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UCF_bride · #1 02-02-2006, 07:06 PM

It seems i have soo much to rant about now that i'm planning a wedding....does anyone else feel the same? soo here's what happened this time...

I ask my FSILs to be in the wedding, and neither of them really wanted to do it, but they said if i wanted them to do it, that they would. The older one is still in school and the younger one just graduated from college so I knew that they were strapped financially. (keep in mind that both my fiance and i are students as well). So FMIL, who will be footing their bill, tells me that they have two dresses from previous weddings that they were in that happen to be red. And that they could use those for the wedding. I had already been dress shopping with the MOH so we knew what color and designer we wanted to use, but trying to be nice, I said, sounds like a good idea...let's keep that in mind.

Later, i send the sisters and the mom an email saying in case the colors don't match, send me your measurements and types of dresses that you like so that I can order the dresses down here for cheap. A week goes by and all i get is, "well, if you order them down there, we won't be able to alter them"...(I figured it would be obvious that although I'm ordering them down here, I'd ship the dresses to them; one lives in the midwest, one lives in DC, and we live in FL). So I sent a swatch up there and lo and behold, the colors are different. What's the first thing I hear?...well..it's ok for your MOH to stand out, but at least me and my sister will be matching...I was livit...in any other wedding i've been to or heard about, all the girls wear the same thing and have little say in the dress style...and i'm going out of my way to let them pick the style of their dress and whatnot...and instead they just want to use dresses that they bought for their friends' wedding...this is their brother's wedding we are talking about....you think they would be excited..

I understand the fact that they are on a budget, but they made me feel really bad about wanting my bridesmaids to match...as if I was committing some unspeakable crime....and then I find out the mom and one sister are going to Europe for a week!

Finally I told them, I needed their measurements within 48 hours because I ordering the dress, and if money is such a big issue, I'll foot the bill...since I seem to be the only one to not want to risk the dresses not matching...

was I overreacting?..what would you guys have done?

Cirig · #2 02-02-2006, 07:16 PM

I'd of told them "I'd like everyone to match, if you can't afford the dresses and would like to step down from the bridal party- I understand"

Neither one of them wants to be in the party anyways- they are probably resentful b/c they were asked to, and so now they are causing issues. Do you really want them in the party?

ljeagle · #3 02-02-2006, 07:26 PM

I think u handled it like I would of. Don't feel bad it is your wedding and u want it the way u pictured it.

UCF_bride · #4 02-02-2006, 07:33 PM

to answer your Q cirig, in 2004, i moved down to Orlando for college, and had spent my senior year of HS in a boarding school in MS...by the time I left that god-forsaken place in mississippi, my friends from HS in VA had gone off to different colleges. and with two jobs and school i never had the time to make friends here...so...when my MOH quit on me, I only had one bridesmaid..at that point, my only option was to ask them....

I was hoping that this would be a bonding experience...but i think it's going to do the opposite...

feb-bride · #5 02-02-2006, 07:37 PM

I would handle it like Cirig suggested. Tell them if they don't want to buy/wear the dresses you are suggesting, then you will understand if they want to step down.

I would rather have one bridal party member who supported me than three bridal party members when two of them are being adversarial.

Cirig · #6 02-02-2006, 07:38 PM

I hope I'm not sounding rude. But I was thinking exactly what you said "I was hoping that this would be a bonding experience...but i think it's going to do the opposite..."

If I asked my FH's sister to be in the bridal party & she said that she didn't want to- but she would, I would probably tell her not to bother. It's sad really, I feel badly for you. But they are being jerks- and you're going to have to deal with them for the entire wedding planning process.

Anyways- that's what I would've done. But you didn't do the wrong thing either- I just would have gone a different route. You don't need more than the MOH right?

UCF_bride · #7 02-02-2006, 07:44 PM

well, the one sister who said she really didn't want to do, said it was because..she didn't like weddings. and managed to get ouf attending quite a few..including a close relative's....i dont' understand why shes so selfish...i guess I should have not pressured (well...not pressured..but.....i can't think of the right word) them to do this...I was just soo upset that my MOH would wait 8 months and a 20 hour car trip to tell me that she didn't want to be my MOH..

anyway..in the past few months I've gotten to know another girl from UCf, so I went ahead and asked if she wanted to be a BM...we'll see what she says

roseprincess · #8 02-02-2006, 07:45 PM

I agree with feb & Cirig... and also wanted to remind you that we've often talked about having people who really support us in the wedding party, even if that means the sides are uneven (don't know if that's part of your concern).

As far as the not-matching thing, while it is YOUR choice how you want the people on your side to look, it is becoming common to have the MOH wear something that makes her stand out from the rest of the BP. Of course, that doesn't mean you FSILs wear red while the MOH wears blue but if the colors of the MOH dress you picked out are complementary to the red of the dresses they already have... AND you don't mind them not matching, I'd put this in the column of "issue not worth fighting over" and move on. Again, only if you didn't have your heart set on all of them wearing the same thing. FWIW, my MOH would've looked awful in the periwinkle blue I chose as my BP color, so we found her a dress that was slightly darker and she looked beautiful.

UCF_bride · #9 02-02-2006, 08:00 PM

I understand that the MOH should stand out..in fact she's going to have a different bouquet than everyone else...originally when I first got engaged, I figured, I'd pick the color and designer, and everyone would a pick a dress that best complimented their body....so they'd be matching color wise...though not style wise....the sisters weren't too helpful about that either....

I just think...if I were asked to be in a wedding...i would never tell the bridesmaid what i'd rather wear...i'd give her suggestions on what styles I liked beforeheand...but once she told me she wanted this dress or that dress...the decision would be finall..no ifs ands or buts...

Jennifer · #10 02-03-2006, 05:13 PM

When I was asking my BMs to be in the wedding I basically stated it like this:

I would really like you to be a bridesmaid. However, if you feel like you would rather just come to the wedding I understand. I know it is expensive and time consuming so I want to respect you. Just think about it and let me know. Either way, I want you to be there.

Basically it gave everyone a way to decline with no hurt feelings. Would it be possible to get with them and say "Let's start over, this seems to have gotten off to the wrong start. I feel like I maybe 'convinced' you to be in the wedding and I know there was some resistance. Your brother and I would love for you to be part of the wedding, but if that means being a part in the audiance, that is fine with us. If you feel like you would rather not be a BM, we are fine with that. I want us all to enjoy the day. So that being said, I understand if you would rather step down.

Then from there...if they still agree to be in it...say "Here is the dress (show picture) and it cost this much. I need your measurements and your money in the next XX days.

That way you are giving them one more chance to back out and if they decide to stay, you have every right to tell them what you want them to wear.

Jennifer · #11 02-03-2006, 05:16 PM

PS - like it was already said, you have to be with these girls for the rest of your life. The sooner you resolve this and move on the easier it will be for you the day of the wedding to enjoy being around them. If the tension remains, it won't go away after you say I DO. You will always remember it and have some amount of resentment for them "ruining" your day.

Just my

UCF_bride · #12 02-03-2006, 05:42 PM

you know what jennifer...that is an awesome idea...i wish i would have used that wording when I asked my BMs to be part of the wedding...
i think i'll ask them if they really want to do this..and see what happens..

Chillchacha · #13 02-03-2006, 07:58 PM

UFC,

I think you have been more than gracious to them you have gone above and beyond what most brides would have. I plan explaining things to our wedding participants similar to what Jennifer had stated. It sounds like at least one of your FSIL has something against weddings all together so try not to take it personal. If they have an attitude problem it’s their problem and their loss. It sounds like you are a super nice person who is kind and considerate to others and they are going to be the ones to miss out on a bonding experience with you. Genuine and nice people are a rarity in this world so I say it again it is their loss.

Jennifer · #14 02-03-2006, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UCF_bride

you know what jennifer...that is an awesome idea...i wish i would have used that wording when I asked my BMs to be part of the wedding...
i think i'll ask them if they really want to do this..and see what happens..

If that doesn't work...have them call me...I'll handle it for you