Is it always a free meal? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

sisterofthegroom · #1 02-06-2006, 06:22 PM

My brother and future sister-in-law have no $$$! All of the family members have said that they would buy their own dinners at a nice local restaurant and have a "gathering of family" to celebrate their wedding that takes place earlier that evening. My questions is.....how do we collect for the meal???

breezy · #2 02-06-2006, 06:29 PM

Is this going to be a small event?

If so couldn't you just treat it like any family dinner out? Everyone pays their portion at the table.

syringa · #3 02-06-2006, 06:49 PM

What your brother plans to do is considered a violation of etiquette if the dinner will be considered the reception. If it is not a reception, but just a family dinner, then I would agree with Breezy that each person could have their own check, assuming that the restaurant is willing to do that for a group (not all are). You will want to be certain that everyone invited has agreed to pay and that no one assumes that the bride and groom are treating. Things could get sticky if a couple orders a meal and later finds out that they must pay for it when they are unprepared to do so.

munchkin · #4 02-06-2006, 07:20 PM

As syringa said, the reception is not supposed to be a pay your own way thing. If the couple does that, they will have to specifically state that there will be no reception and instead a family dinner afterwards, making sure that people understand that they have to pay for it.

sisterofthegroom · #5 02-06-2006, 07:30 PM

The bride has specifically said this is not going to be a reception in the tradional manner...no dj or dancing, no formal photographs, no throwing of the bouquet or garter. Her side of the family thinks she should just wear blue jeans and get hitched and nothing else. My side is more traditional and wants to share in the event, but knowing that they have no $$ have offered to pay for their own meals. Would it work if I made white envelopes with each family name on them and just give them to my uncle, mom, sister, etc. and have them place their credit card or money in them? I would then see that the bill is paid and the receipts returned to each person. I think having each person go to the waiter or the cashier to pay would be a bit embarassing for the couple. What do you think?

feb-bride · #6 02-06-2006, 07:34 PM

I would make sure that EVERYONE knows that they have to pay, and I would NOT call it a reception.

My sister and her husband did this. When she was planning the wedding (very intimate - only about 20 people on the guest list, which consisted of parents/spouses, siblings/spouses, and siblings' children), she never mentioned that she and her husband would not be paying for the dinner after the ceremony. I know that my dad gave her a chunk of cash to pay for the wedding and reception; some of that money was SUPPOSED to go to pay for our meals at a VERY EXPENSIVE restaurant that her new husband chose (cheapest meal was $30, not including beverage, tax, or tip). However, she and her husband decided to use that $ for their honeymoon and NOT for the dinner. She "assumed" that we all knew we'd be paying for our own meals, but we did NOT KNOW. Fortunately, my dad paid for everyone; otherwise, it would have set me and my husband back almost $150 (our three kids were in attendance). I would have been furious if I'd had to cough up all that cash.

PlanetClaire · #7 02-06-2006, 07:35 PM

I'm not much for traditional Wediquette myself.

I think if it is clear to all guests prior to their confirming their attendance, then your idea is a nice one. It's discreet and would not draw a lot of attention. I would encourage cash as opposed to credit cards though as I would not want to be responsible for actually carrying around someone else's card- even if it is just from table to cash register.

I have been to quite a few weddings- large scale ones where we were expected to pay for our plate. There was a box that we all just deposited a sealed envelope, usually with a card in it , with the cash. There is a bit of a honour system in that though.

feb-bride · #8 02-06-2006, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sisterofthegroom

The bride has specifically said this is not going to be a reception in the tradional manner...no dj or dancing, no formal photographs, no throwing of the bouquet or garter. Her side of the family thinks she should just wear blue jeans and get hitched and nothing else. My side is more traditional and wants to share in the event, but knowing that they have no $$ have offered to pay for their own meals. Would it work if I made white envelopes with each family name on them and just give them to my uncle, mom, sister, etc. and have them place their credit card or money in them? I would then see that the bill is paid and the receipts returned to each person. I think having each person go to the waiter or the cashier to pay would be a bit embarassing for the couple. What do you think?

Since everyone is willing to pay, here's how I would handle it:

Call the restaurant in advance and see if they'd be willing to do a "banquet menu" function. With this type of function, the restaurant gives you a list of three or four entree choices. They put a price next to each entree selection; the price usually includes drink (non-alcoholic), tax, and tip. For example, you might list:

Prime Rib - $20
Teriyaki Chicken Breast - $16
Poached Salmon - $20

Then, have each person give you the cash for the meal(s) they select. This way, you are the only one who has to deal with paying the restaurant, and you don't have to deal with everyone's credit cards.

Jennifer · #9 02-06-2006, 07:41 PM

Back in 2000 I went to my friend's wedding and we paid our own way. Basically it was a shot gun wedding and the couple was young. The got married in a park outside and choose Black Eyed Pea for dinner. Everyone knew (well, hopefully they knew) that they would be responsible for their own food.

While it would be tacky if no one knew they were supposed to pay for themselves, I think if they know up front and still agree to attend, then it should be ok.

Complicated Woman · #10 02-06-2006, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

Since everyone is willing to pay, here's how I would handle it:

Call the restaurant in advance and see if they'd be willing to do a "banquet menu" function. With this type of function, the restaurant gives you a list of three or four entree choices. They put a price next to each entree selection; the price usually includes drink (non-alcoholic), tax, and tip. For example, you might list:

Prime Rib - $20
Teriyaki Chicken Breast - $16
Poached Salmon - $20

Then, have each person give you the cash for the meal(s) they select. This way, you are the only one who has to deal with paying the restaurant, and you don't have to deal with everyone's credit cards.

I was going to suggest something like this. It seems too big a hassle to try and collect while people are there. Figuring out the price and then collecting privately beforehand seems best. You could probably do a buffet style affair with a set price per head as well.

roseprincess · #11 02-06-2006, 08:41 PM

I do agree that you should make sure you have a way to collect the money beforehand. You mentioned the bride's family think she should just get married in jeans & be done with it. I'd be concerned that they'd show up at the restaurant *expecting* to be fed. How will that be dealt with, and who will deal with it? I don't just mean the bride's relatives now but anyone who shows up expecting to be fed and claiming to have no money to pay for themselves. Will you deal with that? (it could be very uncomfortable)

I think feb's idea of getting a limited, agreed-upon menu is better than taking chances with a full menu and the price ranges that would involve.

feb-bride · #12 02-06-2006, 10:03 PM

I forgot to add in my previous suggestion - Make sure you collect the $ before the wedding day. I suggest having a cut-off date for money collection. Make sure people know that all $ is due by the deadline.

wynelle · #13 02-06-2006, 10:11 PM

Feb- I was going to suggest the same thing. Send separate invitations/notices to the immediate family who wish to be included. Get the money and the food choices in advance. Let the maitre'd know when you arrive that you will be paying. Don't tell anyone where it will be except those who have provided the money in advance. (ie, give them the food choices, say it will be in a nice resturant, and after the wedding, tell them where to go.) That will help avoid the crashers.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #14 02-07-2006, 12:26 AM

Why HAVE a meal? If they can't afford to pay for it, why not just have cake and punch or a few hors d'ouerves or something at home?

Heather · #15 02-07-2006, 01:51 AM

I was going to suggest the same MTGH. I understand they would probably like a nice meal, but it would be more gracious to simply have cake and punch and all be together in the comfort of home. That would erase so much potential for very awkward situations. If everyone is willing to pay for their own meal, why not make it a pot-luck since it's just family and very close friends?

Sorry that this is unsolicited - I know you asked for help on how to handle the money at a restaurant, but maybe this would be a more practical solution?

feb-bride · #16 02-07-2006, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marrying_the_Good_Husband

Why HAVE a meal? If they can't afford to pay for it, why not just have cake and punch or a few hors d'ouerves or something at home?

I see your point, but if everyone in the family wants them to have a nice dinner, and they are all willing to pay to attend, then what's the harm? Is it proper according to etiquette standards? Well, no. But - that's not what we were being asked to comment on.

What I think is tacky/rude is when you "expect" your guests to pay, but they haven't actually come out and said that they'd be willing. That would have been the case with my sister had my dad not stepped up and paid for everyone.