Changing Last Name After Years of Marriage - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

feb-bride · #1 03-11-2009, 09:53 PM

I am posting this in another forum for all of the "Pashers" to give their opinions, but I also am looking for your opinion/advice on this issue. Warning - This is going to be long, but I want to make sure you have enough information to give me a good opinion.

First, a little background since you don't know me:

My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years. We have been married for over seven years. We have two kids together; both of them have my husband's last name. I also have a son from a previous relationship (never married to the father; my son has my maiden name as his last name). When my husband and I got engaged, I planned to take his last name, but once we got married, I started thinking about what impact that might have on my oldest son (he was almost 10 years old when I got married). That, coupled with a bit of laziness on my part, caused me to decide against changing my last name.

If my husband was unhappy with my decision, he never told me. I asked him a couple of times about it, and he said that he didn't care. However, I'm starting to think that might not exactly be true. Whenever someone at work would ask him about it (we work for the same employer), he would make a comment at home. When I'd ask him if he really did care, he'd still say that he did not care, but that his co-workers thought it was odd that I would not take his last name. I think he was using that as an excuse to tell me what HE thought about it, but that is something that did not occur to me until very recently (we have not talked about my last name in YEARS).

Now, my situation has changed somewhat. My son is almost 17 years old and now lives with his dad. He still has my last name, but he is seriously thinking about taking his dad's last name. Further, I'm starting to think that maybe by keeping my maiden name, I've somehow given the indication to my own kids that their brother is more important than they are. I'm also wondering about that possibility that I've given the indication to my husband that our marriage is just one of convenience, that once the kids grow up, I will divorce him and then I won't have to bother with changing my last name back to my maiden name. He made a comment about that years ago.

So - Here is where I'm looking for your advice/opinion. What do you think about a woman changing her last name to her husband's last name after years of marriage? Do you think it's pointless, or do you think it's a good idea? I haven't asked anyone in my family about this because they all think I was crazy to keep my maiden name (I am the ONLY woman in my entire family to not take her husband's last name), so I don't trust that their opinions will be objective.

If you do think it's a good idea, do you have any ideas for how I can broach the topic with my husband? I don't want him thinking that I have some "ulterior" motive for wanting to change my last name after being married for over seven years. He's not the type of guy who really opens up, so I'm not sure how to start this conversation.

lisabrookeskift · #2 03-11-2009, 11:21 PM

First of all - you are not crazy to have kept your maiden name. There are women out there who do - or try to keep it some way with the hyphen or making it their middle name. I'll share with you that I didn't change my last name until at least a year after we got married and it wasn't really for any particular reason other than dragging my feet (and trying to figure out how not to just "lose" part of me). In my case, my husband voiced his feelings about it and I wanted to pay respect to him and show him my love for him by taking it - so I trotted down to the DMV and handled it as I meant to all along. It sounds like you had some questions about the impact it might have early on - then time just slipped away.

I think men generally feel a sense of pride when their partners take their last name. I don't know whether your husband has truly cared or not - but if he's the kind of guy not to let you know when something has bothered him - and you're starting to see some evidence that it does - then go ahead and do something about it. Who cares that it's been seven years?

If there have been mistaken assumptions by your oldest about the reasons why "this" and "that" then maybe you can simply talk to him separately. Clarify your intentions and that it had nothing to do with them at all! Ask them how it's made them feel - just to poke around to see if anything's there you can clear up.

With your husband: Try saying something like, "Ha ha, kind of funny how it's been seven years and I never ended up changing my last name. I can't believe how much time had passed - I'd always intended to - so I'm going to go ahead and do it now. Gosh, I'm sorry it's taken me so long! How do you feel about that?" Even if he says, "I don't care..." just do it anyway.

Hope that was helpful.