Was I wrong to tell FMIL the truth? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

scoopbride · #1 03-23-2006, 03:04 AM

FH is the middle of 6 kids-2 boys and 2 girls. Ever since we got engaged, FMIL has been hounding me that we should have a "girls" day twice a month, every other Saturday-do lunch, shopping, etc. In the past two months, she has bombarded me with emails at home, called me at work and on my cell and at home about this. I blew her off nicely at first, but yesterday, I had had it. I told her the truth, which was that I prefer to do "girly" stuff-lunch, shopping, etc with only my mom, my sisters and best friends. I think it is better to be honest than go along and be miserable and have FMIL sense it. Now keep in mind, FMIL has two daughters that she is really close to, so it is not like she is trying to do all the girly stuff with me cause has no daughters. I just feel she is being overbearing.

michaelsbride · #2 03-23-2006, 03:22 AM

I have the same problem with my FMIL except she has no daughters and my FH is her only child. It drives me crazy. She calls me in FL when she cant reach him in KY. and shes always wanting to get together to talk to me about her boyfriend troubles. i feel like screaming "we are NOT girlfriends!" i finally told my FH he needed to reign her in and sort of imply that "dont call me i'll call you" mode. but to keep her happy, i TRY to see her for lunch or an afternoon like once a month. maybe you could try a solution like that?

Kim&Bob2004 · #3 03-23-2006, 03:24 AM

Welcome ScoopBride.

I think there could be a chance that your FMIL was just trying to include you in her new family, what do you think? It sounds as if she really wants to be close to her new "daughter" so I wouldn't be too hard on her. I think it was OK to say right now you are really busy, but ya know there may come a time where you really do want a good relationship with your FMIL. I know my mom always thought when she was young that my grandmother was overbearing but after several years began to see the love my grandmother had for her and while her advice wasn't always wanted, it was given with love. My dad's mom (my grandma) became, in time, more of a mother to her than her own. I don't have a MIL (she passed away in 1993) and wish I did. How close is your FH to his family? It's hard to give advice only knowing one side.....

sparklesweetie · #4 03-23-2006, 03:24 AM

*This is all just the opinion of me, so take it with a grain of salt.*

I think that you could have been a little nicer. I mean, if you didn't want to go every other Sat., why couldn't you go at least once a month? If I was your FMIL, I'd be hurt that you just told me you did not want to hang out with me, ever. You are going to be joining into your FH's family, and she's a part of that. Or invite her to come with you and your mom, etc. I don't see what was so wrong with her wanting to spend time with you. Yes, maybe she was overbearing about getting you to agree, but maybe she's just excited, you know?

ljeagle · #5 03-23-2006, 03:28 AM

Welcome to PASH! Hey I'll trade you FMIL!

cru5h · #6 03-23-2006, 03:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparklesweetie

I think that you could have been a little nicer. I mean, if you didn't want to go every other Sat., why couldn't you go at least once a month? If I was your FMIL, I'd be hurt that you just told me you did not want to hang out with me, ever. You are going to be joining into your FH's family, and she's a part of that. Or invite her to come with you and your mom, etc. I don't see what was so wrong with her wanting to spend time with you. Yes, maybe she was overbearing about getting you to agree, but maybe she's just excited, you know?

This is pretty much how I feel about it too. No, you don't have to chill with her every other weekend, but I would have given her something to work with, like once a month, or something, but that *I* would call her about it. I can totally understand that you don't want to hang out with her at all in a girlfriend or daughterlike setting, but to tell her basically "no - never" had to really hurt her feelings.

After just one session with you, I'm sure she would see you two weren't meant to hang out like buddies (if things went bad). And if things went well, then you'd both be happy and could set something up to your liking.

I just think there was a nicer way to go about it.

syringa · #7 03-23-2006, 04:43 AM

As a MIL to two girls and one guy, I vote for cutting your MIL some slack. I have been fortunate that all of our family, kids and their spouses, all get along really well together. In fact, we go to an extreme in that my daughter's MIL, who has only the one child, my son-in-law, invites all of us to spend time together whenever my one daughter-in-law comes from out of state to visit. We really enjoy spending some girl time together as an extended family.

This is going to be your extended family. You may find that you really enjoy spending time with your MIL and your two sisters-in-law. I wouldn't create any barriers that might harm your future relationship. Telling her that you prefer to do girly things only with your mom, sisters, and friends could have hurt her more than you realize. You don't have to do things with her all the time or nearly as often as she suggests, but you may want to rethink not doing things with her at all.

scoopbride · #8 03-23-2006, 06:02 AM

But I do prefer to just do girly things with my mom and friends and sisters. I don't care to do them with FMIL. I just told the truth. I just see spending time with her as an obligation and I only do it with FH. I don't really have a desire to spend time with her outside of that. I am always polite, civil and respectful, but i have the right to spend my quality time with who I want to spend it with

munchkin · #9 03-23-2006, 06:07 AM

yes, you certainly do have the right to spend time with who you want. What does your FH say? Also, what is your past history with FMIL?
Personally I think you were too blunt from what you've said already, but of course none of us know the whole story and we don't know any of the history of your interactions with her. However, like others have said it might be good for family harmony to do the occasional thing with her, since she is going to be part of your family and I presume is important to your fiance. I'm not saying you need to do the every second Saturday thing, but every so often, like every couple months or something, I'm sure she would appreciate getting to spend time with you.

scoopbride · #10 03-23-2006, 06:11 AM

FH is close to his mother, but I have never been. It's never really anything that has been done or said, but we didn't get off to the best start and I just don't feel comfortable around her and we just don't mesh well, so I just like to only spend time with FH and minimize contact. Now FH's dad and his stepmom and the rest of his family I get on with, but FMIL gives me pause. IT's just better for me that I don't spend a lot of time around her. She just makes me uneasy.

ljeagle · #11 03-23-2006, 06:16 AM

Maybe she is just wanting to get to know you so you are not so uneasy when being around her. One of the things I hate is that I can't get along with my fmil. Now if she is going behind your back and just totally disrespecting u I could see you not wanting to spend time with her. But if those are not things she is doing then what would it hurt to go have lunch with her one day and just see how it goes. We don't know you back ground so it's hard for us to tell you what we would do. Think about it if your father would want to take your fh out for a day hunting or fishing and he said no he didn't want to spend time with him. How would that make your father feel?

scoopbride · #12 03-23-2006, 06:18 AM

THe thing is, I told the truth, that is how I feel. Why is that so wrong? Why lie about it? You are supposed to tell the truth.

ljeagle · #13 03-23-2006, 06:34 AM

Sorry I'm just looking at it like if my fsdil (future stepdaughter in law) would say that to me I would be really hurt. No your not post to lie but it might just be me I would never say something if it could hurt someone. Now if my fmil would ask me to go somewhere I would be trying to figure out what she was up to. A lot of us here know how mil and fmil can be. If you don't want to go do things with her I totally understand but I just don't want u to have the kind of relationship my fmil and I do. She could be a fmil from hell and be trying every thing in her power for you not to marry her son. Believe me you don't want that I'm there and it is no fun.

fallbride · #14 03-23-2006, 11:36 AM

This is the time to melt 2 families as one. So maybe you could ask her to go with you and your mom & girlfriends. I dont mean all the time, but maybe every once in awhile. My FH's x-wife hated his mother and that made some tough times for them in their marriage. I think you need to give your FMIL a chance. She is going to be part of your life now.

Complicated Woman · #15 03-23-2006, 12:26 PM

I think you were too blunt. And, being blunt back, no, I don't honestly think you have a "right" to spend your free time any way you want and ignore and cut off your FMIL. She's going to be a part of your life and if your FH loves her, you should learn to have a relationship with her, too. I can see where twice a month is too big a time commitment, but maybe once a month or even just every so often. Marriage is a sacrifice, and truthfully, I bet that getting lunch 12 times a year with the woman who raised the man you love is NOT the biggest sacrifice you'll have to make.

But...This sounds very familiar...like filmnoir...and this person used some of the same phrasing...I'm starting to suspect a troll here. Anybody else see what I'm seeing? Sorry if I'm wrong, scoopbride.

swtdl11552 · #16 03-23-2006, 12:53 PM

I think its good that you told the truth...but I do believe that when you marry someone (or plan to marry them) you are planning to marry their entire family. Not saying you would have LOVED it...but maybe you could have told her that you do have other obligations, and other people you like spending time with - but maybe once a month or once every 6 weeks you guys would be able to enjoy time together. It might be helpful for you and your FH's relationship - and relationships in the future. At some point you might do a reversal and decide that you DISlike being the "excluded" one - so tread lightly...

Again, don't lie - you did the right thing, in general, by speaking your mind and being honest. But I agree with the girls that a little softness wouldn't have hurt in this situation.

None of us know what is 100% right for you or your FH...please don't think people are criticizing you for your honesty...just understand that if opinons are asked, you will get HONEST ones!!

555Ann555 · #17 03-23-2006, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

I think you were too blunt. And, being blunt back, no, I don't honestly think you have a "right" to spend your free time any way you want and ignore and cut off your FMIL. She's going to be a part of your life and if your FH loves her, you should learn to have a relationship with her, too. I can see where twice a month is too big a time commitment, but maybe once a month or even just every so often. Marriage is a sacrifice, and truthfully, I bet that getting lunch 12 times a year with the woman who raised the man you love is NOT the biggest sacrifice you'll have to make.

But...This sounds very familiar...like filmnoir...and this person used some of the same phrasing...I'm starting to suspect a troll here. Anybody else see what I'm seeing? Sorry if I'm wrong, scoopbride.

I was wondering if I was having deja vu!
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but all sounds very familiar

I agree with CW on the situation with your FMIL.

There is a difference between being telling the truth in a tactful way, and telling it in a hurtful way. Your intentions count for very little if the result is an uncomfortable situation with your FMIL.

If you're mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to deal with the people involved in that marriage. It isn't as simple as you and you FH. There are lots of other people involved

Then again, it is your decision to make. You have the right never to spend time with her ever if that is what you choose, but you have to be aware that there will be a price to pay either way. You either pay now by visiting her regularly or you pay later.

Fell free to ignore this, but you did ask if I thought your words were justified.

Anyway, welcome to Pash! We tend to give you our real opinions when you ask for it

And for all this might not have been the answer you wanted you are still very welcome

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #18 03-23-2006, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 555Ann555

I was wondering if I was having deja vu!
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but all sounds very familiar

Ann, I was going to post the same thing. Yes, we had someone post with the same issue several months ago with the same attitude toward the FMIL. I think the other girls said everything that I would. She WILL be your family. You are doing a huge disservice to your FH by unnecessarily causing a rift between you and your FMIL. Despite your "rocky start," the woman is reaching out to you now and trying to build a relationship with you. Of course you should set a boundary so she doesn't expect you to be best friends 24/7. But you should meet the woman halfway or at least some fraction of the way instead of alienating her. You could have said something like, "Oh, that's such a great suggestion! I would love to spend more time with you. However, my schedule is really hectic with ___ and ___ and ___. Can we try to shoot for every other month instead of every other week?" You owe it to your FH to try to develop and maintain a good relationship with your new family. How would you feel if he spoke to your mother that way?

TheaterDiva1 · #19 03-23-2006, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scoopbride

THe thing is, I told the truth, that is how I feel. Why is that so wrong? Why lie about it? You are supposed to tell the truth.

Well, you did ask our opinion (at least, that's what I gathered from your OP), and I agree with the others - I think a compromise might be in order. If every other week is too much, suggest once a month. I'm sorry if that wasn't what you wanted to hear, but that's one thing you can count on at Pash - honest opinions.

cru5h · #20 03-23-2006, 03:19 PM

No one said telling the truth was wrong. You're missing the 800 times people are telling you that you were too blunt or that you could have been nicer about it.

Complicated Woman · #21 03-23-2006, 03:29 PM

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees the similarities -- I think it's the same person and I suspect they're just here to stir things up.

"Gives me pause" is not a phrase I hear a lot and they've both used it, they both treated their FMIL kind of shabbily, only posted in their thread and just kept asking more questions/posted responses that begged the same reaction they had already gotten and I have a feeling that this thread has potential to get long and drawn out and

.

If this is a troll, I don't want to feed it.

cru5h · #22 03-23-2006, 03:33 PM

I'd bet money this is the same person after reading the thread again.
http://www.pashweddings.com/weddingf...read.php?t=956

Not that it matters, just know that any advice we give has already been given, and is obviously not going to acknowledged. Don't waste your breath, basically.

wynelle · #23 03-23-2006, 04:35 PM

Troll or no troll, the anwer is still the same.

Your FMIL is someone important to your FH. Your FMIL was reaching out to you. There is blunt, and there is so blunt it is rude. I think you crossed the line, Unless you like being treated as an outsider by his entire family, I think you should call her and invite her to join you and the other women on one of your outings. You don't have to include her every time, but the occasional inclusion wouldn't hurt and would probably help smooth the relationship.

feb-bride · #24 03-23-2006, 04:49 PM

Being truthful is one thing, but being rude is quite another. I think you were rude/too blunt with your response to FMIL. I don't "click" with my MIL. It's not that I don't like her, but it's just that we're different people and don't have the same viewpoint on anything. If she wanted to spend time with me, I would never be so rude as to tell her that I never want to spend time with her. I would have softened my answer.

How does your FH feel about how blunt you were with his mother? I know that my husband would not appreciate it if I was so rude to his mother. And, as a mother of two sons, I would be hurt beyond words if their girlfriends/wives ever were that rude to me.

Kim&Bob2004 · #25 03-23-2006, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scoopbride

THe thing is, I told the truth, that is how I feel. Why is that so wrong? Why lie about it? You are supposed to tell the truth.

Ok, I am gonna be blunt here because I sense that you need bluntness and frankly if you are gonna give it expect it back.

I think you were rude. If I were your FH I would look at the way you were treating my family and think to myself that you would end up being rude to me too and never take into consideration my feelings but be selfish and harkening to your whims only. You say that your FH and his mother are close. Well sweetheart, she gave birth to your FH, raised your FH and you can't find it in your heart to show her a little kindness? If I were your FH I would tell you it was off.