Pre-marriage Counceling... for unusual situations

[Dr. Nic]

Hold your breaths, people, and prepare for a short novel!!

I will spare you the entire entire story of "us" right now, but Kate & I have an unusual situation. Oh and first off... know that we are not engaged yet. But there are plans to change this. Anyway, we have talked about marriage and what not quite a bit actually.

Like I said, I'll spare the whole story for now. We currently live in different states (about 1000 miles apart). Yes this is hard but we both feel that we have a very strong relationship, despite the fact that it is very long distance. As for marriage, we don't plan to live together until we are actually married.

Having said all that, I still think it's a good idea, if possible, to do the premarriage counseling. How are these sessions normally planned? Weekly? Monthly? And is it supposed to last any specific time (the entire engagement? a few weeks before marriage?)?

I'm curious as to if there are any options for people in situations such as ours. We kind of already have general living arrangements planned out:

I'm about to finish school, and start my new job and career within the next half-year or so, and buy a house within a yearish. She is going back to school to finish her degree starting this Fall, and currently works full-time, and wants to continue working there for about 2 more years so that she can keep the matched money her company put in her 401K, then a couple of months later we get married, and then she moves here with me.

So keeping that in mind, having weekly counseling sessions would be tough. Is there such a thing as conference call counseling or anything like that? Or is it something that could be done once a month for a couple of years or what?

Another question... assuming that a couple has picked out the minister whom they want to marry them (which I believe we have... Kate's Family has moved a lot in her life and so she hasn't had a real strong attachment to any specific minister; I however have attended the same church, a PCUSA church, my entire life, and had the same minister for the last 10 years. Kate and I have talked about it, she's met him, we've all had dinner together, and she really likes him, and he's really who I want to marry us, and Kate agrees with me on this), is the counseling minister usually also the marrying minister? Or what's normal?

[Brandonsgirl]

Hello!! I'm also in a long distance relationship but it's because of the military...so I sort of feel what you're going through.

Brandon and I have actually done books together that basically ask the same questions that a conselor would ask, but you can do it at your own pace. There are TONS out there...you can take it chapter by chapter and it addresses a lot of subjects that couples need to know about their futures spouses and their opinions.

Go to Amazon or Google and you can find a lot. Brandon and I have started one and we do a little bit at a time each time he's home on leave. It's a lot of fun...

Hope that helps!

[ohiobride]

Erica -- what a great start, with the books! You two really seem to be headed in the right direction.

[NovemberGal]

In general, the minister who marries you conducts the counseling if it is required (I'm Episcopalian; the Episcopal church requires marriage counseling; so does the Catholic, not sure about yours or others).

If marriage counseling is NOT required by your denomination, the minister marrying you is still a good choice if you are comfortable with him and he's available to do it. You could ask him what the requirements are and/or arrangements he'd be willing to make. Required counseling is generally done in person, and the amount/timing varies. We started five sessions several months before our wedding, so we did about one session per month leading up to the wedding.

I think your first step is to find out if counseling is required, and talk to the minister about how often and whether it has to be in person or can be done on the phone. Personally, I think it's important to do it in person if you can.

If it isn't required, books can be a good first start (and can be even if it is required, but you don't have to start them right away). You can then determine if you'd like further discussion with an actual person.

[KaileK]

For our Catholic wedding we started counseling on a regular basis about 6 months in advance. We met monthly up until this last month when we met twice

[Julz518]

I think really, the only person who can answer these questions is the minister who will be marrying you... so if you are pretty confident about who that would be, then as soon as you are engaged and have set a date, you should call and talk to him/her about it. Actually, if you are comefortable enough, then you could call and ask befor eyou get engaged, even. Until then, if you feel you want to "get started" there are tons of books & websites out there to help you.

In our case, my aunt (an ordained minister from IA) is marrying us, on a farm near where I live (in PA). So since she's in IA and we're in PA, and there's no "church" involvedm we have been doing pre-marital counselling (at her request) with a local minister who's a friend of my mom's. It has been incredibly informal - we met twice last fall, and are now meeting approximately monthly. But there's never a set "agenda" or homework or anything like that, we just talk about wedding plans and any personal issues we feel we need a mediator for with her.

But every church/cituation is different. Most likely your minister will be able to work with you guys though!

I am also in a long-distance relationship with my fiance...and so a lot of counseling options didn't work for us. We are working through some books at our own pace.

We also looked into some of the weekend type one-session counseling retreats / meetings. There are a number out there, and from what I hear they can be really good. We opted against it because the dates didn't work for us, but I found one I liked the idea of and that met in my home city (Marriage Success Program...not affiliated, just thought the materials looked good). My parents still rave about Marriage Encounter (which is a Christian weekend pre-and early marriage counseling retreat) which they did shortly after their marriage in the 70s (again, not affiliated, just repeating my parents' good experience). This option might be a possibility for you and it might be easier than a structured several-meeting counseling set-up.

Talk to your minister. If he wants to meet on a regular basis and that is hard for you, maybe you can do *some* sessions in person and some via conference call?

[Dr. Nic]

Hmm, I had no idea that different denominations had different requirements.

I've gone to a First Presbyterian Church (part of PCUSA) all my life. I plan to have our current minister marry us, since he's been at my church for 10 years now (a little bit less than half my life). He is a Presbyterian minister, but we won't neccesarily be having the ceremony in a Presbyterian church, or maybe not in any church. Does that still mean it's a Presbyterian wedding?

Anyway... I'll ask him and see what all he has to say.

Thanks for all the input! I may look up some books. If anyone else has any specific DIY type things, let mek now.

Thanks again,

Nic

[SerendipityCrafts]

I am member of the Presbyterian church of Canada. We didn't have to do take any marriage preparation courses to be married in the church but we did meet with our minister a few times.

If you are looking for faith based marriage prep and you can both manage a weekend away you can sign up for an ecumenical engagement encounter - http://marriage.about.com/od/engaged...engagedenc.htm

I didn't take this course because it's only been developed within the last few years but if it's anywhere near as good as it's mother course; Alpha then it would be worth looking into as well - http://www.themarriagecourseusa.org/m/prep_0.html There are books, work books and videos available. Here is the book - http://www.alpharesources.org/stores...ok_P544C47.cfm

[Julz518]

The church we currently attedn is a Presby church... even though it isn't where we are getting married and our minister isn't officiating, when he heard we were doing pre-marital counselling he got all excited So I think even if it is not a "requirement" for the church, your minister may still want you to do it... in other words, it doens't just vary by denomination, but by minister as well.

As for whether or not your ceremony will be "Presbyterian" if you don't get married in the church, that is up to you and your pastor. I would suggest you have an idea of what kind of ceremony you would like before you ask the minister to perform it... b/c in some instances, he may decline. Some ministers (in my experience, Catholics) prefer to only perform "church" weddings, or want to follow the doctrine word-for-word. Some are much more flexible. It depends on a LOT of things. So if the ceremony matters to you, and your minister is more traditional, you'll have to choose which you want more - the ceremony or the minister.

FYI - writing our ceremony was the absolute first thing I did when we got engaged. I think it is the most important part of the wedding, and so you should think seriously about how you want it to be!

[NovemberGal]

Originally Posted by Julz518

As for whether or not your ceremony will be "Presbyterian" if you don't get married in the church, that is up to you and your pastor. I would suggest you have an idea of what kind of ceremony you would like before you ask the minister to perform it... b/c in some instances, he may decline. Some ministers (in my experience, Catholics) prefer to only perform "church" weddings, or want to follow the doctrine word-for-word. Some are much more flexible. It depends on a LOT of things. So if the ceremony matters to you, and your minister is more traditional, you'll have to choose which you want more - the ceremony or the minister.

FYI - writing our ceremony was the absolute first thing I did when we got engaged. I think it is the most important part of the wedding, and so you should think seriously about how you want it to be!

As Julz said, it's a good idea to have a sense of the ceremony you want. Many ministers will not perform a completely non-religious ceremony, for example. Certain denominations require certain elements of the ceremony to be taken directly from the appropriate service books (Catholic generally being the most restricted, but for example, my Episcopal wedding required the exact vows, word for word, from the Book of Common Prayer; other elements of the wedding needed to be there but we could adopt wording we chose).

Find out from your minister what exactly is involved in a Presbyterian ceremony and whether that's something you want to do. If not, you need to find out if he'll perform a wedding ceremony that ISN'T Presbyterian--be prepared for him to say no.

These questions, and what the premarital counseling requirements/preferences are, are ones you can ask before you're engaged if you're comfortable doing so and trust he won't "spill the beans" too early. Just tell him you're planning your proposal and have started thinking ahead and would like some preliminary info. Otherwise, contact him as soon after you're engaged as you and your fiancee are comfortable doing so.

[Dr. Nic]

Ah, thanks to all of you for the info. I had a family situation over the last few weeks... I'm just now kinda getting back to catching up with everything. I'll see what I can find out... I have pleeeeenty of time.

Nic