Bridesmaids vs. Maid of Honor - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Anon2 · #1 02-22-2006, 07:35 PM

I'm a regular member, but need to keep anonymous in case one or more of the people involved (including the bride) come on here and see this post. (Steve, don't you give me away by my IP address

)

Here are the issues I'm having and could really use some advice on.

1. Shortly after the Bride asked us to be in the wedding (I'm the MOH, 3 others are the BMs), I received an e-mail from every BM asking me to keep the costs down for the shower and bachelorette party. No problem with that on my end but it did cause me a little concern because nothing of either event had even been discussed.

2. The bride picked out the BM dress and MOH dress and they're kind of pricey for our area. The total price of the dress and shoes will be over $200. She sent an e-mail to all of us with her final decision and asked for feedback. Every BM replied they loved the dress and it's just perfect, great choice, etc. The next morning I had an e-mail from all of them bitching about the price. I told them if they couldn't afford the dress, they need to let the bride know ASAP. She would never want to be a financial strain on any of the girls so I'm bothered they're not being honest. Should I tell the bride?

I was a bride, and it was important to me know the BMs were okay with everything. Now I know they may not have been honest with me about stuff.

In fact one of the BMs who bitched about being in the wedding in the first place, had the nerve to tell me that the Bride bitched about driving three hours for my shower when I got married. She used that as an example as to why she may not want to be in the wedding. I was so hurt by this but played it off by saying that I didn't want to drive that far for my shower - and the Bride went anyway, bitching about it or not, she was there.

I'm really at a loss right now. I'll take any advice you have because I think this is a delicate situation and I want to do right by the Bride. She deserves to have an amazing day and as her MOH, come hell or high water, I will give her one.

Jennifer · #2 02-22-2006, 07:45 PM

1. Take up for her (bride) no matter what. Keep her stress-free whenever possible..she will alwyas thank you for that! Even if she is wrong, I would suggest taking up for her in front of the BMs and then when youa re alone with the bride try to work it out.

2. Tell the bride the dresses are too expensive. My opinion..the MOH needs to speak up for the bride and the bridesmaids. It is tough, as you know, to be a bride and a BM. As a bride you don't want to upset your BMs and as a BM you don't want to dissappoint the bride.

3. Disregard what the BM's were saying about the bride complaining about te distance to your shower. You are right, at least she went! When I was BM for my SIL, I went to Mexico for the weekend for her shower and I didn't want to...but I did. For my showers...she didn't come to one! Besides, who ever really WANTS to go to a shower...especially one far away?

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #3 02-22-2006, 07:48 PM

I'd respond to all of them that it's not YOUR responsibility to communicate their issues to the bride. You will NOT get involved in becoming the complaint filter. And if they have an issue, take it up with the bride. (They'll probably all email EACH OTHER complaining about what a b!tch YOU are, but who cares--not YOUR problem!

)

I'd also tell the "tattle tale" that you would appreciate her not putting a strain on your friendship with the bride by telling you anything negative your friend has said about you. (I'm sure IN CONTEXT who's "excited" about driving 3 hours ANYWHERE?!? It's not a big deal if she complained about it. I don't think that reflects negatively on her or your friendship at all.)

Anon2 · #4 02-22-2006, 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

I'd also tell the "tattle tale" that you would appreciate her not putting a strain on your friendship with the bride by telling you anything negative your friend has said about you. (I'm sure IN CONTEXT who's "excited" about driving 3 hours ANYWHERE?!? It's not a big deal if she complained about it. I don't think that reflects negatively on her or your friendship at all.)

I agree. I wasn't hurt by the bride, I was hurt by the BM telling me this because I think she said it kind of out of spite to let me know I shouldn't be too worried what the bride thinks. Does that make sense? I can't stand going to showers and will bitch about it too lol. However just like the Bride was, I'm there with a smile on my face.

This is tough. I'm really not sure what to do.

Jennifer I had the best MOH in the world so I'm mimicking her. The Bride comes first and I will always do what is in her best interest, and I also have to be there for the BMs too. They are all very good friends of mine too. I'm not sure I can tell them to take it up with the bride because that will stress the hell out of her. She looked for a good three weeks before settling on something she really loved.

Pulling my hair out!!

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #5 02-22-2006, 08:02 PM

So if you don't want to tell THEM to tell her, I'm assuming YOU won't tell her, either. So SOMEONE is going to be disappointed--and then you get blamed because they put you in the middle. So, then, you don't have to tell them to take it up with her, but it sounds like you WILL need to at least express to them: She likes this dress, I'm not saying anything. Otherwise they're waiting on you to tell her. And IF YOU tell her what they said, then SHE'LL be mad at THEM that they didn't tell her themselves and lied to her about liking it. Get it? Ok, codependent talk: This is why you can't get in the middle of solving someone else's problems. It's making it a triangle of blame and hurt and confusion when it should be between the complainers and the bride. It's not your responsibility to get involved, and it would be detrimental to ALL of the friendship dynamics if you did.

Jennifer · #6 02-22-2006, 08:11 PM

Yeah...I agree with MTGH...you can't make it stressful for yourself. I wrote all of my response and basically described my MOH, but the main difference was...my MOH didn't care if she made the BMs mad...as long as she made me happy.

So I can see what a tough spot you are in. Good luck!

Complicated Woman · #7 02-22-2006, 08:16 PM

Ugh, oh, hun.

Ask the BM's to be honest. I would speak to the BM who "tattled" and tell her that you really felt as though she was being catty and trying to place a wedge between you and the Bride.

Both Jen and Jennifer offered good advice, and I second it. Sorry you've been put in an irritating position!

feb-bride · #8 02-22-2006, 08:20 PM

Issue #1 - The best way to "keep costs down" with the shower and bach party is to involve them in the planning. This way, they know what everything will cost BEFORE being committed to spend any money. I do think it's rude when one person plans everything and then expects a certain amount of $ from the others. If they specifically do not want to be involved with the planning, then let them know the amount of $ you need from them BEFORE you spend any $, and try to collect before you spend. Otherwise, you might be stuck paying more than you anticipated.

Issue #2 - If YOU think the dress is too expensive, let the bride know that YOU think it is too expensive (but leave the BMs out of it). Otherwise, don't say anything to her. If the BMs have an issue with cost, it is THEIR responsibility to let her know. You are the MOH - not the liaison between the bride and the BMs. I would let the BMs know that you do not want to be in the middle of anything that involves them and the bride. Who cares if they think you're a bitch?

Issue #3 - Don't say anything to the bride about what you were told regarding your shower. Sounds to me like the BM just wants you to vent HER frustrations to the bride. If the BMs have issues, that's THEIR PROBLEM - not yours!

Anon2 · #9 02-22-2006, 08:40 PM

Thanks everyone.

MTGH I think it is the MOH's responsibility to be there for the Bride and to help her work out various issues. You pick your MOH based on who you know will be there for you emotionally, physically and anything else she needs. Co-dependency has nothing to do with it.

I didn't say that I wouldn't tell her the dresses are expensive so your assumption is wrong. You know what happens when you assume!

I'm just not sure if I should or if the BMs should tell her. The reason I'm unsure is because I may be able to give a softer spin on it instead of three women ganging up on her and complaining already. I believe in being honest and up front.

I think the dresses are a little expensive for our area, but I have no problem paying for it. I think the others may. The wedding is nine months away so they have time to save $$ before they have to order.

When they all e-mailed me about the shower/bach party, I explained to them that I wouldn't plan anything without their input and they were relieved. I've been on here long enough to know how this part of it works.

I wouldn't ever say anything to the Bride about what the BM said, but I think I'm going to take your advice CW. The BM and I are pretty close so I think I may talk to her one on one about that comment, and to try to guage her feelings about how she really feels about being in the wedding. Not so for the Bride, but for her. If she wants to step down because of financial reasons (or otherwise), she should do it now instead of waiting. After that, I'll send an e-mail to all of them and ask how they feel now that they've had time to think about it. I'll also ask if they want me to say something to the Bride, or if they're more comfortable talking to her about it. It may turn out that now that they've thought about it they're okay with the choice. We'll see!

Thank you!

ladedah · #10 02-22-2006, 08:53 PM

I'd have to say that all of this just sucks!! And I'm getting from your post that it's even more difficult because you are good friends with the BM's as well. So you can't appease one without hurting the other.

I am surprised that each of the BM said the dresses were fine, but then behind her back said they were too expensive....so I think the bride should be told, but I have no advice as to how...

As for the BM that spouted off about the bride going to your shower...I would talk to her one-on-one since you're good friends..

Sorry I don't have better advice...

Good Luck!!

Jennifer · #11 02-22-2006, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

Issue #1 - The best way to "keep costs down" with the shower and bach party is to involve them in the planning. This way, they know what everything will cost BEFORE being committed to spend any money. I do think it's rude when one person plans everything and then expects a certain amount of $ from the others. If they specifically do not want to be involved with the planning, then let them know the amount of $ you need from them BEFORE you spend any $, and try to collect before you spend. Otherwise, you might be stuck paying more than you anticipated.

Quick side note: For my SIL bachelorette party the MOH called me and said we (the BMs) would be splitting the cost for the limo, hotel (very expensive lush hotel in downtown Houston), all the cover charges for the bars we were going to and for SILs drinks that night. The other BM are all well off making close to $100,000/year. Hello, I'm in ministry...I make close to poverty level here!

I called her back and thanked her for informing but but nicely declined attending. I love my SIL but that was a bit too much to ask from me. I can't spend that kind of

and I know FH (at the time) would have be highly

if I would have gone.

The SIL threw it in my face when I asked her why she couldn't come to my shower and miss the football game she was going to.

OK...I have my own issues...sorry...I need therapy!

cru5h · #12 02-22-2006, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladedah

I am surprised that each of the BM said the dresses were fine, but then behind her back said they were too expensive..

Ugh I'm not. That is one huge reason why I don't have many female friends. No one has balls as big as mine. I have no bridesmaids myself, other than Richy's daughters. I can't stand when people don't say what they mean and mean what they say. Know what I mean?

Heather · #13 02-22-2006, 09:01 PM

Thank stinks Jennifer, and it's so rude. It's so much better if everyone can just get along and really sit down and plan something together.

Steph · #14 02-22-2006, 09:43 PM

Everyone needs to speak up for themselves and not make one person the spokesperson.

Weddings seem sooo stressful! If I ever get married, Vegas Baby!

feb-bride · #15 02-22-2006, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steph

Everyone needs to speak up for themselves and not make one person the spokesperson.

I totally agree with this. I stand by what I said - the MOH is NOT the liaison between the bridesmaids and the bride. The BMs and the bride SHOULD have a close enough relationship that they don't NEED a liaison. Why have people in your wedding (or why agree to be in a wedding) if you're not comfortable talking directly to each other?

Marge129 · #16 02-22-2006, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steph

Everyone needs to speak up for themselves and not make one person the spokesperson.

Yep!

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #17 02-23-2006, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

I totally agree with this. I stand by what I said - the MOH is NOT the liaison between the bridesmaids and the bride. The BMs and the bride SHOULD have a close enough relationship that they don't NEED a liaison. Why have people in your wedding (or why agree to be in a wedding) if you're not comfortable talking directly to each other?

Thanks, Steph, Feb, Margie--I got flamed for saying the same thing!

feb-bride · #18 02-24-2006, 04:36 PM

You were flamed, MTGH? Where? I don't see anything in this thread that I'd call a flame.

Heather · #19 02-24-2006, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

You were flamed, MTGH? Where? I don't see anything in this thread that I'd call a flame.

Me either? MTGH, with all the respect in the world, you're under a lot of stress right now and maybe feeling a little sensitive? I'm reading the above posts as a discussion or conversation and don't see anything rude?

Marge129 · #20 02-24-2006, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

Thanks, Steph, Feb, Margie--I got flamed for saying the same thing!

I think I missed something.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #21 02-24-2006, 08:39 PM

As posted in the most hated cliches thread the "assume" thing I thought was an attack--but I feel that way about that cliche in general. Yes, I am stressed!

Heather · #22 02-24-2006, 08:40 PM

feb-bride · #23 02-24-2006, 08:44 PM

You must be feeling pretty sensitive, MTGH.

I read and re-read what you're referring to, and I really don't see any

in what anyone said.

Marge129 · #24 02-24-2006, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

You must be feeling pretty sensitive, MTGH.

I read and re-read what you're referring to, and I really don't see any

in what anyone said.

Same here... I even looked at the cliche thread.

So here's a

instead.

cru5h · #25 02-24-2006, 08:52 PM

I must be almost as sensitive as Jen 'cause I thought the paragraph directed to her was snippy. Not flamey, just snippy. It was the "You know what happens when you assume" comment that did it. You know, when someone is trying to say, "You're making an ass out of yourself and me," that might be construed as mean...I could be wrong though.