3 Communication Tips for Relationship Health - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

lisabrookeskift · #1 05-26-2009, 10:16 PM

Many of you are planning your weddings - and some may have already walked down the aisle. As a couples therapist, I work with people from the premarital to the "YIKES - WE'RE IN CRISIS" mode. I'd like to share three of my top communication tips to keep your relationship - and marriage - happy and healthy:

Tip 1: Don't Let Resentment Build up: Smaller problems have a way of becoming bigger problems. If your feel hurt or angry about something your partner did, tell him/her. But do so so in a kind way. Try to come from an "I feel" place when you do it.

Tip 2: Prioritize the Relationship: It's really easy to let kids, jobs and life keep us from paying attention to our partners. Make time for each other, even if it's a small sliver of a walk around the block every week. You need to check in with each other and have intimate time as well.

Tips 3: Laugh: Research has shown that humor is not only good for your health but a good conflict de-escalator. Work it into your lives somehow whether it's silly pet names or stupid jokes only you two think are funny. Just don't forget to smile together.

Heather · #2 05-27-2009, 02:01 AM

I have one!

FIGHT FAIR!

You're going to argue - it's natural, it happens. Just remember to fight fair. No name calling, no saying things JUST to hurt the other person, and no taking things off topic. Keep it to the issue at hand. This kind of plays into Lisa's Tip 1, but if you're fighting about the fact he forgot to put away his dirty clothes that morning, don't bring up the fact he didn't do something six months ago. Keep it relevant.

lisabrookeskift · #3 05-27-2009, 06:31 AM

Great additions, Heather! That means not only "no name calling" but watch the criticism, contempt and stonewalling behaviors.

feb-bride · #4 05-27-2009, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather

I have one!

FIGHT FAIR!

You're going to argue - it's natural, it happens. Just remember to fight fair. No name calling, no saying things JUST to hurt the other person, and no taking things off topic. Keep it to the issue at hand. This kind of plays into Lisa's Tip 1, but if you're fighting about the fact he forgot to put away his dirty clothes that morning, don't bring up the fact he didn't do something six months ago. Keep it relevant.

This is so true, but in my marriage, it's my husband who throws old history into my face. He likes to "save up" stuff to hurl at me later. Unfortunately, by the time he brings it up, I've usually forgotten what it was about. Or, it was something that he totally took out of context.

jane45 · #5 09-03-2009, 09:08 AM

It's easy to talk about this on the forum and totally different when it comes to the push. I am very impulsive and often drive my once very calm partner mad. I don't know how to fight this personal problem and totally regret about that each time it happens. I noticed he became nervous and restless which never been the case at the beginning of our relationship( Please advise what to do as I am totally confused. Don't want to hurt him and lose him.

lisabrookeskift · #6 09-03-2009, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jane45

It's easy to talk about this on the forum and totally different when it comes to the push. I am very impulsive and often drive my once very calm partner mad. I don't know how to fight this personal problem and totally regret about that each time it happens. I noticed he became nervous and restless which never been the case at the beginning of our relationship( Please advise what to do as I am totally confused. Don't want to hurt him and lose him.

Yes, I understand that it's far easier to talk about how to communicate than to put some of the skills into practice. It definitely takes practice, practice, practice!

Regarding your personal situation around impulsivity, this can be a challenging experience for a partner who doesn't know when you might suddenly be triggered. It can feel like "walking on eggshells" - sort of sounds like what might be going on with your "nervous and restless" partner."

Try to identify what triggers you - if you can. Then have a discussion around it with your partner. I would also tell him what he can do to soothe you in those moments, if you even know.

I would be curious if you've been to individual therapy to get an assessment and do some work around whatever might be going on that is out of your immediate control (brain chemistry).

Good luck.

ladykaya · #7 11-02-2009, 03:20 AM

In every relationship we should make it stronger and the key for that is trust in each other. Anyway thanks for sharing this tip.

lisabrookeskift · #8 11-05-2009, 09:45 PM

Trust is certainly one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. We all want to feel like we can rely on our partners, that they are a secure base for us to return to.