Slighted guest list - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

michaelsbride · #1 02-21-2006, 07:38 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We've got our guest list just about finalized. Small as it is, (about 70 people) it drastically favors his family.

Part of this is expected... i have a small family in total of about 8 members. Thats why we're having the wedding in SanDiego where he grew up so his brothers, cousins, nephews, the lot! can come whereas if we had it elsewhere they wouldnt be able to make it.

I'm fine with the family but its turning out to be basically a family reunion. "well this family friend would be offended if we got married and they werent invited. ive known them my whole life". So as it stands, out of 70 people, 40 are "his" and definitely coming. 15 are a maybe... leaving me with 15 people. Beyond my 8 family members, most of my friends cant make the trip from florida to california.

Is it wrong of me to ask him to not include his out of state friends (which only decreases things by like 15 people)? Its never going to be "even" but i feel like im his guest at the reunion (rather than the bride at OUR wedding). I just feel really uncomfortable. Am i ridiculous?

Sharon Naylor · #2 02-22-2006, 04:11 PM

I strongly advise you NOT to ask your FH to leave out his out-of-state friends. You wouldn't want to be the cause of offending someone, and it would be difficult for your FH to have to dodge or explain why he had to make the cuts.

I can understand your concern about feeling outnumbered at your own wedding celebration, but try to think about it another way: this is a great time to get a new perspective. His family is your family. His friends are your friends. When you walk into that room, it's filled with people who will be a part of your shared future. I'm sure your groom is excited to introduce you to friends you may not have met yet, so keep the bigger picture in mind.

Have you thought about having a post-wedding celebration with your friends and family back in Florida?

feb-bride · #3 02-22-2006, 06:57 PM

I agree with Sharon.

I had the same problem at my wedding, but in reverse. Out of approximately 125 guests, MAYBE 25 were specifically my husband's guests (he only had TWO family members present - his parents). Approximately 75 were my family members, and the rest were specifically my friends and co-workers. I have a huge family; my dad is one of ten siblings and my mom is one of four siblings. I'm fairly close to all of my first aunts, uncles, and cousins.

I would not have appreciated it if my husband had forced me to chop off my friends and family just because he didn't have as many people to invite.

I like the idea of a "post-wedding" celebration in your hometown.

Heather · #4 02-22-2006, 07:20 PM

I agree with both above. It wouldn't be fair to your fiance to ask him to exclude his friends who CAN make it from out of state. Like Sharon said, take this opportunity to integrate yourself into his family. I'm sure you'll have a great time.

Kim&Bob2004 · #5 02-22-2006, 08:02 PM

I agree. We had the same issue at our wedding, though like Feb's it was me with the majority of guests. What we figured was that it was a joining of 2 families and Bob was now a member of mine and I his. My mom I think tried to kind of make it into a family reunion. She requested (and I not knowing better agreed) that all our family have a huge picture together. I still regret that the one cousin of Bob's wasn't included in family photos and have since told my mom how embarrassed I am for this. We did include his Aunt who has been a mother to him since his own mother passed away. But his cousin should have been included, I think, if there was going to be some family reunion type photo. Anyway, my point is, don't let people ride roughshod over you and turn it into something it isn't.

We sent invites to all Bob's family, and even my out of state family and friends, just so they would feel included in the celebration, even though they weren't able to come. I would have never asked Bob to cut down his list and would have been upset had he asked me to cut down on his.

I really think a post wedding celebration would be wonderful!

michaelsbride · #6 02-23-2006, 02:43 AM

Yes i agree that its a joining of families... i just dont think its right that i should feel so out of place... like its not even my wedding but rather his family reunion. many of the out of state friends arent THAT close and i dont think theyd be expecting to be invited (e.g. old roommates that he sees in the airport on occassion and if he is invited, you cant leave out this person)

555Ann555 · #7 02-23-2006, 03:38 AM

Is it just out of town long lost friends of your FH you want to cut? Or is there family in that cut too?

If it was friends he hardly ever sees I don't think it's wrong to cut them, if it's family that just happen to live futher away then I'd be really careful about it. I'd try to set limits on exactly which branches of each family are and are not being invited... Then maybe you can both stick to the rules you make and if it's still uneven it'd just be tough.

EG:
YES: Siblings & family, full Aunts & Uncles, first cousins, godparents/godchildren.

NO:College room mates, friends you haven't spoken to in more than 1yr, relatives further out than cousins (like second cousins, distant in-laws).

I found it useful to draw a theoretical line so that we could discuss difficult guest choices with a clearer idea of what we did & didn't want. Not to say it was all smooth sailing but that had more to do with other peoples expectations that our personal desires.

michaelsbride · #8 02-23-2006, 11:31 AM

NO family is being cut which is why we're having the wedding in San Diego... so all of his family can go which actually will exclude some of my family (my family from germany wont be comfortable in a new place; my grandparents wont be able to fly)... so i think he can sacrifice some friends since im bending over backwards to accomadate his family.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #9 02-23-2006, 01:29 PM

Is it too late to change the locale? Like maybe have a destination wedding someplace "neutral" so you sort of level the playing field? I totally understand your feelings on this one. ...I know I posted something about that in the other thread... I think it's important you discuss your feelings with him about it and you can come to a compromise you both feel happy with. I don't think it's as much of a "numbers" issue as it is that you need to feel validated. You need for him to say: I understand it's so hard for you not having all of your family there. What do you need from me to feel more secure about it?

michaelsbride · #10 02-23-2006, 01:59 PM

A neutral place would be nice. I originally suggested the grand canyon but no one liked that idea. I also suggested a cruise and that was shut down. Everyone tells me to do what "I" want and that even my FH is a guest at my wedding but when i suggest something, someone always comes back and makes me feel guilty. Short of it being in orlando, my mom wont be happy. Short of it being in Reno my brother wont be happy. Short of it being in san diego, michaels family wont be happy. And because they're unhappy, they put it all back on me. Im always favoring someone or not being including enough to someone else.

Sadly, its become what i want is for the whole wedding business to just be over so we can start our life together.

(p.s. i havent been "yay wedding" since i was like 12 anyway)

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #11 02-23-2006, 04:24 PM

Oh, that's sad. YOU should not get the short end of the stick at YOUR wedding. Is your FH willing to do what's fair for BOTH of you--and ignore what everyone ELSE wants? Wait. I guess I should ask first, who's paying for the wedding? It's one thing if it's YOUR money and you can tell your families, it will be HERE. (No questions, no arguments.) But if the family is helping to pay for it, then that complicates matters.

You can't just say: We're taking your money and going on a cruise--you're welcome to come or choose not to!

But, at the very least, it sounds like you need to sit down with Michael and discuss how you're feeling about this and ensure YOU'RE getting your needs met instead of just doing what makes everyone else happy.

Kim&Bob2004 · #12 02-23-2006, 06:19 PM

I guess I am surprised at all the problems caused by guests lists.

At this point I say you both need to sit down. Weddings are stressful, but if what you say is true, his family needs to but out. Of course you will try to think of them, just as you hope your FH will think of yours, and that is maybe how it should be put to them. You don't even live in CA right? Neither does the groom? So am I wrong or isn't it customary that the wedding takes place close to the bride? That is for a lot of reasons, one of which is planing the whole thing. Bob and I lived three hours apart. We had discussed briefly having it in WA but that would have been difficult for the planing so we kept it in Oregon, where I was living.

I do hope things work out, keep us posted!

Heather · #13 02-23-2006, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michaelsbride

even my FH is a guest at my wedding

Whomever is telling you that is dead wrong...

I still don't think you should ask him to cut his friends just because they can actually make it.

Having the wedding in San Diego isn't slighting any of your family. You say that your family from Germany won't be comfortable some place new, that pretty much encompasses anywhere except for Germany doesn't it? Or do they want you to get married in Germany?

I agree with MTGH - listen a little closer to who is paying for everything. If you and your FH are paying, tell everyone to listen to BOTH of you, stick together and don't bend. If your FH wants his friends there regardless of where they're coming from, let him. You may regret it down the road.

cru5h · #14 02-23-2006, 09:29 PM

I am so unable to relate to this topic I can't even respond. Initially I thought it was the money. But it's not. It's a feeling I've never experienced. I'll spare you my

. That doesn't happen often

cru5h · #15 02-23-2006, 09:38 PM

OK I lied. I know what I want to say...

When I read this, I see it as a way of you trying to control something that feels out of your control. I don't think it's rational to not want to meet/invite your future husband's friends. But like I said, it's a feeling I haven't experienced. It seems, to me, like this is the only thing you feel you can have a say in, since you can't deny his family in order to even out the guest list and you're not 100% thrilled with the location. I think it isn't a negative thing for it to feel like a family reunion. That's what it's supposed to feel like, the blending of 2 families. Imagine how easy it would be for his family and friends to get to know you and your family when there are only a few of you. I think your issue has more to do with feeling out of control of your own wedding more than the handful of friends you two are haggling over.

Heather · #16 02-23-2006, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cru5h

I think your issue has more to do with feeling out of control of your own wedding more than the handful of friends you two are haggling over.

I think you nailed it and I agree. Very well said el' Capitan.

feb-bride · #17 02-24-2006, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cru5h

When I read this, I see it as a way of you trying to control something that feels out of your control. I don't think it's rational to not want to meet/invite your future husband's friends. But like I said, it's a feeling I haven't experienced. It seems, to me, like this is the only thing you feel you can have a say in, since you can't deny his family in order to even out the guest list and you're not 100% thrilled with the location. I think it isn't a negative thing for it to feel like a family reunion. That's what it's supposed to feel like, the blending of 2 families. Imagine how easy it would be for his family and friends to get to know you and your family when there are only a few of you. I think your issue has more to do with feeling out of control of your own wedding more than the handful of friends you two are haggling over.

I agree 100% with cru5h on this one.

Another thing to consider - Do you know for a fact that none of your friends will come to your wedding if it's in San Diego, or are you assuming that they would not come? If you're just assuming, then go ahead and invite whatever friends you'd invite if the wedding was close to where they live. You might be surprised at the turnout.

Heather · #18 02-24-2006, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

I agree 100% with cru5h on this one.
If you're just assuming, then go ahead and invite whatever friends you'd invite if the wedding was close to where they live. You might be surprised at the turnout.

I was thinking that too. The wedding is still over 7 months away...

michaelsbride · #19 02-25-2006, 06:55 PM

I've conceded... he can have whoever he wants.... I think cru5h said that no one in my family is being cut but actually my grandparents who live in florida probably wont make it because of the flight time... its my moms parents and my parents are paying for the wedding so kinda sucks that they wont be able to make it....

thanks for everyones advice though... ive decided that with school right now, its just not worth the hassle and i'll have michael there and thats what counts.

cru5h · #20 02-25-2006, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michaelsbride

I think cru5h said that no one in my family is being cut but actually my grandparents who live in florida probably wont make it because of the flight time... its my moms parents and my parents are paying for the wedding so kinda sucks that they wont be able to make it...

I'm pretty sure I didn't say anything even similar to that. I didn't take the time to go back and look. But sorry to hear about your grandparents not being able to make it.

Honestly, you're allowing things to go down this way because you don't want to stand up for what you really want, which is understandable. You probably don't want to piss off your future family members and husband, and feel that giving in and having it this way is best because it's easier for everyone else. I also get the feeling that your FH has no idea you feel such disappointment about the wedding being planned this way. If you don't say something about it to him, and tell him how much it really bothers you even if it doesn't make sense to him, you are going to end up being resentful about every little aspect that also doesn't go the way you wanted it to. It doesn't sound like you're having much fun with it, and that's not good

Your wedding isn't the only wedding where a lot of people would have to travel if they all wanted to be there. Not everyone has to become a martyr to find a solution. I suggest writing down the absolute MOST important things to you regarding your wedding day and have a calm discussion with your FH about those things, especially if you feel they can't be attained with the way things are now. He may find ways to compromise so that this can be the day you want too. Hell, talk to the guests who might not be able to make it and see what they actually can do, or if they'd be willing to go out to dinner with you guys when you get back or something to celebrate. Good luck, there are plenty of gray areas - just gotta find 'em.

Kim&Bob2004 · #21 02-25-2006, 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michaelsbride

I've conceded... he can have whoever he wants.... I think cru5h said that no one in my family is being cut but actually my grandparents who live in florida probably wont make it because of the flight time... its my moms parents and my parents are paying for the wedding so kinda sucks that they wont be able to make it....

thanks for everyones advice though... ive decided that with school right now, its just not worth the hassle and i'll have michael there and thats what counts.

This is scary. It sounds as if you too have a big issue with the wedding and instead of just "conceding" it needs to be addressed. Did I read correctly when you said YOUR family is paying for the wedding? If so why is HIS family planing it? I agree with Crush, sit down with your FH and have a heart to heart. Don't concede, compromise, BOTH of you. Don't start the marriage path by saying I'll concede because it will do nothing but cause HEARTBREAK in the future.

michaelsbride · #22 02-26-2006, 09:18 PM

I apologize cru5h... i checked and it was heather who said "Having the wedding in San Diego isn't slighting any of your family" so thats why i said yes my family is being slighted....

I guess i should explain a little further. My parents work for delta. my dad a pilot, mom a flight attendent. if my grandparents were healthier, theyd fly for free. my brother flies nearly free under their pass benefits and they can get my sisterinlaw a pass.

michaels family is huge and only his dad and mom have flight benefits... not his siblings/cousins/aunts/uncles/etc. i have no extended family except the family in germany. michael is quite a bit older than me so hes got a large group of friends from eons ago. several of which i think he can cut. ive moved around a lot growing up and didnt keep in contact with nearly as many people over the years. most of my friends are just out of college, starting jobs and such and the cost of going from orlando to sandiego wouldnt be possible.

by "conceding" ive just realized that its not fair of me to hold that against him. he's said several times that if what i want is to just go to a courthouse than thats what we'll do but i know both of our families would never forgive that. his family is planning it in attempt to take the stress off of me but like someone said earlier, i feel out of control. we talk in circles about it... we communicate very well actually... its more of he tries to give me solutions but i feel guilty that he has to sacrifice his friends to make me happy... but on the other hand i feel "outnumbered" and when the group gets together and has known each other for 15 -20 years, i feel like a guest.

but is that really worth all the hassel? no... ive got too much going on to let THAT be whats important.

555Ann555 · #23 02-26-2006, 09:55 PM

I know that you're getting a bit of a tough time about 'conceding' but sometimes there isn't a middle ground, sometimes you can't compromise and it's just one person's turn to get things their way. I really hope you can work this out so that you'll have a really enjoyable wedding day.

I think you're trying to view it in a positive light; that there are more important things in your life together than one day & one party... But this is one day that you are bound to remember and I'd hate it to be remebered with regret. It must be tough to be the one who has to make the decisions, the pressure is on you whether to cut out some of his friends or have a smaller wedding. I doubt it'll be a fun choice to make.

Is there any way to take back some of the control? Any way that you could feel more involved in this?

I wouldn't be surprised if on the day you were too overwhelmed by the love you feel and having your family around you to notice that your family is outnumbered by his friends, I'd be surprised if you had the time to pause long enough to notice it!

michaelsbride · #24 02-27-2006, 12:26 AM

thanks ann... thats exactly what im hoping for.