bad MOH? or just me?

[lucky7]

And then there's my MOH. I'm ready to kick her out and we are nowhere near the date! That's sad because shes been like a sister to me growing up even though shes a cousin. She freaked out because I picked out the BM dresses. I took 2 of the BMs up to davids and we tried on the ones I liked, and they liked them. I had looked forever for a flattering style and a decent price because I wanted them to be affordable.

Well, that wasn't good enough for Meredith, and she decided that I get no say in the dresses, since I don't have to wear them. I tried to tell her that there was a majority vote, I took 2 out of the 4 bridesmaids up with me, and 2 of them plus me voted yes, so that was the decision. She doesn't care though. If they had hated them, I would have looked for something else.

She told me that it all depends on if she likes how it fits. I know it'll look good on her! And since when can she plan my wedding? Geeze...I'm ready to pull my hair out! She also told me that she's not ordering her dress any time soon. Ok, that's fine, but get them while they are on sale and BEFORE they discontinue them! She'll get it when she's good and ready.

I feel like I'm being bridezilla over this, so I ended up telling her that whatever get a mix n match then, in MY colors, since she can afford them. [She origionally wanted to wear a dress in a different color from someone elses wedding]. I don't think that I should have caved. N I think I may tell her that I changed my mind. That those are the dresses I chose, and if she can't suck it up for one afternoon and be there for me in the dress I picked that the rest of the girls are wearing, than thats just tough. [that sounds so mean]

Sucks have a MOH that live 5 states away. It was a dumb decision, because she can't help me plan or anything. GAH!!!!!!!

The other bridesmaids are great though. They want to help, they love the dresses, they can afford them, and they totally agree that she's out of line. They're all happy for me. MOH seems to hate me ever since I told her I was getting married.

Am I out of line? Should I shut up about the dress, or insist she wear what I picked out? I don't want to be mean about it, but if it were me complaining about her wedding, she'd tell me to shut the f up about it and wear the dress. Why can she boss me around about mine?

Be honest, be brutal if I'm in the wrong, n I'll say ok and do whatever I need to. I don't want drama with her, but these are the dresses that I want at MY wedding. Just please help me... I don't want to ruin the relationship, but I don't want someone bullying me into something I don't want

[feb-bride]

It's your wedding. You seem to have gone to great lengths to ensure that the dress would be flattering on all of the women, and you gave bridesmaids the opportunity to approve the dress. I think your friend is being selfish about the whole thing, particularly if she is the type who would have told you to suck it up and wear what she wanted you to wear.

I would tell your friend that this is the dress selection, this is the color, and if she doesn't want to wear what you've selected, then she's welcome to attend the wedding as a guest and not as the MOH. She's wrong - You DO have a say in what the bridesmaids are wearing.

I had a similar situation with one of my bridesmaids, though not to the degree that you're experiencing. She was the only bridesmaid who didn't like the dresses. I even made a concession and had wraps made for each bridesmaid (she didn't like the fact that the dresses were sleeveless). Her mom told me that she wasn't comfortable in the dress, and I told her that a) there would be wraps provided so she wouldn't have to expose her bare arms and b) if she didn't like the dress, then maybe she should not be in the wedding. The dress thing was sprung on me less than one month before the wedding, after my step-mom had already made the dresses, so there was no changing the dress at that point. I told her mom that I wore the bridesmaid dress that she chose even though I didn't really like it, and I never complained to anyone. She ended up wearing the dress and she looked just fine in it.

[555Ann555]

I'm generally the first one to compromise... But you offered that and it sounds like she still doesn't want to order her dress.

Have you asked why she wants to wait?

I don't think it is wrong to want to chose the dresses, it is your wedding after all. And if you are willing to compromise by sticking to a colour & fabric, but letting her chose a different style then I think that is enough.

I wouldn't go back on what you've said already though...

The colour you've chosen; is it regular colour that they stock? I mean like pale pink, or light blue... something that they will have in stock even if it isn't the same dress as the others? Something that isn't completely seasonal, or a discontinued line...

[Sh@ks18]

I dont think youre out of line. SHE is. Its your wedding and you've gone to great lengths to accomodate her. At this point if she's still being b**chy then i think giving her the option to step down will smack some sense into her (hopefully)

[cru5h]

Another MOHzilla rears her ugly head. You'll find a lot of us have gone through this with our MOHs and even some of our BMs. What seemed like normal friendships before the wedding planning, have turned in to something really ugly and unexpected. I don't have any advice to offer. But I wanted to say that I hope you are able to work things out with your friend and get your BP looking the way you'd like too.

[Emily]

The simple answer to this is to demote her!!!! If she doesnt like what you want her to wear then just tell her that she doesnt have to be a part of the bridal party!

My view is that she should count herself lucky that you have chosen her to be in your bridal party and she should be bending over backwards for you to make your day special because after all it is your day!

If I were you I would tell her to go jump and to stop being so childish!

[lucky7]

Its the pool blue from davids. I'm not sure if it's just for that line. And I don't understand why she thinks she can pick the dresses at my wedding. She's been telling me for years that when I got married she would do this...but I never thought she was serious. I understand not ordering the dress just yet, thats fine. But I told the others to order them when they had the money. [they are strapped for cash]... She had asked me if I told them to order them, and I told her that, n her response was that she wasn't [see above]

I just don't understand why she's being like this. I tried to talk to her and I was told that she doesnt need to get married and have kids to be happy and if I do than i'm pathetic.

I don't know how I provoked it. She's been fairly mean to Justin too.
A month ago when I saw her last:

Me: Mere, I'm getting married!
Her: you sure this is what you want?
Me: yeah, why would you ask that?
Her: no reason....
Me: So, will you be my MOH. We always talked about it, and it would mean alot to me.
Her: ok

[no congrats, no happiness]

n then the convo yesterday.

Which started all of this. All the women on my moms side are officially mad at me. Mom because of my dress, meredith because of hers, n my gramma for god knows why....maybe because its me getting married first, not meredith. My gramma is being so mean to poor Justin. Always introducing him as my friend. Telling me that I shouldnt marry friends, n etc.

Weddngs suck, n have offically lost their glamour

[Emily]

Okay I know exactly what her problem is......

She is being a jealous cow and she needs to pull her head in!!!!

Tell the bitch to get a grip!

I just dont understand people being selfish about peoples weddings - shouldnt everyone be happy for you and be telling you 'you do what you want cause this is your day'

Big hug for you babe - I totally feel your frustration!!

I would be spewing!

[whiddle]

Is she related to you?

It seems that she is jealous is trying to cover it up by being an a$$hole. I would tell her she will wear the dress, order it by sunch n such date, or step down, her choice. If the dresses are important to you, stand your ground. She has no right to demand that you change the dress.

You might even want to consider asking her to step down. In my experience, once you have a problem with the MOH, it only gets worse. You definetly don't need that stress. Best of luck!

[lucky7]

My other cousin hasn't given me any problems yet, n neither have the other 2 BMs, they keep saying whatever I want, it's my day. N yeah it is, but I don't want to turn into bridezilla. So I thought I had to bend.

We are not even NEAR the date yet, and I'm ready to start beating people. GAH!

[Heather]

I was a bride two years ago, and I'm a Matron of Honor now. When my friend asked me to be her MOH, I cried and I could not have been happier because here is my chance to be there for her like she was for me. (She was a BM in my wedding.) I want more than anything to make this entire experience amazing for her.

When it came to the dresses, she asked me to go shopping with her, however I live in the same location as her. The other girls were invited but couldn't make it. We picked a few dresses and sent photos to everyone else to get their comments and the bride made the final decision. I was more than fine with that because I handled the BM dresses the same way for my wedding. If anyone complained, I didn't hear about it.

Weddings can do funny things to people. I don't think you need to end the friendship, but I think it is time to put your foot down. Be calm and cool, and explain to her that this is the dress you would like them to wear. If she doesn't want to, then as Feb-bride suggested, tell her she's more than welcome to be a guest. Be prepared for her to end the frienship though. You may end up with a few pissed off family members but it's really their issue and not yours.

You deserve to have people around who support your marriage.

[cru5h]

I lied - I do have advice.

Take care of this while you have very little invested still. Either sit down and tell her everything on your mind and make ammends or cut her off. You are not obligated to keep her as your MOH because of a talk you'd had at the dawn of time. You are also not obligated to keep her as a friend simply because she has always been one. You really need to stand up for yourself. That is the bottom line. You don't need to be a bitch to get your point across either. In fact, it's defeating if you come off as "This is my wedding and you will do everything I want."

This is but 1 day of your life. If you want to remain friends with her, you need to come completely clean and hope she does the same. If she doesn't it's probably time to let this one go. It sounds like the friendship has had some problems as of late, and she is exerting her frustrations through the dress and anything else she can. That is the top thing I hate about women. We are too scared of having people mad at us to say what is really on our minds. Don't be that kind of woman, ok? Say what you want. Compromise if you think it's appropriate, but don't hang on because of the past. And don't go ballistic on her because you feel entitled. You'll find the right thing to do, I'm sure of it.

[maroki13]

I agree with the other ladies. She is probably jealous or being passive/aggressive for some reason you have yet to figure out. Deal with her like you would a little kid. Tell her the two choices (she can wear the dress you chose OR she can choose not to be in the wedding). Then walk away. The choice is then placed on her; she can't accuse you of FORCING her to wear the dress or of forcing her out of the wedding. She made that choice herself.

[feb-bride]

Originally Posted by lucky7

I just don't understand why she's being like this. I tried to talk to her and I was told that she doesnt need to get married and have kids to be happy and if I do than i'm pathetic.

I don't know how I provoked it. She's been fairly mean to Justin too

Hun, you've hit the nail on the head. How did you provoke this? By being HAPPY. Seems to me like this woman is not a happy person and is actually JEALOUS of you because you are. You're pathetic because you want to get married and have kids? Um, I don't think so. What IS pathetic is your "friend" trying so hard to make you feel bad. What's the saying - misery loves company? I think that's the case here.

I think the most important thing to ask yourself is this: If you just met this woman today, would you want to be her friend?

Forget the fact that she's your cousin or that she was like a sister to you when you were growing up. How is she as an adult? Is she only nice when you're "level" with her (e.g., no boyfriend/fiance')? Is she happy for you when something great happens for you, or does she have a habit of trying to "burst your bubble" when you tell her things? Is she only happy for you when her life is going great?

Best of luck to you. You shouldn't have to deal with this right now when it's supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life.

[justnmary]

I agree with the other ladies on here....she should shut up or put up......what I don't understand is why your mom and grandma are upset with you. Is Meredith hitting below the belt and trying to instigate problems for you? What's the deal? I wish you the best, you shouldn't have to go through with all this, it should be a happy and exciting time for you....

[SuzyBride]

I think your MOH is being a punk! You are right she is wrong! It is your wedding and you picked out something appropriate and within a decent price range andshe should appreciate that. Stick to your guns!!! Glad your other bridesmaids are being so great!!

[ladedah]

OMG....*starting to have flashbacks*...I had similar issues with my BP, they were giving me such a headache and when I finally called them on it they backed out....which suprisingly didn't bother me...then we were just going to let it go because we were so far into the game when two dear friends offered to step in and then basically told me they were going to do it....

So how does this relate to you, you ask? I could not have imagined my wedding day without the two "replacements" (as were were lovingly referring to them as)...they actually made that day for me and I came to believe that everything happens for a reason. I also wanted to mention that my MOH lived on the east coast, while I live in the Mid-West and when I asked her to be my MOH I knew she wouldn't be able to help as much as I would need her, but she is my best friend and I couldn't imagine anyone else...so distance shouldn't be an issue....

I would guess that if you just sat down to talk to your MOH about what the issue really is (in a non-confronting) sort of way, that she would blow up and back down anyways....and you might be hurt and sad for a little while, but remember that it's your wedding...the happiest time of your life (per se)...and you want to be surrounded by those who are happy for you and supportive.

Good Luck....

[Complicated Woman]

It's not you, it's definitely her. If you picked something that you like that is reasonably flattering and affordable, she should suck it up and wear it. You're the one getting married.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

I agree with the other ladies. Just because she's your cousin, someone who says:

Originally Posted by lucky7

she doesnt need to get married and have kids to be happy and if I do than i'm pathetic.

AND

Me: Mere, I'm getting married!
Her: you sure this is what you want?
Me: yeah, why would you ask that?
Her: no reason....
Me: So, will you be my MOH. We always talked about it, and it would mean alot to me.
Her: ok

[no congrats, no happiness]

...should NOT be your MOH!

Rather than making it about the dresses, I would talk to her about those comments. If I were in that situation I would bring up how hurt you were by those comments and that you love her dearly but since she feels that way, you need to ask someone who's supportive of the marriage to be the MOH. I would also ask how she's feeling. Maybe she will burst into tears and admit she's being a jealous brat and apologize profusely and step up to the plate. And in that case, don't make her wrong about it--be supportive of where she's coming from. But for where she is right now, she is not emotionally capable of being a supportive MOH, so it's in both of your best interest to address it rather than just let her go on as she is as MOH. Resentments will only build on BOTH sides if you don't talk about the real issue--and it's not the dress.

[labeadel]

I'm going to be short and mean (to her, not you). This is your day. Period. Nobody should tell you what dresses they should wear. When one agrees to be a BM or MOH, IMO, then they know that they may have to wear something they don't agree with. It's one flipping day. If they can't wear this dress for one day for our friendship, then what kind of friendship is it? Even if the dress was hideous, I would NEVER say it to the bride. I love her (if she's asked me to be in her wedding) and want her complete happiness on her wedding day. For my wedding, I chose the dress with help of my mom, who was also my MOH. I wanted her to feel most comfortable as she is considerably older than all the other girls. She was even willing to wear whatever I wanted her to, as it was MY DECISION, not hers. I emailed pics of the dresses to everyone and said, this is the dress. Hope you like it. Thankfully they did. But if they didn't, I wouldn't have changed my mind. But I'm a pretty hard-headed person that doesn't take well to being told what to do.

Stand your ground and stop letting her be so mean to you. You didn't ask for this and have been nothing but thoughtful towards her. Enough is enough. I would ask her to step down. She's already caused such a fuss, the next several months are not going to be pleasant.

Okay, so this wasn't short. I got a little carried away. Hope you get this resolved soon.

[uNF_Rena]

I'm sort of new at this.. (got engaged yesterday).. I think perhaps you should sit her down, ask her if she has a problem with your wedding.. who your marrying, or maybe shes jealous that your getting married first. Tell her what your willing to do, and what you arent.

She is the MOH so if her dress was of the same color but was a little different it would probably be ok.. perhaps make a little extra time to go shopping for it.. but otherwise tell her that she is welcome to be a guest.

Again I'm new at this, and it is just my opinion.

Serena

[justnmary]

Welcome!!! Congrads on the engagement...

[tmo]

You are entitled to your vision of your wedding. Those who are happy for you will support your vision, providing your don't force it. (which it doesn't sound like you're forcing them.) And I do agree with the others, you have been diplomatic about your decisions. You do get the final say.

Just a nother perspective on your cousin's attitude - Did you always do stuff together? Share a lot of things? Maybe she doesn't like the prospect of "losing" her time with you to someone else. Like you said, she's being mean to your FH. Still if she doesn't seem all that supportive about your union, I don't think she has the "qualifications" for a MOH.

I gotta say, family do get weird about order of marriage. Most people expect that they would go by age. some are surprised when it gets out of order but think nothing of it. And there are others who down right object. Just weird. So if a cousin/sib decided not to get married, the rest are screwed???

Overall, you're not overbearing. You have final say and everyone will have an idea how you should have your wedding. You and your FH stick together and you'll be fine.

[Robyn Lynn]

Oh Lucky, I am really sorry for the problems you are having

What I have to tell you has probably already been said, but you need all the support you can get

First of all, you have ALL say in the dresses!!!! It is your wedding, your pictures, your memories -- it is up to you how you want everyone to look. Anyone who tells you otherwise needs to take a

Second, I would ask you MOH to step down if she is not going to be supportive and at least civil to you and your FH. You and him do not need that kind of stress. This is a joyous event and will cause stress nonetheless (that's part of the fun!!), but there is no reason to put up with your MOH's attitude. That is a stressor you can easily eliminate (although it may be stressful to tell her, but better to have that monor stress now than major stress later).

Third, I would limit how much contact FH and you have with your Grandma if she is not being supportive and is being outright mean to you and/or Justin. Also, maybe refrain from discussing your dress with your mom since she doesn't agree with you on that (you're getting married on the beach, right, and she thinks you went too formal?). No use in getting worked up and frusrtrated because of others' opinions. Just it off and turn the other cheek, but don't compromise!!! It is yours and your husband-to- be's day.

[lucky7]

Well, I think I got the dress issue sorted out. I told meredith that I was sorry, but I changed my mind about letting her pick her own. I have a specific vision on my wedding and as maid of honor, its her job to help bring that to life. And that if it were her wedding, she wouldn't put up with that from me. I told her that she ment alot to me, and I really want her involved, but those are the dresses that I decided on, and that she could suck it up for one afternoon for me.

She said ok, n then tried to tell me that she wasnt saying she didn't like the dresses, but that she wanted to try it on before making a decision. I told her that I already took that into consideration n since we are the same size/sape, I had tried one on to make sure it would look ok on her too.

Then she started in on how she wasnt ordering it right away... I NEVER SAID SHE HAD TO!@#$%# I told her that wasnt an issue unless the dress or color was going to be discontinued. GAH!

I was then informed that she was too busy with her own life to do all of her duties as moh.... Well, I had already figured that and delegated alot to another BM that lives right down the road. But ggeeeze just go and say that! And that she wont ve dealing with my 'episodes' like this over the next year. ARGGGG!!!!!!!!

I didnt have an episode, i was as nice as I could be about it, and even appologized profusly about changing my mind on the dress. I was WAY too nice.

On another note, I fixed things with my grandma.

She thought for some reason that I expected her to help pay for the wedding, even though I had never even thought about asking her. I would never do that! So I explained that no I didn't and that their job is to show up. And then I asked her if she would help me make my veil. Peace is to be had there.

As for her my FH???? She thinks me getting married means that I'll never go to college. She likes him, but shes always sticking her foot in her mouth. Blah!

And as for my mom:

She upset that I looked at wedding dresses with my BMs [I can understand that] and now refuses to see the dress I picked out or to even go look for a different one. [i think she'll regret her refusal later, and am trying to get her to change her mind] I've apologized profusly, and the day we went looking, I invited her to come with us. So I'm not sure what to do. I understand her being hurt, but I dont agree with her totally excluding herself because of it, I think she'll regret it later, and I don't want that. And I KNOW I'll regret it, as I already do.

HELP! MY FAMILYS BEEN REPLACED WITH NUTHOUSE ESCAPEES!!!!