Pre-Marriage Problem for Couples: Stress!!!

[lisabrookeskift]

I've seen a lot of premarital couples in my practice. Many appear to be relatively calm and basking in the joy of their upcoming nuptials. Others are clearly thrilled - however, stressed to the max with the planning and everything else around a "wedding."

Stress is what we feel as a result of the physiology in our bodies ramping up - think "fight or flight." When it rises, this can cause increased tension between brides and grooms - which can lead to conflict. People react to stressful situations diffently and have different definitions of what is stressful. The bottom line is that it's important to recognize this is going on - for one or both of you.

Solution: Talk and Walk

Stress can cause pressure to build up to a point that eventually it needs to "blow." (yelling, snapping, crying etc) Check in with each other often during stressful periods. "How are you feeling?" "What's going on for you?" Exercise in general is a great stress reliever as it gets the blood and heart going and allows oxygen to be delivered throughout the body - causing a slowling down of the physiological reaction aroudn stress.

"Talking and walking" with your fiance is a wonderful way to check in and get your body moving. Go to the park, walk around the city block, stroll down the beach...just get moving! When couples "talk and walk" it's a great way to tune out all of the other details and life stuff for even a few minutes - in order to focus on each other!

[lisabrookeskift]

It would be totally understandable if was. After all - look at all the cogs in the wheel of planning a wedding! What are some of the things causing stress to your relationships?

For example, a common bone of contention is "who does what" in the planning....

What else?

[NovemberGal]

Some of the earliest planning was stressful...sorting out what was a priority for each of us (and thus, where to focus the budget), and also balancing what we wanted with what we wanted for our friends and family. For example, one of our early ideas was a late wedding with a dessert reception, but DH's mom was horrified at the idea of not serving a full meal to guests.

[mushroom-eater]

There's so much stuff to consider. It's really something to think about.

[lisabrookeskift]

Yes, I remember when I got married I was so overwhelmed with all of the planning - in addition the actual wedding was happening in a town different from where we lived. What I did was enlisted the help of a few friends to help me pick the photographer (to go by and see her work when I couldn't...) etc.

Advise: Take the help when you need it and let go of any control issues you might have. You'll feel much better!!

[optimistvik]

what should be done when ego comes between couples.

[septs]

love still has to reign...

[lisabrookeskift]

Originally Posted by optimistvik

what should be done when ego comes between couples.

Without knowing the details of your particular situation, what I can say is that part of what makes up a happy marriage for most couples is some sense of relationship balance - where there's room for "you," "me" and "we" in the dynamic.

Couples who put too much focus on the "me" part (perhaps looking a lot like an ego issue) will find that the relationship itself will suffer. Ask yourself, are you tending to the "garden" of the marriage or are the plants starting to die?

Some people are very independent naturally (and that can be healthy functioning or over-compensation for not feeling emotionally safe enough to actually "let go" and be vulnerable) and can struggle in making room for the "we" part.

I was one of these before my marriage - without getting into my own story, I'll say that I was successfully able to work through my own fears and allow my partner to take care of me. What may have looked like "ego" was actually fear.

As far as "what to do," it would be helpful to know more about your situation.

If you want to expand on your question - I'd be happy to see if I can be more helpful.

[optimistvik]

Originally Posted by lisabrookeskift

Without knowing the details of your particular situation, what I can say is that part of what makes up a happy marriage for most couples is some sense of relationship balance - where there's room for "you," "me" and "we" in the dynamic.

Couples who put too much focus on the "me" part (perhaps looking a lot like an ego issue) will find that the relationship itself will suffer. Ask yourself, are you tending to the "garden" of the marriage or are the plants starting to die?

Some people are very independent naturally (and that can be healthy functioning or over-compensation for not feeling emotionally safe enough to actually "let go" and be vulnerable) and can struggle in making room for the "we" part.

I was one of these before my marriage - without getting into my own story, I'll say that I was successfully able to work through my own fears and allow my partner to take care of me. What may have looked like "ego" was actually fear.

As far as "what to do," it would be helpful to know more about your situation.

If you want to expand on your question - I'd be happy to see if I can be more helpful.

Hi lisa
actually when we fight we fight like a mad than after that we don't talk to each other after sometime say after 2-3 days i feel like talking to him but EGO comes in between I know i want to talk to him but why should i take initiative this the problem with me. LISA believe me i have tried to improve myself but failed now what should i do . there is another one thing if sometime i take initiative also then he taunts me like anything which i HATES.

[Heather]

Originally Posted by optimistvik

Hi lisa
actually when we fight we fight like a mad than after that we don't talk to each other after sometime say after 2-3 days i feel like talking to him but EGO comes in between I know i want to talk to him but why should i take initiative this the problem with me. LISA believe me i have tried to improve myself but failed now what should i do . there is another one thing if sometime i take initiative also then he taunts me like anything which i HATES.

I don't know what Lisa will say, but you guys need counseling, seriously. If he's taunting you then he's being a childish jerk with the intention of hurting you. You have to learn how to fight fair.

[Complicated Woman]

It does sound like you could use to get some professional help so you can better handle your anger.

Believe me, my husband and I argue all the time, I am very hot tempered and he's quite stubborn, but when we fight, we don't name call or mock or taunt one another (not very often, anyway ). We also make up...for us it's always the same day, even if the issue isn't necessarily resolved, we make peace. I'm not a "never go to bed angry" person, I know sometimes it takes a while for feelings to dissipate, but I personally won't go to bed or part from my husband without at least having made up enough to kiss and hug and remember that whatever else happens, we love each other.

Out of curiosity, is English your first language? I'm not totally sure if I'm getting what you're saying or if something is being lost in translation.

[lisabrookeskift]

Originally Posted by optimistvik

Hi lisa
actually when we fight we fight like a mad than after that we don't talk to each other after sometime say after 2-3 days i feel like talking to him but EGO comes in between I know i want to talk to him but why should i take initiative this the problem with me. LISA believe me i have tried to improve myself but failed now what should i do . there is another one thing if sometime i take initiative also then he taunts me like anything which i HATES.

Clearly the emotional safety level between the two of you is very low. When I refer to "emotional safety" I'm speaking of how two people feel together in specific areas like trust, respect, validation,empathy, priority, love...Additionally, it sounds like you both are demonstrating behavior towards one another that will be more likely to push the other away vs bring them in.

For example, research has shown (John Gottman) that married couples who have high levels of defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt in their communication style are more likely to divorce than those who do not.

It's great that you've tried to make improvements on yourself - but in a relationship, where there are two in the dynamic, the improvement usually needs to focus on the couple together as both are more than likely contributing in some way to the dynamic. One person might behave "the loudest" but that doesn't mean it's all about their "anger issues" (though it could very well be a huge part of the problem).

You said, "we fight like mad" and then "we don't speak to each other for 2-3 days..." Clearly, you're both engaged in unproductive cycles together but they can be broken!

Somebody suggested couples counseling and I agree 100%. If both of you think the relationship is worth saving - then it can be saved. However, you will need to both acknowledge 1) there is a problem, 2) you both might be contributing in some way to the problem and 3) both be willing to make changes for the better of the relationship.

Without each of you being on board with these three elements, it's pretty hard to see progress in couples counseling. Hopefully you can discuss this as a possibility with your partner and get a trusted referral or spend some time doing your own research to find a local therapist to help you out.

[optimistvik]

Thanks to Complicated Woman & Heather for your concern . LISA than tell me to whom should i contact for our counseling & what should i tell to my husband that we are going for counseling.

[Jessika]

Hi, I think whatever problem you were facing now have been solved. I would only like to say best of luck for your future!

[Heather]

Originally Posted by Jessika

Hi, I think whatever problem you were facing now have been solved. I would only like to say best of luck for your future!

What is wrong with these people? Lisa, feel free to delete this post.

[lisabrookeskift]

Originally Posted by optimistvik

Thanks to Complicated Woman & Heather for your concern . LISA than tell me to whom should i contact for our counseling & what should i tell to my husband that we are going for counseling.

Sit down with your husband when things are calm (not in the middle of a fight) and tell him how much you care about him and the marriage but you're worried about the damage you both are doing to it. Ask him if he'd be willing to go to a counselor with you to both learn better ways to communicate to stop doing damage to each other - and make your marriage better. Be sure not to blame him - but assign responsibility to each of you for working on it together!

There are some good directories to find counselors out there like www.goodtherapy.org and www.family-marriage-counseling.com where you can put in your zip code and see lots of counselor profiles, pictures, etc. (I'm assuming you are in the U.S. but if you're not, put "marriage counseling" and the town you're in - in a search engine).

[optimistvik]

Originally Posted by lisabrookeskift

Sit down with your husband when things are calm (not in the middle of a fight) and tell him how much you care about him and the marriage but you're worried about the damage you both are doing to it. Ask him if he'd be willing to go to a counselor with you to both learn better ways to communicate to stop doing damage to each other - and make your marriage better. Be sure not to blame him - but assign responsibility to each of you for working on it together!

There are some good directories to find counselors out there like www.goodtherapy.org and www.family-marriage-counseling.com where you can put in your zip code and see lots of counselor profiles, pictures, etc. (I'm assuming you are in the U.S. but if you're not, put "marriage counseling" and the town you're in - in a search engine).

GREAT LISA I had a good talk with my husband yesterday & i told him that let us go to good counselor so that our married life would be saved . I think it works at present he is ready to go to a counselor let us see what happens. Thanks to everyone.

[lisabrookeskift]

I'm glad to hear you and your husband are going to move forward with marriage counseling - good for both of you! I wish you the best of luck!

[optimistvik]

Originally Posted by lisabrookeskift

I'm glad to hear you and your husband are going to move forward with marriage counseling - good for both of you! I wish you the best of luck!

I was happy for just one day but LISA we had a fight yesterday again i don't know what to do i amvery upset today.

[Heather]

Originally Posted by optimistvik

I was happy for just one day but LISA we had a fight yesterday again i don't know what to do i amvery upset today.

Leave him.


(Lisa, just my opinion, but this person is a vendor and I think they are just posting so that people will see their signature.)

[optimistvik]

Originally Posted by Heather

Leave him.


(Lisa, just my opinion, but this person is a vendor and I think they are just posting so that people will see their signature.)

i am facing lots of problem & i just wanted to get it solved,but if you think that i am a vendor than i will have to improve my writing so that you don't consider me vendor.THANKS FOR POINTING IT OUT TO ME.

The reason we think you are a vendor is not because of the way you write, trust me.

[optimistvik]

Originally Posted by Ciarrai

The reason we think you are a vendor is not because of the way you write, trust me.

Than why do you think so???????????????????

[NovemberGal]

Well, I don't know if you're a vendor/drumming up business for the link in your sig, but your posts in this thread are a little strange. Even giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're using the term "husband" as a short hand, since your intro post said you were getting married in January, if you're really having the kinds of problems you're talking about here you REALLY need to get counseling BEFORE you get married--like, seriously, put off the wedding and work this out first. Some individual counseling for you might be helpful too.

[Heather]

Originally Posted by optimistvik

Than why do you think so?

Most women that come on here for advice and help do not have links to sell stuff in their signatures, too, to add to what Novembergal said.