changing a religious ceremony - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

maroki13 · #1 04-15-2006, 04:23 AM

A little background: I was raised Lutheran and my FH was raised Catholic. Since we started college, neither of us have attended church much. I attended several different churches in the area but never found one I felt very comfortable with. FH and I have decided that after we get married, we are going to try out different churches and denominations until we find a congregation and church we are comfortable with and want to join.

In the meantime, we don't have a home church. We are getting married in the chapel at the university we both graduated from. My uncle, who is a Southern Methodist minister in Mississippi, is flying out to marry us.

The semi-problem: He sent us a sample of the wedding ceremony he normally uses, and we don't love it. We both feel it is not focused enough on marriage, and we want to change most of the ceremony. We don't necessarily want to erase what he has given us; more edit it and build upon it. However, because he is my uncle, I do feel like I have less of a say in what the wedding ceremony is going to be. I don't want to offend him by completely changing his wedding ceremony, but I do feel strongly about how I want our wedding ceremony to be and what I do (and don't) want it to include. I know if we had hired an officiant or someone unfamiliar to marry us, I would have been vocal about our wishes for our ceremony. Am I afforded this same priviledge as a relative of the officiant? I don't want him to think I am de-emphasizing his religion or erasing the things that are important to him. We have to have him approve our vows way before the ceremony. Although we both want a religious ceremony, we still want to have a say in how religious it is and what elements of the ceremony it contains.

What do you guys think? CW, I'm particularly interested how you would feel as a pastor.

ljeagle · #2 04-15-2006, 04:33 AM

I would just call him up and ask him if he is open to change a few things. I wouldn't push it some will change it and some will not even hear of it. A lot of Methodist around here will let u change things but I have never known a Southern Methodist.

maroki13 · #3 04-15-2006, 04:41 AM

Well, I asked him if he was open to adjustments. He said he was, as long as he approved the vows. However, we aren't just making a few adjustments...we are adjusting almost the entire ceremony. I don't know if that makes it different.

I don't know if there is such a thing as Southern Methodist either...I just know he is Methodist and from a very conservative denomination and background.

Complicated Woman · #4 04-15-2006, 11:36 AM

We don't allow people to change the actual wedding vows, and neither do many other churches. The reason is because the vows were carefully written to be an expression of holy marriage and have been used by Christians to bind their lives together for many years, and we'll encourage people to find meaning in that.

We do allow people to add their own statements of commitment. I don't imagine he would have a problem with this. I think it should be perfectly fine.

Blue Eyes · #5 04-15-2006, 12:29 PM

I don't see why he would be totally offended (it isn't like it's an ugly sculpture). Personally I would have an easier time telling a relative exactly what I wanted than a stranger (but I'm a weirdo). What parts do you not "love"? Vows are usually not allowed to be changed (in some states) mostly because certain aspects MUST be said for the validity of of the marriage, but all officiants know what parts they are so you can incorporate these elements into personal vows. Maybe you can ask to have poetry that focuses on marriage read instead of bible verses, if you want. And just ask him if he has any suggestions to the things you'd like to change- you might be surprised. I'm sure you're not the first bride who wasn't happy with the first draft of her ceremony.

syringa · #6 04-15-2006, 04:47 PM

One thing you may want to clarify for him, and for yourselves, is how you perceive his role. He is probably considering himself to be a representative of his denomination, while you are wanting him to be a representative of God and approach the ceremony from a broader perspective. He may or may not be willing to be flexible, depending on the requirements of his denomination and his comfort level.

ljeagle · #7 04-15-2006, 05:09 PM

Kenny and I just had a consoling with are minister today. After that we went over the wedding ceremony he will let us change parts around but as far as changing words the only thing he would was the Unity Candle. That just because we are doing it different. He is affiliated with Church OF God and I thought those would do about any thing but it looks like I'm wrong.

Complicated Woman · #8 04-15-2006, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maroki13

Although we both want a religious ceremony, we still want to have a say in how religious it is and what elements of the ceremony it contains.

I missed this little bit this morning -- it was 6am when I posted my first reply!

I know that if you were having a religious ceremony in our church, you would not have any say at all in the elements of the ceremony or how much religion was in it. The reason is this: when a couple has a religious ceremony, they are not adding God to THEIR ceremony, they are devoting their ceremony to GOD. Does that make sense? That is one of the big theological principles behind using the traditional ceremony and not allowing people to shape it to their own thing.

Even if your uncle wanted to change it for you, he might not. I don't think he would find it offensive if you asked. It's probably not something he's written himself or anything. I personally wouldn't be insulted at all, people ask all the time about it I am sure. But, I know that when I am ordained and can perform marriages, I wouldn't change it for both personal theological reasons and for denominational ones.

As I mentioned, you can usually arrange the order and add to it, but you probably can't take away from it or rewrite it. Obviously, you will have a lot of freedom with the things you add.

Good luck with it all!

maroki13 · #9 04-15-2006, 08:47 PM

Quote:

As I mentioned, you can usually arrange the order and add to it, but you probably can't take away from it or rewrite it. Obviously, you will have a lot of freedom with the things you add.

We'll see what he says about the sample that we send him. We aren't taking many things out for theological reasons, more because they are parts of the ceremony we don't want or that we aren't familiar with. For example, there is one part in the 'declaration of intention' where we state what sounds exactly like our vows (and when I read the vows, they are very similar) but said at the beginning of the ceremony before my dad gives me away. It just seems very awkward and somewhat unnecessary. To me, us showing up and being there to get married is our declaration of intention.

Also, I guess I'm questioning it because I've checked out sample ceremonies from other denominations and we want something that is somewhat a combination of more than one. Is that something that can ever be achieved? Or will we always be constrained by the denomination of the officiant we choose?

I'm not expecting anyone to be able to answer these questions necessarily, I am simply thinking out loud.

ljeagle · #10 04-16-2006, 03:16 AM

My vows was the same way and I ? it. Here is a copy of my ministers ceremony. After we talked to him today he said a lot of people change that. He also said most fathers don't want to stand there that long. So he is changing that I don't see where he would have a problem with that. As soon as he gets back to me with a new copy I will post it.

SuzyBride · #11 04-17-2006, 04:46 AM

My uncle performed our ceremony and because he was my uncle I felt like I had more of a say in our ceremony. He realized that it was our day and it should be done our way. He showed us what he normally does and we actually liked it, but if we hadn't I know he would have changed whatever we didn't really like/agree with. Just let him know what you like/dislike and ask if you could work together to make it reflect your personalities and the marriage you want to have. I'm sure he would understand.

Sereniti71 · #12 04-23-2006, 12:57 AM

I think you should just ask your uncle for what you want and see what he says. It sounds like you have sent him a request. Because he is your uncle, he may be more flexible. Be sure to keep us posted on how things turn out.