As you plan your wedding, what has been the hardest on you and your fiance? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

lisabrookeskift · #1 03-11-2009, 06:45 AM

I'm curious to know about the kind of difficulties couples are having as they plan their weddings - clearly it's a very stressful period.

Are you and your fiance fighting more?

If so - how are you working through it?

If you're fighting more and not working through it so well - I'd like to hear about that too.

Please know that it's NORMAL and there's nothing necessarily wrong with you or your relationship if you're having a hard time!

Ciarrai · #2 03-11-2009, 06:59 AM

Ha, yes. Unfortunately there have been several big problems with his parents so it's caused some friction between all of us (his parents, my parents, me and him.)

Luckily we spend at least an hour just sitting and talking together before bed every night, which has really helped us work through our problems.

feb-bride · #3 03-11-2009, 08:49 AM

You know, I was actually pretty lucky when my husband and I were planning our wedding. He wasn't really "into" all of the wedding stuff, so he let me plan everything. He only gave input on the music and the champagne that we served.

The only issue we had was that he procrastinated when it came to asking his best man and groomsmen to be in the wedding. As a result, we had to scramble to find a couple of men to be in our wedding (his best friend couldn't do it because my husband waited too long to ask), but it worked out. I was stressed, but we didn't really fight about it or anything.

sarah+tim060609 · #4 03-11-2009, 03:44 PM

It does seem that Tim & I are having bigger fights. However, we are also buying a house at the same time.
This is his 2nd marriage and the first time he didn't get to help out with the planning or the marriage for that matter. So this time he really wants to be involved, which is great until a decision has to be made LOL then getting two people on the same page is hard. But luckily we aren't involving any parents.
I think having a dedicated hour is a great idea, like Ciarrai. But what we have been learning is that is we back off for a little bit and let each other calm down it makes it much easier to listen. This has been working for all our fights. We get mad or upset, fight for about 10 mins then it is like both of us realize we are fighting and we stop and wait until we both calm down then talk it all out. We always talk it out in the end, one way or another.

lisabrookeskift · #5 03-11-2009, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ciarrai

Luckily we spend at least an hour just sitting and talking together before bed every night, which has really helped us work through our problems.

This is so great! If more couples just "checked in" with each other they would struggle less with issues building up. You guys do it every night which is amazing! Nice job...

lisabrookeskift · #6 03-11-2009, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

The only issue we had was that he procrastinated when it came to asking his best man and groomsmen to be in the wedding. As a result, we had to scramble to find a couple of men to be in our wedding (his best friend couldn't do it because my husband waited too long to ask), but it worked out. I was stressed, but we didn't really fight about it or anything.

If that was your only issue, you are lucky. No fighting - yipeee!

lisabrookeskift · #7 03-11-2009, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarah+tim060609

I think having a dedicated hour is a great idea, like Ciarrai. But what we have been learning is that is we back off for a little bit and let each other calm down it makes it much easier to listen. This has been working for all our fights. We get mad or upset, fight for about 10 mins then it is like both of us realize we are fighting and we stop and wait until we both calm down then talk it all out. We always talk it out in the end, one way or another.

That's very smart - to know when you're both getting too "spun up" to have a productive conversation. It sounds like you are taking your own little modified versions of a "time out" which is what I teach higher conflict couples to use.

Like you know, if you allow a few minutes to pass you can more productively tackle the issue at hand.

wynelle · #8 03-11-2009, 08:51 PM

Frequent wedding issues that can come up:

1) who decides how the wedding guest list is to be divided? Wedding couple? Parents of the bride (especially if they are paying for the wedding)? Parents of the groom?

2) Alcohol at the reception? Open bar? Beer/wine? Cash bar?

3) "Regional" trends- dollar dance, wishing well

4) Type of music--DJ, vs band, vs ensemble

5) Religious service, which religion, non-denominational

6) Where the wedding is to be held? Hometown of bride, hometown of groom? Where they are currently living?

lisabrookeskift · #9 03-11-2009, 11:30 PM

Regardless of who's paying for the wedding - it seems to me that the couple are the ones who are getting married and should be the final decision makers on all of those questions. I understand that it's not always that simple - particularly where family is concerned.

But after all - isn't the wedding about the couple and how they want it to be?

I realize I'm probably going to get a lot of, "you haven't seen his mother...." or "you haven't seen my dad..." and I understand that some of these matters are very delicate.

If there is over-involvement by a host of other people, I would encourage couples to make a list of the things that really matter to them regarding their wedding. Is it location? Is it the food? Is it the music? Keep your boundaries firm with the most important aspects to you and your fiance and let others dictate the smaller stuff if that makes them feel good - and will keep the peace.

Complicated Woman · #10 03-12-2009, 04:43 AM

I think for us, the hardest part was simply that we bit off a little more than we could chew. My husband was in police academy at the time, which was so demanding in and of itself, we were moving in together for the first time, the church I was working at was going through an ugly split -- throw wedding planning and then being newlyweds in on top of that and it was really kind of a tough time. Sometimes I think we should have put the wedding off for just a couple of months to let ourselves adjust to all the other changes -- but then, those times were so difficult that we might have broken up if not for the commitment of marriage. That would have been the absolute worst mistake of our lives...so I suppose it all worked out.

On the other hand, I think all the other demands did help to keep the importance of the wedding itself in perspective -- our arguments about it were usually resolved quickly because we realized we were just using it to release the stress we had about bigger issues.

But anyway, I guess the short answer is just that the emotional transition from being solo players to being a real team was the hardest part.

Brandonsgirl · #11 03-12-2009, 04:19 PM

We've just now started but the hardest part so far was just deciding on a venue but now that we've found that we feel so much better! Luckily for us, my parents are paying for the wedding so that takes the financial burden off of us. The biggest issues we'll have are his family and the drama that comes with them. Hopefully things work out

emilya · #12 03-13-2009, 03:30 AM

There hasn't been issues yet between the two of us yet...but there probably will be. He'll be in Las Vegas the whole time that I am planning our wedding in FL so not much involvement on his part there. lol
My biggest problem so far is just trying to get out there to see him...with my parents trying to tell me it isn't 'appropriate' to visit him alone before the wedding. (strict Christian household) I live with my parents currently.
The only issues I'm having are with my parents, not the groom lol
Matt is great...I asked him if he minded if i had black in my wedding dress...and he said, "You can have black in the dress, you can have an ALL black dress, heck you can make the entire wedding black!" lol So no problems with him.

lisabrookeskift · #13 03-13-2009, 06:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Complicated Woman

I guess the short answer is just that the emotional transition from being solo players to being a real team was the hardest part.

Ah yes, becoming "we" after being a "you" for some time. That can be tough. It's a big shift for a lot of people.

lisabrookeskift · #14 03-13-2009, 06:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brandonsgirl

The biggest issues we'll have are his family and the drama that comes with them. Hopefully things work out

It's amazing how common "family drama" around weddings is. There are so many expectations that the various players have - from the couples themselves to the parents of both of them and everyone who has an opinion in between.

That alone can be draining - not to mention the planning and execution of it all!

rubysync · #15 03-16-2009, 09:50 AM

the hardest part to us when we are choosing what our give aways would look like and the wedding invitations... we eve have a little arguments on it... but we fix it already... then the wedding goes smoothly after that one

rubysync · #16 03-16-2009, 09:58 AM

my husband and I are always fighting before the weddig.. my friends call it a wedding blues... but all went fine... we are very happy after the wedding

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisabrookeskift

I'm curious to know about the kind of difficulties couples are having as they plan their weddings - clearly it's a very stressful period.

Are you and your fiance fighting more?

If so - how are you working through it?

If you're fighting more and not working through it so well - I'd like to hear about that too.

Please know that it's NORMAL and there's nothing necessarily wrong with you or your relationship if you're having a hard time!