I want to SLAP my FSIL

[rockyford]

My brother, "Troy" is his fiancee "Britt" are getting married next April and they just had a lovely daughter. Great, right? Wrong. First of all, "Britt" has basically excluded all of us, in particular, my mother, from the wedding plans. She told my mom that it was going to be a traditional wedding-her family would host and pay and she and her mom would plan it. In other words, my mom is supposed to do MOGs did in the old days-show up, shut up and wear beige.

Secondly, there is the matter of my niece. We live in Georgia and my "Troy" and "Britt" live in Pennslyvania, near her family. "Troy" told us to wait a week after the baby was born to visit, so the baby and "Britt" wouldn't be overwhelmed. He also turned down my mother's request to stay for a week to help with the baby-most likely on "Britt's" orders. So, my mom and I go to see the baby. It is a 3 ring circus. All of "Britt's" relatives are coming and going, holding the baby. During the 3 days we stayed ( in a hotel), my mom only held the baby once, mainly because either "Britt" and especially her mom, constantly held her. "Britt's" mom seems to think she is the "main" grandma and "Britt" encouraged this. She would automatically hand the baby to her mom, never offer to let my mom hold her and when my mom did, ''Britt" watched my mom like a hawk. "Britt's" mom offered advice about the baby all day long, but my mom said something once and "Britt" snapped at her and burst into tears.

To make a long story short, my mother is not speaking to Britt and told my brother that he was marrying a spoiled, selfish brat who would most likely raise a spoiled, selfish brat. In response, "Britt's" mom sent my mom a nasty email and my brother has hinted that they will elope, which has upset my mom to no end. My dilemma is this? Should I play peacemaker or stay out of it. Both families are upset and it is getting uglier by the day. Please help!

[SuzyBride]

I say stay out of it. It may suck hearing all the nit picky details, but it will suck more being in the middle of a no win situation.. Plus all involved are adults, if they don't act like adults there is nothing you can do!

Welcome to Pash!!!

[rockyford]

It's hard to stay out of it when you see your mom break down in tears and it is being implied that she might not see her only grandchild if she doesn't do thing her FDIL's way. Ever since that girl has come into our family, she has caused nothing but trouble

[whiddle]

I say stay out of it. Your Mom should raise her concerns with your brother when she is not mad or upset. She needs to just discuss her feelings/thoughts with him and let him make the decision. Welcome to Pash!

[ljeagle]

With u getting into it it will just cause them mad at u. Let them work it out! Welcome to PASH!

[fallbride]

Welsome to Pash!!!

I would stay out of it!

[Heather]

Hi rockyford, welcome to Pash. I can see why you're upset - it kills me to see my Mom upset about anything. Like Suzy said, everyone involved are adults so let them work it out. I agree your Mom should talk to her son when she's calm and can have a one-on-one conversation with him about everything. Your Mom should start by apologizing to your brother for calling his future wife and mother of his child names.

As for the wedding, if her parents are paying for the wedding, then they are also hosting the wedding. That is not unusual and in these types of cases, the MOG typically isn't involved as much with the planning. I agree that your future sister-in-law could get your Mom more involved, but maybe she's simply more comfortable with her own Mom. That's not so unusual either.

Though it may be hard, everyone in your family (and the future in-laws) should make an effort to get along for the sake of the wedding and the new granddaughter.

Good luck, and let us know how everything turns out. We're here for you if you need anything...

[Complicated Woman]

Welcome to Pash!

Sorry to hear about that difficult situation. I agree with the other ladies, stay out of it.

I think Heather's advice of going with an apologetic attitude is great. I don't think it's so terrible for the MOG not to be much involved with the planning, particularly since the bride's family is paying for all of it. This is just the traditional way things are done.

I know I don't run everything by my FMIL. She and I get along great and I have taken her to see my dress, shown her the reception site, etc. FH is her only child, so she won't have a wedding to be a part of and I thought she might like being "in" on ours. Maybe since your mom has you, FSIL wasn't as concerned.

[cru5h]

Stay out of it. I know it's killing you, but it's their issue not yours. Yes, this is your family, and yes Britt is wrong, but you don't need to make this your crusade. You will not end up "making peace". You'll end up looking like you're taking sides, and sticking your nose in where it "doesn't belong". I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Anyone else think this sounds like the other side of the story for filmnoirfan/scoopbride?

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

As "evil" as it sounds, it is very normal for the wife's mom to have a much bigger role in wedding/baby stuff than the husband's mom. It just is. I take it you're not married, nor do you have a child. If you did, think for a moment how you would automatically bond with and want your own mom there than your husband's mom. This is a VERY common complaint that moms "lose" their sons when they marry--and daughters commonly get closer to their moms. I think everyone would be a lot happier in the situation if they just looked at it for what it is and not take it personally. Also, the girl just gave birth--do you know how hormonally imbalanced she must have been--and not only that but with a constant stream of people coming in and out of the house when she's exhausted and dealing with a newborn baby. If she snapped and burst into tears it's perfectly "normal" for her to do so under those circumstances. I do think your mom crossed the line for no longer speaking to Britt and saying she's a spoiled selfish brat whose child will be, too. And I'm not surprised by the reaction of her son and Britt's mom. Honestly, your mom "asked for it." In retrospect, while she was there your mom should have just said, "{Britt's mom}, you get to see our grandbaby all the time, I want to hold her as much as I can for these three days I'm here--and then she's all yours." I don't think you should get involved with your brother and Britt, but if you want to suggest that to your mother, maybe she'll stop playing the victim and recognize where she caused the breakdown and will admit that to her son and Britt and heal the relationship.

[lucky7]

Unfortunantly, I agree with the above. I went thru it with my ex's mother when I had my son. She was [extremely pushy though] I'm not saying your mom was, but it can seem like it to a hormonal new mom.

All I wanted was for my mom to help out. And then when I went to the bds parents house it was HELL for me. Not only would she take my newborn [that i wantedto coddle], but then she would have a steady stream of intruders at her house to whom she showed off my baby as her own. And then passed him over to a snot riddled food covered dirty 12 year old girl, and I almost passed out from the stress of it.

I freaked out [protective instinct]. And this woman just looked at me and told me that I was overreacting. You spend 10 months baking a tiny baby, and then you look at them and turn into a perfect basketcase. That's your precious cargo, and EVERYONE is the enemy [at first].

And that was just my expierence just to let you know that it is normal. Plus with her mother being closer she will be the main gramma. As cruel as it sounds, its true.

As for the wedding. My parents are paying, my fmil doesn't seem to have a problem not helping plan. We still have awhile to go, but so far no problems. I haven't known her long, but we seem to get along pretty well.

But with the distance it would probably be hard to include your mom in the planning. And to be honest its hard enough planning it with your own mom, who really wants the added stress of another mom helping?

[TheaterDiva1]

agree with the others - stay out of it. Other than that, how's your relationship with this couple? The best thing would be to focus on that, independent of your mother.

[breezy]

Originally Posted by rockyford

It's hard to stay out of it when you see your mom break down in tears and it is being implied that she might not see her only grandchild if she doesn't do thing her FDIL's way. Ever since that girl has come into our family, she has caused nothing but trouble

It is hard. But it is your Brother that needs to grow a backbone. That is his daughter too.
I am sorry that this marriage isn't a happy union of families. It does sound like FSIL isn't aware of the things that go on around her and how they effect otheres.

[justnmary]

Stay out of it! You may want to play peace maker and make things right, but it will turn around and bite you in the end. Your best bet is to stay neutral and hope in the end it all blows over. If it doesn't....there probably wasn't anything for you to do to help anyway. Be supportive of your mom, let her know you understand she's feeling very hurt, but don't turn on your brother either. You only have one family.

[rockyford]

The kicker in all this is that I introduced them. "Britt" was the friend of a friend. "Britt" had just moved to Georgia, didn't know anyone and I invited her out with my brother and a group of our friends one night. "Britt" and "Troy" hit it off right away and the rest is history. After my mom calmed down, I did hint that she should apologize, but that didn't go over so well. The worst part is that my brother has never really had a great relationship with my mom, but in the last 2 years or so, they had really gotten close. I think that my mom feels that FDIL has sort of caused my brother to not be so close with her anymore-for instance, my brother and FSIL have gotten really close to my dad and his wife, simply because FSIL really likes my stepmom. My brother never got on with my dad or cared for my stepmom (who I would say really deserves the evil stepmom title) until FDIL came along and I sure that bugs my mom too.

[ljeagle]

What the saying?

A daughter is a daughter for ever and a son is only a son till he is married.

I can't remember what it is maybe someone else will remember it. My mother says it all the times.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

Originally Posted by ljeagle

What the saying?

A daughter is a daughter for ever and a son is only a son till he is married.

I can't remember what it is maybe someone else will remember it. My mother says it all the times.

A daughter is a daughter for life and a son is only a son until he takes a wife? Is that it? I don't really know, but it rhymes so it sounds like a saying.

[whiddle]

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

A daughter is a daughter for life and a son is only a son until he takes a wife? Is that it? I don't really know, but it rhymes so it sounds like a saying.

Sounds good.

[feb-bride]

I agree with everyone else - STAY OUT OF IT.

I used to try "helping" my mom whenever she had problems with someone. In the long run, though, I wasn't really helping my mom at all; I was simply enabling her to continue playing the victim. Now, I don't do this for her anymore, and she has taken back a little bit of her own personal power, though she still TRIES to play the victim at times.

[swtdl11552]

Let me preface this by saying that I do understand that a lot contributes to what we say & do. However, I must say, I'm not from the school of blaming anyone else for your own actions. I would not blame your FSIL for what your brother does. I'd like to think that your brother is a grown man and can make decisions that he feels are best for him AND his family (his primary family now is his FW and daughter).

You too will likely be in "Britt's" shoes one day... you'll be the DIL/SIL!!

I had my son and didn't want anyone but my mom around for several reasons...the hormonal imbalance, I didn't know which end was up. Its a trying/exciting/confusing time, when you have a child.

Stay out of it & encourage your Mom to be honest but patient and open with her son. She will win respect that way, and in essence - hopefully eventually win closeness.

[koltsix]

"Britt" doesn't exactly sound accomidating; nor does she sound like she is willing to extend herself to her future family. I've seen this to many times. In fact, its happening in my family right now with my future in-laws who are not at all eager about welcoming me. I find that the best thing is not to burn any bridges, in other words don't make it worse. Kill'em with kindness... it works every time the more they push away or insult the nicer and more accepting I try to be. I find that eventually it comes to a point where even if the people involved don't like eachother they find themselves feeling obligated to be at least civil and polite to eachother and that's a start. At least then no one is fighting. They may be uncomfortable, but they will be in a better position to deal with family gatherings. Besides, your brother is with this girl for better or for worse. The best thing to do is to try and tell your mom to be tolerant and patient or she'll push herself further away from her son who thinks he has to be Romeo for this dramatic Juliet(Britt). We don't want a tragedy like the play.

[kenzies_mama]

I have to agree to stay out of it. And I definitely agree with MTGH. I know when I had my baby I only trusted my mom and grandma with her at first, I wouldn't even let her daddy hold her for long periods of time. Overtime though knowing how much my FMIL loved the baby I tried to let her in more and began to relax. She now spends more time with his parents then mine. I think your mother needs to back down just a bit and give her time. Calling her names will only make her trust her less. If my FMIL had called me that my child would not have the relationship she does with her grandmother, because I wouldn't want someone taking care of my child who thought so poorly of me.

[rockyford]

Talked to my mom and I got to the bottom of all this mess. It seems that there are really 2 problems. One, my mom was really offended by Britt watching her like a hawk the whole time she held my niece. Mom says she felt as if Britt genuinely thought she was going to harm her own grandchild or that she didn't know what she was doing. You are right, I don't have kids or know what is like to be hormonally haywire after having a baby, but neither does my mom-my brother and I are both adopted.

Two, way before this whole baby thing, my mom says that she has felt that Britt always treated her as less than. Meaning less than Britt's mom and less than Britt's family. Mom says Britt's attitude seems to be that now that Britt "has" my brother, my mom is just dead weight, so to speak.

All this has really, really hurt my mom and I think she is just worried about what our family will be like in the future.

[cru5h]

sounds like your mom's problem. Sometimes what we perceive isn't always the way it is on the other side. She needs to talk to Britt, and I stress again, that you do not.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

I agree with Cru5h--all that is your mom's interpretation, i.e., a story she created. For all you both know Britt could have been "watching her like a hawk" because she was beaming seeing her daughter and her grandmother bonding. It doesn't seem to me Britt has DONE or SAID one actual rude thing to anyone. Again, if your mom is feeling "less than," it's HER INTERPRETATION--it has nothing at all to do with Britt. Your mom is the only person who's twisting things around to set herself up as the victim when meanwhile she's lashing out and being cruel and alienating everyone in the family. Not that I think anyone should be "slapped" (per your title) here, but it certainly isn't the FSIL.