How much is this going to cost me?

[rexlex2005]

I'm in the process of getting engaged. We're kind of doing it on an ad hoc basis, meaning that we know we want to get engaged, so I'm letting her shop for her own engagement ring. (Hey, that's what she wanted) At any rate, I always thought that I was dealing with a reasonable, money conscious person. But now she's come back to me with an $8,500 price tag, and that's just the engagement ring. I don't want to think about what the wedding band will cost. At any rate, we had decided that we wanted to go away to get married. Just have the immediate family with a small ceremony. This was supposedly to save money on a big wedding, but it looks more and more like we'll be spending the same amount, just on different stuff! Beyond this, my intended seems to be upset that I want to save money on my own wedding band. I don't intend to spend much more than $50-$60. Heck, I'd get married with a cigar band if I thought I could get away with it. All along I've made it clear that I just don't value jewelry. It's not like an expensive ring would make us any more married. Despite the plain talk, she's full bore ahead on the expensive jewelry and planning.

The funny thing is that this same person seems to balk at spending a couple extra grand on upgrading the floors in the house.

The question is, should I be having second thoughts?

[Sharon Naylor]

Okay, don't panic...and hold off on those second thoughts. It sounds to me like your fiancee has just lost her grip on reality due to the excitement of the engagement (which happens to the vast, vast majority of brides -- and some grooms, and their family members). I'm sure the reasonable person you know and love is still in there somewhere. She's just gotten a little bit lost in the fantasy.

I strongly suggest that you make a date with her -- a real date, perhaps a quiet dinner at home -- so that you can talk openly about your concerns over the cost of the wedding. The average amount spent on a wedding nationally is $27,000, and that's for the traditional, big, sit-down dinner variety. Since you mentioned going away for a destination wedding, you can find terrific, budget-friendly packages that will take some of the pressure off.
But first thing's first...bringing your fiancee back down to earth. During this dinner, be open about your concerns regarding how she seems to have changed overnight. It sounds strange to me that you feel pressured to get an expensive wedding band. Is your fiancee consciously or unconsciously competing with a friend or relative who has big rings? Where is this jewelry focus coming from? Let her know that her focus has frightened you a little bit, and ask her to tell you how she's feeling. You'll learn much more by listening to her, rather than losing YOUR grip on reality and giving in to your fears. Staying quiet is the last thing you should do, or else these concerns will fester. An open conversation is the thing to do.

She may be surprised that her focus has affected you so deeply, and that might bring her back to reality. If she hears something along the lines of "Wow, you seem like a different person, and I'm wondering about your values," that's not only going to open the topic, it's actually the best thing for your marriage. You'll always need to talk openly about things, and now's the time to tackle a big one. Many couples run into situations like this -- real, big issues beyond a disagreement over the napkin colors -- and they wisely sign up for premarital counseling. Short-term, relatively inexpensive, but a wise investment in the future marriage. If your initial talk doesn't bring her down to earth, you might want to think about going for a short session or two with an expert who can guide you both. More and more couples are wisely doing so.

Once she hears you, you'll both need to face the Money Thing head-on. So many couples neglect to do this during the fantasy-time of new engagement that they have so many problems down the road. So now's the time for you to talk Cash.

You'll start by agreeing on that destination wedding plan and having a ballpark figure of what that will cost you. Just ballpark, nothing specific. Then, work together on your Priority List -- the things that are most important to you, that you're both willing to spend the greatest % of your wedding budget on. For many people, that's the reception, or the gown, or having a larger wedding so that more people can attend. With that done, you're on the same page and can start your planning with a realistic idea of what the big picture is going to cost.

That alone might get her focus off the expensive rings and onto something she values more...like her bouquet or having her friends there. It sounds to me like she's tunnel-visioned on the rings and hasn't taken a real look at the expenses to come. And that's a common phenomenon among couples who completely lose control over their budgets and start marriage off in debt.

This might take a few conversations, but it's worth it. You have to get her back to the reasonable level, and use humor or whatever has always worked best in your particular relationship. Once you get to common ground, show her a book like my 1000 BEST WEDDING BARGAINS, and make it an agreement that you CAN have the best for your wedding, and you'll work together using such inside secrets and ways to 'beat the system' to get far more for your wedding for far less. You're partners with the same goal -- to be married and create a wonderful future for yourselves. Now's the time for you to take the smartest first steps towards that. So this problem may actually turn out to be a GOOD THING....it's going to get you talking about the big issues, your values regarding money and your relationship, etc.

If you'd like more advice before the Big Conversation, just let me know and I'll be happy to help out.

Sharon Naylor

[feb-bride]

I agree with Sharon wholeheartedly about you sitting down with your intended to discuss these issues.

As for the ring, she may be feeling pressure to have a "bigger and better" ring than someone else she knows. Women can be really "funny" about this stuff, as if the size of the ring shows how much the man cares about her. For the record, though, not ALL women are like this; in fact, my husband and I disagreed about my ring because he wanted to buy a bigger diamond that the one I selected. He really thought that people would judge him for my smaller diamond, and perhaps your intended feels that she will be judged if she has a more modest ring.

Good luck with this. Let us know if you have further questions.

[Complicated Woman]

Women CAN be funny about this...myself included. I love my engagement ring, it's beautiful, it's sentimental, it's just my style, and it's small. Sparkly and gorgeous, but small.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling uncomfortable when people ask to see it because I wonder what they're thinking and if they think Tom is cheap or something...it's completely idiotic.

This ring is exactly what I want AND we didn't go into debt over it, which is MUCH more important to me.

I think it's possible that your fiancée is just giving into those feelings a bit more than she ought to. A frank discussion would be the best thing to give her a chance to reflect a little more. And I'm sure she will appreciate that you are trying to figure out how she feels and that you're being open with her.

[Steph]

Do you think she would compromise and accept a ring that is not as expensive right now and years down the road for a significant wedding anniversary upgrade to a larger diamond when you are more established? I agree with everyone above. Girls can be very fickle about their engagement ring.

[feb-bride]

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

Women CAN be funny about this...myself included. I love my engagement ring, it's beautiful, it's sentimental, it's just my style, and it's small. Sparkly and gorgeous, but small.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling uncomfortable when people ask to see it because I wonder what they're thinking and if they think Tom is cheap or something...it's completely idiotic.

This ring is exactly what I want AND we didn't go into debt over it, which is MUCH more important to me.

I think it's possible that your fiancée is just giving into those feelings a bit more than she ought to. A frank discussion would be the best thing to give her a chance to reflect a little more. And I'm sure she will appreciate that you are trying to figure out how she feels and that you're being open with her.

I dealt with this exact issue when we were engaged. People would ask to see my ring, and I would hear myself starting to defend the diamond size, even though it was EXACTLY what I wanted (I picked it out). I had people describing my ring with adjectives such as "dainty" and "cute" (synonyms for "tiny" and "small" if you could hear the tones people used when saying these words). Most important to me was that my husband was able to buy my ring with cash.

[555Ann555]

Or... the other option is doing what we did with my second engagement ring...

Long story short-> my first ring didn't fit anymore & was going to cost too much to be fixed/remade, so I shopped around until I found a believable cubic zirconia ring!

No one who has seen it has said a thing about it, other than the fact that it's quite a lot bigger than my old ring.

We could have bought this ring (I mean a dimond version of it) but it wouldn't have left an awful lot of money for the wedding. My FH seems to feel a bit akward about it sometimes, but we made a deal; when we get to our 5yr anniversary, if we have the cash to spare, he can buy me a diamond version of this ring.

Until then I'll wear this ring with pride, knowing that it isn't about which stone is on my finger, but who is sharing my life

[feb-bride]

Something that just occurred to me:

I've seen several commercials for engagement rings (specifically, diamonds) that state "two months' salary" is what you should spent on a ring (absolute crap IMO). I have no idea what you earn a month (nor is it any of my business), but if $8,500 is roughly what you earn in two months' time, maybe she thinks that this is "standard" for a ring.

I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, so perhaps she doesn't realize how much she's really asking of you.

[555Ann555]

You're right Feb, it seems to be a growning tradition to spend 2 months salary on it!

It was always supposed to be one month's wages over here... I think the jewellers pay the magazines to say it should be more

[maroki13]

I understand that she stated she wanted to go shopping for her own engagement ring. Did she specifically ask you not to go along? Or did you let her shop on her own and then wait for her to bring a price back?

If you never talked about how much you expected to spend on a ring and she had no idea of a ring budget in mind when she went shopping, it may be a completely honest mistake. I don't believe having a discussion with her about the price of the ring she picked would be out of line. Think of ways that you can also cut costs with regards to the ring....a smaller diamond is obviously one way, but if she is dead set on a large diamond, maybe she'll take a plain setting with no diamonds in it; that can also decrease the price of a ring.

[555Ann555]

Or you could go for a really big stone, but not the best clarity ...

You definately need to talk it through...

[cru5h]

Does it *have* to be a diamond? Some women really go for having something unique. Maybe she would like another stone? I liked the look of a diamond, but I didn't like the cost. But more importantly, I am very much against the practices that were/are going on in Africa in order to mine diamonds. I didn't feel I could trust any jeweler's guarantee that my diamond wasn't mined by a 10 year old boy missing a limb because he was thought to have stolen something. There *are* companies that can and will fully guarantee that you are getting a clean diamond, but since I wasn't so attached to the idea of a diamond I was happy to look for something else.

I found a stone called Moissanite (google it if you're interested, it's a good story). It was originally from a meteor that landed on Earth in the late 1800s. Its properties were recreated in a lab later on. It is every bit as lustrous as a diamond, has excellent clarity, my God it reflects like a disco ball in my car when the sun catches it, and is the 2nd hardest stone in existence (2nd only to the diamond). It will last as long as a diamond.

My stone is rather large in my opinion. No one has asked me whether or not it's "real". And if they did, my answer would be yes - it is a real Moissanite. It is a stone in itself and wasn't created to be the next diamond knock-off. Perhaps you can get your future wife to be a little more in tune with what she wants, instead of what society has told her she should have because she "deserves" it. Yes, diamonds are the most precious stones, but getting something else doesn't mean you love her any less or that she has settled. I'm a big advocate of people questioning WHY they like/want something.

I was asked what kind of ring I liked (stone shape, size, type of gold, dislikes, etc.) but I wanted HIM to pick my ring out for me. He was really pleased that he was able to find something he knew I'd like, yet he picked out on his own. He got to "pop the question" and it worked out how we wanted it to. I hope you two can come to an agreement.

A phrase one of our members shared with us is that you should be planning your marriage (in addition to your wedding). And that makes a lot of sense.

[555Ann555]

[maroki13]

I found a stone called Moissanite (google it if you're interested, it's a good story). It was originally from a meteor that landed on Earth in the late 1800s. Its properties were recreated in a lab later on. It is every bit as lustrous as a diamond, has excellent clarity, my God it reflects like a disco ball in my car when the sun catches it, and is the 2nd hardest stone in existence (2nd only to the diamond). It will last as long as a diamond.

I know exactly what she is talking about. I've seen these stones in JC Penneys I think, when I was walking by the jewelry counter. I was drawn by their sparkle. And they are significantly cheaper...you could get a large stone for much cheaper than you would spend on diamonds.

[cru5h]

Yeah, mine is almost a carat I believe, and was around $630. The JC Penney ones I actually found to be too bright, if you can believe that LOL. He ordered from the internet. www.moissanite.com I think. It came Fed Ex'd and fast.

LOL @ This "article" The negatives of Moissanite But it's only fair to show that as well

[maroki13]

The JC Penney ones I actually found to be too bright, if you can believe that LOL.

I actually can believe it. I was drawn over there because of how bright it was; I don't actually shop for jewelry at JC Penneys normally, I was simply passing through when I was clothes shopping.

[cru5h]

We were excited to get to look at the stones since Penney's was like the only place who had them, and I think that helped him realize that they were really bright and he should think about scaling down.

[maroki13]

Do most jewelry stores not carry Moissanite? I've never actually tried looking for it in a jewelry store, I guess I just assumed they must carry it.

Anyway, rex, back to your question. cru5h had another great suggestion....maybe she would go for a stone other than diamonds. I have a friend who has a sapphire engagement ring instead of a diamond engagement ring, and she loves it. I personally love diamonds more than other stones, but if I love another stone I wouldn't have been opposed to having that in my engagement ring. Maybe she never explored or considered having another stone in place of a diamond. She could use her birthstone or simply another stone that she really loves.

[Complicated Woman]

I'm friends with a couple who recently got engaged, and the center stone on her ring is a sapphire. It's really beautiful and unique and she loves it, and I am sure that he was able to save some money buying it, too.

[cru5h]

Most jewelry stores were ready to spit in our faces for even suggesting the "M word".

[Sereniti71]

I think you should talk to her about your budget. In addition, I would get a picture of the ring she likes and take it to a few jewelers who actually make jewelry i.e. not a national chain. I took a pic of my DH's band to a qualified jeweler and I saved almost 60%. Of course, I examined some of his work prior to agreeing to have him make the ring. I live in Chicago, where there is a strip called jeweler's row. So, it was relatively easy for me to find a jeweler who does this. I got better quality diamonds and platinum instead of white gold and saved $$. Good luck.