Not sure

[Indigo]

Ok - I had a dream about an ex. I broke up with him because he was not what I wanted at the time. Now I am thinking about him constantly. It is affecting my relationship with DF because my ex was a great guy and I keep comparing them. My DF is very immature and is not growing up. We have a 2 year old and decided to get married because it was the next logical step. I do love him but wish he would step up to the plate a be a man. My ex would have been the best father, husband in the world. This one is not doing very well.

Has anyone gone through anything similar?

[ljeagle]

I'm sorry that you have this hard choice. This is only my No one needs to marry someone because it is the next logical step. You need to be marrying him because you love him and you can't see your future with out him. If this is just a random thought give it a few days and think about it again. If your fh is not holding up to what you think he should talk with him and see if you to can work it out.

[breezy]

If you both attended parenting classes would it help? Just an idea.

I agree with LJ, but I haven't been there.

[cru5h]

Originally Posted by ljeagle

I'm sorry that you have this hard choice. This is only my No one needs to marry someone because it is the next logical step.

This is my too. A marriage that begins with problems rarely ever works them out. I highly suggest you reconsider marriage for now.

I'd also like to add that when I dream of my ex (who was awful, by the way) I often feel a soft spot in my heart for him, even after all we've been through. But I can't see myself with anyone but Richy.

I also want to add that being the best parents you can be to your child doesn't mean you have to be married. In fact, some parents work better separately. It seems unfortunate, but I think it's great you've recognized that something about getting married to your fiance isn't right. Please go with your gut on this. I'm not suggesting you run back to your ex, but give yourself LOTS of time to figure out what you really want.

Talking to your fiance, in depth, is the first thing you need to do. Let him know your feelings for him are changing (don't bring up the ex, I think that's just a symptom, something to tie your feelings to).

[swtdl11552]

My ex and I are great parents, apart. He is so attentive and so responsible. We were terrible together. Now the kids see us working together, compromising and upholding certain values that we forgot all about when we were too busy fighting (married). Not voicing my support for divorce - just saying, had we thought about it a little more first, maybe we wouldn't have gotten married at that time, and held off to make sure.

I would strongly suggest what the other girls also said. Don't marry b/c it seems logically the next step. There is nothing at all logical about that statement sunshine!!

[Lizbet]

I agree that this is something you should talk out and resolve before the wedding. Cru5h is right regarding not actually bringing up the ex as that would most likely just put your FH on the defensive. This is something that really needs to be discussed in depth. not just for the sake of you and your FH, but also the little child in your lives.

[Complicated Woman]

I agree with Cru5h.

I'll add my . Please don't marry your FH with the expectation that he will change into the person you want him to be. It's unfair to both of you and to your little one. You should be marrying him because you love who he is and you want to commit to be with him no matter who he grows into, trusting that the core of his character will remain.

If he isn't the partner you want now, he isn't going to morph into the partner you want once he's wearing a ring. And you'll be cheating him out of being with someone who IS suited to him.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

I agree with Cru5h.

I'll add my . Please don't marry your FH with the expectation that he will change into the person you want him to be. It's unfair to both of you and to your little one. You should be marrying him because you love who he is and you want to commit to be with him no matter who he grows into, trusting that the core of his character will remain.

If he isn't the partner you want now, he isn't going to morph into the partner you want once he's wearing a ring. And you'll be cheating him out of being with someone who IS suited to him.

Are we up to $1 yet? I agree with this statement completely.

[Heather]

When I was engaged I had numerous dreams about my ex. I think the dreams are normal for you to experience right now, but there is also a lot more than simple wedding jitters going on.

I totally agree with the other girls.

[wynelle]

Adding my agreement. In this case, I think your subconscious is telling you to slow down.

[Indigo]

Thanks for all of your replies. I did have a talk with DF and he wants to try to be more helpful. He has been going through a depression due to loosing hours at work (they were not guaranteed hours in the first place). He does not know what he wants to do for a career and changes his mind daily. I wish he would just figure something out and get a job - so to speak. We have a family now and he needs something consistent with benefits.

I guess once we had a baby I kind of did most of the growing up right away. It has taken him 3 years to get to where he is right now. I guess the problem is that I only look at what he still needs to do, not what he has accomplished.

When I say getting married is the next logical step I mean that we have been together for 7 years, either we get married or we break up. Neither one of us has been content in the limbo stage. I want to move on with my life and have more children. He does not want more children unless he is married. I would not be happy without him either. If we broke up and I moved out, we would just continue to hang out and be with each other. We cannot afford to pay for two rents and have the childcare we are accustomed to. Plus that would not be good for our son.

My family has their plane tickets for the wedding, they would really be mad if I canceled. I know that does not sound like a good reason to get married but it's a small reason. Their tickets were 700 dollars each for 5 of them.

I am kind of looking at it as a phase in my life. Right now I will have a family. I will see later what life brings. Maybe we will work out and maybe we will not. At least I will have tried for the sake of the family. Plus I am 35 and really want at least one more child. If we broke up that would never happen. I can't imagine meeting someone, having a relationship, marrying, and having another child in the next 5 years. I would not want to have a baby after 40.

Now I know this all sound horrible. I am not a bad person. I am just trying to do what is best for my family. We did have that amazing WOW love in the beginning. We have just started to grow apart. That would have happened if we got married right away. So I guess I will pretend that we got married 4-5 years ago. We just have to make it through this dry spell. I doesn't help that I am dreaming about my ex's. I am compulsive by nature so that explains why i am compulsively thinking of him. Plus we never had any closure. He now lives in Hawaii so there is no running off with him anyway.

Thanks for listening.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

I can SO relate to you! With my ex-husband we were engaged when I got pregnant at 21. It just sort of "made sense" to get married then. Well, I had my doubts, but my mom really forced it. So, I can totally relate to feeling like your family would "be mad" if you didn't. I also was the one who "gre up real fast" with having a baby. My ex-husband just never did. We also rushed into having another baby for the same sort of time constraints--well, I didn't want the kids to be more than 3 years apart. All this was based on what my mom wanted and what I thought the family "should be" like--even though the base of the marriage us was always off. Having another child didn't help him "grow up" either--in fact he sort of veered left because he really couldn't handle the pressure. That's when he became an alcoholic and everything REALLY fell apart. I think the fact that you know he isn't right in the long-haul and you're in this more because it's cheaper and your family would be mad and you have a timeline for another baby, etc. Realize for a moment 50-60% of marriages end in divorce when people GO INTO the marriage feeling like they have a stable relationship and they're committed to a life together. It sounds like you're going into this because the alternative is breaking up--which means you feel you'll break up eventually anyway. It'll be easier for the baby to grow up with mom and dad apart than it will be to force a life that's not working, put the child through a bad marriage and an inevitable divorce...plus another child just because you're 35... I think your family would rather cancel their plane ticket than see you go through all that. What feels right TO YOU--not what you feel you should do. That was my biggest mistake--doing what I thought I should do, not what I felt deep inside.

[feb-bride]

I hope you consider what everyone has said so far. I think it would be a mistake to marry a man just because you want another baby before you turn 40. What if you do have that second baby and he still doesn't grow up? If you end up leaving him, you will now be raising TWO kids as a single parent.

I don't think you should even factor in the family plane tickets in your decision to marry or not marry this man. No one should get married just because people already bought plane tickets. If your family members really love you, they won't expect you to get married just because they bought plane tickets. They can still fly out to see you and your child, even if there is no wedding.

Good luck.

[wynelle]

The plane tickets remind me of the story of Princess DI and her sisters. Di wasn't sure she really wanted to get married and her sisters sid she had to because "They've already printed the tea towels." We know how *that* marriage ended up.