FMIL totally uninterested in our wedding - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

passionforfashion · #1 05-09-2006, 08:37 PM

FH and I are getting married in March of next year. FH's sister is getting married 18 months from now. FMIL has totally thrown herself into a tizzy over FSIL's wedding. She has never once asked about the progress of the planning of her son's wedding or taken any interest. I have asked her on numerous occasions if she would like to help out, if there is anything she is interested in. She told me no, she was too busy with her daughter's wedding. I asked her to come help me select my bridal gown-I would have loved the company-my mom is recovering from invasive cancer surgery and isn't able to really help out. FMIL told me that I wouldn't look as good in my gown as her daughter will. The kicker is this: we all live in the same small town-that means there are a limited number of vendors. FMIL came to me to ask what vendors I was using. I was thrilled! She was finally showing interest. I was wrong. She wanted to make sure I wasn't using the same ones as her daughter. Well, I am using two and FMIL asked me if I wouldn't mind finding someone else, as she wanted her daughter's wedding to be exclusive. I had it at that point and I blew up on the woman. I told her how much her disinterest had hurt FH and myself and that it felt like I wasn't good enough to be her new daughter. She looked at me for a second and told me I had a mom. WTF? This woman has no feelings. I told FH this and he had it out with his mom. I think we may disinvite her to the wedding and on top of that, I feel such resentment toward FH's sister over this.

Complicated Woman · #2 05-09-2006, 08:40 PM

Wow -- that sounds a lot less like she's disinterested and more like she is purposely trying to insult and put down your wedding. I'm really sorry to hear that. I don't really have any advice, just a

for you and your FH. This must be really, really hurtful.

Steph · #3 05-09-2006, 08:44 PM

Welcome to the group. I am sorry to hear that your FMIL is throwing rude comments your way. She could have left it at that she wasn't interested in helping plan your wedding. She didn't need to say hurtful things to you.

Complicated Woman · #4 05-09-2006, 08:45 PM

Oh yeah, and welcome to Pash!

ladedah · #5 05-09-2006, 09:44 PM

Wow, that really is hurtful!!! I could see how maybe she has the ideology that you and your mother would want to plan "your" wedding as maybe she feels that she wouldn't want to share with your FSIL's grooms mother (not that I agree with that), but to ask not to use the same vendors is purely evil and I would be hurt too....so sorry you're having to deal with this, and sorry to hear about your own mothers health concerns. oh, and welcome!!

Sh@ks18 · #6 05-09-2006, 09:53 PM

Welcome to pash

I'd say be civil when you see her but dont talk to her about anything related to the wedding.

How does FH's sister act with you?

Robyn Lynn · #7 05-09-2006, 10:05 PM

Welcome to Pash

Don't disinvite your FMIL to the wedding, but don't ask her to help with any of the planning, either.

I'm sorry about the rude comments. Try to keep contact with her at a minimum.

It sounds as if your FH is very attentive to your concerns. That is wonderful (but hopefully he will not fight with his mom anymore!!

)

It sounds as if your FSIL is getting married after you? Well, if you are using the same vendors, your FMIL can see what you have done at your wedding and make sure they do not do the same thing!! Even if they do, no one is really going to care. People will probably expect some similarities as it is a small town and they probably will have seen the same things at other weddings!!! I'm not sure how exclusive your FSIL's wedding can be

Keep us posted on your plans!!

syringa · #8 05-10-2006, 12:51 AM

To me, her actions indicate jealousy and perhaps a long-standing rivalry between your FH and his sister. When they were growing up, did mom perhaps pit sister against brother? I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I agree with Shaks18. Be civil to her but don't share your wedding plans with her. Obviously, she isn't interested unless she can sabatogue them.

passionforfashion · #9 05-10-2006, 01:12 AM

Growing up, there was no rivalry between FH and his sister. They treated exactly the same. I think that FMIL has an issue w/me for whatever reason. As far as my relationship w/FSIL, it was never close, but always cordial.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #10 05-10-2006, 01:39 AM

Hmm. We're used to hearing brides complain about FMIL's who are "too involved" for their liking. I'm sorry your FMIL is so cruel to you. How horrible with everything you're dealing with with your mother's cancer surgery! It sounds like you really need your FMIL's support--and she's not only not giving it to you, she's telling you you already have a mom, without giving you any support for what your mother is going through! I can understand why you're upset. Before writing her off, I would either talk to her or ask your FH to talk to her about how hurt you're feeling. It's possible that she doesn't just "get" how much she's hurting you. This might seem off-topic, but was the FSIL engaged first or is she older than your FH? Either one of those things is enough for a mother to be "protective" of her daughter's wedding as being #1. Also, if you're going the traditional route of bride's parents hosting the affairs, she might feel her daughter's is "her" wedding to show off and view your wedding (i.e., "your parents'" wedding) as a competition that she has to out-do. Yes, people are weird like that!

ljeagle · #11 05-10-2006, 02:48 AM

I dislike my MIL (

I have to call her that now) and she never had any thing nice to say about the planning of the wedding. I just stopped talking to her about it and if she ask questions I would look at Kenny for him to answer it. Don't not invite her to the wedding she is your fh mother and no matter what she will always be. One thing I have always heard is a daughter is a daughter 4-ever and a son is only a son till he takes a wife. Maybe she is looking at it this way and is scared to lose her son. That still is not a good reason to talk to you like that. I would just stop talking to her about it and leave her out from all the planning. It's hard belive me I know! But my MIL was a pure you know what for the last 6 months but with in the last 2 weeks she has opened her eyes and seen it wasn't a dream and she had to get over it.

Welcome to PASH!

lucky7 · #12 05-10-2006, 04:50 AM

That sucks. I can't really help though. I would have let her have it. Some people can be real penors. I say kick her. No, not really, let your FH handle it. But not to the point where it drives a wedge between them [if they are vlose]. I'm glad that he has the balls to stand up for you though.

Heather · #13 05-10-2006, 05:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucky7

Some people can be real penors.

What's a penor?

I just want to say welcome to the group, and I'm so sorry your FMIL is behaving this way. I want to add that you're handling it much better than I would, but I wouldn't disinvite her either. I would also ease up on FSIL. She may be reveling in MIL's attention, but I wouldn't hold her responsible for MIL's actions.

You're doing the right thing by letting your FH handle her.

As you can probably already see, we're here for you whenever you need to vent, or to share any planning milestones. We like the good stuff too!

swtdl11552 · #14 05-10-2006, 05:29 AM

Why don't you just have a Soprano themed wedding..in keeping with the theme..put a hit out on her arse.

JUST KIDDING..

The advice these girls give is priceless. This is your FH's husbands mother and therefore its his axe to grind. Instead of him supporting you through this (which its great that he's been so awesome about it so far) - let him deal with it, and you be supportive to him. That stinks for both of you!! And, I pray that your Mom's surgery was successful..I will keep her in my prayers! Maybe you can focus on her a bit more - show her pictures of the things you are planning? Maybe make a mini scrapbook just for her, so she can feel a part of it a little more - if she is even feeling up to that yet!

Good luck with everything & welcome to Pash!

maroki13 · #15 05-10-2006, 05:34 AM

Welcome to Pash! I'm sorry to hear your FMIL isn't making the wedding planning process easy or fun. I don't have any extra advice on top of what the other ladies have said, but if you are looking for another place/people to bounce wedding ideas off of, you've come to a great place. Everyone here is very resourceful and has great ideas!

ETA: Remember, you haven't done anything wrong and there is nothing wrong with you that makes her treat you this way. This is her issue; not yours.

feb-bride · #16 05-10-2006, 07:19 AM

First - I am really sorry to hear about what you're going through with your mom.

Second - Does your FMIL realize what your mom (and you) are going through right now? If she does, I cannot believe how horribly mean she is being toward you. She actually had the NERVE to ask you to use different wedding vendors? Who in the *$&#*( does she think she is?

I would not "disinvite" her to the wedding. She is FH's mom, after all, even though she's acting like a wanker. I would follow Shak's advice - be cordial to her, but don't discuss the wedding. Stop asking for her advice or for her to come with you to various wedding-related activities; not only is she uninterested, she's downright hostile about it. Treat her like a "regular" guest - not like a "special" guest. If she tries getting hostile again, end the conversation and let your FH deal with her.

TheaterDiva1 · #17 05-10-2006, 03:24 PM

Ouch! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!

The only explanation I can think of is if she sees you as a threat - like you're taking her son away from her or something like that, and she probably feels no one can possible be good enough for her little boy.

Still, at least your FH is siding with you on this. If there's ever a time to establish a united front, this would be it. I just hope you're not changing your vendors just to keep the peace.

Just curious - what does FSIL say/think of all this? Does your FH have a good relationship with her?

Oh - and welcome to Pash!

Sereniti71 · #18 05-10-2006, 08:21 PM

I guess I don't have any new advice to offer... just a

. The grass is always greener on the other side. Often Mothers In-Law are too involved and others are not involved at all. Either situation can annoy/stress the bride.

At any rate, I would still invite her and would not share any details, as the other women have suggested. The only thing I would have FH discuss with her is her attire, as it should be complimentary to the other colors in the party, and its style should be similar to the style of your Mom's attire.

Speaking of your Mom, I will add her to my prayers too.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

passionforfashion · #19 05-10-2006, 09:45 PM

My FH is slowly getting pissed at FSIL, because he feels, as do I-even though I have never said so-that she is reveling in all the attention and purposefully throwing the details of her wedding and FMIL's involvement in my face. But honestly, just across the board, the female relatives in FH's family are all more excited about FSIL's wedding than mine-not to the extent that FMIL is, but still. I don't understand it. I am beginning to see what my best friend mom means when she says, "There's family and then there's in-laws"

Heather · #20 05-10-2006, 11:22 PM

Well, I think you're both over-reacting to your FSIL. It's really not her fault at all, and I know that for me, I adore my MIL and relished any attention from her, I still do. I really do think of her as my second Mom. I can go to her with anything I need, or just to simply talk about nothing. If my SIL had been planning a wedding the same time that myself and my husband had been planning, I have no doubt that much more attention would have been given to her. I would expect it and respect it. Yes, I think she's being overly mean to you. There's no reason for that behavior at all.

So, I'm out of advice girl. Everyone here pretty much covered it - just ignore her and move on. Don't share details, and do whatever it is you and your FH want to do for your wedding.

birdie · #21 05-11-2006, 04:26 PM

I think you should just keep her uninvolved until she makes an effort (an honest one). Should she ask for details to be used against you later, tell her you haven't made final decisions yet. Just send her a regular ole' invitation when the time comes and she can make the choice whether or not to be involved on the day of the wedding. She will be the one to regret it later--you've tried to involve her in the process.

If it becomes too much to bear, try again. Ask her to have a cup of coffee with you and try to discuss how difficult it is for you to plan a wedding with your mom recovering and how her input would really mean a lot.

I don't know, I'm sorry. I wish I could help more

passionforfashion · #22 05-14-2006, 08:02 PM

Update-we booked church and reception hall. FMIL doesn't know-I am taking your advice not to share any major details. Anyway, I was feeling good about all of this until I was on another board and there was a thread about tipping the minister. I have never heard of this-how much do you give?

Heather · #23 05-14-2006, 08:55 PM

I can't really help with this one. We had a friend become ordained so he could marry us. It was his gift to us, however we gave him $250 after the ceremony as a thank you and a tip. It did cost him money to get ordained, and he spent a pretty penny finishing his dress kilt outfit for us.

I know some of the girls have asked this same question so I'm sure someone can help you out.

breezy · #24 05-14-2006, 09:10 PM

from what I've read the typical tip is $75-250 if they do not charge a fee. Closer to $100 tip if they do charge a fee for services.

ljeagle · #25 05-14-2006, 10:41 PM

We gave ours $100 but he sent $50 back to us telling us that was to much. I guess it is all on what people do in your area. Figure out how far they will have to drive and how much time they have to spend.