Bridesmaid woes

[The future Mrs.]

i am having major issues with my bridesmaid and don't know if i should salvage my relationship with her.

tina was my good friend all throughout college. after college was over, i started to notice that she was a very selfish friend and we had a very "superficial" relationship. i also have had problems with her because she can be a little negative about my fiance.

well, my other friend's father is dying from cancer and we were talking about how tina never has called ever, even though she knew her dad was dying. we were both dissapointed at how tina was not there for my friend steph. i have been steph's shoulder to cry on for weeks now.

since steph needed a lot of support from us, i wrote tina an email expressing how i was very upset with her and how she wasn't being a good friend in stephanie's time of need. she wrote back that she was highly offended that i emailed her with that, and how i always "accuse" her of being a bad friend... and how it was none of my business.

after a few nasty emails, i tried to end it lightly and said something how we fight like sisters. NO RESPONSE. i don't know if i should apologize or not. i told her i wanted more from our friendship, and thats why i was dissapointed, but she just gets defensive and nasty.

she is supposed to be a bridesmaid. is this relationship worth saving? was i in the wrong?
Gina

[wynelle]

Seems like there are several different issues here.

First- what changed in her behavior between college and now to make you feel she is selfish, and 'superficial?' Is this in relatiohsip to her not particularly caring for your fiance?

Second- how close are Steph and Tina as friends? Do they only know each other because they are both in your wedding, or have they been close friends and buddies for a long time?

Third- to be honest- this seems to be an issue between Steph and Tina, and it really wasn't your place to tell her you expected Tina to be there to be a shoulder for Steph. There could be other things going on here that you aren't aware of.

Last- I'm sorry that the negtive emails seemed to esculate to such a level that you would consider kicking her off the wedding team. I would suggest a face-to-face to apologize for the initial email, explain calmly that you were feeling overwhelmed being Steph's main source of support, then discuss the wedding plans. See if she is still comfortable being a bridesmaid. Good luck

[justnmary]

First off, I don't think what was going on with her and your other friend was really any of your business. So you probably should have kept that to yourself. If it bothered your friend that much she should have contacted her. Not you.

Second people grow apart. Maybe she has other reasons as to why you think she's being a selfish friend? I had lots of friends before I got remarried and had another daughter.....now, I don't have time for my friends like I used to and they understand that. I can't go out and party every weekend like I used to so I'm sure that may come across as selfish if you looked at it that way, but when you grow up, people change. Situations change. You need to deal with it.

[The future Mrs.]

well, an example of selfish behavior. she felt guilty after my email, so she left steph a message. it was something like "hey steph, haven't talked to you in a while. give me a call back, i wanted to tell you how we just bought a new house!"
um, her dad is dying, i don't think that she cares about your new house.

we have all been friends for years. they have grown apart more, but still remain friends.

tina cares very much about appearances. she cares more about how many people she has at a party, more than who is there.... as an example.

i guess my resentment has built up for a while and i chose this particular wrong-doing as a platform for me telling her off, even though it wasn't my battle. i felt like i was just sticking up for stephanie, though.

[justnmary]

Did you ever think that maybe she doesn't know how to deal with death? I don't think she's being selfish, I think she doesn't know how to handle the situation. To this day I have a hard time dealing with death for other people. My uncle died in January, I had all I could do to give my cousins my condolences. For me it's the hardest thing to do. I don't concider myself selfish I just don't deal well with it for other people. If she is this selfish and I'm wrong, why wouldn't you have noticed this in college? She wouldn't have changed over night.

[The future Mrs.]

i think in college she would have been there for her more, because we lived down the hall from each other. its easier to be there when its more convenient.

i guess this hits me on a personal note as well. my mom died in high school, and i think if my friends didn't bother to check up on me, i wouldn't have considered them friends.

in my mind, all friends are like a hallmark commercial. they sit around and talk and drink coffee and gab. i don't like making appointments months ahead of time to see my friends... but it seems that is whats happening with a lot of them...

[justnmary]

That's pretty much real life. It's the only time I see my friends. It's hard once you're a 'grown up'. Especially when you have a full-time career, Significant other and possibly kids. Remember the saying "enjoy being a kid" there's a lot of truth to that.

[ladedah]

Originally Posted by The future Mrs.

in my mind, all friends are like a hallmark commercial. they sit around and talk and drink coffee and gab. i don't like making appointments months ahead of time to see my friends... but it seems that is whats happening with a lot of them...

I hate to say it, but if this is the way you feel then you are probably going to have a lot more hurt feelings in the future. I love my friends but real life has taken over and we're lucky to get a monthly phone call in to each other....

is it possible that maybe you're the one being selfish, expecting all your friends to live up to your needs and expectations??

[feb-bride]

Originally Posted by ladedah

I hate to say it, but if this is the way you feel then you are probably going to have a lot more hurt feelings in the future. I love my friends but real life has taken over and we're lucky to get a monthly phone call in to each other....

That is so true.

I adore my best friend, but now she lives halfway across the country. We do our best with email, but as far as actual phone calls, we get on the phone MAYBE once every other month because we are both very busy with our lives.

I have another really close friend, but we are lucky to get together about once a month, and she lives less than 15 minutes away from me. It's not because we don't care about each other; it's because we're both really busy with our families and jobs.

Originally Posted by ladedah

is it possible that maybe you're the one being selfish, expecting all your friends to live up to your needs and expectations??

Or if not exactly selfish, maybe just VERY unrealistic.

[The future Mrs.]

I am not quite understanding. when i recently wrote a post about "how often do you talk to your bridesmaids?", a lot of people acted like they spoke to them VERY often. i guess i expected more from someone who used to be my best friend.

[Complicated Woman]

Originally Posted by The future Mrs.

in my mind, all friends are like a hallmark commercial. they sit around and talk and drink coffee and gab. i don't like making appointments months ahead of time to see my friends... but it seems that is whats happening with a lot of them...

Can I ask how long you've been out of college? Because honestly, this just doesn't happen once you have a full time job and a house to maintain and a spouse who you're obligated to...I have a couple of girlfriends who I see all the time, one in particular because our husbands work the same shift and so we often have free time together, but my college and high school friends? It's lucky if I see them once or twice a year. It's not that we don't love each other, but we're all busy and in different places. It happens. I'm sure once you're married and settled you will see that it's a little different.

And in defense of your friend, maybe she just wanted to keep the conversation with Stephanie positive and just let her bring up her father's health if she wanted to talk to her about it. Also, buying a house is a pretty huge deal, and I can see why she would want to share that news.

I can see why you were trying to stick up for your friend, I might have gotten a little Mama Bear over her too since she's going through such a tough time, though I agree it probably wasn't wise. However, these things happen. I think Wynelle's advice was very good and IMO, you should probably smooth things over. I think if you don't, you may regret it in a few years when perhaps you can see things from your friends point of view a little better. Good luck with all this!