My Future In-Laws - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

uNF_Rena · #1 05-08-2006, 08:13 PM

I love my FH, and he is a great guy. The kind of guy I never knew exsisted.. sweet, kind, and not very macho. He is 100 % man, but he isnt a dominating person. Infact Theo hates conflict, to the point that the problem has to bug him more then fighting does... which means he rarely fights. He has learned to communicate to me, and I can tell when I irritate him and it all works fine. However... He isnt so great with his parents. They live about 6 hours away, and we recently asked if we could buy part of their house from them... Theo lives in a house they own and wants to mortgage part of it so that we would pay the mortgage and own a big part of the house, and then we could live there. But his parents dont believe in living together before marriage. So that was denied.. and that took days of theo not wanting to ask them. Then a week and a half later Theo proposed. That was last wednesday and now its monday.. and everyone else knows we are engaged except his parents. What do I do? He's afraid that they will think we just got engaged so we might be able to live together. If I was on the phone I would stand up to that kind of comment, but theo might not. bah!

It sorta hurts because it feels like he doesnt want to shout it from the rooftop..help!

Serena

P.S. Theo's parents do like me... I'm just not sure if they think we are going to last. But how would they know.. ive met them the total of 12 visits.. which means a couple of days of seeing them..

ladedah · #2 05-08-2006, 08:42 PM

Serena....

I totally relate to this because it is exactly how my DH is with his parents....for example last weekend (at the last minute) my IL's decided to have a family dinner to celebrate two May birthdays and Mothers Day...we already had plans AND he didn't want to go to the family dinner seeings as how we just saw his family the last THREE weekends....so he grumbled to me all week but wouldn't just call and tell them how he feels....he's so afraid they'll be upset. The really hard part is that it annoys the hell out of me...mostly because I and my dynamic with my family is so much different....But I just have to let him deal with it his own way...and he's gotten better at it (believe it or not), so I just keep hoping in time that he won't care so much about what they think. It's really all you can do.....try not to give him too much flak about it.

syringa · #3 05-08-2006, 09:02 PM

Welcome to Pash.

It is not uncommon for parents to disapprove of couples living together before marriage, even after they are engaged, and not all couples live together before the wedding. Since you know that is an issue with your in-laws, you and Theo need to decide what you believe. If you choose to live together, you will know that they may not be supportive of your relationship.

Why not tell them that you are engaged and discuss the wedding plans, at least as much as you know so far, such as date and location. Focus on the wedding and not on your living arrangements unless they bring it up. You have time in future conversations to discuss those issues.

If you would still like to purchase the house, would Theo's parents approve of selling him part of it if he lives there alone until the wedding? You could still decorate the house and help prepare it for when you live there. It seems that you have two choices:
1. live together but not in the house that you want.
2. don't live together until the wedding and have a better chance of getting the house.

Is the house a really good deal and one that you will be happy owning in say 5 years? If so, then accepting the parents terms may not be what you would like but may be best in the long run.

Is there a possibility that the parents really don't want to sell part of the house and this is more about their desire to retain ownership than it is about the two of you?

At this point in your relationship, it would be better if Theo deals with his parents, not you. He is their child and he understands their views and how they communicate. He may not like to argue with them, but he doesn't have to have a confrontation if he approaches them the right way. You, however, as the outsider could be misunderstood by them and that would make matters worse.

uNF_Rena · #4 05-08-2006, 09:04 PM

Well.. Theos parents for sure want us to wait until we are married tolive together. Theo and I believe in living together first. And we dont want to wit a year and 10 months before living together. I could see somewhat that it might work if we waited.. but at the same time.. I dont know.
Its a town house.. 4 bedrooms, and he lives in it alone... mostly in the basement. And his sister technically owns 30,000 of the house.. she needs it for tuition, thats why we would mortgage that part. And we would pay off the rest of it.
My parents have talked about buying something similar for cheap and doing the same thing with theo and I..

he believes that if they wont except us its their problem.. but he is still just says stuff like "oh yeah I know what you mean" when it is completely not his belief. In my family, if I dont want to go to something I tell them. I tell them if i need more room or they tell me if I am being unfair.. its a very close relaxed family. He is always over with me at my parents so he is already a part of the family. I just wish he would tell them that he loves me and that they should accept that he is an adult and will get married and live with someone.

wynelle · #5 05-08-2006, 10:11 PM

I'm not sure I understand how/who owns the house. Is it totally owned by his parents, and your DF lives in it? How would he mortgage out part of it? Is it a duplex where he could do something with half of it?

In terms of his parents, it is not wrong of his parents to say that they do not want you to live there with him prior to the marriage. I'm not saying it is right, just that they have the right to their opinion. Just because you have announced your engagement is probably not going to get them to change their opinions. If they like you, then they will welcome you into the family, but they may not be happy if you live together.

So you have to choose between the two of you living somewhere else together, or maintaining separate residences until marriage.

Right now, he needs to be the one who makes the discussions with the parents, since it is their property, and their choice to sell or not sell.

If they kept the property,would your DF pay rent?

Heather · #6 05-09-2006, 12:55 AM

My MIL wasn't too happy with Mike and I moving in together, but she kept her opinion to herself, kind of, lol. She mentioned it in passing to Mike - something like... do you think this is the best arrangement? or something like that. Mike said yep, he sure does. We were engaged eight months later, to everyone's happiness. He did kind of live with an ex-girlfriend, but it was a big house with a few other people living there too. His Mom didn't like her at all and did not keep her opinion to herself on that one. (That secretly made me feel really good.)

Anyway, my point is that with the engagement, her opinion may not change. When Mike and I visited his parents, even while living together and engaged, we slept in separate rooms. I had no problem with this at all. It's their house and I had/have no problem respecting that. It sounds like your fiance respects that too, so I'm not so sure I would press him on that. He may not agree with it, but he may not feel comfortable asking his parents to compromise their beliefs.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #7 05-09-2006, 02:03 PM

There seems to be two different issues here. The first, I agree with Syringa that perhaps his parents have no intention of selling the house. It would be one thing if they had it for sale and refused to let you guys buy it. But they own it for a reason--perhaps for a retirement investment. They don't have to sell it to you just because they have it. If you two want to purchase your own home, then buy another townhouse.

As for you feeling upset with his communication, realize this is not something that's going to miraculoulsy change because you want it to. THIS is the way he is. Can you accept that?

Quote:

I just wish he would tell them that he loves me and that they should accept that he is an adult and will get married and live with someone.

I see that you're 19. Is your fiance also 19? Not everyone views 19 as an "adult." Yes, "legally" 18 is, but you can't drink until 21, and you can't rent a car until 23. Can you two choose to live together in another house? Absolutely! But you really have no "right" to demanding to live in and/or buy his parents' home. And that's why I point that out. If you're an "adult" and they have to "allow" you to live together. Sure, they can't stop you--but not in their home.

Another issue is the fact that he's not telling his parents that he's engaged to you. Why is that? Is he scared of their reaction?

uNF_Rena · #8 05-09-2006, 07:52 PM

I'm 19 yeah.. in Canada. Which means I can do everything I want to except rent a car at a good price. I also dont like drinking or partying so much. I'm not an average 19 year old who wants to party hardy. Theo is 23, and we have been dating for about 2 years.

His parents own the townhouse, but his sister had made 30,000 and his parents used that money to buy the house. So when the place is sold she gets her money back. His parents bought the house for them to use for when they went through college or university (his parents live 6 hours away in a small town). His sister has moved out because she got a dorm (and the campus changed for her). So we thought (before we knew they were against living together before marriage) that they could mortgage the 30,000 and give it to his sister for tution, and we would pay off the mortgage for them.

I find it frusterating when Theo doesnt communicate well with his parents, but thats because his family is very different from mine. I can accept that this is the way he is, because this is a rare situation. I know it is his relationship and that he has to tell them, but I disagree with how he is going about it. Because if I was a parent I would be so hurt if I found out my kid proposed and they told everyone and waited to tell me last. I just think its not a wise idea. He is frightened that they will think this is just a ploy to get the townhouse, or that they wont be that happy, and that a huge problem will start for the next 10..20 years?

Quote:

Anyway, my point is that with the engagement, her opinion may not change. When Mike and I visited his parents, even while living together and engaged, we slept in separate rooms. I had no problem with this at all. It's their house and I had/have no problem respecting that. It sounds like your fiance respects that too, so I'm not so sure I would press him on that. He may not agree with it, but he may not feel comfortable asking his parents to compromise their beliefs.

Oh trust me I push for the respect thing more then he does. I would never sleep in the same room at his parents house.. just like I would never ever in a billion years do anything sexual in my parents house. Even if I was married. But I respect his parents. It is their house, and Theo does pay rent. Knowing that they dont agree with living together before marriage, I dont think I could live in that house even if they let us.

Quote:

I see that you're 19. Is your fiance also 19? Not everyone views 19 as an "adult." Yes, "legally" 18 is, but you can't drink until 21, and you can't rent a car until 23. Can you two choose to live together in another house? Absolutely! But you really have no "right" to demanding to live in and/or buy his parents' home. And that's why I point that out. If you're an "adult" and they have to "allow" you to live together. Sure, they can't stop you--but not in their home.

I never said I have a right to demand to live in the house or buy it. I dont have that right... I love his parents they are very very nice people and for the most part everything is a ok. This post is more about my FH and his relationship with his parents involving me. I wish he would stick up for me, and not in a fighting sort of way.. But I wish he could just say these words "We believe in living together first". But instead he just talks to them about how he understands their point of view.
The reason I named this Future in laws, is because Theo is the eldest, and the first to want to marry... and I dont think his parents are the type to want their kids to marry. They dont want to accept that their children are adults who want to build their own family. And sadly I'm not sure if Theo can stand up and say " I am an adult, I want to live with Serena, and I want to marry her". Instead he wants to do, and tell them later. I know its not for me to step into really.. all I wanted to do was vent alittle. I cant do anything, except talk to other people about it until this passes. Thanks for your responses.

Serena

Emily · #9 05-11-2006, 11:19 AM

The thing that sticks out to me most is the fact that he hasnt told his parents that he has proposed!!

Also my feeling over buying part of the house is that everything could all turn to shit - buying property with family is hard work even in the most open of relationships!

uNF_Rena · #10 05-15-2006, 07:37 AM

He told them... 6 days after the fact. Which isnt all that bad. They congratulated us, though his mom was concerned about my age she did say the next day to theo that "the thing that I keep thinking about is how happy you sounded, and in the last few months you seemed to have matured more."

This is really good and his mom is coming down this weekend.

I have also reconsidered my point of view on living together before marriage. In our case it makes more sense not to. So his parents should be happy about that also. Please note however I didnt decide this to make his family happy, but financially it would be a huge strain, and it might help our marriage (since a lot of brides feel sort of empty after the actual day... no more planning etc. This gives us things to do.. like decorating).

I know it isnt always smrt to make deals w/ family. However it would all be written up and all that jazz.

Complicated Woman · #11 05-15-2006, 02:43 PM

I'm really happy to hear that he told them and that it went so well!

Congrats on getting to announce your engagement!

Emily · #12 05-15-2006, 03:11 PM

Great I am really pleased for you that he has told his folks now!

Exciting - now you can just look forward to planning the wedding together!

ljeagle · #13 05-15-2006, 03:52 PM

SO happy to hear he told his parents. Kenny took 4-every to tell his mother so I know how hard it was.

It's not that bad not liven with each other till after the wedding. Some people say u learn thing about each other when u live together b-4. I know it's only been a week but I can say it's just what I thought it would be. It really gave us something to look forward to.

ladedah · #14 05-15-2006, 05:28 PM

I'm glad that everything worked out!!....It sounds that you and FH are well on your way to compromising and looking at the big picture!!! Congrats!!