The parent dilemma...help!

[Chantelle]

Hi,

I have a concern about our destination wedding and I'm hoping you can help. My fiance and my family live half way across the country from one another hence why we've decided to go away for our wedding. We've checked out numerous places and it turns out that we've chosen Sesimbra, Portugal as our destination. We've weighed out the cost and it measures the same as going for an "all enclusive" in some place like Costa Rica or Cuba.

Seeing as my mom and stepdad will already be travelling in Europe when we decide to get married they were excited and perfectly fine with meeting up with us for the wedding (in Portugal). But for my dad and step mom...a whole different story. My dad makes very good money and lives a very stable life-financially- yet he has always been a penny pincher. He also happens to have two kids from his second marriage hence (no matter where we go) so the price becomes a lot more expensive for him. I have not told him yet that we are going to Portugal and I am very concerned about how it will go over. I spoke with him on the phone earlier tonight and he already voiced concerns about not being able to give us a wedding present because he'll be spending so much on getting to our destination. I told him that was fine, we didn't want wedding gifts, and that his gift to us was showing up to our wedding.

My question is: What if he does not respond well to our choice when we announce our decision to wed in Portugal? I am really worried about this interfering with our choice of places or having him and my stepmom make it very difficult for us to go. A wedding is suppose to be a joyful event and I definitely don't want it to be stressful-at all. No matter where we go it's going to be expensive for him because unlike most of our guests he is paying for four people. Any suggestions?

[tripsdown]

Hi!

Welcome to PASH! Thank you for stopping by, signing up and giving me the opportunity to give you a hand.

As I can see from your posting, this has not been the best suggestion for your father and his family. And granted this is your wedding but I can see that there is other issues between the lines. Much more then the actual event of your destination wedding. What you have to do is between the two of you decide what is more important and not to play favorites with any side of the family step or otherwise. And my response might not be the nicest but I am going to give you what I got from your posting. It is not meant to be that way, just another way of looking at the situation.

We are always posed with questions similar to this when it comes to divorced families and people who have relation all over the United States and the world. The problem is that you cannot play favorite to any side of the family no matter what. And if you do the other party will just become upset to the point of not going and/or creating a problem at the event.

In your statement here you stated because "Seeing as my mom and stepdad will already be traveling in Europe when we decide to get married they were excited and perfectly fine with meeting up with us for the wedding (in Portugal)." Ok, but what about Dad? Yes, I get that he makes a stable living and such but why not something that could give him a consideration. What he says should have some bearing on your wedding destination because you had stated that you wanted him there. So where did any kind of consideration come his way in your decision? He might feel resentful that he did not get the consideration. Let's be honest, you said because your mom was traveling. If you put it that way to Dad, it could have caused some differences that could well beyond the actual money amount. Ask yourself what did he listen to, that because mom or the actual location?

Then if you feel that money is an issue then maybe you should look at an all inclusive resort. There is a chain like the Iberostars that have all inclusives within Spain. My favorite is Isla Canela, right at the beach within driving distance to Seville. Or there is the RIU resorts or the Grand Palladium. The point is that there is options out there for you to cater towards him.

This situation is very common for divorced families because us as professionals never know the feelings of the divorce in the first place or what has transpired afterwards. However I would say the majority of the time a parent get upset because they where not an equal split of consideration. You have to be fair to either both or none. Take into consideration their needs or forget both and say this is what we are going to do. If you do the latter then make sure it does not favor anyone. Not even one bit!!!!

For an example, let's see I had a Jamaica wedding back when we first started about 9 years ago. They have come to me for all of their travel plans, so now it is time to plan the wedding. The bride had divorced parents, not the nicest split. Did not realize how bad until I traveled with them. The day of the wedding prior to dinner I found the mother coming out of the dining area with a big grin. I did not put it together until I got into the dining room to seat everyone after the grand march. Here the father was now two tables behind the mother (who was right in the front)in the back of the room at our table. They where suppose to be in the first row on different tables. The only thing I can put together is that she was in there moving around because those three where the only ones moved. The bride hated me, never spoke to me again, but that was not something I was going to tell the bride that her mom did. It is what the bride wanted for them to sit in the front on two different round tables.

So don't let that happen to your wedding. Find another way to get some consideration for your father's family into the mix, then make sure that he knows it. I hope this helps!

Lindsay

[Julz518]

Coming from a divorce family, I am quite familiar with the animosity that can exist between parents. I think trips hit the nail on the head - you have to be EQUALLY CONSIDERATE of BOTH sets of parents.

From what you posted, it sounds as though you have planned all this without consulting your father about what his budget is or where HE might like to travel, beyond determining that he is concerned about being able to afford it. But your mom on the other hand, has had a deciding vote on the location! Now, maybe it's just that you aren't as close to your dad and don't talk to him as often, but if it is TRULY important for him to be there, then he should have had some say in the location.

Since you didn't consult with him prior and you KNOW he has financial constraints, then I think it would behoove you to offer him financial assisstance, or at least aid him in finding inexpensive flights and accomodations. I assume you and your finace are paying for the wedding, so you don't expect and additional $$ from him, do you? Would you be ok if just your dad and step-mom came and not your siblings?

Ideally, you should take a step back and ask BOTH parents "What works for you?" - get a feel for how much they can afford per person, and where they might like to go. If possible, give them a list of destinations and flight/accomodation prices. Another thing to consider is time off from work and school - do your father and step-mother work? Are your siblings in school? Honestly, it doesn't make much sense to me (and I love to travel) to fly to Portugal just for the wedding - I would want to spend a week or two there... but the amount of vacation and finances available will limit that.

Good luck!

[wynelle]

Chantelle- perhaps I missed this part of your post- but where do you live? And where does your fiance's family live?

I'm assuming somewhere in the USA-- so how does this impact on his family travelling as well? And your wedding party? How many people do you think will be able to afford a trip to Portugal?

Was there a reason you chose to go to Portugal instead of either your hometown, his hometown or wherever you live now? Are you prepared for long-distance planning?

It does appear that you are giving your mother preferential treatment in the choice of your wedding site. And to be honest, unless you have in-depth background information, you possibly don't really know your father's financial situation. He may have a nice job, but he may also have debts you aren't aware of.

Good luck in making this decision