Ex's, step parents, etc. - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

katlady · #1 05-22-2006, 08:44 PM

My stepson is getting married in August. His dad and I will be hosting the rehersal dinner and I'm just starting to do research on where, etc. This is a first for us. My husband and his ex do not speak to each other (continual animosity still with younger sibling arrangements) and we have so far managed to avoid her at other functions like graduations, where we weren't forced to socialize. So far, we're clueless about all the wedding plans other than we know we have to do this. I'm almost afraid to ask stepson if he wants his mother and her husband to attend the rehersal dinner because it would be really uncomfortable for us. Anyone have any experience in this?

wynelle · #2 05-22-2006, 09:08 PM

I think that all parents/stepparents of the bride and groom should be included in the rehersal dinner, along with all members of the bridal party, their significant others and any brothers/sisters/aunts/uncles. Its up to you as the hosts of the rehersal dinner if you would like to include out of town guests.

You can arrange this rehersal dinner to be as formal or as casual as you would like it to be. Sometimes more formal is easier, because then you can have specific seating---a table for your and DH and family. A table for bride's parents and family, a table for ex and her family, then a formal table for the bridal party- similar to the seating at a reception. Then with a small podium somewhere, the different people can go up to do the individual toasting. This way you will not have to have direct contact with the ex.

Conversely, a big backyard barbecue gives room for everyone to wander around, and the three of you can continue to circle in different directions. But unfortunately, you should invite her, regardless. It is her son, too.

ladedah · #3 05-22-2006, 09:08 PM

Hello!!

I can't give advice on a step-son/daughter getting married, but I can comment as a step-daughter...I'm wondering though if your step-son doesn't want his mother there???? Or if you're not co-hosting the rehearsal dinner with his mother and her husband???? What I can say is that until my wedding day my mother and father (and step-parents) had not spoken or been civil to each other since they were divorced (24 years ago)...both my brother and I graduated high school, college, and graduate school and basically had two celebrations for everything....I wasn't about to do the same for my wedding, my mother, step-father, father, and step-mother co-hosted our wedding, I sat them all down (separatly) and basically told them that we were all adults and it was time for one day, two at the most to put their children's feelings ahead of their own and that there would only be discomfort if they caused it....no matter how much I love my mother and wouldn't want her to be uncomfortable, I couldn't ask my father not to attend and vice versa.

I don't know what your specific circumstances are but maybe if the planning together is too much to bear you could agree upon a budget and split duties or have your step-son help with the planning process....

Heather · #4 05-22-2006, 09:10 PM

Hi Katlady, welcome to Pash.

You and your husband (and the Mom) need to really, really set aside the animosity for the sake of your stepson. His Mom should absolutely be at the rehearsal dinner. No question about it, regardless of who is hosting. She is the Mother of the Groom, which is an important role. She should be at all pre-wedding activities & events.

You still don't have to socialize with her. You can set it up in a less intimate setting where people may wander around with appetizers, etc. You wouldn't have to talk to her at all.

Edited to Add: Just saw the above posts, we must all have been posting at the same time, lol. You could definitely do it in a formal setting with assigned seating as well.

Good luck, and keep us posted...

feb-bride · #5 05-22-2006, 09:11 PM

Do you really think it would be proper to leave the step-son's own MOTHER out of the rehearsal dinner? IMO, that would be terribly rude. I understand that your husband and her don't get along, but there's no proper way to exclude the MOG from the rehearsal dinner, regardless of who pays for it.

I don't know if you have any children, but if you do, how would you feel if you were left out of the rehearsal dinner because your ex and his wife didn't get along with you?

This is the step-son's wedding. All of the "adults" - you, your husband, and the ex - need to "suck it up" for his sake. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but I'm speaking from experience (my parents are divorced; dad is remarried and mom is not).

Marge129 · #6 05-22-2006, 09:23 PM

Ditto to what everyone else said.

SuzyBride · #7 05-22-2006, 09:29 PM

I know the kind of situation you are facing.. My in laws do not get along.. at all! They were both still at the rehearsal dinner, as I think they should have been. My father in law, his parents, brother, sister in law and their son all sat together. My mother in law, her mom, her brother, neice, and a friend all sat at another table across the room from each other. It worked out. I know it is difficult, but this is a major moment in your step sons life and he deserves both of his parents to be there and be supportive of him and his wife to be regardless of their feelings toward each other. They do not even have to acknowledge each other, but they both should be present. Period.

ljeagle · #8 05-23-2006, 05:21 AM

I dislike my dh x-wife but there would be no way I would leave her out of a important event for your SS wedding.

I agree with ladedah! you are all adults and can make this work.

If u would do a formal dinner then u can be at different ends of the room. If it would be a back yard thing u might end up facing each other some time through out the night. If you do come face to face smile and walk the other way. If something is said wait till every one leaves and then say your peace if you must.

Jodyangel · #9 05-23-2006, 12:42 PM

Yep. I agree with all the posts above. And I've been in that mothers place and believe Me its Not a nice place to be! When my son was getting ready last fall to get married; my ex stated to him that my present husband was Not to be invited. This put my son in a very uncomfortable spot and he was saying to me, Mom what do I do? His father stated that if we came together HE would not attend. My son wanted us all to be there. I really was upset and twisted until I made a decision and stuck to it. I called up my son and just told him that we were Both coming. That we would Not attend without both of us there and if his father had a problem with that, well then it was His problem. He would have to decide if He couldnt handle us all being there together.
His father shut up and came and most of the wedding went off well. He did come up to us sitting in the pew after the wedding and say to my hubby, "so I see you f"ing got your way SCUM"..and walked away. That really was ugly but it made Him ugly..so we didnt care. Now my daughters getting married and I see the same situation coming. So I already spoke with her about it and said if he started saying similiar things to her for her to tell him that He needed to call us if he had a problem. I said we WILL be there.
Its really sad when a person cant let go of their own hate and discomfort for their childs most special day; their wedding.

Heather · #10 05-23-2006, 02:17 PM

Well said Jodyangel.

katlady · #11 05-23-2006, 06:07 PM

Thanks to all of you who gave input. I know it sounded from my post that I was hoping to get out of inviting the ex and her husband. But I do realize the importance the groom's own mother. Since we are planning to have it in a restaurant, I like the idea of having tables prearranged.

I'm sure it will be awkward for her also (although I have no sympathy as she has made her own bed), but I certainly don't anticipate any nasty comments from anyone. My husband and I will be solely paying for the dinner as she always pleads poverty, which we know for a fact is not the case.

birdie · #12 05-23-2006, 06:11 PM

Speaking from the child's point of view, absolutely get over your feelings towards the ex's and just deal with it. I'm bitter about this one so I apologize if I come across rudely. My father refuses to be in the same room with my mom and if they happen to meet by chance, he and his wife (who is very rude to my mom, my sister, and I) leave immediately. I can't mention the word "Mom" to my father because he just gets this horrible look on his face and changes the subject. It's a horrible situation to be in as the kid in the middle of all of it. I'm just scared about my wedding for these specific reasons. (My mom tries to be nice to my dad but he just ignores her.)

Please, get over it for the sake of your stepson. He needs all of you there and all of you there in a GOOD mood. If you do run into them socially, say I'm so glad you could come. I'm sure it means the world to stepson's name". Just be civil, at the least. How his parents and step-parents act towards one another should not be a worry of your stepson on his wedding day.

Again, I apologize if I came across rudely but I really can't stress how hard it is on the kids no matter how old they are.

katlady · #13 05-23-2006, 06:28 PM

Jill:
I was still reading posts when I saw your new one. You are not rude at all, just truthful and I appreciate that. Bottom line is this is about the bride and groom and we all need to do our part to make sure it's a happy day and not stressful. I'm sorry that you will have to worry about your parents and how they will deal with each other during your wedding parties and the big day. That's the last thing you should be thinking about.

Complicated Woman · #14 05-23-2006, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katlady

Bottom line is this is about the bride and groom and we all need to do our part to make sure it's a happy day and not stressful. I'm sorry that you will have to worry about your parents and how they will deal with each other during your wedding parties and the big day. That's the last thing you should be thinking about.

Your stepson is lucky that you feel this way! I know my mother will be difficult with the whole divorce thing, and my FFIL as well. We're not even going to have "immediate family" photos because it's just too complicated and frustrating.