Not the typical in-law question...

[bride2be09]

Hi Sharon--

Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I am brand new to this site after coming across one of your books and buying it last week (The Bride's Diplomacy Guide). I got engaged three months ago and it's been nothing but diplomacy since then... including an issue that I can't find a solution for anywhere.

Back story: My fiance and I met in college in my home state, he's from another state. He decided to stay in my home state for a job, something his parents didn't seem to take too kindly to. From what I heard from my fiance, they felt it was my parents controlling the situation. My parents had nothing to do with his decision and were very supportive during his job search debacle. Things were a little sour between us and his parents for a while, but are way better now.

Fast forward to now: We decide that we want our wedding in his home state because it's a gorgeous location (it's only a three hour drive, not cross-country or anything). My parents accuse his of controlling the situation and wanting to take over our wedding. His had nothing at all to do with the decision and have been wonderful in supporting any decision we make. We didn't choose that to appease his parents, but that's what mine think. Things are now uncomfortable between me and my parents.

So now what we have are two sets of parents who barely know each other, but have all these pre-conceived notions of each other's "control". (All accusations were made through either me or my fiance. Our parents have met maybe twice.) It's manifesting itself in so many ways. I can't mention anything nice his parents have done for the planning so far without mine getting weird. We can't be honest with his parents about what's going on because that would open a HUGE can of worms. Neither set of parents will call the other because of some perceived slight. (Mine are insulted his didn't call a week after we got engaged, his are insulted mine didn't want to get together when his were in my home state for a weekend.) Both sets want what is best for us, but when we decide what's best and it's not what they themselves would have chosen, forget it. But with two families in two states, SOMEone is not going to be happy about pretty much any life decision we make.

I have no idea where to go with this. At least my fiance and I have been on the same page since day one. There's so much more I could add here, but it would probably only confuse you since it confuses me, and I'm the one living it!

Thanks so much!

[Sharon Naylor]

Okay, your parents are locked in a territorial battle over the two of you. Neither set of parents wants to 'lose' you, and this is what the entire conflict sounds like it's about. So here's what you need to do:

Speak to each set of parents about the 'Wedding Gift' you want most, which is for them to let go of their negative feelings about the other parents. Tell them that their complaints are taking a lot of the joy away from you, that you're adults making your *own* decisions, and what you want most is for a happy, harmonious family. Tell them that battles in extended families put way too much pressure on a marriage, and you don't want to hurt your relationship in any form. What you need most from them is a cease-fire. They don't have to be best friends with each other, but they need to wipe the slate clean, establish a cordial relationship with each other, and give you a break. You wrote:
"But with two families in two states, SOMEone is not going to be happy about pretty much any life decision we make."
SAY THAT TO THEM! Tell them that they're putting you in an impossible situation, and you need their help to give you some peace of mind. You're going to make every effort in the future to share your life with all of them, you love them all equally, but this wedding is not a game. All they're going to do is distance you from them, which is the very thing they don't want.
Ask them to be in your life fully, find happiness in the wedding, and see how happy you both are with each other. It might take a while for them to thaw and start acting better, but hopefully they'll do the right thing.

[NovemberGal]

Either that, or move to Alaska.

But seriously, I think Sharon's right on the button here. They've got to each hear you tell them what all this rigamarole is doing to you, and that you're making decisions that are right for the two of you and doing the best you can by all the parents in the process.