Helppp my daughter is pregnant!

[Jodyangel]

Ok guys. I need your opinions and Help, cause I've not been in this situation before. My daughter, who is 20 just announced to me that she just found out she is pregnant. She has been living with her boyfriend for about 8 months now but did not plan on this happening. They want to get married.
Thats fine, but I have no idea on what is proper, what would be best, or how to throw together a nice but small wedding.
Now, daughter tells me they've decided they will ask about 120 ppl. They first told me they were going to wait until October because her BF wanted to drink at his wedding. LOL..shesh huh? Well I told her all kinds of good reasons they should do it sooner rather than at her pregnancy being fullterm. She today tells me they decided on August..which will make her about 7 months along.
Am I wrong to think they should do it before she's all blosomed out..or am I old fashioned about that? And I also think, because They have no money..and the various parents will be mostly picking up the bill, that this should be a quiet and small affair. Rather than come right Out with this, I'm letting her make some phone calls to local caterors ect so she will SEE how much this will cost. We think that since a baby is coming in the fall that the money can be put to better use for him or her. I think you can still have a nice wedding without going nuts.
So. Ideas? I really need someone to bounce ideas off of, since she hasnt told anyone else yet..but me and her BFs mother. He is going to tell her father tomorrow..(which should be interesting since he is bitter and hateful towards me and will DEF. state that me and my dh should Not be invited...another topic LOL)
Helpppppp!!!

[breezy]

Divorce is never easy on anyone. It sounds like you are doing a fair job at remembering this is HER day. Just remember that when her Dad is there. It's not about him, or about what you had, it's about celebrating their union.

As far as what to do. I do think you are a bit old fashion in worring about how far along she is. I understand that old point of view, but now days, anything goes.

I would have a talk with his family, and the B&G (bride and groom) about budget. Do you think your ex will be contributing to the wedding financially?

Set a budget. Then if she desires to go over it, she knows that her and her DF (dear fiance) are responsible for that cost. Once you have a budget it will help to realistically decide how small or large a wedding you can afford. Then they can work on the invite list

My parents are contributing a set amount. There are things we want above that, we are paying for those things. But we were clear what our budget was/is and what they were willing to financially expend.

You can definately have a fabulouse wedding without spending yourself into debt. Check out $ saving tips in this thread http://www.pashweddings.com/weddingf...ead.php?t=2716

Welcome to Pash!! The weekends can be slower, so I imagine you will get alot more feedback come Monday.

[cru5h]

I don't think they should get married at all, well until after their baby is born. Getting married BECAUSE of pregnancy is an absolutely horrible idea. If it's about religion, I think God already knows they've had premarital sex. And everyone else knows that when you live with your boyfriend, there's a good chance you've slept with him. So let's come off the delusion that marriage will save this from judgement. Times have changed, and people are far more accepting than you'd expect. Sure some of them are backwards and mean, but they stink. 8 months of playing house is enough to know whether or not you'd make good roommates at best. Sadly, that's not what you wanted to hear, but I am from the new-school, and was nearly married at 19 because I was pregnant. 8 years later, I am thrilled that we didn't tie the knot. Not only is he a mediocre father, but he's a lot of things I didn't know he'd grow in to. Being a single mother wasn't easy, but being the wife of an alcoholic, irresponsible person would have been worlds worse.

[Complicated Woman]

Originally Posted by cru5h

I don't think they should get married at all, well until after their baby is born. Getting married BECAUSE of pregnancy is an absolutely horrible idea. If it's about religion, I think God already knows they've had premarital sex. And everyone else knows that when you live with your boyfriend, there's a good chance you've slept with him. So let's come off the delusion that marriage will save this from judgement. Times have changed, and people are far more accepting than you'd expect. Sure some of them are backwards and mean, but they stink. 8 months of playing house is enough to know whether or not you'd make good roommates at best. Sadly, that's not what you wanted to hear, but I am from the new-school, and was nearly married at 19 because I was pregnant. 8 years later, I am thrilled that we didn't tie the knot. Not only is he a mediocre father, but he's a lot of things I didn't know he'd grow in to. Being a single mother wasn't easy, but being the wife of an alcoholic, irresponsible person would have been worlds worse.

Ditto to absolutely everything in this post. And, if religion is a part of it, I serve as a youth pastor and would never recommend marriage as the response to an unexpected pregnancy. Don't know if lending my voice to that helps.

[whiddle]

I don't think that they should rush and get married before she shows. Anyone that can do simple subtraction is going to know she was pregnant before the wedding anyway. Also, like cru5h said, if a couple is living together, it's assumed they are also sleeping together. I would wait until they are both ready to get married for the right reasons and not just because she is pregnant.

Regarding the wedding, if you and the BF's parents are contributing, I would just name an amount. Your daughter can keep it under that amount or pitch in her money. Since you said, they have no money, Im guessing anything they do have should be saved for the baby and baby preparations. Best of luck!

[swtdl11552]

CONGRATULATIONS!! I know you may be stressed. Trust that you have done a good job raising your daughter, that she will be a good Mother, just as you have been!!

Please talk to your daughter about waiting until well after the wedding. Not to say that marraige isn't a wonderful experience and way to show your love to the world. Tell her to spend her next 8 months or so planning for baby, with a hopefully doting and loving boyfriend by her side. Tell her to plan on enjoying her baby shower & the birth of her child...that there will be time for a wonderful wedding later. There is nothing at all wrong with waiting to get married. Tell her to wait until afterwards, so she can enjoy a couple of drinks at her wedding also (I knowyou think it sounds idiotic, but I wish I didn't get married first time around when I was 5 months pregnant, I'd have loved to knock a couple back, and I'm not a drinker.). Also...she wont have a great time at her bachelorette party - refer back to the last sentence in quotes for further explanation.

I think one HUGE life altering event at a time is enough for any one person.


Shannon

[Heather]

Hi, and welcome!

Do you want advice on whether she should get married now (or later), or do you want advice on how to plan a quick, affordable wedding?

[Robyn Lynn]

Welcome to Pash!!!

[Sereniti71]

I agree with cru5h. I would first try to determine if they are really ready to get married or if they are getting married because of the pregnancy. Were they planning to get married before the pregnancy?

I also think you are being a little old fashioned with respect to her showing. I think that is the least of the issues. Seeing how much work marriage can be, I just would not want them to get married for the wrong reasons.

Good luck and welcome.

[cru5h]

Originally Posted by Sereniti71

I also think you are being a little old fashioned with respect to her showing. I think that is the least of the issues. Seeing how much work marriage can be, I just would not want them to get married for the wrong reasons.

I agree. It's all in the way YOU'VE accepted this and present it to your friends/family. If you appear happy and unashamed, they won't have any other way to react, because if Mom accepts it, then who are they to criticize?

[Jodyangel]

Originally Posted by cru5h

I don't think they should get married at all, well until after their baby is born. Getting married BECAUSE of pregnancy is an absolutely horrible idea. If it's about religion, I think God already knows they've had premarital sex. And everyone else knows that when you live with your boyfriend, there's a good chance you've slept with him. So let's come off the delusion that marriage will save this from judgement. Times have changed, and people are far more accepting than you'd expect. Sure some of them are backwards and mean, but they stink. 8 months of playing house is enough to know whether or not you'd make good roommates at best. Sadly, that's not what you wanted to hear, but I am from the new-school, and was nearly married at 19 because I was pregnant. 8 years later, I am thrilled that we didn't tie the knot. Not only is he a mediocre father, but he's a lot of things I didn't know he'd grow in to. Being a single mother wasn't easy, but being the wife of an alcoholic, irresponsible person would have been worlds worse.

I hear what you're saying. But they didn't ask me if they should get married or not..they Told me they wanted to. And yes, they were already planning on getting married, just not for a few years. I can ask daughter why are they rushing..but I don't think it will change their minds. They seem very content and happy at this point. Do I think marriage is the answer for pregnancy?? No!! Is there any quarentee on Any marriage? No. So all you can do is love, do the best you can and hopefully they'll make out just fine.
She told me last night they want to get married the first week or so in August..which will make her about 5 months. So yes she'll be showing but not Huge yet.
I love and support my daughter. I hope she finds great happiness with this young man. I came here for ideas and support, because I never thought this would happen and at this point I don't have any friends who have experienced this situation either..so I appreciate all thoughts and comments. Thanks!!

[Jodyangel]

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

Ditto to absolutely everything in this post. And, if religion is a part of it, I serve as a youth pastor and would never recommend marriage as the response to an unexpected pregnancy. Don't know if lending my voice to that helps.

Thanks! Her father is a minister LOL. I'm wondering if he's gonna HIT the roof when her bf shows up this afternoon to tell him.......

[Jodyangel]

Originally Posted by Heather

Hi, and welcome!

Do you want advice on whether she should get married now (or later), or do you want advice on how to plan a quick, affordable wedding?

I'd appreciate advise on how to throw together a nice memorable wedding on a shoestring. They Want to get married..so thats not my decision. Thanks!

[Jodyangel]

Originally Posted by cru5h

I agree. It's all in the way YOU'VE accepted this and present it to your friends/family. If you appear happy and unashamed, they won't have any other way to react, because if Mom accepts it, then who are they to criticize?

=) Thanks!

[555Ann555]

First things first, welcome to Pash & congratulations on the future grandkid!

I have no issue at all with beautiful, blooming, pregnant brides. I think it can look amazing.

But it may be an awful lot of stress for her to deal with while she is pregnant. Then again, she has already made the decision of what she wants.

I think it would be a great idea to fix a budget, an amount that you can feasible afford to contribute, bearing in mind anything you want to set aside for helping with the costs of the new baby.

I'd try to be as clear as possible (and I know how tough that can be!) but say, I want to help with the cost of the wedding but I can't afford to go past $____.

I really wish my mum would have done this, she wanted to help us out, but never gave a fixed amount. It makes it tricky to book things and I end up feeling embarrassed because I don't know if I'm asking too much and if it's past the point she would have been happy spending... In some ways I would rather have had her contribute less money and be given clear limits.

Well on to that plans... Do you think her dad will marry them? Will the have a civil marriage (is that just the UK term?) I mean in a court house or some other non-religious venue.

The big things that need sorted out ASAP are where? when? & how much?!
Those determine pretty much everything else.

[ljeagle]

I think the first thing you all should work on is a budget! Then pick a date and a place and then take it from there. With all that you will know how much the place is going to be and how much of a budget u have to work with. Welcome to PASH! We all are glad to help you out as much as possible.

[SuzyBride]

Welcome and congrats on your future grandchild!!!! How exciting!

I think the biggest thing is for you to support your daughter no matter what decisions are made, and it seems that you are happy for them even though this isn't the ideal situation. Kudos to you for that!

Its not that hard to plan a nice wedding on a small budget. You just have to first determine what is really important to the bride and groom. They need to sit down and prioritize, and then start to look into how much the things that are important to them cost, they may end up changing their minds. I think it is a good idea for you daughter to check into things herself so that she can be aware of how much things are going to cost. They need to decide how many people they want to attend, that way you can start looking into places to have the ceremony and reception keeping in mind how many people it can hold. If you want to cut costs, it would be a good idea to have everything in one place so you only have one rental fee. Also, you might consider having a day wedding with a light buffet style lunch, or brunch if you have a earlier wedding. Sit down dinner receptions can get pretty expensive so you might want to try to aviod that.

Just some ideas to try and help you get started!! Hope this helps some!

[syringa]

Since your daughter has never experienced a pregnancy before, she has no idea how she is going to feel. Some women sail through it; others have morning sickness for 9 months. Fatigue is a given. You are wise to plan something simple that she can definitely handle no matter how she feels. You may not want to make it a late night. Omitting alcohol, both because the bride and groom are underage and because of the pregnancy, will reduce the costs considerably. You can plan a nice wedding without spending a huge amount. If they want something more elaborate, they can have a vow renewal ceremony in the future.

[Complicated Woman]

Well, here are some things I can suggest.

They can save money and have a fantastic brunch reception and morning wedding.

You can also save by having it on a Friday or a Sunday.

I'm saving a lot with DIY projects, but that may be too taxing for her since she is expecting.

I think there are small things you can do to make it memorable that won't cost a lot -- for example, play a unique song as she comes down the aisle, give her favorite candy as favors, add a special reading -- anything that makes it personal will make it memorable, and that doesn't have to be expensive.

[cru5h]

well in that case, allow me to point you over to a discussion we were having about cutting the budget down to size:
http://www.pashweddings.com/weddingf...ead.php?t=2716

Hope that helps a little!

[swtdl11552]

Ohhh you can do it. Now, are you going to be paying for the whole wedding? Are they contributing?? How did it go when your FSIL went to speak to your daughter's Father? Will he be contributing? Like the girls said, its best to have an idea of your budget before you start to do anything else.

You live in Southern Jersey - if I'm not mistaken there are some great parks & things there, although its going to be hotter than hell in August to have the wedding outdoors..hmmm.. get an idea of the theme they want - something laid back? Tux's or casual, ya know?? One step at a time.

And list-wise, I'd make a "definitely inviting" list, then a "Maybe" and so on. I suppose this is something your daughter should be doing, not you..so suggfest that to her?? Once you get an idea of these things (budget, indoor/outdoor.. casual vs. black tie) we can help you nail down some other parts of it!

p.s. A baby is a blessing. If you agree, and if you feel that you've done a great job raising your daughter...then the only concerns you should have are the ones that you would have regardless of her age/marital status. It seems to me that you are on top of being a supportive Mother...she is so lucky!!

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

to you and your daughter! Just to get my bias right out there: Much like your daughter, at 21 I was engaged--with no plans of getting married any time SOON--when I got pregnant. We still wanted to wait a year or so to get married, but my mom insisted we get married right away. Well, I'm back on this site because I'm divorced and getting married for the second time. Coming from that perspective I wanted to get married because I thought we should and we were going to do it someday anyway... I wish at the time my mom instead of telling me things like:

Well I told her all kinds of good reasons they should do it sooner rather than at her pregnancy being fullterm

that she would have just said that it was "ok" for me not to and that she'd support me no matter what. Just like your daughter, I also outwardly got excited and seemed happy that all this was happening, but inside I was terrified as hell. She might not seem like she needs your support right now, but know this is likely much scarier for her than she lets on. Be there for her no matter what--and let her know that. The details of the wedding will fall into place after that, but it shouldn't be the major focus right now or it's just a distraction from dealing with the emotions. I know that doesn't seem to make any sense. But I felt like if I dedicated myself to WANTING to get married then, everything would be just fine...apparently, in my case, it wasn't in the long-term.

[koltsix]

I understand how you are feeling, you are a mother and that expected, but there is still cause to celebrate. You are gonna be gaining a son(in-law) and you are gonna be a grandma... there's another blessing.
Tell your daughter weddings can be small, not to expensive, and still memorable. Start by setting a reasonable budget by locating all possible financial contributions. For example; how much can you put in? How much can the family of your FSIL put in? etc. etc. Once you have an idea of how much you have to work with than you can start the planning part.
Remember, it is her wedding day. Don't take over. Assist her with ideas and whatever else she needs. Try not to worry about what others think to much. She is your daughter, you love her, she is happy and healthy, and its the new melenium. Hey, I'm getting married now at 28 to the father of my two beautiful little girls( ages 5 and 3). We have been together since we were 20, like your daughter, and life just sort of took its own path. We have been a family all this time, so our marriage is just the icing on the cake. We just prioretized a little differently back then. When I found out I was pregnant with our first, we moved in together and worked hard and decided to hold off on the wedding until after I finished college. And finally that time has come.
We are having a small wedding of about 70 people and we are working on a small budget (under $10,000 for everything including honeymoon). We also have some help from family with that bill. Find out who can help you in the family. Small and sweet can be done. Don't panic!

[Jodyangel]

Yep some things are starting to get sorted out. She told me Sat. that they have decided to have the reception at a local place here thats VERY low key. We live out in the country and its similiar to a hall. Cost - $200. They want to have a Pig Roast LOL!!! I think its wonderful cause it suits him to a T!! So we'll have to figure out about the sides..but they belong to a firehouse..theyre volenteer firemen on the side and their friends there have said they will help out. Whew.
They will buy the liquor themselves and hire a bartender. Those are some things I thought of that will save a bit of money. All the parents will contribute. And yeah, I have decided how much we can give, so I will tell her this week.
I'm wondering how the talk with her father went yesterday. Yes she is going to ask him to marry her in His church (she said cause it will be free LOL).Yes he is a minister but still VERY angry and bitter about me divorcing him. Its awful. But I'm very happily remarried to the BEST man and he will be there helping me. We just celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary.
Anyways..she didn't call me last night, so I think she'll call today. I just Know he is going to say my hubby can't attend the wedding. But phooey on him!!! We're not backing down! Thanks!

Originally Posted by 555Ann555

First things first, welcome to Pash & congratulations on the future grandkid!

I have no issue at all with beautiful, blooming, pregnant brides. I think it can look amazing.

But it may be an awful lot of stress for her to deal with while she is pregnant. Then again, she has already made the decision of what she wants.

I think it would be a great idea to fix a budget, an amount that you can feasible afford to contribute, bearing in mind anything you want to set aside for helping with the costs of the new baby.

I'd try to be as clear as possible (and I know how tough that can be!) but say, I want to help with the cost of the wedding but I can't afford to go past $____.

I really wish my mum would have done this, she wanted to help us out, but never gave a fixed amount. It makes it tricky to book things and I end up feeling embarrassed because I don't know if I'm asking too much and if it's past the point she would have been happy spending... In some ways I would rather have had her contribute less money and be given clear limits.

Well on to that plans... Do you think her dad will marry them? Will the have a civil marriage (is that just the UK term?) I mean in a court house or some other non-religious venue.

The big things that need sorted out ASAP are where? when? & how much?!
Those determine pretty much everything else.

[Jodyangel]

Originally Posted by swtdl11552

Ohhh you can do it. Now, are you going to be paying for the whole wedding? Are they contributing?? How did it go when your FSIL went to speak to your daughter's Father? Will he be contributing? Like the girls said, its best to have an idea of your budget before you start to do anything else.

You live in Southern Jersey - if I'm not mistaken there are some great parks & things there, although its going to be hotter than hell in August to have the wedding outdoors..hmmm.. get an idea of the theme they want - something laid back? Tux's or casual, ya know?? One step at a time.

And list-wise, I'd make a "definitely inviting" list, then a "Maybe" and so on. I suppose this is something your daughter should be doing, not you..so suggfest that to her?? Once you get an idea of these things (budget, indoor/outdoor.. casual vs. black tie) we can help you nail down some other parts of it!

p.s. A baby is a blessing. If you agree, and if you feel that you've done a great job raising your daughter...then the only concerns you should have are the ones that you would have regardless of her age/marital status. It seems to me that you are on top of being a supportive Mother...she is so lucky!!

A baby IS indeed a blessing...amen =)