MIL Hell - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

shan82 · #1 03-10-2006, 04:56 AM

I used to love my future in laws. Sure, they were completely the opposite of my family and I didn't agree with all of how they lead their lives, but I respected them enough to let it go. But now an issue has come to light that causes me to hold a grudge, and like an elephant- I never forget! My fiancee gave me an ultimatum about a week ago that if I don't make more money he's not sure we can be together and that we should sell our house. I was really pissed off. Sure, I don't make as much money as him, but I put as much money as him into the mortgage and bills (which I pay all of btw) and I also pay the car insurance for MY CAR which I use to drive him to work everyday and go to work an hour early to accomodate his schedule. As soon as I started to defend myself he says to me "Well when we moved out my parents said to me "well you're sure in for a treat" " (add sarcastic voice). I was like wtf!!!! His mother is insisting that I wear her UGLY wedding dress. I was trying to be nice and humour her by wearing it since her only daughter is quite large and in charge, but after that comment NO THANKS!!!!!! His mother works full time to support their family while his dad stays home. His sister is a year younger than us so it's not like she needs a babysitter. He's been raised watching his dad get waited on hand and food and that shit is not going to fly in our house. My dad is constantly bugging me that he needs to have a man to man talk with him. My dad is big and scary and he tends to use offensive and descriptive narratives to make a point so I didn't want him to do it, but after this I'm considering it. This money issue has only become an issue since he didn't get a job he applied for in a town about four hours away that was a 56000/year salary compared to his 37000 that he makes now. He said to me that we should be out enjoying life and going on all kinds of trips and have new cars and our house should have new floors and a new patio and new siding (we just moved in a little over a year ago). I think this is unrealistic and as a couple who has been together since highschool and owned a house at age 22, both working full time, own our own cars and my only debt being a student loan I think we're doing pretty darn good for ourselves. How do I make him see his expectations are unrealistic. I'm not going to be his mother, and NOBODY I know can afford to live the life he wants.

ljeagle · #2 03-10-2006, 05:05 AM

As far as FMIL you have the good, the bad, and the ugly if you ask me. One thing I have learned you don't want to come in the middle of a mother and her son. It don't work to good! U learn to deal with your FMIL and let things go in one ear and out the other. Did she really know you when she said this or was it just said out of anger cause u was taken her boy away. If you don't like her dress then don't wear it just let her know u want something of your own.

For the problem you are having with your fh I don't want to touch that. I'm sure every one will be here soon to let you know what they think.

shan82 · #3 03-10-2006, 05:43 AM

When she said the comment about me we had already been together a LONG time and I had lived at their house on and off for about five years of that time and when she would ask him to do something he would ignore her and I would be the one to go do it and she would say "Oh thank you Andrew for doing that" and I let him take the credit because I didn't care now I am angry at her. He told me if I even made another 2000/year it would make him happy, but I don't think I should have to quit my job that I actually don't mind and do something I hate like my last job just to make more money. I'm not a job whore. My mom flipped her lid when I told her. She makes 25/hour working from home and her husband makes 80/hour as an IT manager at a local university and she says they can't even afford to have fancy things and do everything they want. And they're old. ha. Anyways I think I'm going to mention it in front of his friends. I think they will laugh at him and maybe show him how foolish his expectations are. He hasn't mentioned it since and one night I joked about it when he asked me where I was going I told him I was going to give hand jobs out of the back of a van to make another 2G a year and he seemed apologetic and sheepish that night. So I don't think that is an issue, but what it lead to is a BIG issue for me. It's hard to let it go in one ear and out the other when it came as such a blow after ALL of these years and then suddenly I find out she's been talking smack about me.

Cirig · #4 03-10-2006, 01:07 PM

I am going to speak before MTGH- and suggest counseling. It sounds to me like your FH is not ready to get married. He's being selfish too- why should YOU make more $? Why isn't it a team effort?

cru5h · #5 03-10-2006, 01:32 PM

I third the need for counseling. This is one of those situations couples divorce over, and you two aren't even married yet. If it were me I would tell him we're postponing the wedding and all plans for it until the issue is resolved. You're comfortable with the way things are, he's the one with a problem with you guys not being the Trumps or something. That is a deal-breaker, when you can't agree on how the money that is about to be shared between you is being spent. Going into any marriage with that kind of a problem, the relationship is doomed to fail. And in order for him to take it seriously, you need to be serious about it. I wish you luck. Your FMIL's dress is the least of your problems here.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #6 03-10-2006, 01:41 PM

Hi, Shan! Ok, Cirig sort of "introduced me" there

. Man, I've really been trying to hold back on my "unsolicited advice" lately

--especially with someone we just "met." However, with this statement:

Quote:

Originally Posted by shan82

My fiancee gave me an ultimatum about a week ago that if I don't make more money he's not sure we can be together .

...WHY would you want to marry him anyway? He's controlling you with ultimatums--and already threatening out before you're married. Do you want a marriage if you're not living up to everything *he* wants he's going to give you some "my way or the highway" crap?

On another note, I'm also quite concerned that you seem to be with him just because it's been "so long." Since he's your high school sweetheart, neither one of you has ever had an adult relationship outside of each other. In that instance, it seems like you're sticking with him out of fear of not being with him. It's not going to be "happily ever after" when you get married. So, the biggest piece of advice is to think long and hard about this. Nobody goes into a marriage thinking they'll get a divorce. I hate to say this, but you have enough strikes against you that it makes your chances that much greater.

Your seem to be framing this as a problem with your in-laws. Somehow I'm missing that. You start about the in-laws, but it's all about your fiance. And if you're making excuses for your fiance's expectations based on his parents, sure that's where it stems from, but it's still his beliefs and value system.

Indigo · #7 03-10-2006, 02:09 PM

Oh wow. Some aspects of your post sound familiar. Before you get married I hope you have a talk with him about what he expects from you once you have children. I guess that's where our problems really hit the fan. Before the baby he did always suggest I try and make more money. I just blew it off. When I was pregnant we discussed me going back to work after 3 months part-time. I guess I did not expect my life to be the way it was after our baby was born. I could not go back to work. The love I felt for our baby was so strong that I could not imagine leaving him with someone else all day. I was nursing and would not be able to pump while being a waitress. Daycare would cost as much as what I would make working. I would basically give my entire paycheck to daycare.

Well, my BF (at the time) freaked. His mom had worked when he was young (after he was 5 - but he did not remember this) and so he did not understand me not being able to work. He tuned out all of my reasons and basically got pissed. I had to put my foot down and we ended up in counsiling. Now, he made enough money to pay the bills by himself. The only reason we needed more income would be to live a fancier lifestyle. I figure we can have the fancy lifestyle once the kids are grown. He has kind of seen the light and stopped pressuring me. I did get a job teaching a class at a local college on my own, when our son was 2. Our sitter is reasonable and I make amazing money only working 10 hours a week.

I guess with my rambling I am saying you should really get this stuff sorted out before you get married and have children. I have mom friends that are going through the same thing. Men do not understand a moms love and bond with her baby - they just want more money.

I always say - You have more money you spend more money. It's funny becasue now that I have and extra 1000.00 coming in per month. I just spend and extra 1000.00 bucks per month. Now I have some cuter clothes, make-up and cute clothes for our son. So what the point??

whiddle · #8 03-10-2006, 02:16 PM

Hi Shan! I am going to have to agree with the others and suggest counseling. Reading your post, it doesn't seem like your FH is ready to get married. A marriage will never last with ultimatums.

As an aside, before DH and I got married, I was working full time and he was working part time. I was VERY resentful over this. (As I have posted before). We went to counseling and talked out our problems. Even now, (after I started working part time), I still make about twice what he makes but it's not an issue.

I think that your FH is carrying the "when I grow up, I am going to be rich and never want for anything view" that we all carried in our childhood. That is a very unrealistic view, most likely he is never going to live life in that manner. There is always something to want/need no matter how much money you make.

About the MIL, in one ear and out the other..... ALWAYS!

shan82 · #9 03-10-2006, 02:58 PM

Yeah I know the ultimatum was a big deal, but I'm kind of playing it off because nothing like that has ever happened in our relationship before, but I do have to admit nothing else he has ever done pissed me off so much. I had a talk with him last night and said "Look, I could work two full time jobs and not make as much as you, and never be at home and never be able to go on vacations with you or see my dog, but we would sure have a nice house". He says he doesn't want that and he only said it because he was mad and as long as I'm happy doing what I'm doing then it doesnt matter. We had one of those really long talks where you stay up all night and you're both crying by the end of it. I brought up the thing his mom said and how I don't want to see them because whenever I think about them now I'll just picture them saying that. He said it wasn't even a big deal they just said it in passing as we moved out because I'm kind of messy and he just brought it up because he was defensive about a comment I made. I have to admit that I do hit below the belt in a fight. The whole thing was just such a shock because normally we only argue about stupid things like my pet peeve is when he leaves the lint in the dryer and I'll lecture him about how it's going to start a fire and his big thing is that I don't refill the TP when I use it all. So I think the whole thing was just said in anger, but still the fact that his parents said anything to him about me. He doesn't hit me, he's not abusive, jealous or controlling so Im going to hope that's all it was was just some anger seeping out and some resentment about him not getting that fancy job in Kelowna.

Complicated Woman · #10 03-10-2006, 02:58 PM

Shan, I'm sorry, but I certainly agree with the other girls and perhaps feel even more strongly. It doesn't at all sound like this relationship has grown to the point of marriage. I don't intend to sound like I'm attacking either of you, especially since I'm a stranger on a message board, but I am guessing that since you posted so much personal detail, you are prepared for whatever comes of it.

I agree with what MTGH said about ultimatums...red lights should be going off in your head at this point. That is a hugely unhealthy thing, period. Unless the ultimatum is "Get off the crack or else..." (

), it's totally unacceptable. I agree with you that your fiances financial expectations are unrealistic, but that probably isn't the root of the problem.

Maybe I am crazy, but if marriage is the joining of two lives, you both are supposed to be giving all that you can, 100% of what you have, not pulling out measuring sticks and saying "Well, I came up with my 50%, where's yours?" This should apply to finances, emotional support, chores, all of it. You give what you have to each other, and sometimes one has less than the other, or one is better at a particular area than the other.

I'm also really shocked that you would handle such a serious thing by considering having your dad put a scare on him or mentioning it in front of his friends to embarrass him out of it. These both sound like terribly unhealthy ways to deal with any kind of problem. I would NEVER do that to my fiance, even if he was being insane. That's no way to communicate.

I think it might be beneficial not only for couples counseling, but for you and he to have some individual time to assess what you need in a partner and what kind of a partner you (both of you) want to be. To me, this entire situation is frightening and that you would call it MIL hell is even more so. I think it certainly has to do with your fiance and yourself, no one else.

Just so you know, this isn't normal and you don't have to suck it up and deal with the unhealthiness or simply perpetuate it yourself.

I'm sorry, because I know that this was a really harsh first interaction, and you'll probably think I'm a b*tch and I don't blame you. I just can't possibly read all this and say nothing. This seems like a scary road you are headed down and I wouldn't want it for anyone. Best of luck.

TheaterDiva1 · #11 03-10-2006, 03:11 PM

I was debating whether or not to say this, but if your FH is controlling you with ultimatums now, how do you know he won't become abusive later? I have to agree with everyone else here about counseling - and maybe postpose the wedding until he understands what a real marriage is supposed to be about.

And I know this thread is titled "MIL Hell," but it seems like your FMIL is the least of your problems.

Welcome to Pash, BTW, and please keep us posted.

ljeagle · #12 03-10-2006, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indigo

I always say - You have more money you spend more money. It's funny becasue now that I have and extra 1000.00 coming in per month. I just spend and extra 1000.00 bucks per month. Now I have some cuter clothes, make-up and cute clothes for our son. So what the point??

This is so true my pay check this month can be up to $1500 different then what it was last month. Most people these day still live from pay check to pay check. Living a fancy life don't make you no better then a person in the poor house.

feb-bride · #13 03-10-2006, 03:23 PM

First - Welcome to Pash!

I hate to jump on the bandwagon, but I really do think the two of you should get some sort of formal couseling/therapy so that you can get to the root of your problems. Ultimatums and "below-the-belt" attacks are NOT healthy and emotionally mature ways to handle conflict in a relationship. If you think you're having issues now, wait until you're actually married. Marriage doesn't make things better; it makes things permanent. Trust me - I found this out the hard way.

Do you think your fiance' is harping on you about making more money because his family is putting ideas in your head? If this is the case, I don't think your fiance' is quite ready for marriage.

I'm also concerned with the fact that you're even considering having your dad scare some sense into your fiance'. That sounds like something I would have considered - when I was in high school.

In my opinion, your FMIL is the least of your concerns.

I hope we're not scaring you away with our comments/concerns. It's just that we've seen so much of this over the years; it's hard not to say anything.

Complicated Woman · #14 03-10-2006, 03:26 PM

Oh, yeah, and welcome to Pash!

Lizbet · #15 03-10-2006, 05:11 PM

Hi! and Welcome! I'm glad you joined our forum. I've already read some of your other posts and think you have a good deal of great advice to contribute to our little "family".

All I'm going to say on this topic is that you've gotten some good advice. My first marriage didn't last because I overlooked the small signs of discord. It would be a shame for anyone else to make the same mistake. I'm not saying that you should cut off the relationship by any means. Just try to take a good, long, objective (This is the hard part.) look at it before you "take the plunge".