This is a thread that was started in our old BlissWeddings.com forums by lidlelou on 12/10/2002.
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posted by lidlelou
I am getting married in April. The wedding planning is going fine. However the reception is a touchy issue. When I mentioned having alcohol at the reception, my mom said immediately that if we did that then she, nor the rest of her side of my family will be there. I understand that she doesn't drink, however, several of the invited guests do. She said we can either not serve alcohol and she will come or we can serve alcohol and she won't come. Am I wrong to want this done my way?
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posted by anon
You're not wrong. Your mom's just trying to manipulate you. I'm sure she has no intention of actually missing your wedding. I think you should call her bluff.
If you want to be a little bit evil, you can pretend you're glad she won't be coming because that will give you the opportunity to invite people (who drink) who had originally been cut from the list due to budget constraints.
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posted by anon
By the way, is your mom absolutely certain that she can speak for her ENTIRE side of the family?
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posted by Holly
Hi lidlelou,
Many people serve alcohol at your reception, and if that's what you want, I think you should still go for it. Is your mom concerned because she thinks there will be no alternatives to alcohol (pop, punch, etc)? Does she know some people who are coming that are alcoholics, and is she afraid they could make a scene? If these are her fears, then maybe you could address them ... Or, is it a control issue? If it's a control issue, then well, I suggest doing what you want to do, otherwise she may always feel free to *blackmail* you into things. If you give in to something that you really don't want to, you may always regret it. I think also I would mention to her that she's placed you in a really unfair position; there shouldn't be a "choice" between your mom or your wedding.
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posted by lidlelou
Thanks, it's nice to have a fresh opinion. I think she is just being selfish. I know that mom has always dispised alcohol, but to try to ruin my wedding over it is just selfish. I have tried several ways to compromise with her and it's just not possible. It was clear either do it her way or without her. My fiance' and I have decided, that we are going to have a beautiful wedding and a wonderful reception, just the way we want it, with or without her. Hopefully she will come around and quit thinking only of herself. Thanks again.
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posted by MissW
Lidlelou~
Unfortunately, alcohol is one of those things you will never really "win" on. If people don't drink, they can't imagine anyone wanting to, but if you do drink, you can easily give it up for one night. My fiance and I were going through the same thing (I have recovering alcoholics on my side, he has practicing ones on his!!) We had decided that we didn't really care all that much about the alcohol, so we are having a champagne toast and other than that, there will be soda, tea, etc... Would this be a possibilty for you? I don't want to promote your mother blackmailing you or thinking she could get her way, but maybe she knows something about members of your family that you don't? Good Luck
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posted by lidlelou
She won't come if there is one drop of alcohol, she has made that very clear. I have tried to compromise with her (serving alcohol after the reception had been going for a while, so she could not be around it and still be with us), she still says no. I think her reasoning is that she has never been around alcohol and isn't going to start now. I just wish she would understand that a huge part of the wedding is the reception and decides to come anyway. Hopefully, once she sees that I am not doing it her way, she will decide to just accept it. Thanks for your advice.
Shelia Logsdon
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posted by wynelle
Well, another thing to look at is YOUR personal preference to alcohol. Are you a non-drinker who is having alcohol because your fiance and his family expect it? Is he a nondrinker but having alcohol due to other pressures? If neither of you are big drinkers, then the champagne toast idea is a nice alternative. You don't have to serve alcohol because "several invited guests" do drink. However, if the two of you expect to be imbibing, then you may want more. Personally, I was too busy to do much drinking, I had two glasses of champagne, and that was it. It is unfortunate that your mother is attempting such blackmail, especially if there are not religious or family-related problems.
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posted by anon
I just don't believe that your mother won't come to your reception because there will be alcohol there. Tell her how it will be now, so that she has time to come to grips with the fact that she will not have control of this particular issue. As she thinks about what's important, she will certainly decide that being there for something so important is a bigger issue than whether there's alcohol there.
Is this the way your mom deals with everything in her life? Has she boycotted other weddings because she knew there would be alcohol served? Does she call and clear this every time she gets a wedding invitation?
I realize that drinking is a big issue for a lot of people -- there is alcoholism on both sides of my family, so I really do understand. But your mother needs to realize that she can't control everyone around her. She can choose not to drink, but just because she thinks it's bad doesn't mean everyone else should feel that way.
And as some other people mentioned, you probably won't have much time to drink and you could just have the champagne toast (although it doesn't sound like your mother would appreciate that, either) -- but why?? This is your reception. You should have alcohol available if you want it there.
I'm sorry to go on and on about this, but it really disturbs me when people try to control whole situations like this.
Alcohol....or not......
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