The ex factor - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Dee Girl · #1 04-07-2009, 09:13 AM

i had a very intense relationship with my ex-boyfriend. 9years... we broke up because all throughout our relationship he was cheating and i just couldnt get myself to loose myself from him. finally made up my mind and broke off that 'relationship'. 9years is a very long time, and i never thought i'd ever love somebody else, until i met my current fiance. he is the best thing that ever happened to me, respects me, loves me unconditionally, totally perfect...
friday passed i dreamt my ex died and everyone came to me, for condolences. i was so suprised in my dream- didnt know that he died and was so upset that i cried myself awake. just shows how apart we are living from each other at the moment.
i told my fiance about the dream and didnt seem so enthusiastic about it cause "why was i crying when he died"... he was always insecure when it came to my ex.
turns out- 2 days later my ex's current wife sent me a message that he is in hospital, cricket ball hit his eye, very serious, needs to be operated tomorrow if the swelling subsides by today...
the dream was spot on. the problem came when i suggested a visit- obviously i would be concerned- it doesnt mean that we broke up, i dont give a jack about him. my fiance was so upset that i decided not to go... but now i just feel- dont he trust me? our relationship is over more than 2years ago. i really moved on, and am so inlove with my fiance i wouldnt to anything to jeapordise our relationship. i know what i have been through and would never go back or hurt him...
was i shelfish to suggest the visit? i am totally distraught- dont know what to think or do.
please help!

lisabrookeskift · #2 04-09-2009, 05:30 AM

Hi Dee Girl,

I can understand how you'd be upset that your ex is hurt but I'm not clear if this is a life threatening injury or not. I will assume that it's "serious" means really serious and possibly life threatening.

Ex or not, he's someone you cared about and was important in your life at one time. It's natural to want to be there if there's a chance he won't make it - or seriously injured. The fact that his wife reached out to you says that she thought it was appropriate as well.

As you have said, you have a great guy now and I don't hear any hesitation about that. So it doesn't seem like this is about anything else other than concern on the surface.

Now for your current boyfriend's response:

As you stated, he has insecurities about your ex to begin with. Perhaps he thinks you have feelings for him still. So you have a dream that was clearly upsetting to you during the course of it (waking in tears) stirred up some jealousy. But now he really did have an accident and here you are.

Your boyfriend clearly knows that you had a long relationship with the ex and tolerated a lot of bad behavior. Maybe he feels protective of you but also threatened at the same time. Try not to personalize his response too much - he's got nine years of history to contend with.

I don't think you were selfish to suggest a visit. Can you not go with your boyfriend to visit? Ask yourself this: If he dies, will you regret not going? If it's not that serious and he will recover, ask yourself if it's worth the drama.

Good luck.

akosimachineman · #3 11-02-2009, 06:06 AM

i had a 7 year relationship with my ex and both of us still dont have someone new in our lives, but we still hangs out, although she had lots of suitors she still dont have boyfriend since we broke up, and our treatment to each other was still like before, its seems that we didn't broke up actually, but i hate our situation although we still love each other. and acting like we are still boyfriends, it made me feel bad when she got a male visitor on their house. im still hoping that we can still be together. oh i forgot to say we are neighbors.
@ DEE GIRL
its quite normal that you still care for your ex but it doesnt mean that you still love him since you have your fiance now and in loved with him so much. and for your fiance its normal that he was secured on your ex. it always happens.

lisabrookeskift · #4 11-05-2009, 09:50 PM

Yes, it can be very confusing when you break up with someone but then continue to spend a lot of time together. I wonder if both of you are truly over the relationship and can be friends without emotional pain at this time.

If one of you is still in love with the other (I'm wondering if it's you considering your response when other men come around) perhaps some time apart might ease the transition?