Slighted guest list - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

michaelsbride · #1 02-21-2006, 07:24 PM

We've got our guest list just about finalized. Small as it is, (about 70 people) it drastically favors his family.

Part of this is expected... i have a small family in total of about 8 members. Thats why we're having the wedding in SanDiego where he grew up so his brothers, cousins, nephews, the lot! can come whereas if we had it elsewhere they wouldnt be able to make it.

I'm fine with the family but its turning out to be basically a family reunion. "well this family friend would be offended if we got married and they werent invited. ive known them my whole life". So as it stands, out of 70 people, 40 are "his" and definitely coming. 15 are a maybe... leaving me with 15 people. Beyond my 8 family members, most of my friends cant make the trip from florida to california.

Is it wrong of me to ask him to not include his out of state friends (which only decreases things by like 15 people)? Its never going to be "even" but i feel like im his guest at the reunion (rather than the bride at OUR wedding). I just feel really uncomfortable. Am i ridiculous?

cru5h · #2 02-21-2006, 07:30 PM

That's not ridiculous at all, unless money is somehow no object. Maybe you could figure out how much more it would cost to invite these people. That would a) show him that you've got to pull the reigns somewhere or b) show you that it isn't as big of a difference as you thought it would be, and put your mind at ease. I'm sure it'll make a difference, but if you're buffeting your reception it isn't like the $90 per person it would cost like in other weddings.

Complicated Woman · #3 02-21-2006, 07:30 PM

FH and I were lucky in this regard -- we both have big Italian families and our closest friends are our mutual friends. It's pretty easy for us to figure out who we want there.

I think that if you're uncomfortable with the guest list as it stands, you should talk to your fiance. I think I would feel the way you do, especially if you don't know most of the people in his family.

You might want to copy this into the Ask Sharon Naylor section, she's only here a week and from what I saw of her book on Amazon, she can offer some helpful advice.

michaelsbride · #4 02-21-2006, 07:36 PM

yeah i think im gonna do that. Its not a money issue since we're keeping it small. But ive only met his family once and theyve NEVER met my family... i just want to be comfy.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #5 02-21-2006, 07:40 PM

I think you definitely have cause to feel uncomfortable with it. That's actually the biggest reason why my FH and I decided to get married away alone, with no one but my kids. He doesn't speak to some family members, and it would have been REALLY difficult for him if I had my WHOLE EXTENDED family there taking up 3/4 of the wedding, and he just had a couple of family members and some friends. (For the party when we return it doesn't matter to us if it's uneven then.) I think you should definitely talk to Michael about how you feel. You don't want to end up feeling hurt or resentful about YOUR WEDDING DAY. Plus, it's important you always talk to him about your feelings and work through a compromise together. It's important to start now and continue that open communication throughout your marriage. (LOL! Since you're new here, I should let you know I'm "the communication pusher" atround here!

)

ladedah · #6 02-21-2006, 07:43 PM

This is kind of a tough question...on one hand I could see how you would feel odd if at your wedding the majority of the people you didn't know, but on the other hand, if it were me and I was asked not to invite some people that I wanted to just because of this reason, I would feel hurt.

Now, if money is the issue and you can't afford to pay for all the guests, then you may have to work on a compromise somewhere, but if the only reason is because he'll have more guests than you then I think you have to remember that it is his wedding too...

My situation is similar...FH will have more guests than I at our wedding because we are getting married where we live and that also happens to be where he grew up...my parents are also paying for him to have more guests than us...but I couldn't think of asking him to not invite a friend or family member of his because his potential guest list outweighed mine.

michaelsbride · #7 02-21-2006, 07:46 PM

I wouldnt have a problem if it wasnt SO skewed. If it was just like 10 people or something i wouldnt care but out of 70 people, only 15 are "mine"... just doesnt fit in my mind

michaelsbride · #8 02-21-2006, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

It's important to start now and continue that open communication throughout your marriage. (LOL! Since you're new here, I should let you know I'm "the communication pusher" atround here!

)

I totally agree... Im a BIG communication person. Being that we live 1500 miles away from each other, its especially important. We talk about it but he always comes to the same conclusion of "well we can have it somewhere else so YOUR friends can come but then my FAMILY wont be able to be there."

I never wanted a wedding to begin with and now its spiraling out of control (im a control freak! lol)

whiddle · #9 02-21-2006, 08:01 PM

I don't think it is ridiculous. Who wants to feel like a guest at their own wedding? Plus, it is going to be stressful enough for you on that day without meeting 55 people for the first time.

ljeagle · #10 02-21-2006, 08:30 PM

For us it is the other way around. He has a total of 10 people coming to the wedding. We have 14 friends coming and the other 50 some are my side. He don't have a problem with it. But I am not going with the tradition that the grooms side is for grooms family and brides family is for the bride side. When every one is being seated the users will pick what side to put them on.

Complicated Woman · #11 02-21-2006, 08:34 PM

Is there any way you can get to a family function where you might get to meet some of these people before the wedding? Would that make you more comfortable? Tom talks about his family a lot and we visit them regularly...our first vacation together we stayed at his Nana's house...and that makes me feel like they're our family. He feels the same way about my relatives. Because we're joining our lives, we're joining each others families and being around them is important. I know it must be tough because you are far away from one another and your families, but maybe seeing them or hearing more about how he loves them would help. Does that make sense?

michaelsbride · #12 02-21-2006, 09:04 PM

I've met just about everyone who will be there... but only once. They've already accepted me and welcomed me into their family. My mom hasnt been nearly so warm.

I talk to his dad and his mom all the time. we wont have any ushers or anything because its small. i just feel overwhelmed and like "I" have no support. His family is great and all but i feel like he can cut back on some of the out of town friends. but everytime we talk to his parents they mention one more person who HAS to be invited. Well theres lots of people who have known me since i was little but they're in florida and cant come. I'm doing it there to accomadate his FAMILY not half of san diego.

breezy · #13 03-06-2006, 06:31 PM

(cross posted in West Coast get-together)

My brain is all over the place.

Anyway last night, as I am falling asleep this idea pops into my head...

Michaelsbride's friends aren't going to get to her wedding as they all live on the East Coast. Michaels friends and family out# hers.

I live about 2 hours north of San Diego. How about everyone comes and hangs out here and we crash the wedding to even out the #'s (hehehe)

Just can't be allergic to kids, dogs or grumpy men!!!

abyss · #14 03-09-2006, 08:59 PM

I could understand how you'd feel weird about it. The same thing is happening with my wedding, just on a slightly bigger scale. But FH's parent's are paying for the majority of the wedding so I couldn't really complain about their guest list too much! 65% of the people at my wedding I've never met before. Little scary, but you just gotta remember that you're the princess that day, and everyone will look at you that day and love you as such.