Invite to shower? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

6/2/07 · #1 03-06-2006, 11:02 PM

You girls were so helpful with my fashion question that I came back for more! Here goes...
My fiance and I live in the same state as his family. My hometown (where my family still lives) is six hours away by car. My bridesmaids have told me that they plan to throw me a shower in my hometown (which is my preference anyway).
I get along well with my fiance's mother and fine with his older sister (although we are not close). His younger sister, however, has gone out of her way to make me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable since I first met her. I have been very nice to her but she was incredibly possessive of her brother and therefore very passive-aggressive and nasty to me (though in front of others she pretended everything was fine--getting me a Christmas present every year, etc.). She has even spread rumors about me to the rest of the family and lied about both me and her brother (my fiance). This behavior has cost her her relationship with her brother and they are now barely on speaking terms. The family, however, does their best to pretend that this rift does not exist.
My question is: since the shower is six hours away from his family (actually seven hours from this particular sister), do his mother and sisters still need to be invited? I know that I would have trouble enjoying myself at my own shower if they were there because this girl has been so mean to me in the past and I am so uncomfortable around her, whether she says anything to me or not. I know that ultimately, my girls are going to ask me for a guest list. Would it be socially acceptable not to include them "because they are so far away"? Would it be worse to exclude all three of them or just his younger sister?

syringa · #2 03-06-2006, 11:08 PM

If it were me, I would not invite any of them because of the distance. Is it possible that your fiance's family or someone else will decide to have a shower for you where you live? If so, that would be the more appropriate one for his family to attend.

If you do decide to invite his mother and older sister, I would also invite the younger sister. Then, she can decide not to attend if she desires, but you will not have excluded her and therefore not created any possible problem with her mother and sister.

Heather · #3 03-06-2006, 11:33 PM

I agree with Syringa, except that I would invite them. My MIL (and SIL) threw me a very small shower in her hometown so that I could the meet the friends of hers that I hadn't met yet.

My girls threw me a shower in my hometown which would have been an 8 hour drive for my MIL and SIL but I wanted them to feel included so I asked my MOH to send them an invite. Of course they didn't attend but I'm still glad I had the invite sent.

Like S said, it may be possible a smaller shower is being planned for you in addition to the BM shower.

kenzies_mama · #4 03-07-2006, 12:50 AM

I would also send them an invite, when my sisters threw my babyshower they invited people who lived 18 hours away because if they lived close they would have been invited and my mom did not want them to feel left out. These were family members who called weekly to see how I was and our plans etc. Obviously they could not make it but sent cards.

All you can do is hope she doesn't come, if she dislikes you that much she may come up with her own excuse not to make it.

6/2/07 · #5 03-07-2006, 02:18 AM

Thanks for the input. I guess I'm just afraid they'll all come, including the younger sister (since they all like to keep up appearances, especially her), and I'll be uncomfortable at my own shower. It seems so unfair to put her feelings ahead of my feelings on a day like that, when she's never done anything to deserve that kind of consideration.
Also, I posted my original question to www.topweddingquestions.com, a site with strict etiquette "experts", and the moderator said it's not required that the groom's sisters be invited. She suggested I just have my girls invite his mom, and neither sister. What do you guys think of that?? The younger sister is in grad school and the older sister will have two little ones by then.
(To answer your question, syringa, I guess his mom might give me another shower around here, but I don't know and I wouldn't want to assume.)

kenzies_mama · #6 03-07-2006, 02:27 AM

Ok I'd say just the mother is fine, I wasn't so worried about offending his sisters but more his mom and it seemed like they might be kinda a packaged deal.
But realize your leaving her without a travel partner if you invite just her.

Heather · #7 03-07-2006, 01:15 PM

I still don't think it's okay to invite only the Mom. If they're good at keeping up appearances, you are going to look like the jerk for not inviting the sisters. I doubt you'll be uncomfortable. You're going to have all of your family and close friends there so you'll be surrounded by those you know love you. That always makes situations a little more tolerable (to me anyway).

ETA: I also wanted to say that sometimes you need to bend etiquette to keep the peace or to take the higher road. If you're unsure of what to do with regard to your future family, always take the high road. If you don't, you're going to be in for one hell of a long life with your in-laws.

Lizbet · #8 03-07-2006, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather

ETA: I also wanted to say that sometimes you need to bend etiquette to keep the peace or to take the higher road. If you're unsure of what to do with regard to your future family, always take the high road. If you don't, you're going to be in for one hell of a long life with your in-laws.

Agreed.

ladedah · #9 03-07-2006, 02:58 PM

I have a future SIL I don't like because she has been rude and downright mean to me and FH, also to her husband (FH's brother)...I had my BM invite her to my shower because I really like the other SIL and she has been great, but I couldn't invite one without the other....the SIL I don't really care for has made all kinds of excuses for not being able to come (which is fine with me) but she's the one that ends up looking like the bad guy.

I would invite all of them and hope she doesn't show, after all you will have a lifetime of having to invite her to things you don't want to.

Good Luck