To Make or Break? (long) - The PASH Wedding Forums and Message Boards

Julz518 · #1 07-03-2008, 05:48 PM

Hey girls! I'm back!

I have a lot of updating to do about my wedding... but this one thing has been weighing on my mind, and I could use a little input before I do anything about it.

Do you think a wedding could make or break a friendship? or do you think b/c a wedding is such a high-stress "anomally", that anything that happens there should be ignored? Did any of you feel a member of your BP didn't help out as much as you expected, and have different feeling towards them after the wedding?

Here's the situation: My best friend/MOH came in on Thursday to "help" get ready from the wedding. From the get-go, she had a lot of "special requests" of things SHE wanted to do while she was here. I basically told her "no, your main focus is to help get ready for the wedding."

Over the next few days, she kept asking how she could help, but she's half-a$$ everything I gave her to do, took her time getting from one task to the next, needed a WHOLE lot of instruction for even the most basic of tasks, and she kept disappearing to take naps and breaks. Not once during the weekend did she offer to get me food/drink, and when we got down to "crunch time" she disappeared completely while I was running around trying to finish things. Now, I know my friend is a little flaky and self-centered... but it was ridiculous how not helpful she was!

In addition to all this, she kept insulting my sister (to her face and behind her back). I know she felt out of place b/c she didn't know many people there, and she's socially awkward to begin with and was probably just trying to make conversation, but really, should she have known better?

While I was getting dressed, I kicked everyone out of my room except the photographer and my sister. So for the hour before the ceremony, she followed my husband-to-be around complaining about how crappy I was treating her. It's like she was confused about the purpose of the wedding - she thought it was for me and HER, not me and my HUSBAND.

Finally, in her MOH speech, she basically called me a slut and insulted the groomsmen. After I shot her a dirty look, she came up to me and said "I'm the MOH, I have a right to embarrass the bride."

I was under the impression that she was coming out early to help ME. And yes, maybe in some instances I could have been a little nicer to her and paid more attention to her, but I wasn;t nice and didn't pay special attention to anyone else, either! Should the circumstances of the weekend excuse her behavior?

Even before the wedding I was feeling like we wouldn't be friends after the wedding. She has been catered to and taken care of her whole life, and lately it seems like I've become more of her "mother" than her "friend". Everytime I go to visit her (in Philly) I end up helping her do something (organizing, cleaning, check papers), or following her around as she runs errands. The few times I've asked to do something special there hasn't been time. It's exhausting being her friend! I guess I was hoping that she would "pay me back" at the wedding... but she didn't!

So know I need to know how to proceed:
Of course I'm sending her a "thank you" note, but do I owe her an apology as well? Should I ignore all this ever happened? Should I let our friendship fade into the sunset, or should I tell her (either in a letter or face-to-face) that it's over? Or should I wait until the dust settles before I decide if it's over or not?

I'm so hurt and confused!!

day2dreamof · #2 07-03-2008, 06:15 PM

I don't think you owe her an apology at all as I can't see that you did anything wrong in regards to her. It's not like you went out of your way to ignore her or anything. As to ending the friendship, I would wait a bit before doing anything drastic. While she wasn't very helpful, you did say she's a bit flaky anyway so you knew that beforehand. You may be outgrowing the friendship, too - it happens. I just wouldn't base the decision on this one weekend when it was so stressful. Perhaps she just didn't have a clue on how to be the MOH? Or what it entails. Good luck.

Leslee · #3 07-03-2008, 06:20 PM

I say send the thank you and see what happens. Dont put in as much effort anymore, especially if it is stressing you out!!

Im sorry you had to deal with this when it was supposed to be your time. Sometimes I feel that people live for drama and she might be one of those!

justnmary · #4 07-03-2008, 06:30 PM

Well, we all know what a bitch I can be.....

I say dump her ass and don't look back.

I don't know about you, but I don't have time for self-centered people. I don't talk much to my MOH anymore either, due to the same reasons...everythings always about her (even on YOUR wedding day). We talk once in a blue moon, but we don't go out of the way to get a hold of each other. To be honest? I don't miss her much either.

I say send her a thank you, and leave it at that. If she values your friendship, she'll contact you and if at that point you decide to keep up the friendship then do so. But for now...I say leave her at the wayside and drive on!

*It could also be the hormones talking so take what I say with a grain of salt.

*

Julz518 · #5 07-03-2008, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by day2dreamof

Perhaps she just didn't have a clue on how to be the MOH? Or what it entails.

I think you hit the nail on the head. She's from a rather ritzy area where they usually hire people to do all the things we were doing for the wedding. I don't imagine she's ever been to a "DIY" wedding, so as much as I tried to explain to her what needed done, I don't think it sunk in. She probably thought coming out early meant we would get some quality time together and she would get the same "pampering" as the bride... but I didn't even have time for a manicure! (Needless to say, she preserved hers.

)

sparklesweetie · #6 07-03-2008, 06:55 PM

I went through the same thing (with one member in particular, but the whole lot of them needed to be smacked the night before) so I feel your pain.

I'd say send her the thank you and leave it at that. If she wants to contact you she can, but I wouldn't go out of my way to see her. I'm sorry she was so unhelpful.

If it makes you feel any better, my BP told DH that I was being a b(#$ the day of the wedding while we were decorating. (Gee, maybe it's because I was up until 3 a.m. since none of you showed up to help me.)

Emily · #7 07-03-2008, 08:27 PM

I agree with the others, say thanks and leave it at that. It sounds to me like you two have grown apart anyway, if she really values your friendship she would realise what an arse she was being and call you up an apologise! But otherwise if I was you I just wouldnt make the effort anymore. Life is stressful enough as it is!

BTW you looked beautiful in your wedding pics!!!!! And it looks like hubby had a great time too

aalexan7 · #8 07-03-2008, 09:30 PM

i feel you. i am not yet married but dealt with lots of issues with the matron of honor at my bridal shower. i can't dump her since she is my sister. she threw a huge fit at the shower in front of all the guests. she complained that my best friend bridesmaid did more that ner. she told the guest at the shower that i left her out. she is crazy...she thinks that i need to tell her what to do. she was supposed to help herself. the bridesmaid made all the invites, called me early that morning and asked to come early and set up and then offered lots of help throughout the party. i was really grateful. my sister spent her time in the bathroom crying and raging, telling the guest that entered the bathroom that she hopes i cry and she doesn't care what day it is.

my advice is to send the tank you, then do not call her, let her come to reality and apologize, hopefully everyone who knows whats right gives her sh**. My family let her know it was wr5ong and she's had some time to reflect. no apology yet. she called me and blamed everyone else for her behavior. i think its jealousy. she wants the shine on her. but she only made herself look stupid.

feb-bride · #9 07-03-2008, 09:53 PM

I would send her a TY note and let the dust settle. See if she contacts you. I wouldn't tell her the friendship is over at this point. Just let her take the lead for a bit.

Did she know before she arrived that you expected her help, or did you just assume that she'd know that you wanted her help? That is something that you might want to consider.

Kim&Bob2004 · #10 07-03-2008, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feb-bride

I would send her a TY note and let the dust settle. See if she contacts you. I wouldn't tell her the friendship is over at this point. Just let her take the lead for a bit.

Did she know before she arrived that you expected her help, or did you just assume that she'd know that you wanted her help? That is something that you might want to consider.

I agree. Your friendship may be at the point where it's Christmas cards and the kids pictures once a year.

Long distance friendships are just as difficult to maintain as long distance marriage or dating........

Marge129 · #11 07-03-2008, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julz518

Finally, in her MOH speech, she basically called me a slut and insulted the groomsmen. After I shot her a dirty look, she came up to me and said "I'm the MOH, I have a right to embarrass the bride."

Did you notice that I had to go help myself to more champagne as she was talking. Nate (the BM) and I about shit ourselves as she was talking. It was so inappropriate.

You know my opinion. I've never liked her.

feb-bride · #12 07-03-2008, 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marge129

Did you notice that I had to go help myself to more champagne as she was talking. Nate (the BM) and I about shit ourselves as she was talking. It was so inappropriate.

You know my opinion. I've never liked her.

What did she say in her toast if I may ask?

Marge129 · #13 07-04-2008, 12:00 AM

She started off talking about how Julie dumped Rick their Freshman year of college and then went on to talk about ALL the guys Julie then dated (or whatever) during college. She made it seem like there were hundreds of them. I almost spit out my drink.

I didn't hear what she said about the GM... must have been drinking and trying to avoid hearing anything else. Thank God Nate and I spoke after her... our toasts were much better.

Kim&Bob2004 · #14 07-04-2008, 12:12 AM

Just messed up...... some people are, regardless of their "background".

Steph · #15 07-04-2008, 02:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marge129

She started off talking about how Julie dumped Rick their Freshman year of college and then went on to talk about ALL the guys Julie then dated (or whatever) during college. She made it seem like there were hundreds of them. I almost spit out my drink.

I didn't hear what she said about the GM... must have been drinking and trying to avoid hearing anything else. Thank God Nate and I spoke after her... our toasts were much better.

Wow....not cool at all. I can't believe she did that. I'd be really pissed.

imstilldreaming · #16 07-05-2008, 07:40 PM

I had the same experience. My friend who was self-centered and dramatic before the wedding couldn't hold it in for one day during my wedding either and somehow made it all about her. Maybe you always knew it, but it took an important day like that to realize that they will never change and can't even manage to worry about someone else for a day or two. No one needs friends like that.

Your pictures were beautiful though and I hope you had a fabulous day despite that!!