides and grooms sometimes make: taking it personally, and creating drama. Brava to you for keeping your focus on the task at hand, and showing that you do care about creating a good relationship with your FMIL.

Keep me posted, and let me know if she's still not delivering after your deadline (which should be soon).

Good luck, and please give your fiance my best wishes and thanks for his important work!!

Sharon