You've got to be KIDDIN! - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

RainbowLove · #1 05-26-2006, 04:51 AM

So here's my situation, by the way I can't spell good!!!

OK so me and my girlfrien, yes I am a lesbian and we are getting married,,are planning on getting married in feb 07,, we are just starting the planning,, both our familys are FINE with us being gay and love each other,, Problem is my gf liz was abandoned by her real mom at age 10 and went and lived with her current"mom" rhena at that time,, so thats who she now calls mom,, her real mom she calls by her first name,,

Well rhena is a whiny ,manipulative, monster in law,, Anything and everything she wants , she just whines and poof liz gives it to her,, which I know isn't just rhena's doing liz does give in,,

Well liz doesn't think its right to ask her family,, none , not her real dad,mom,rhena her husband or her stepmom,, for money,, WHICH IS FINE,, and nor have they offered any,, they aren't the most richest people if you know what I mean so that cool,,
My mom and dad ( who have a good bit of money) have offered to help and liz says we shouldn't take it,, well all my life and most other peoples , it is common that the wedding would be paid for by my parents and they don't mind AT ALL,, they are thrilled,,,

well liz finally said ok, they could pay,, now ,,, She wants her sisters(2) and her neices ,4, to be in the wedding , which is awesome,, but since they are POOR,, and can't afford it ,, we are buying EVERYTHING for them,, hotel,dresses,hair,makeup,nails,jewelry, EVERYTHING!!!

Heres major problem,, liz wants her family,, especially rhena , to come shopping with us and her sisters to help pick out the BM dresses,, WTF?? They aren't even buying their own dresses , there is NO way I am letting them pick them out,, plus I HATE her "mom" rhena , she drives me BONKERS,,and I don't want her whiny butt coming with us to shop,, b/c liz won't be focusing on me she'll be focusing on rhena , who has to have attention all the time,, HOW do I tell liz no I don't want her coming I mean she's not even paying for ANYTHING, not even her own hotel,, My mom wants to come shopping and since she is a professional wedding planner is our wedding planner,, she will come,, But I don't want rhena coming,,

Do any of yall hate your soon to be monster in law and how do you do it,, HELP PLEASE!!!!!!! Liz keeps trying to not talk to her as much and pull away , since obviously rhena is attached to her , but she won't learn and will call liz with some "crisis" and need liz to come over asap,, HELP!!!!

kenzies_mama · #2 05-26-2006, 05:05 AM

A few questions just cause I'm not sure how you are working this wedding. Not trying to offend just wondering. Our her sisters going to be her attendants and then your having your own sets of attendants? Are you both wearing gowns? What role are her nieces playing?

RainbowLove · #3 05-26-2006, 05:09 AM

Thats cool,, Her sisters are going to be brides maides,,, I am having 2 bridesmaides and she is having 2,, we are each having 2 stand on the side of us,,,, Her neices are being flowergirls,, I am wearing the wedding dress, shes wearing a suit!! I am the femme!!!

ljeagle · #4 05-26-2006, 05:10 AM

How old are the BM's and FG's

whiddle · #5 05-26-2006, 05:14 AM

Are her sisters going to be BMs? And then you are going to have BMs as well? What role is Rhena playing in the wedding?

With the IL's, I find it is easier to just cope and go along with anything that is not to awful. I would just allow her to go shopping with you guys, if your FW regards her as a mom.

As far as the sisters, I would let them have some input in the dresses, with you and FW having the final say. It is in your best interest to have them comfortable in the dresses, if not, it WILL show in your pics and during the wedding.

The neices will definetly need to be present for the dress fittings.

If you FW finds Rhena's behavior innappropriate, she needs to address it with her.

RainbowLove · #6 05-26-2006, 05:21 AM

Yea you are soo right liz does need to talk to rhena, but she would never do that, she's way to codependent!!! Rhena so called "took her in" so liz feels she owe's her "THE WORLD" thats pretty much her words also,, Her sisters are 23 and 28 and my sisters are 25 and 29,,, liz is 32 I am 23
Rhena is playing NO ROLE WHAT SO EVER,,I would/will not allow it,, but of course she is trying

swtdl11552 · #7 05-26-2006, 05:22 AM

Well, to be honest I would let your fiance go with HER girls to get their gowns and whatnot just like a heterosexual wedding. The men and his groomsen would go get their stuff....the wife and her bridesmaids would.

If you do it that way, go separately, it might eliminate some of the stress. Thats just my opinion on that. And as far as the financial situation - that has to be between you & your fiance. Maybe you guys can set a budget for each of the dresses you have to buy for people....like, everyone can pick out what they want for under $100 (just throwing a figure out there). And you and your fiance have to be on the same page with it, no exceptions, and you two have to refer to these decisions as "WE" and "OUR"... not "Liz doesn't want that..." Ya know what I mean?

Good luck!!

kenzies_mama · #8 05-26-2006, 05:23 AM

Ok I'm just a little slow when it comes to some things, I would suggest having maybe different dresses for your sets of attendants your girls in one dress and hers in another. And that may solve the issue of input. I'd take your girls out with your mom and pick their dresses and then take her side out and let them help pick their dresses keeping in mind what the have to coordinate with. I know your paying for their dresses but you still want them to look nice in their dresses and feel comfortable.
Also it seems since her family isn't paying for anything your taking an attitude that how they may feel about things isn't important and that's not really being fair. Also taking an attitude like that could put a wedge between you and your FW. You say that them not paying if fine but it doesn't seem that's how you really feel about it.
I know MIL's can be annoying but you cannot expect her to severe ties with her family just because you don't like them. It may be difficult but I would try and work with her on this, she just wants to make her mom feel as though she's part of the wedding too, and to many mothers this is important. How would you feel if the roles were reveresed and your mother was being excluded?

RainbowLove · #9 05-26-2006, 05:25 AM

Thanks yea I understand,, I love her sisters , thats not the problem I just don't see if they have this much time , they can't save at least $5 a month and pay for at least their hair or jewelry or something you know,, I don't mind paying for some if they can't afford it, but I hate paying for everything and them not minding AT ALL, and not even saying thank you , you know? I want her sisters to go shopping with me , but also be grateful for all we are doing and HAVE done,, we send them money ALLLL the time for their kids for clothes and if they need help with rent,,

kenzies_mama · #10 05-26-2006, 05:31 AM

I see, it can be irritating to kep giving help to the seemly ungrateful but I'm sure they are. I know as someone who has had to accept help from different family members to get through some stuff that sometimes it can also be difficult to say thank you as it can be embarassing to need and take the help. But maybe look for a sign of gratitude that doesn't come in the traditional way.

ljeagle · #11 05-26-2006, 05:42 AM

At the age they are I think they should be able to pay for what needs to be. U don't have to pay for there hair, nails, and makeup. That something most people can do on there own or do with out. I say just talk it over with them and see how it goes. Try not to pick out dresses that have a crazy price tag. You can find good deals right after prom and christmas and you have both of those seasons b-4 your wedding. Try not to worry about something that you can't help. If they don't have the money and it is meant for them to be in the wedding then something will happen. I paid for my bm's fabric for the dresses and jewelry but they had to pay for the rest.

RainbowLove · #12 05-26-2006, 05:47 AM

Yea,, thanks!!! I was willing to pay for ther hair and makeup b/c I wanted them to come with me! but I mean they can't pay for anything is just overwhelming and like I said its just that they aren't grateful,, Yea Its not going to be a over the top wedding so the bm's dressing are going to be somewhat simple and comfy !

SuzyBride · #13 05-26-2006, 06:18 AM

Could you suggest that they at least pay half of the expenses?

555Ann555 · #14 05-26-2006, 11:46 AM

I think it would be reasonable for both sets of BMs to pay for their own shoes, hair & make up if you are paying for the dresses.

Perhaps the jewellery could be their attendant gift?

I can understand the frustration of feeling that if you/your family are paying you should get to chose

But there will be so many hurdles in planning this wedding (in planning any wedding!) that you sometimes have to pick your battles...

I'd try to compromise as much as possible on the things that you feel won't kill you, then be really clear about what means the most to you.

You are going to have to discuss the MIL situation with your FW, if Liz can't stand up to Rhena then you should at least be clear with each other where she will & will not be involved.

Is this Rhena's only 'daughter'?

Complicated Woman · #15 05-26-2006, 01:55 PM

That sounds like a frustrating situation.

I agree with what swdtl said, why not let your FW take her people shopping and you take your people shopping? I know FH isn't coming with me to get my girls gowns. That will at least relieve the stress of one situation.

I do think you probably need to talk with Liz about her relationship with Rhena. If she consistently gives in to her mom's selfish demands now, she'll probably keep doing it and it might end up being a real source of tension for a long time.

Good luck with everything!

feb-bride · #16 05-26-2006, 03:41 PM

If you want all four adult attendants to wear the same dress, then what I would do if I were you would be to have you and Liz agree on three or four dresses. Let the bridesmaids vote on one of the three or four dresses that you and Liz have chosen. That way, no matter what they end up wearing, it's something that the two of you already liked.

I do also like the idea of having your two attendants in one dress and Liz's two attendants in another dress. The dresses should be the same color (or at least complement each other), and they should be similar in formality and style (or at least complement each other).

I didn't take my MIL shopping with me when I chose my dress. I like her, but I'm certainly not close with her.

Robyn Lynn · #17 05-26-2006, 05:08 PM

I have some of the same issues as you, but on a smaller scale.

My FMIL drives me crazy at times, but I don't hate her. She has always been very nice to me. and I have the opposite problem with her -- It was like pulling teeth to get her to help with anything so I stopped asking (then I got a response that she would be happy to help! --

)

My in-laws do not have a lot of money, either, and I have not asked them to pay for anyhting. Nor have they offered, which is fine. My FSIL is my Matron of Honor and I am just letting her wear whatever she wants (I have a maid of honor, too -- same deal). I asked that it be blue or rose colored, but if they find something else they feel fabulous in to go for it. I also offered to let them borrow something (as I have a couple blue dresses).

My FH is fine with letting my mom pay for most of the wedding (or, if he isn't, he hasn't said anything), so that is cool. I think that if your parents want to pay for stuff they should be able to. explain to your FW that it is like a gift.

If my mom had been here and I went dress shopping I would not have wanted FMIL to come, too. I didn't invite FMIL even though my mom isn't here. I went by myself then bought on Ebay. She might have wanted to go, but I just didn't want her to.

Include FMIL in what you want. Your FW can include her in all of her activities. That is an advantage of her also being a bride!!!

uNF_Rena · #18 06-01-2006, 11:44 PM

Let the BMs have a fair say in what they wear.. but let them know your will to pay .. lets say 100 dollars on the dress.. so if a BM wants one for 125.. then she pays the 25.
If they start complaining explain to them how your parents have to work say 2 hours for their dress... it isnt their right.. it IS a privilege.

wynelle · #19 06-02-2006, 02:06 AM

I certainly don't want to jump into the role of therapist, ***but*** I truly think that you and your GF need some couples counselling prior to the wedding.

You may not be a typical couple, but you will face not only the typical couple issues, but a good deal more. For example, at what point are you going to get tired of giving money to Rhena and the sisters? Let's face it, they are adults. Since you are the femme, it would be sort-of okay for your parents to pay for the bridal expenses of the wedding. But it isn't typical for the bride's parents to pay for the groomsmen's tuxes---which is what GF's sisters technically are.

Does your GF have the funds to continue to support Rhena/sisters/etc or is it coming out of joint income? Because I would certainly get tired of supporting adult women and their children.

My personal thoughts--- the two of you determine the colors and general style you each want. (Just as an example-- apple green for her side and lavender for yours)-- then GF/Rheena and sisters go shopping for their dresses and you, your mom and bridesmaids go shopping for yours.

RainbowLove · #20 06-05-2006, 02:35 AM

Thank you and I agree,, I told her if we are to marry I require couples therapy ,, I strongly agree with it!

weddingadvisor · #21 06-11-2006, 08:31 PM

Well, in my experience, the more people you get involved in the wedding planning (whether a traditional couple or not, you are still having a wedding), the more problems ensue.

That's fine if your FI wants to involve her 'mom' in the dress shopping, but I think you and your FI should make the final decisions together.

As far as finances, try to make it a small, simple affair. When you get caught up in all these details, you forget why you are doing this in the first place: To celebrate you and your FI love and commitment to each other.

Everything else is just minor details. Ones that can be smoothed out if you take a step back and look at the bigger picture.