learning to communicate

[sarah+tim060609]

I know that every couple is different but every couple argues. Is there a few ways that you suggest to learn to communicate? By the time we get into serious relationships and get married most of us have been living our life our way for at least 20 years or like me over 30 yrs. So how, other than patience, do people learn to change the way they talk/listen so that they can better understand each other? Are there exercises that you can do outside of a fight that will help teach us how to handle ourselves in an argument?

For example, Tim says I don't get to the point and I talk in circles and I say that he doesn't listen and let me finish the story. He thinks if I could just start at the end of a story and tell him my reason 1st it would fix things and I think if I could get through a story uninterrupted he would hear the point. So when one or the other happens, our brains are already blaming the other before we even have a chance to try and work it out.

I have read many of your posts and I appreciate all of them. I also downloaded your workbook, although we have yet to find the time to use it. So I'm sorry if this is something that you've covered before, maybe I don't see it in the words because I'm thinking in specifics of Tim and I?
Thank you.

[lisabrookeskift]

I'm glad that you have found my posts helpful. I am passionate about my work and enjoy educating people in this area.

Ok - so for your question about how a couple who's been communicating a certain way for a long time - can learn to communicate more effectively???

First of all, it takes practice. Know that it's not easy to do something different from what you have been doing and are accustomed to, even if it's not working! However, if both partners are willing to acknowledge:

1) the communication is not helpful,
2) they both likely are contributing to the repetitive argument cycles and
3) are both willing to change their behavior to improve the situation - then you're off to an excellent start.

If the above mentioned are in place, here are some thoughts:

• Slow things down to really hear what the other is saying
• Clarify to be sure you've heard the other correctly and haven't made incorrect assumptions about what they mean
• If feelings are hurt, talk about it. "I felt really ....when you did ....."
• Make time every week to check in with each other so resentment from past incidents doesn't build up too high.
• Be willing to admit if you are wrong - or hurt the other - and apologize sincerely!

Hope that was helpful. Remember to practice, practice, practice....