Meeting FMIL for first time tomorrow-any advice? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

newatthis · #1 05-14-2006, 11:37 PM

HI! I am meeting FMIL for the first time tomorrow and I am really nervous. He is FMIL's only child and I know that she didn't like his last long term girlfriend because she treated him badly. I also know that FH has tried to get me to meet FMIL before for dinner twice and each time she said she didn't have enough food, but I think there was more to it, because FH talked very quickly when he told me this and he didn't look me in the eye, so I think something is up. Like I said, any advice?

DragonYoga · #2 05-14-2006, 11:46 PM

Hmmm. I'd say just smile and be your own sweet self, and don't give her any reason to be snotty towards you. As long as you stay sweet and let any nasty comments/actions roll off your back (which will be tough as heck), your FH will see this and side with you. Sneaky, maybe a little manipulative even, but trust me it works. As long as you're nothing but angelic and obviously in love and respects your FH (which I'm sure is true of you and how you feel about him), she will either have to shut up and change how she views you, or regret it later.

*HUGS* Wishing you the best!

Heather · #3 05-15-2006, 12:21 AM

I agree with DragonYoga. Just be cordial, respectful, and be yourself. It's always scary meeting your FMIL for the first time. I used to get nervous meeting the Moms of my regular ol' boyfriends. I was a wall-flower which was just awful, until I got a little older.

Your FMIL may simply be protective of him, especially if she couldn't stand his previous girlfriend. She may be hard on you at first but knowing how much you love her son, and vice/versa, will probably thaw her out over time.

Good luck and welcome to Pash!

(Oh, and if it goes horribly, we're here to vent to too!)

swtdl11552 · #4 05-15-2006, 04:06 AM

I too agree with the other girls - just be honest, cordial and yourself. Regardles of whether she is "over" protective or not...it is her son, you are her future daughter in law - so be YOU and its up to her if she's going to love you and respect you the same way her son does or not. If not, I absolutely hope you have a man who will *reasonably* stand up for himself & you (and your relationship) if she is acting unreasonably!!

Good luck sunshine. You're going to be great, don't worry!!

ljeagle · #5 05-15-2006, 04:13 AM

Be your self don't try to be something your not. Welcome to PASH!

labeadel · #6 05-15-2006, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ljeagle

Be your self don't try to be something your not. Welcome to PASH!

Ditto.

When I first met my FIL, he really started teasing me and calling me by the wrong name to see how I would handle it. I just gave it right back to him and showed him that he didn't scare me! And I know that he totally respected me more for it, for not letting him get to me. Now, I know this is a different situation, but mothers do the same thing, but in a different way. Just stand your ground (in a respectful way) if she tries to intimidate you. She'll respect you for it in the end.

munchkin · #7 05-15-2006, 11:23 PM

everyone has given you great advice so far, but I have one other thing to add. Dress appropriately. People do make judgements based on what someone is wearing, so you don't want to give her any ammunition. When I met my FFIL, I was wearing jeans and a nice button down shirt. I had no desire to dress up for him, but I wasn't going to give the wrong impression of myself and come in wearing an itsy bitsy tank top, mini skirt and stilettos.
Obviously you aren't going to dress like that, but unfortunately I've had to remind some of my friends about that when they go to meet their inlaws.

passionforfashion · #8 05-16-2006, 12:37 AM

Munchkin, I can relate. I have a friend who loves to wear her stilettos's and figure hugging skirts and sweaters. Not exactly FMIL wear. I told her she needed to tone it down and told me that she thought the whole point of meeting your in-laws was to be yourself and why should she dress differently?

newatthis · #9 05-16-2006, 03:41 AM

FMIL stood us up. We went there, knocked on her door. She never answered the door. What's even worse is that FH found out from his cousin that FMIL was indeed home. I am so hurt at this and very worried-this is not a good sign.

Heather · #10 05-16-2006, 03:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newatthis

FMIL stood us up. We went there, knocked on her door. She never answered the door. What's even worse is that FH found out from his cousin that FMIL was indeed home. I am so hurt at this and very worried-this is not a good sign.

Oh my goodness are you kidding me? Why on earth would she do such a thing?

Alright - listen up.

This is totally not your issue - and it's all hers. Make sure FH expresses how upsetting it was, not to mention rude.

I'm really sorry that this milestone turned into a wreck.

Has your FH called to talk with her?

newatthis · #11 05-16-2006, 04:04 AM

He got off the phone w/her an hour ago. He was really tightlipped, wouldn't tell me what she said and looked really upset and pale. He went over to talk to her. I don't know what to do. I just got off the phone w/my mom, who had some very choice words to say about FMIL.

Heather · #12 05-16-2006, 04:08 AM

Oh boy... At least he's going to talk with her. Hopefully he'll be able to thaw her out once she realizes how important you are to him. I will be thinking of you tonight and hope all goes well. We're here for you...

swtdl11552 · #13 05-16-2006, 04:21 AM

Please....at some point IMO you need to make sure your FH knows that everything from here on out is "WE" - of course not issues that may stem between the two of them from childhood....but in general - "Mom, WE were very disappointed that you chose to act the way you did. WE hope in the future you will consider our feelings before you act like that."

Awwww so sorry....I hope it all works through!!

newatthis · #14 05-16-2006, 05:25 AM

I don't know if I am more hurt or angry. My mom is angry as hell at my FMIL and I am beginning to be that way as well. My mom sent me an email-she has a horrible relationship with my dad's mom-my dad's mom cried all during their wedding and wore black. Mom basically said that if I find that I can't have good relationship w/FMIL, that I should think long and hard about marrying FH, because she knows firsthand how an awful FMIL relationship can impact a marriage and I have to say my mom is right-I remember my FMIL being godawful to my mom and my dad having to always defend her. But on the other hand, maybe FMIl was just nervous. I don't know, all kinds of stuff is going through my head-none of it good.

ljeagle · #15 05-16-2006, 05:42 AM

I don't get along with my MIL (It just kills me every time I have to call her MIL) but there is no way in hell I would of let her come in the middle of me marring Kenny. I'm not taking up for her cause what she is doing is not right. Just try to look at it from the other direction. Her son has planned on marring a lady that she know es nothing about. Maybe she is hurt that he has chosen to marry you with out her input. I don't know it could be a number of things. If I was U I would just show up at her door one night when u two know she is home. All she can say is leave but I don't think she will turn her son away.

newatthis · #16 05-16-2006, 05:57 AM

But we already showed up at her door and she did turn us away! And honestly, why would FMIL need or even get FMIL's input on his marriage choice? I wasn't aware this was the Middle Ages. People marry people their parents don't know well all the time. I mean we are both adults-we are both 29. Sorry, I don't mean to yell, but FH isn't back yet and I am upset.

ljeagle · #17 05-16-2006, 06:03 AM

Please don't think I'm taking up for her I just try to look at it both ways I have did the same thing with my MIL. This is her little boy even if he is 29 it's her baby and will always be in her eyes. Do u think she could be mad that he didn't ask her approval first. I know this has to be hard on your fh and your self. It's no fun when u are the person they don't even want to give a chance. I'm sorry you are going through this. Another way to fix this is just lay back and let her chose when she wants to face u .

newatthis · #18 05-16-2006, 06:17 AM

I just don't understand. Why should he have to ask her approval? It is his decision. Not hers. She raised him to make decisions on his own. It is his life. I don't understand why she would feel that way. God, now I am so depressed.

ljeagle · #19 05-16-2006, 06:23 AM

Please don't get your self depressed over this. That might not even be the reason that is something u might not ever know the answer to. I know u are upset I cried my self to sleep many nights over my MIL. It don't help the problem is still there when u get up the next morning. This is something she has to get over not u. I know u want to get to know her and learn more about the family but step back let it happen u don't want to push her away even more. My dh is 38 and his mother still thinks she need to make his decisions.

DragonYoga · #20 05-16-2006, 12:43 PM

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Sooner or later, I'll have to meet my FMIL, and I've only said "hi" to her ONCE, at my FH's birthday party. She said "hi" back and went straight to the computer. *shrug* My policy will be, let it be. Whatever may fall, I won't let this affect me or my relationship with my FH.

Go take a nice long bubblebath, complete with soft music and candles, and just relax. She can't be forced - she's an adult too, and very set in her ways apparently! I'm just confused about one thing - did she invite the 2 of you over to her house then stand you 2 up, OR was it your FH's idea to go visit? Cuz if it was the 1st, I'd be wondering what's up with her.

But I agree with some of the others - could be she's not ready to see her baby (in her mind, probably still in diapers) toddling down the aisle.

And, remember hun, it's HER problem, not yours. Play it cool and remember this is a new beginning for the two of you - a new life together.

OK I'm sounding preachy....*steps down from soapbox and scoots off*

feb-bride · #21 05-16-2006, 03:41 PM

First off - Ladies (and Steve!), if we're all still around when my sons get married someday, SHOOT ME if I act like some of these FMILs/MILs. I cannot imagine treating my son's girlfriends/fiancees/wives like this, so remind me of that if I ever start acting this way.

newatthis: I cannot believe that she was so rude. Has your fiance' told you what the issue was? Don't let him NOT tell you. I had issues with my MIL (years ago). My husband wouldn't tell me specifically what she said, but suffice to say that she and I didn't speak for YEARS. Now, things are much better, but to this day I don't know exactly what the issue was (though I do have my suspicions), and it still bothers me at times.

ladedah · #22 05-16-2006, 05:40 PM

I am so sorry that this is happening to you, and I know first hand how hard it is to just let something go that is her issue and not yours!!....I would also say that your FH needs to let you in as to what is going on so that the two of you can move on together....

maroki13 · #23 05-16-2006, 05:45 PM

I agree with the other ladies. FH needs to tell you what the two of them talked about, since you are both in this together. He may be not telling you out of the mindset that he is 'protecting' you, but in reality he is probably making you more stressed and worried.

Also, I'm sorry you are going through this with your FMIL. It is horrible that she wouldn't answer the door when you stood outside with FH.

Let us know how it went and what they talked about!! And remember, you can come to us to vent anytime.

newatthis · #24 05-16-2006, 05:52 PM

FMIL and FH both agreed to a set time for the meeting. The worst part of all this-FH is meeting my parents this weekend and they know what happened with FMIL. I vented to my mom -she is my best friend-and although they would never judge or hold against him his mother's actions, I do know that they have a few choice words and opinions on and for FMIL. I know I might have been wrong to say something to my family, but my mom already knew I was scheduled to meet FH's mom and I know she would have asked how the meeting went when FH meets her and my dad. Anyway, FH and I talked this morning-he got in after I fell asleep last night. Basically, he asked if we could reschedule for next month. He said she will be ready then. I know something else is going on, but I don't want to push it, but I feel I am not on an equal playing field.

maroki13 · #25 05-16-2006, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Basically, he asked if we could reschedule for next month.

He asked if you could reschedule your meeting with his mother for next month? Or he asked if he could reschedule the meeting with your parents for next month?

I still believe that he should tell you what is going on, because what you are thinking is possibly worse than the actual situation. Ask him to tell you what the problem seems to be so you can work through the situation together, instead of him being the liason between you and his mother, putting the burden on his shoulders and probably stressing him out.