What would you do? - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

ladedah · #1 01-30-2006, 07:14 PM

Just a general question that I am interested in hearing others' opinions on...

I have a friend who is getting married in late May, the Best Man and his wife (mutual friends) are expecting (they've known that they have been expecting for a while), it was thought that they were due about a month before the wedding and have recently but found learned at a sonogram last week that they are due the day before the wedding!!! So, the couple getting married are under the assumption that he would want to step down from BM as he would not necessarily know for sure that he would be able to make it, there are no ill feelings about this as they are excited for the expecting couple either way and understand that life happens this way sometimes.

Well, the bride just e-mailed me that another friend (who happens to be the cousin of the groom) was talking to BM yesterday and actually asked him what he was going to do about friends wedding. BM said, nothing. He mentioned that the odds of the birth interfering are slim and since the wedding was in the same town as the expected birth it should be no big deal, and if his wife is giving birth right during the wedding and he can't be there, the bride and groom should understand.

Okay, so the bride is freaking out (she's one of my attendants..we've shared many a freak-out together)..of course she only heard this second hand..and passed it on to me...

Since there are so many different opinions on things here, I thought I would see what you all have to say...I have my gut reaction, but I want to hear yours before I answer her.

Marge129 · #2 01-30-2006, 07:22 PM

Wow, this is a toughy. Like the BM said... there's a chance that the baby may not interfere with the wedding at all. After all, the wedding is just a few hours on one day. KWIM? I'm sure he really doesn't want to step-down, it may mean a lot to him to be the BM in that wedding.

On the other hand, it would be crappy timing if the wife went into labor say during the ceremony. Could you imagine the BM's cell phone ringing during the vows, him answering, then running off? I'd be upset if that happened during my wedding.

Do the B and G plan on replacing him as BM or just not having a BM? I'd say if they were just planning on not having a BM, they should let the Dad2B stay as the BM and not step down. If, by the day of the wedding, the baby hasn't come yet there should be a plan in place. Ceremonies only last 30-45 minutes... she won't have the baby that quickly. He can call and check in with her right before and right after the ceremony and leave if he needs to.

I don't know... I keep going back and forth on this in my head. Both events are just as important to each couple.

I'm sure I wasn't much help! Sorry!

feb-bride · #3 01-30-2006, 07:24 PM

Here's how I would handle this situation if I was the one getting married.

The GROOM (not the bride since the attendant in question isn't hers) should simply have a conversation with the BM. He should tell the BM that he really wants the BM to be in the wedding, but if he needs to step down because of his wife's due date, then he would totally understand. The choice should be left up to the BM as to whether or not he remains in the wedding party.

I think it would be sort of crappy of the bride/groom to kick the BM out of the wedding party because of the wife's due date. Most babies aren't born on the due date anyway (particularly if this is the first pregnancy for the mom). Besides, it would not be the end of the world if the sides were uneven.

Marge129 · #4 01-30-2006, 07:26 PM

Feb, you always say things so much better than I do.

Marrying_the_Good_Husband · #5 01-30-2006, 07:40 PM

Even if the baby is born a couple days before, though, would the BM STILL come to the wedding? It's the responsibility of the groom to tell the BM that he would feel more comfortable if he stepped down. If that's what the B&G want, then it's their responsibility to tell him so, not talk to EVERYONE ELSE behind his back that they hope he steps down and why doesn't he, etc.

ljeagle · #6 01-30-2006, 08:05 PM

I think they should just play it be ear. U never know what is going to happen. Let the BM choose if he needs to step down. If the bm had to run out during the ceremony because his wife went in to labor I know I would under stand...

ladedah · #7 01-30-2006, 08:20 PM

I don't think they are talking about it to everyone behind their backs...unless you count me as everyone....the cousin was the one who heard it and told the B & G about it....

Really she told me about it for the same reason that we post here...we are both planning a wedding and sometimes you just don't make rationale decisions when it comes to that.....I was just wondering what all of you would do if in the same circumstances.

It hasn't actually been confirmed by the B & G...remember the cousin heard from the BM (Cousin, G, and BM are all best friends) last week...it could be that the BM just hasn't gotten around to telling them...or wasn't planning on it because he doesn't think it's any big deal...I don't know..

What I do know is that the Groom is a little annoyed that the BM hasn't called him and told him....and I after I asked, and she mentioned that Groom would like him to step into a less important role....just in case...

Heather · #8 01-30-2006, 08:31 PM

If he feel he needs to then I'm sure he'll say something to the groom - or as Feb suggested, have the groom ask him himself.

I wouldn't ever ask someone to step down for this reason. If she goes into labor during the ceremony and the BM has to leave - I would have the officiant make an announcement that his wife just went into labor, and I'll bet everyone there would be happy for him. It would be something to look back at with humor and would be a great wedding story.

The groom could also have someone prepare a "back-up" speech for the reception if the BM does have to leave.

feb-bride · #9 01-30-2006, 09:06 PM

I think it would be terribly rude to ask him to step down or to take a "less-important" role because his wife is due sooner than they thought. I don't think symmetry in the wedding party is worth straining a very good friendship.

lisa82 · #10 01-30-2006, 10:25 PM

I agree with everyone else. It really isn't necessary to make a big deal out of this. The chances of her going into labour right when they exchange vows it pretty slim. I'd just suggest that if having the same amount of attendants on each side is important to them, they should just have someone who is willing to be a backup. Even if it was the grooms father or whatever. This guy probably just hasn't said anything to them because he doesn't want to worry them needlessly. He's probably already talked it over with his wife and she wants him to be there for his friend. Hope this all works out for them!

deputysgurl · #11 01-30-2006, 11:25 PM

I agree with the other girls. My sister in law was preggo at my sisters wedding and she didn't ask her to step down. My sister in law was the MOH. She made it through the wedding fine, but had the baby 2 days later.

Why jepardize a friendship becuase his wife is preggo.

wynelle · #12 01-30-2006, 11:31 PM

Besides, the way things are going, they could induce her 10 days before the duedate, and then both could come to the wedding with the precious baby. Not!

But, I do think the groom should be the one to talk to the BM. He could just give a call and say "The rumor mill is flailing about a change in your wife's duedate?"

I would never ask the BM to step down. And I do think it would be an interesting touch.

roseprincess · #13 01-30-2006, 11:55 PM

IMO, groom should talk to BM and say that he's heard their due date has changed & is wondering if that'll change BM's commitment to be a part of the wedding party. And, he should also consider having two BMs, like maybe the cousin since they're all best friends. I wish we'd known that was an option for our wedding, DH has always felt bad that he picked one brother over the other for the BM role (I would've preferred the GM brother be the BM

)

I think the problem with everyone's focus here has been that y'all seem to only be considering what if she goes into labor during the ceremony. But, I'm thinking what if she goes into labor before the RD, and the BM misses out on all the festivities and possible assigned-wedding-party-duties. What if she goes into labor in the early morning hours of the wedding day and has a C-section? Or the baby's born at a convenient date, well ahead of the wedding, but the baby's in the NICU the day of? I mean, he's not gonna leave their side (I hope) to go to the friend's wedding... Does this guy fully comprehend what his duties are as BM, and what his duties are as expectant father? And is the groom willing to not have any expectations of his BM, other than standing beside him during the ceremony? Just my

555Ann555 · #14 01-31-2006, 01:19 AM

I think they shouldn't ask the BM to step down but should be fully prepared for him to be absent.

I don't know if the legalities are the same but over here the two wittnesses have to be named before hand and it *has* to be those two who sign the register, so perhaps they could have the MOB and MOG sign the register instead. If the BM can stay all day it would just look like the B&G wanted their mums more involved but if he can't be there it wouldn't look like they were favouring one mum over the other.

I think the G would have to prepare in insert to his speech explaining the absence of his BM and they'd have to plan ahead for the dances and anything else the BM is involved in.

After that they'd be ready, it might not be perfect but they'd always remember the baby's birthday

Jacqueline · #15 01-31-2006, 02:02 PM

if i was the bride i would not worry as even if labour dose start it will be hours mor ethan enogh time to get married and get to the hospital

as for the best man he is standing by his friend good on him i can under stand what the bride feels

i would tell her not to worry but have a stand in BM man just incase things happenm in the earlyer hours of teh morning of the wedding

feb-bride · #16 01-31-2006, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 555Ann555

I don't know if the legalities are the same but over here the two wittnesses have to be named before hand and it *has* to be those two who sign the register, so perhaps they could have the MOB and MOG sign the register instead.

That's not the case here. ANYONE can sign the marriage license in California, as long as both witnesses are at least 18 years old. We don't have to state in advance who will sign.

When my sister got married (in Nevada), only one of the witnesses had to be 18 years old. I signed, and so did my brother (who was only 16 at the time).

ladedah · #17 01-31-2006, 03:34 PM

Hey Girls...

I talked to Aimee last night (the bride) and told her I had posted here to ask everyones opinions...I'm going to e-mail her the link so she can read what has been said.

She really doesn't care what Chris (the groom) decides either way about the BM...she's willing to go with the flow...what does affect her is that Chris is upset...and I mean really upset...so I think she was asking for my opinion to see if maybe she can understand what to say or how to make him feel better..I definetly don't think she'll be telling him it's rude to ask him to step down if that is what he wants...but maybe she'll have him read the answers as well...

So, I think what he is struggling with is that he wants to think it through before saying anything at all to the BM...and I don't think he wants to necessarily ask him to step down (or maybe he does, I'm not sure)...Chris was the BM for the BM's wedding and he totally lived up to the role..He kept the groomsmen organized, picked BM up early on his wedding day, took him golfing and out to lunch...he just wanted to make sure that was his perfect day...Aimee kind of thinks that while he doesn't necessarily expect that from his BM on his wedding day, he does feel that the most important person to him on his wedding day (besides Aimee of course) is his best man...And he feels that if the situation were reversed he would step down because if he knew there were a chance that he may not be able to make it or fulfill all of the duties and responsibilites he wouldn't want his friend to miss out on those things...it's a once in a lifetime deal..

I think roseprincess kind of hit the button...

feb-bride · #18 01-31-2006, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladedah

And he feels that if the situation were reversed he would step down because if he knew there were a chance that he may not be able to make it or fulfill all of the duties and responsibilites he wouldn't want his friend to miss out on those things...it's a once in a lifetime deal..

While that may be true, not everyone thinks the same way. I think it would be a bit unfair of the groom to expect his friend to voluntarily step down, even though many of us would probably do the same thing. I know that if I was the MOH in a wedding, was pregnant, and found out that my due date was that close to the wedding, I'd offer to step down.

I do think it would be rude to expect the BM to step down, but it's not my wedding. If the groom really wants the BM to step down, that's his decision. I just think that the groom should be prepared to deal with the fall-out (e.g., wrecking the friendship).