I need some help.... - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

JessLynn · #1 03-19-2006, 08:12 PM

I have got a majorly complicated suituation...I have been with Josh for almost 3 years, and we are planning to get married. The problem is, we have majorly disfunctional families. They all want to be involved, and while we are both totally for that, there are millions of them.

Lemme start with my side. My parents got divorced almost ten years ago, they are both remarried to other people who brought their own children into the relationship. My mom married Ray, and he brough his three children, who I am very close to. My dad married Pam, and I am not close to her two children at all. While I know that they can all be cordial for a day together, I am kinda worried about seating. I am equally clise to both of my parents, and they are both helping out with the wedding. The new partners have no problem with eachother, but how should everyone be seated?

Now for his side. His parents seperated about 3 months ago, due to the fact that his dad was seeing another woman. Josh isn't close to his dad at all, and has never been even before this. So obviously, we don't want his dad there. However, his mom and his dad's family are ungodly close, and they all side with the mother. I get along with his huge extended clan rather well, and would love to have them all at my wedding. How do I seat them???

Our wedding is going to be average, about 60 adults invited, with a total of 17 children aged ten or younger. Any tips on what to do to keep the kids occupied? I can't turn my wedding into a childless one, that would cause his sister and brother not to come (they have 8 children between them...) and I am very close to all of them. I just don't know what to do. I am afraid that the cost of my wedding will escalate to what we cannot afford because of all of the special arrangements that I am forseeing.

I spent alot of time talking to Josh about all of this, and all he keeps telling me is to make sure that WE are happy, and don't worry about what other people think. I agree with him, but I don't want everyone else's possible misery to rub off on me on my wedding day.

If you're still reading this, please help....I think that I just got myself more confused typing all this out...

Jess

ARISMOM · #2 03-19-2006, 08:43 PM

First, let me say Welcome to Pash!!

Well it seems that with 60 adults, it would be something small. So what I think is to get a reception with the round tables, that seat 10. and even though having seating arrangements is more organized, In this situation I would let them choose where to sit when they arrive. But then again that depends how many people can the recepcion hall accomodate. It doesnt seem much of a problem if you say his mother is close to his dads family.
I'm assuming they wouldn't mind seating together. I dont think you have to seat your family apart from his family (same side of the room, different table)

about the children, I wouldnt worry to much. There are some recepcion halls where you can rent another little room for the children. I guess the hard part would be to find someone to volunteer to watch them.

ljeagle · #3 03-19-2006, 10:46 PM

For the ceremony I would have your mother family be on the first row and your father family on the second row or the other way around. For his side I would just have his mothers side on the first row and then have the fathers side that is coming on the next row.
For the receptions! For the parents I would just put them at different tables. If you do round table I think that would work perfect. If you are having a dinner that don't require being severed then let people seat there self. I am having servers thanks to I think it was Margie on here I'm copying her. I am having 3 type of place cards one black and the other silver the black will be for chicken and silver for steak then who every is getting kids plates I am doing cups. I will have a table set up at the entrance of the room with the cards and cups on them. They will find there name and take that card to where every they want to be. I am doing a kid table on each side of the table. I am having white paper table cloths and have crayons placed all over the table. They will each have a place mats that they can color. For center pieces I will have jars with birdseed with little objects in them for them to find. If someone knows the place we talked about that b-4 maybe they will post that link.

cru5h · #4 03-19-2006, 11:02 PM

http://www.pashweddings.com/weddingf...read.php?t=878

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #5 03-19-2006, 11:10 PM

Welcome to Pash! Yeah, some of the girls have ideas for how to keep kids occupied. A few girls have hired a babysitter to keep them occupied with activities. As for seating, I'd ask your parents what they feel comfortable with. Since they get along, they might not mind sitting together at a parents' table. Otherwise have your mom and her close relatives at one table and your dad with his close relatives at another table. It also sounds like it would be acceptable to your FH's family to have all of his dad's relatives there without his dad. How far off is the wedding? If it's like a year or more, I'd give it some time before deciding whether or not to write off FH's dad/ Obviously the hurt of the separation is still new and raw--in time he might feel it's important to him to have his father there. Wishing you all the best!

JessLynn · #6 03-19-2006, 11:17 PM

My FH is the middle of three children, and he was always the fogotten one by his dad. I hink that most of the hurt that is coming from him towards his dad is from childhood. For example, his older brother worked construction with his dad, but Josh was considered "not useful" because his vision was really bad when he was younger. (thank god for cataract surgery). And then his younger sister was the pretty popular prom queenish type (though she is not the least bit stuck up), but she was daddy's little girl. They never really got along, and I just don't want the hurt that is between them to bother my FH on our wedding day. We are still a year and a half away, but I don't know if that little amount of time will fix things that have been building up for 25 years. I can only hope for the best! Thanks!

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #7 03-19-2006, 11:36 PM

If you want to discuss this further, I'm pretty known around here for talking through inner child stuff. Yes, that's a HUGE burden for someone to carry throughout life--until he works through it and can let go of the pain and the impact its had on how he views himself. I know not everyone really "believes in" therapy, but it would be the best thing your FH could do for himself. Even if he's the only "normal one" in the family--it really helps one work through the impact the rest of the family has had on his life.

JessLynn · #8 03-19-2006, 11:45 PM

I totally agree with you on the therapy thing. He and I are, for the most part polar opposites. I love talking about everything and working things out. And then there's my Josh...if he didn't have to talk to the general public again for the rest of his life, he wouldn't. I don't know how he would actually react to a therapy session. I suggested it to him once and he said that he didn't need it. There is obviously some denial going on, but then again, he is naturally quiet. Any advice you can give would be awesome Jen!
-Jess

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #9 03-20-2006, 12:09 AM

Well, if he's not open to it, there really isn't much you can do about it. You can tell him how much you feel it could only be a positive step for your marriage if he is willing to work on the past and learn how to open up--but maybe try to word it in a way where it's about both of your communication, not just saying it about him (which he could interpret as blaming or you saying there's something "wrong" with him). You could suggest couple's counseling as something you feel is a good way to start off a marriage--and in that way it's about your relationship, not about "his issues." It sounds like you already talk to him about your emotions, and that could be a positive influence. The more you talk about your childhood issues (i.e., I feel this way because of this experience when I was a child...), the more he may be willing to see that, Wow, this really works for Jess, and start making his own connections. If you try asking him about his feelings, does he just shut down? Do you think it would have an impact at all to tell him how important that emotional intimacy is and that you need him to open up to you about his feelings so you can really understand each other moving forward? I've recommended this book so many times here:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/080...Fencoding=UTF8
I really think it should be recommended reading for everyone on the planet. It covers so many communication issues and how most people have some level of emotional unavailability that I think pretty much anyone would relate to something in the book. If you check it out and can recognize Oh, I have this going on or this sounds exactly like Josh, it would be a really good first step in figuring out how to have a totally emotionally intimate and present relationship. And even if you feel your communication with each other is great--it's just with others that's a problem, it will help you learn how to relate and communicate with anyone.

JessLynn · #10 03-20-2006, 12:16 AM

I will def. take a look at that book. It took him quite a long time to open up to me about his family and his childhood, and there are still things that I don't know I'm sure. Our communication with each other is great; he doesn't really shy away from the conversations as much as he used to. Still, the majority of what I know about his childhood came from his mom and his one really nosy neighbor (I didn't ask, it came up in conversations, I don't want you to think that I am investigation him or anything). But other things are just evident, when his dad enters the room, Josh will actually leave. It doesn't help matters that he is dearly close to his mom and that his mom and dad are going at it right now. I try to talk to him about that too, that there may be a prospect of divorce, and since I went through that with my parents, I know what goes on. I think that at 25, he just isn't used to any of this instability.
Jess

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #11 03-20-2006, 12:47 AM

Aw.

Yeah, that's not good if most of what you know of him emotionally is through his mom and neighbor.

I do hope you'll check out the book. Take it from someone who's been divorced (why my FH is the "good husband") my ex-husband was also emotionally closed off. Without getting into all of [/i]my[/i] childhood issues--well, just a little

--my dad was very emotionally distant and I spent my life seeing my mother try to get him to open up. I thought that's what a relationship was and if I could find the most emotionally closed off guys possible and be the one to get them to open up, it would "fix" them and my past... Well, let's just say it's not as fulfilling as it sounds!

As hard as it is to understand, you are going into a marriage with a big strike against you if one partner is incapable of opening up emotionally. Oh, jeez, I've been getting in trouble for "alienating" new members with my advice lately! I'm sensing you're open to talking about all this, so I hope it's ok. If not, please let me know. If this is something you and Josh can work on together now, obviously it would be easier than if you ignore it and have to deal with it later. But it does sound like this is something you are wanting to work on now.

And, where in NJ are you? I'm in Lincoln Park (Morris county).

JessLynn · #12 03-20-2006, 01:18 AM

I'll adress the easy part first, I'm actually right outside of Atlantic City.

And yes, I am very open to talking about this. I am like you, I went through a string of relationships where all I wanted to do was fix the individual. So I understand why it isn't all it is cracked up to be. Something about him is different though, possibly why we are getting married, LOL.

Regardless, I am going to talk to him later about just doing some pre-marital couples counseling. That might be the best way to get him to open up without him thinking that I am prying into something that he doesn't want to share. That might be the best way to approach it. I don't want it to come between us, though I think that he would break down and tell me before it caused a real fight. Smooth sailing has always been my first choice, but hey, choppy waters can be fun too...

You're awesome Jen! Thanks!
-Jess

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #13 03-20-2006, 01:43 PM

Aw, thanks, Jess! Good luck talking to him about the couple's counseling! Let me know how it goes!

Complicated Woman · #14 03-20-2006, 01:47 PM

I just wanted to say welcome to Pash, I think Jen has given you all the advice I would!

555Ann555 · #15 03-20-2006, 05:07 PM

I also wanted to add a hello

and welcome to Pash!

Someone on here made a suggestion a week or two ago about the seating plans at receptions. I don't remmber where the thread was, but the jist of it was to place akward family members, or those you want to show respect to at specific seats.

EG Table 1: MOB & StepFOB, MOB's Parents, Siblings & step siblings from MOB-SFOB. (maybe 6 people?)

Table 2: FOB & StepMOB, FOB's Parents, Siblings & step siblings of FOB & SMOB.

Is this making sense? lol

You'd have to do about 4 tables I think, because if his parents are seperated you'd maybe want to do the same sort of set up for his side...

That would leave all your friends, aunts & uncles, and general relatives to find there own seats...