anyone as stressed out as I am?

[erin701]

I am absolutely stressed. We're only in the beginning stages - at the point where we need to decide on a venue, and it is bringing up so many of my own unresolved family that it's driving me a bit insane. I really just want to elope at this point.

We had planned to choose a venue in the mountains not too far away from my parent's southeastern hometown and where I grew up. We also looked at one venue in my hometown. After looking at lots of venues, of the ones we really liked, the only one in our price range was in my parents hometown. He is ready to choose it and go for it, but i"m hesitant. It's bringing up a lot of my memories from childhood about the place - I'm having a kind of adolescent response to the small-town-I-grew-up-in. There are a lot of class and other dynamics going on there that I've rejected and moved away from, and I guess somehow I see a lot of the weddings there to be a part of it participating in all that I have rejected about the place and social dynamics.

I've also had issues with my family. I live on the other side of country from them and over the past 5 years have found it increasingly difficult to relate to them. Sometimes I go home and spend 5 days with them and throughout the whole time no one has really asked about me or engaged me in any way. I leave feeling really disconnected from them and like they don't care. In reality, they are very nice kind people but their lives are just so different than mine. But this dynamic has been really hurtful to me. Then with the engagement and beginnings of wedding planning, everyone is suddenly so interested in my life and wanting to support me. It's been kinda overwhelming - both nice but also hurtful in that I feel, why now? just because I'm getting married?

Anyhow - all of this is leading me to feel afraid that if I have it in my parent's home town it will all feel really fake and participating in the things that I have rejected, and that I'll feel disconnected to people at my wedding such as my family.

Is this a normal part of going through wedding planning? Should I confront these issues and go ahead with the venue there? Or should I not have to confront all of these issues during my wedding and I should look for another venue in the mountains or elsewhere?

[lisabrookeskift]

What is "normal" after all? There are so many different types of struggles couples can have, particularly when it comes to family, prior to getting married.

For you - it sounds like it's all bringing up a lot of "old stuff." Not only that, you've naturally grown more distant to your family. This is not uncommon, particularly for those who have a lot of "old stuff" they've dealt with in their family dynamics. Sometimes people make the decision to emotionally distance themselves for survival or to follow a path that may not coincide with the family.

At the end of the day, the wedding is about celebrating your union with your partner and ideally both of you feel content with everything around it. It's about you after all. (though so many times it can feel like it's more about other people now can't it?)

Check in with yourself regarding some of the deeper issues at play - and what's really important here. It sounds like it's only a matter of "when" things get dealt with. If that's the bottom line for you - then when is the preferred time?

Before the wedding - or during it? I suspect neither choice is very pleasant.