I am at a loss... - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

wyildflowr · #1 05-23-2006, 07:43 AM

Greetings, my husband and I who have neither one been previously married, got married at the local courthouse last month. It is not how I expected my wedding day to be, although it meant so very much to us. We are not ready financially to have a big ceremony, hence the courthouse wedding. I, in a way feel robbed of "My big day". At first we werent telling anyone, but it looked like we were ashamed of it. So now the cat is out of the bag. I still want the dress, the ceremony and reception, but what would we call it? I want the bridesmaids, the family and friends which are so very important to me. It really is not our wedding, since we are already married. But I want people to look at it as such. I dont think I will feel that it is official until both of my parents and all of our other family and friends are able to share the big day with us. I dont want them to think, "Why go, they are already married??" If anyone has advise please let me know, I would be so grateful!

DragonYoga · #2 05-23-2006, 12:59 PM

Actually, there are married couples that recommit their vows to each other. Start saving up, do it oh, say about 1 or 2 years down the road and call it a recommitment ceremony. That way, everyone knows you're already married AND you get your dream wedding!

Marge129 · #3 05-23-2006, 01:54 PM

Exactly. You can still have that BIG wedding. It will just be a vow renewal. You can plan everything the same way you would a "regular" wedding, just have a different wording on the invitations. Oh, and you *shouldn't* have a bridal shower.

My fiance and I will be going to the courthouse for the same reason... because we can't afford a wedding. BUT, this is both of our second marriages. We'll have a family wedding and reception (vow renewal) in a few years when we're more financially stable.

555Ann555 · #4 05-23-2006, 01:56 PM

You could call it a renewal of the vows, although to be honest it does seem a bit soon for a renewal. Or if either of you are religious you could have it blessed.

The other option is trying to stay focused on the most important thing: your mariage, not the ceremony.

Of course it may be easy for me to say that having just had a white wedding (even though it was a small one). I just think ikt is a shame to start your marriage focusing on what you couldn't have or didn't have rather than counting your blessings.

I hope you work out a way to resolve your feelings about this

Heather · #5 05-23-2006, 03:33 PM

I agree with the above...

You would have a vow renewal, and my opinion is that it should be done at a milestone annivesary, 5 years for example. You wouldn't have a bridal shower, or register anywhere, etc. But you could absolutely do the dress, reception, cake, etc. Again, this is only my opinion. We do have a wedding planner on the site who post often (Syringa). I'm sure she'll pop on and provide you with some additional information.

Good luck, welcome to Pash,

and congrats on your wedding!

maroki13 · #6 05-23-2006, 04:41 PM

Welcome to Pash and congrats on your marriage!!

I agree with the others that a vow renewal would be the way to go, but I would wait until an anniversary. A year or two isn't that far away.

I hope that your regret about your lack of a large, beautiful wedding doesn't rollover into regret about being married already. Regardless of how you got married, marriage is an event that can be celebrated every day. So when you have a vow renewal and invite all of your family and friends, invite them to celebrate your marriage with you, not just the wedding.

ljeagle · #7 05-23-2006, 04:50 PM

Welcome to PASH! I agree with the others!

Complicated Woman · #8 05-23-2006, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maroki13

Welcome to Pash and congrats on your marriage!!

I agree with the others that a vow renewal would be the way to go, but I would wait until an anniversary. A year or two isn't that far away.

I hope that your regret about your lack of a large, beautiful wedding doesn't rollover into regret about being married already. Regardless of how you got married, marriage is an event that can be celebrated every day. So when you have a vow renewal and invite all of your family and friends, invite them to celebrate your marriage with you, not just the wedding.

+1 Well said!

wyildflowr · #9 05-24-2006, 05:56 AM

Thank you for the responses you all gave, they were all very well heeded. I know my message came across that I may be ungrateful or unhappy about my marriage or the courthouse ceremony, that is not the case, I just felt that after waiting 30 years to become one with someone, it would have been clebrated and witnessed by all of the friends and family who have been at my side along the way, and that was not the way it happened. When I am standing in front of so many of our closest friends and family, proclaming my love to him, is when it will become (I hate to say it), real for me. Our relationship did go to another level and feelings became more intense and deeper by becoming man and wife. But I am very ready to have a ceremony to celebrate Jeremy and I, and our life together. It is not about a big fancy wedding to me, it is about us and our family and friends to celebrate the beginning of our journey together. It is about having our marriage, our pastor blessing us and about our vows. I dont even know if you are supposed to do your vows again or if we should do something different.

I am at a loss of what to say on the invitations, "you are invited to a ????? ceremony to celebrate the marriage of Jeremy and Andrea?" (I do not want to call it a vow renewal ceremony because we plan to do this soon) and I also do not want just a reception. I have always wanted my Dad to walk me down the aisle, since 2nd grade I have always know who my bridesmaids are going to be.....I just really want those things and want he and I to celebrate a beautiful, once in a lifetime experience together. I know this sounds like a whiny, ungrateful person just wrote this, but actually it is someone who is very much in love with her husband, a little girls dream and the future he and I will share together! Please give some ideas and support!! Thank you so very much ladies...I found this site last night and am so very thankful for it!! What a Godsend!

swtdl11552 · #10 05-24-2006, 06:19 AM

Well...now that you clarified some things...why not just call it ...

"You are invited to attend the "spiritual" or "Religious" confirmation of marriage between..."

Something like that I wouldn't mind getting invited to. But I am etiquettely challenged! So, thats my opinion..not what is accepted in general.

kenzies_mama · #11 05-24-2006, 06:22 AM

Here's a bit I found on it:

The renewal of vows usually follows one of two formats, religious or civil. The blessing of the marriage is a religious ceremony. The specific content is decided upon by the officiant, with input from the couple. The degree of formality may vary from a blessing by an officiant during regularly scheduled, religious services to a full-blown ceremony. The latter is often the case when a couple's original wedding was a civil ceremony, not recognized by their church. The renewal of vows is then considered the "real, first wedding." Many couples choose to celebrate the blessing in a small, private service held during daytime hours. The appropriate attire is what one would choose to wear to religious services. Unless the format of the religious ceremony requires attendants, there usually are none. Invitations should be handwritten and sent only to a small group of guests who will understand and appreciate the religious significance of the event. The celebration/reception which follows the service may be as simple or as elaborate as the couple prefers. Should the couple choose to hold the blessing of the marriage in an evening service, perhaps followed by a formal party, it is appropriate for the bride to wear any evening gown and for the groom to wear a tuxedo. Some "brides" are breaking with etiquette and choosing to wear their wedding gowns at their renewal ceremonies.

ETA: Realize this says "many" couples which means you can definitely break away from this.

wyildflowr · #12 05-24-2006, 08:26 AM

Thank you both for the information, support and ideas. I have been using the word confirmation but was not sure if that was the right word! Both of your responses have helped me take a deep breath, and made me realize if I just look to women like you I can find the answers and help I need during these major steps in my life!! Thank you again!

maroki13 · #13 05-24-2006, 02:19 PM

Thank you for explaining yourself further. I have one question: If you have been dreaming about this wedding since 2nd grade and won't accept anything else as 'real', why didn't you have this wedding in the first place?? I know you said you couldn't afford it financially, but you are having this 2nd ceremony "soon" in your words. I understand this is a personal question, so you are under no obligation to answer it. Reading your posts has simply made me wonder.

I think the other ladies gave you some good advice about what to call it. I hope this 2nd ceremony is everything you've dreamed of and more!!

Marge129 · #14 05-24-2006, 03:01 PM

I've been wondering the same thing as Maroki. If you wanted the BIG wedding, why the rush to the courthouse? Why didn't you just wait until you could afford the wedding you've always dreamed of??

Again, please don't answer if you're not comfortable. No one is trying to judge you... we're just nosey!

Heather · #15 05-24-2006, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maroki13

I think the other ladies gave you some good advice about what to call it. I hope this 2nd ceremony is everything you've dreamed of and more!!

Ditto.

Do keep in mind that while etiquette is important, more and more things are changing. I think if you wanted to keep the event small, just family and close friends, you could do it. You would be doing the "right" thing if you made sure everyone knew it's not your first ceremony and that you're already married. It's only fair and honest.

There are things you wouldn't do - like have a shower or register, but some may still give you gifts. I know it's not about the gifts for you, but as a guest at a vow renewal/marriage confirmation, they're not obligated to give a gift as they would be at a marriage ceremony.

I'm starting to ramble, lol. Your best bet is to just do as much research as you can, and decide what you would like to do. You don't have to follow strict etiquette, as long as your guests understand what it is they are attending.

Good luck, and let us know what you decide to do, and how you do it. Your experience will surely help other ladies as they come along in the same situation.

555Ann555 · #16 05-24-2006, 04:11 PM

Quote:

It is not about a big fancy wedding to me, it is about us and our family and friends to celebrate the beginning of our journey together. It is about having our marriage, our pastor blessing us and about our vows. I dont even know if you are supposed to do your vows again or if we should do something different.

I am at a loss of what to say on the invitations, "you are invited to a ????? ceremony to celebrate the marriage of Jeremy and Andrea?" (I do not want to call it a vow renewal ceremony because we plan to do this soon)

Thanks for making that clearer for me!

I would probably call it a blessing of your marriage. But a confirmation of your vows would work too, it's just that being Catholic I see confirmation as something very specific...

Actually, confirmation for us is about recieving the Holy Spirit into our lives, so it could work as a Confirmation of your Marriage, because you would be welcoming the Spirit to bless your marriage...

Och. Just typing as I think! Ignore the rambling

Why don't you speak to your priest/minister about it? Tell him what it would mean to you both & see what he has to say.

Good luck with it.

DragonYoga · #17 05-24-2006, 06:19 PM

Be warned, Andrea... We are a nosey bunch that will not hesitate to ask very personal questions. Or to give out TMI!

We're all here for ya whenever ya need it, girl. Just ask! And be prepared for a variety of responses/ideas!

............gosh.............I've only been on this for what, 2 weeks now and I'm already responding the same way as the ol' timers on this site...........

Kim&Bob2004 · #18 05-24-2006, 06:38 PM

Welcome to Pash!

I like Ann's suggestions too. And Like Heather said, be sure everyone knows that you are already married and just inviting those you love to celebrate your marriage with you. I am curious too about why you didn't just wait a bit and have the "real" wedding? Lots of people have a civil ceremony and then follow it with a religious blessing of the marriage where they have the bells and whistles that most associate with a wedding. When my brother and his DF were having trouble finding a pastor that family was agreeable with I mentioned a civil service and then having anyone they wanted perform a religious type ceremony, that way the state would be happy and family would too.

Anyway, hope you enjoy Pash.

We are really a great bunch I think!

wyildflowr · #19 05-25-2006, 02:05 AM

You are all so full of advice and questions hehe!! It would be asking the same question I would have if I did not know the full story either...I feel that you wonderful women will not judge, but understand. I started going through some pretty serious emotional and mental problems when we started dating 2 years ago but did not know what this was or why this was happening, I just knew I was not me and I had never been like this before. It was an adjustment letting him into my space, but I worked hard on letting some control of all the control. I started getting so angry about small things, alot of things would annoy me that used to not bother me would drive me crazy, he would do something small and I would go CRAZY, totally lose control and get so angry. I was not sleeping right, gaining weight, just felt like a nightmare. Through all of this, he was so very supportive, he would forgive me when sometimes I couldnt forgive myself, he would remain calm during my outbursts and kept loving me. We both knew something was wrong, but no matter the love he gave me, and all the prayers I said, we could not fix it. I went to talk to a therapist and she diagonised me as Bipolar, (manic depressive). All of my symptoms which I thought were just symptoms of me losing my mind were symptoms of Bipolar. It was a relief knowing this was something I could not control. Jeremy had insurance through his work but they denied me last year because we were not legally married, just common-law. At the beginning of this year, the insurance opened up for new members and he called and told them we were married and put me on. I did not know he had done this until after the fact. One of his New Year's resolutions was to help me get better, and he followed through! Since he had done this, there was no going back. It is a felony for insurance fraud, so we had to do this quickly before anything came of it. I sure did not want him to go to jail! So, I have been able to go to my therapist, my doctor and get the medicine and help I need because of our courthouse and his devoted love and resolution! Things are 100% better, I have control over my life again and I am so grateful and blessed that he was so concerned about my well being to risk going to jail! That is love I know! I know this may make me look even more like a _itch, not being so thrilled about my ceremony at the courthouse...it is not about the excitement or glamour that day held, it held so much deeper meaning, it represented the love and concern he has for me and I will always hold that day in my heart.
Now, I want to celebrate that love with everyone, I want to introduce him to all of my parents friends, I want everyone to meet him..I want the world to know what an amazing man I have married. This is why a ceremony is so important to me. Thank you for listening to this unbelieveably long story!!!!

Kim&Bob2004 · #20 05-25-2006, 02:17 AM

Glad you are feeling more yourself.

So plan a wedding.... when are you thinking?

SuzyBride · #21 05-25-2006, 02:56 AM

Thanks for sharing your story with us. Now we better understand where you are coming from! You deserve to have the day you have always dreamed of! Have you made any plans so far?

feb-bride · #22 05-25-2006, 03:15 PM

I am so glad that you're getting the help you need and that you have such a supportive man in your life.

Given all you've been through and your reasons for doing the courthouse wedding, I think you should go ahead and plan a vow renewal or whatever you decide to call it. As long as all of the guests know you're already married, don't feel like you can't plan the wedding of your dreams.

Marge129 · #23 05-25-2006, 03:15 PM

Got it. Thanks so much for sharing. I'm so glad you're feeling better!

Like Kim said... when are you thinking of having this wedding??? What are your likes/dislikes? Are you going to have a theme wedding??

Heather · #24 05-25-2006, 03:18 PM

Thanks for sharing! My brother-in-law was diagnosed with bipolar disorder last year. This was after a very long, very hard road for him and everyone in his family. It can be devastating until it's diagnosed properly, and I'm so happy to hear that you're doing well.

PlanetClaire · #25 05-25-2006, 04:36 PM

Thanks for sharing your story!!

I too will be having what will be called a vow renewal or whatever , probably next year. My husband and I opted for a courthouse wedding for practical reasons; immigration and money! But we have every intention of having a more elaborate ceremony with the dress and veil and tux and family and friends!

Having had the courthouse ceremony in no way diminishes our feelings for each or our commitment.We made it fun and thoroughly enjoyed it. It just wasn't the big "to-do" that I think everyone openly or secretly wants.

Reading all the plans on here makes me a little wistful, no regrets though, and makes me sooooo want to do it "big"! LOL

Keep us posted as to your plans!