Paying for Reception
This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by casmom93 on 10/01/05.
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posted by KEC916
My fiance and I are planning a wedding for October 2006 in New York. We picked a place and all, but are having a difficult with her mother. My parents feel bad because we have 2-3 times more guest than her family. My parents offered to give us some money to cover who we are inviting from my family. Her mother insists on paying for the entire reception, but is setting limits as to whom she will pay for, say 95 guests.
My mother told me reagrdless of if she wants the money for the reception she is giving it to us for other thinks, flowers, limo, etc.
Her mother is having this whole powertrip that she is paying and changing everything. ie. The reception menu
We invited both of our families to come see the place and to leave a deposit, but her mother insists that me or my family have no right planning anything to do with the recption.
I know this is probably proper wedding ettiqutte, but is she wrong?
We are both greatful that our parents are giving us money to pay for everything, since we dont have the money, but her mother doesnt want to see it this way.
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posted by Marge129
I think her mother is being unreasonable. It is very nice of your parents to offer to pay for the extra guests from your family. Remind your FMIL that this will be YOUR wedding, not hers. You and your fiance have the last word.
~Margie
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posted by CupieJen
I agree with Margie--it's your wedding, not hers. She is definitely being unreasonable.
HOWEVER--if you want this big wedding and won't be able to afford it without her help, maybe you should think about scaling back in case her mother says that you can ONLY have the money if you do it her way. If you're unwilling to give into her wishes and change the menu, etc., I say screw her and go have a smaller wedding that YOU can afford on your own.
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posted by KEC916
Thanks for letting me know that I wasnt in the wrong here.
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posted by syringa
If you accept money from FMIL then she has some say in what you do with it. If she is unwilling to cooperate with you and allow you to plan your own wedding, then you may have to refuse her financial help and pay for the wedding yourselves, perhaps with help from your family.
It isn't worth going through months of hassle and power struggles and feeling like your wedding day really wasn't your day just for the money.
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posted by NovemberGal
I think that just as parents are not obligated to provide funds for their children's weddings, they should not put strings on the money. However, it is still understandable to me that they do--or that they at least want some say in how the money is spent. I do, however, think it is unreasonable for her mom to insist that she pay for the "entire reception" but not give you enough to have the reception you want. She sort of has two choices, in my view--give you a set amount of money to which you can add from any source you like (ie, your parents) or she can pay for the whole thing, working WITH YOU for what you want. It isn't fair to say I'm giving you $10,000 (or enough for 95 people or whatever) and you're not allowed to spend any more than that no matter where you get the money from. That's bizarre, to me.
But, you can't force her into what we think of as rational behavior, and as Cupie said, you may have to go with her wishes if you need her money.
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posted by e-star
What does your fiancee think? After all, this is her mother we are talking about?
I completely agree with the other girls though, parents shouldn't attach strings to the money but if they do, it should be reasonable conditions that leave plenty of room for compromise. Your FMIL is being unreasonable esp. as your parents offered to pay for the extra guests. It sounds like your FMIL has CONTROL issues and sounds like she's gone off the deep end on a power trip!
My parents are funding my reception and yes there were some differences in the beginning but those have been ironed and their final requests were very reasonable. 1)Please invite these 5 friends of ours. OK. 2)And as my mother put it "please, try and pick nice, classic colors for the invitations.. no wierd greens and browns ok?" I had to laugh but yeah, I got her point and we picked a nice silver and cream invitation. That is what I would consider reasonable behavior.
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posted by feb-bride
My opinion is that parents are under no obligation to give any money towards the wedding, but if they do, it should be with no strings attached. When I got married, my dad/step-mom gave me a lump sum to spend as we saw fit. The understanding, of course, was that if we spent it foolishly or wanted something extravagant, we would have to supplement the money ourselves (they would not be replenishing it).
I think your FMIL is being unreasonable, but what does your fiancee' think? This is her mom, after all.
If your FMIL ties too many strings to her monetary contribution, you can always decline her offer of financial assistance. I wouldn't have accepted money from my dad if it had meant that I had to have the wedding of HIS dreams, instead of the wedding of MY dreams.
Parents should not try to relive their wedding fantasies through their adult children! That's just my opinion, though.
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