Tricky situations (Rant about MOB)

[555Ann555]

I'm carrying this over from the 'over whelmed' thread...

I've been working on the budget for the last couple of days. I already had it all worked into a spreadsheet with 'guess-timates' and quotes and real costs for everything along with deposits paid and balance due. But I didn't have a note of who was responsible for paying what.

So last night I printed it out and sat down for a while with a pencil and my calculator and worked it all out. It was a PITA but it was also quite interesting.

I had thought my mum was paying off a huge chunk of the budget (mainly because every time I said anything about how Moreno and I couldn't afford ___ added to the list she'd say how she was paying for most of it.) But it turns out that isn't quite true... Moreno & I are paying 3x what anyone else is.

My mum is unhappy with me at the moment because even though Moreno and I said we didn't want to ask any cousins to our wedding (because neither of us is in touch with them) my mum has invited my big cousin to come over from Africa with her husband and 2 kids, and another cousin to come up from London with her daughter.

She said my cousins wanted to come over because my uncles are invited but these are grown adults not little children. She must have said something to them about it, or said something to my uncles because I don't think they'd invite themselves.

I just don't know what to do about it. I didn't want children at the wedding. I didn't want people I don't know. I didn't want to fall out with my mum either.

My mum seems to think because she is paying for the reception she can decide on the guest list. The cousin thing is just one instance, she's also been taking issue with the guest list for the ceremony. She says that Moreno's family is going to totally out number ours but he has 18 and (if you include the kids I don't really want there) we'll have 23.

She was also taking a huff because she got the impression that we had invited my FMIL's best friend to the whole wedding but not her best friend. *But* when she saw the FMIL's best friend at a Christmas carol service she said to her 'see you at the wedding' even though this woman was *not* on our list! So when she was bringing up her problems with the guest list she said she wants her BFriend there for the whole day and 2 or her neighbours and their partners even though I've not met them.

I'm at the stage now where I *seriously* wish she had just given me the cash and let me get on with the organizing like Moreno's mum did or not given us any money at all but just let us have the kind of wedding we wanted in the first place.

I know I'm not great at setting boundaries with her, but it seems every time she suggests something that I don't want she just says she'll pay for it and assumes that will be fine.

I know I'm going to come across as ungrateful and I'm not. I just wish she'd let me make my own decisions. I do appreciate her financial help and all the time and effort she is putting in by altering my dress and making my cloak and the dresses for my flower girls. I just could do without the stress of feeling like I'm hurting her by not letting her show off to all the people she wants to show off to.


Any advice anyone?

[ljeagle]

Sounds like u could use one. I don't know what to tell u! I hope it gets better...

[555Ann555]

Thanks LJ I think that was what I was needing

She drives me crazy and I just don't know how to handle it. But don't want to hurt her feelings either.

[SuzyBride]

I know it might sound harsh, but I just told my mom NO! I am very independent and decisive and when she decided *she* wanted something for *my* wedding, I flat out said no if I really didn't want it! She had her wedding. This one was mine and I got to make the decisions! Period! Luckily that didn't happen but once or twice and the rest of the time we had lots of fun.

Ann, I know it sucks, but you have to set those boundaries! This is YOUR day! If there are things you don't want tell her that even if you could afford to do that you wouldn't. If she decides she is going to pay for it, ask her who and what for. Just tell her that you DON'T WANT IT! Does your mom realize that she is the one who invited your FMIL's best friend? Unformal invite, I know, but if the MOB said 'see you there' I would assume I was invited!

Hang in there! You will make it, I promise!!

[Cirig]

Ann, you have to just tell her flat out. "I don't want these people to be there- because A. I don't know them, and B. I don't want children there-- I'm sorry if that's something you wanted, but it can't happen."

I would imagine there will be some hurt feelings, be prepared. Don't let her put it on you that your being selfish or crazy- it's your wedding, and she's bossing you around. She the person overstepping boundaries here- so go on and tell her.

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

Since you know have all the facts calculated and in writing, I'd suggest you sit down with her and go over all of it. Then she can see the disparity between everything she SAYS (to manipulate) and the truth. You don't have to say, "See, I told you it was like this!" or anything like that. Just as if you're casually going over figures. Then you can say, "Mo and I want ___, ___., and ____. We do not want ___ , ____, and ____." If she starts pressing for things, you can just respond, "I understand you're wanting ____. I'm sorry, that won't be happening."

Although if these people already BOUGHT tickets from AFRICA, you might have to make a concession there.

[roseprincess]

big , that's all I can say. Not sure how I would've handled it with my mom, since she didn't contribute anything other than her presence at the wedding. The others have given you good advice.

[Heather]

I agree with Cirig - you're going to have to put your foot down. She may be hurt but it's your day, not hers. MTGH has a good point with the tickets from Africa, that may be a concession you have to make, but maybe the kids can stay with a relative or family friend during the wedding/reception? I didn't want children at mine either, it's not something I wanted to deal with nor have my friends deal with. Stick to your guns girl.

[555Ann555]

The thing is like Jen said, my cousin will have already bought the tickets!

I don't want everyone to fall out over this and I could easily see my aunt saying she'd not come if her grandkids couldn't be there. When my mum said my cousin was coming she also said the children were being left with their nanny (can you tell they've got more money than me?! ) so I don't know when that plan changed because next I heard they were all coming.

I can't think (at the moment) of anyone who I would trust to watch the children that I haven't already got on the guest list for the wedding... I may have to suck it up and just put my foot down about anything else she comes up with

It's not really funny but I do have to laugh when I go through the list of things she's chosen; the wedding cars, my wedding dress, 1/2 the guest list, the venue for the reception & the budget.

Right that's it. My resolution is made, I'm not going to let my mum take over anything else!

New mantra: I will remember this is my wedding! I will remember this is my wedding! I will remember this is my wedding!

Thanks everyone for listening to me moaning on!

[Marrying_the_Good_Husband]

Originally Posted by 555Ann555

TNew mantra: I will remember this is my wedding! I will remember this is my wedding! I will remember this is my wedding!

That's right! We're here for you, girl, whenever you need a reminder of that! Good luck!

[PlanetClaire]

Go!Ann!Go!

I think sitting her down with your spreadsheet( damn! you're organized!!)is an excellent idea!

Don't let anybody blackmail you like that, "If ___doesn't happen/can't come etc...then I won't come/ won't whatever! Selfish buggers!

"It's my wedding day and I'm sorry if anyone's feelings are hurt as that is not my intention but I am entitled to plan the day that I and Moreno want. And if people truly love me then they will accept that and understand that none of my decisions are personal affronts or attacks." So piss off! LMAO

You can do it!!!!

[555Ann555]

Just got off the phone with her, I called coz I need addresses for her side of the guest list. Guess what... after all that hassle she doesn't think the kids are coming anyway. Apparently even though her brother told her they weren't coming she took the word if his SIL instead!

I give in. They can do whatever they want, I'm leaving that topic alone because I bet she'll jump back and forth on it another 20 times! She can sort it out or not. Whatever.

[Chillchacha]

Oh girl I feel you,

My mom and I had the biggest arguments we have ever had over my first wedding. My mom and dad helped pay for it so she felt that she had final say on everything. This time around I laid down some serious boundaries and we are paying for this one ourselves. But if I had to do it all over again I would do as MTGH and PlanitClaire said and show her the budget and remind her of the original vision of the wedding. Like “remember we just wanted a small intimate wedding with close family and friends,” if she beings up your FMIL's best friend then explain the miss communication.

Let her know how much you appreciate her help and validate the amount of stress she is under and/or do something just the two of you non wedding related. This should help her let her defenses down. She may be buckling under the pressures from these out side parties are putting on her. I’m not excusing her behavior, it’s just that many people will talk to the mother of the bride because they feel rejected by the bride or they don’t want be a bother too the bride. This time around I don’t let my mom know anything till my FH and I have made the final decisions that way she know no amount of manipulation or guilt can make me change my mind. It is a little sad but in my case she refuses to listen to logic.

As for the children, with my first wedding the place I was had the ceremony and reception doesn’t allow children because their insurance doesn’t cover them. Some people where mildly disappointed but it wasn’t a huge drama. You may want to check with the venue to see if they even allow children. Perhaps, the family that has purchased the tickets and your mom’s BF to go the ceremony and not the reception if it won’t cost any extra and if the venue has the capacity?

Remember this is your wedding! this is your wedding! this is your wedding!

[Chillchacha]

Oops I must have been typing when you posted your last message.