I am not Mrs. my husband!!! - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

SuzyBride · #1 12-02-2005, 07:58 PM

I just got a letter in the mail from my grandmother. It was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Josh last name. Is it weird that I feel left out?! I don't see myself as Mrs. my husband. I am Mrs. Suzanne, not Mrs. Josh, ya know? Don't get me wrong, I love being married and I love using my new last name, I just don't want my first to get lost in the mix. Like, I even made it a point to not blow out our individual tapers during our unity candle ceremony, because I don't like the idea of symbolizing us losing our individual lives, I feel like we are adding to not taking away... I don't know, Am I making any sense at all!??!

cru5h · #2 12-02-2005, 08:09 PM

I'm with ya!

I'm not fond of the Mrs. Husband's First and Last Name either. I would never address someone like that. It's a little too old fashioned for my flavor.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #3 12-02-2005, 08:11 PM

Grandma's just using old school etiquette. That's the "proper" way to address the envelope. But you don't have to give up your identity just because you're married. You're still Suzy!!

Think of back in the day when people were SPOKEN to by their husband's name: I'm Mrs. John Smith!! Now THAT's losing your identity! Grandma still calls you Suzy, right?

Lizbet · #4 12-02-2005, 08:16 PM

I know what you're saying. But, you have to remember that for your Grandmother that's how it worked. If she addressed an envelope to Mrs. Suzanne Husband'sLastName, in her mind she is addressing it to a divorced woman. Ettiquette-wise, even widows are addressed as Mrs. Hubby Husband'sLastName. I understand that's not how many people see it nowadays. But, your Grandma was doing the proper thing with addressing the letter as she did.

If you feel so strongly about this, you should discuss it with your family and your in-laws. But, if it were me, I'd let Grandma do what she wants because the only person that can cause me to lose my identity is me. It's something you have to let happen. (I'm not saying it's the easiest thing to do, keep true to yourself. In fact sometimes it's horribly difficult. But, it's your responsibility.) I'ts not something an envelope from Grandma will affect, unless, in your own head, you let it.

I hope that came across right. I'm not trying to lecture or anything. This is a lesson I learned during my first marriage, so I wanted to try to pass my thoughts along.

SuzyBride · #5 12-02-2005, 08:25 PM

My immediate family and my MIL knows for sure this is how I am. My MIL is the same way. My grandma is just old school, I know... It just kinda hit me in the stomach KWIM? I know she will continue to address it that way, and thats fine, but its the first time I have been addressed that way. I don't think I could have survived back in the day!! I am way too independent and opinionated.. I would have been shunned!

The same grandma ordered me some stationary with what she thought was my initials on it. SSW is what she ordered, but I am CSW. I dropped my old last name and kept my first and middle cause I go by my middle name. That kinda rubbed me the wrong way too. She just assumed I was keeping my last name and didn't even ask... I dunno, maybe I am just being really sensitive about the whole thing..

UCF_bride · #6 12-05-2005, 12:36 AM

coming in late here, but i totally agree.....you two have become one unit, but you also have to retain your own identities....i'm not going to go by Mrs. Josh Teets ...but rather Mrs. Angie Teets....so goo ahead...don't feell bad about wanting to keep your name...

Kim&Bob2004 · #7 12-05-2005, 04:56 AM

I don't mind it when I get letters addressed to Mr and Mrs Hubby's name and our last name. Or even if I get a letter addressed Mrs. Bob Our last name.... I even address formal invites or even non-formal invites to couple in the "proper" way. When you sent wedding invites to couples how did you address them? I am very happy to be Mrs. Bob Our Last Name. But everyone is different. I am just old fashioned that way I guess.

If it bothers you, just politely let people know, and don't sign anything Mr and Mrs Josh and your last name. Sign everything Josh and Suzy Bride Last Name. Get folks into the habit of seeing them separate. Hope that helps some. Good thing to start with is the Christmas Cards!

ljeagle · #8 12-05-2005, 05:29 AM

I just finished our Christmas cards and I'm feeling bad now. I address all them the way u are talking about. I never really thought about it b-4. I have always wrote out invites as Mr. and Mrs. his first then last name and family. I can't change all of our Christmas cards now I have worked really hard to get them perfect. I'll have to remember this when it comes to our wedding invites...

Complicated Woman · #9 12-05-2005, 03:22 PM

ljeagle, don't feel bad, it's all a matter of taste and I'm sure there are lots of people who don't mind it. I personally look forward to being Mrs. Tom last name, though I can understand why someone might not like it, ultimately I'm sure it isn't that big a deal.

Though Suzy, I do agree in that I don't really like the symbol of the unity candle. Not that I don't like unity...I just think that having a good relationship is less about extinguishing individuality and more about learning to serve the other individual. If it wouldn't be totally weird and freak out my FILs, I would have LOVED to have a foot washing ceremony as a part of our wedding...because I think you have to be able to serve each other.

Now I'm rambling. I'm so spaced out.

TheaterDiva1 · #10 12-05-2005, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kim&Bob2004

When you sent wedding invites to couples how did you address them?

I felt funny doing it with friends my age, but I went "old school" on wedding invites ("Mr. & Mrs. John Smith" on outer envelopes, but "John & Mary Smith" on inner envelopes). That's the only time I've ever done that.

I also get birthday cards and the like from older relatives addressed to "Mrs. Husbandname Lastname." I don't really mind, knowing where they come from.

labeadel · #11 12-05-2005, 06:38 PM

I did all of my wedding invitations the old fashioned way, although I would never do that in regular stuff. On Christmas cards, I'm sending them to Jane and Tom Smith, not Mr. or Mrs. Smith or Mr. & Mrs. Tom Smith. I agree in keeping our identities, but unless this were on a much larger scale, I wouldn't let it bother you. Especially when it's coming from a woman from an older generation.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #12 12-05-2005, 07:02 PM

Yeah, I don't think grandma is trying to be oppressive!

I think the bigger issue is that some people DO lose their identities in relationships. I think women tend to do this more than men: That they think only in "we" (not "I") and they give up their friends and all activities they used to do by themselves, etc. They think everything needs to involve BOTH of them and they forget about the person they were outside of the relationship. I know I was like that (cause I was codependent!

) and I know a lot of friends who are like that, too. It's pretty dangerous to feel like your identity is wrapped up in another person--which is why the concept of "the other half" is pretty destructive, according to books I've read. It makes people believe they're not a "whole" unless they have another person to meld their life with. You need to be a "whole" individually to have a healthy relationship. Not that this really has to do with addressing envelopes. But I can see why it would be a fear to lose one's identity, and seeing your name taken from you like that could make one question their individuality in the relationship and take a stand for oneself.

555Ann555 · #13 12-05-2005, 07:03 PM

I normally send out letters addressed that way, I think it looks too cold or impersonal to just have Mr & Mrs Smith, maybe Josh's Gandma felt the same way. Or maybe she tought it wouldn't look nice with both of your names on the envelope. Or maybe she thought you'd like to be addressed that way, but I'm sure whatever she did think it wasn't meant to rub you up the wrong way! I understand your problem with it but I'd try to let it go...

SuzyBride · #14 12-05-2005, 07:32 PM

I addressed my invites to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, but just because thats how I know these people. I think that it just kind of hit me since it was the first time I have been addressed this way. I know my Mimi meant nothing by it, she is just miss proper and always will be! And thats fine.

LJ- don't feel bad. I don't think most people mind and really I don't mind that much either, its just the first time I had been addressed this way and it caught me off guard.

CW- I know what you mean about the unity candle. I like the idea of symbolizing two coming together as one, but not if it means giving up my individual life, which is what is represented by blowing out the taper. Thats why I refused!

We lit the center, but kept our tapers lit too.

MTGH- I also don't like the 'other half' thing. It really makes it seem that you can't be whole without someone else. I just don't buy into that!

Kim&Bob2004 · #15 12-08-2005, 02:53 AM

We didn't do the unity candle either. What we did instead was a signing of the family Bible, the joining of two into a family and families are full of idividuals all sharing a common goal. I think the foot washing would be wonderful. I wanted something similar but the pastor that married us only didn't believe in what I wanted done so the family Bible signing was basically given to him as a request at the last minute.

munchkin · #16 12-08-2005, 03:01 AM

For my invites I plan on writing "Mr. and Mrs. Tom and Jane Smith." I really dislike the whole "Mrs. Tom Smith" idea, and would feel hypocritical to write it that way on a wedding invitation.

PlanetClaire · #17 12-08-2005, 03:35 AM

It IS strange though, isn't it..to sort of become another person. My brother and sil always said that they were not "2 becoming 1" but rather "2 becoming a 3rd" In the sense that they are both individuals but their union brings them into a third sort of identity.

God that sounded goofy! It sounds so much better when they tell it!!

I don't know whether to keep my last name or not. I have had that name for 42 years and am not sure that I want to give it up. But I certainly do not want a hyphenated name. Apologies to any one who has taken that route, but to me it sounds pretentious.

munchkin · #18 12-08-2005, 03:38 AM

lol, I am keeping my last name professionally, but will be Mrs. Lam personally and legally.

Jennifer · #19 01-30-2006, 10:35 PM

My DH gets this a lot "Oh you are Jennifer's husband". He hates it. I mean, he's proud and all...but most people know him b/c of me. But the thing is...we go to a huge church..where I happen to work. So everyone knew me first. When we go to his parent's church...they consider me the other way.

But I don't mind being Mr and Mrs Husband. I'm old school like that. LOL

deputysgurl · #20 01-30-2006, 11:57 PM

Don't worry jen, Im old fashioned as well. I got a Christmas card this year that was addressed
Mrs. Matt MCC.
Were not even married yet. I actually like the idea of being Mrs. Matt Mcc.

gymrat · #21 01-31-2006, 01:43 AM

Sometimes it annoys me. It mostly annoys me when the mail is just for me. I do not mind so much when it is for both of us.

My address labels say Mrs. my first name with married name even though I believe that is how a woman who is widowed I think is suppose to have it.

feb-bride · #22 01-31-2006, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gymrat

My address labels say Mrs. my first name with married name even though I believe that is how a woman who is widowed I think is suppose to have it.

Actually, if you're going by traditional etiquette, that's how a divorced woman would write out her name. A widow would be "Mrs. John Doe" and a divorcee would be "Mrs. Jane Doe."

SuzyBride · #23 01-31-2006, 04:35 PM

I always thought, and I guess people around here do too, that if you are divorced you change the Mrs. to Ms.. Most people where I am from take back their maiden names too unless children are involved. My MIL took back her maiden name and children were involved though.

feb-bride · #24 01-31-2006, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuzyBride

I always thought, and I guess people around here do too, that if you are divorced you change the Mrs. to Ms.. Most people where I am from take back their maiden names too unless children are involved. My MIL took back her maiden name and children were involved though.

Not if you're going by traditional etiquette - traditional etiquette does not recognize "Ms." as a title.

SuzyBride · #25 01-31-2006, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

Not if you're going by traditional etiquette - traditional etiquette does not recognize "Ms." as a title.

LOL Well that explains it!! Most people where I am from don't really know what etiquette is!

Also, I just got something in the mail from my dad.. addressed to Mrs. Josh.. hmm, guess I need to talk to dad about that! LOL